How to Fleece the Public

By Crimson T. Atwater

Do you want to make more money from people but do not want to work harder like the elephant but rather smarter like the rat who eats garbage but still eats like a rat king?! Then read this book, which gives you the tools you need to take the money of other people and make it your own money but you do not end up in prison. Instead you end up in luxury, like in New Jersey, for example!

In this book, Crimson T. Atwater hilarilously parodies the self-help and do-it-yourself markets in chapters like "Punctuate to Succeed" and "People = Stupid." A must read for anyone looking for a good laugh!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Crimson T. Atwater
• Release date: Aug 4, 2012
• ISBN: 9781476291208

Book preview

How to Fleece the Public:

101 Insider Secrets They Don’t Want You to Know

Crimson T. Atwater

To Malcolm Fijal, a friend and compatriot, who tragically died saving his family from a burning, sinking battleship.

How to Fleece the Public:

101 Insider Secrets They Don’t Want You to Know

Copyright © 2012 by Crimson T. Atwater at Smashwords

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

Look for other great books by Crimson T. Atwater, including a new Ubersnake book due on in late 2012!

Prologue: Poor People are Easy to Fool!

Do you want to make more money? Sure, this is something that we all want to do! There are several ways of making money. For example, taxidermy.

This way, unfortunately requires you to sometimes touch the anuses of dead animals and should probably be avoided. Taxidermy also constitutes real work, and should therefore be avoided.

Another way to make money is counterfeiting (making your own money). This is fine if you are really, really clever, but often leads to prison, and therefore the possibility of pooping without a toilet seat, and therefore should also be avoided.

The final, and best, way of making money is convincing other people to give you theirs freely and of their own free will while doing very little real work yourself.

This is very different than convincing other people to give you money because otherwise you will kidnap or poke them with spears or bullets (also known as taxation).

Getting people to give you their money freely (i.e. fleecing) is easy once you learn some of the most basic facts about people and what they like. For example, colons. Did you notice when you bought this book that it had a colon in the title? People eat that shit up.

Colons add a sense of academic authority to your work, even when there is none!

This book is awesome because in it, you will learn all about how to fleece people. This will empower you to makes lots of money with very little work or investment on your part. Moreover, you might then become famous or found attractive by other people. Also, small woodland creatures might provide for you if you should become shipwrecked.

For instance, by spitting and roasting themselves over a fire (results may vary). Also, this book is written in plain, simple American, and not in one of those hard languages, like Sanskrit or Cockney.

This is because fleecing people is about understanding that simple is often the best way, and that making things hard deliberately obfuscates the discussion.

This book is basically divided up into different chapters. Each chapter will provide you with more insider-secrets that will help you fleece the public and gather for yourself the praise and adulations of a grateful nation (results may vary).

At each step, you will be advancing up a mystical pyramid whose summit is supreme financial freedom and so on. Here is a picture of that pyramid:

Figure 1: The Success Pyramid

There! Now get fleecing!

* * * *

Chapter 1: People = Stupid

People are stupid. This can be verified by your friends. For instance, they are dumb. If you do not have any friends, this can also be used to show that people are stupid because you are so totally awesome and others do not recognize this fact. Here are some other ways that people are stupid:

1. They like sushi

2. They like small dogs

3. They eat too much and get fat and then are sad. (If you are fat, it is not your fault. Once you are wealthy, you can claim to be stout.)

4. Chocolate covered raisins—which are they? Chocolate or raisins? Stupid!

There are many ways that you can turn people’s abject stupidity to your own advantage. For instance, you can sell them

Reviews for How to Fleece the Public

[sky howell · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

Just fabulous. It has been a long time and a rare occasion that I have enjoyed someone’s writing this much.
I had actually only meant to take a quick glance at the table of contents, I had no plans to read it and if ever, not at this time anyway. I was totally hooked by the first page. Speaking of plans I didn’t have, I wasn’t planning to be online until 7 am stalking the author so I can creep them out with a way too enthusiastic and gushing email about my opinions of them. While I am not a “real psychic”, I feel confident in predicting that Is probably what is going to happen.
. Luckily I have the attention span of a hummingbird and will have wandered off to build a clock or something long before any actual stalking occurs. It is all fun and games until you are hiding naked in Vic Taybac’s bushes, crying and eating an ice cream cone (one would think) So don’t you worry, I’m not some weirdo.