Looking Within: A Man's Journey to Find Himself

By Andrew T Locke

"Looking Within: A Man's Journey to Find Himself" (LW) is the coming of age story of a 21st-century beatnik, Jake. Jake is a college student from Kearney, Nebraska, and he fails out of the University of Nebraska, Kearney. He moves back into his divorced mother's home, and he can't swing with that scene. He runs away by hitching a ride with an older cat named Joey. LW is the tale of their road trip & how Jake 'finds himself.' Initially, the atmosphere in the car is silent, and the book is largely Jake's internal dialogue regarding his choice to leave Nebraska as well as regarding his search for a life-path. Conversations between Jake and Joey begin as their bohemian road trip continues, and those conversations gradually unfold into sessions of dialectic. Jake lives on the road for a couple of weeks to the perfectly punctuate his search for his identity. Jake's life lacks direction, but his search helps him choose a direction. Jake is inspired to build a plan for his life through his experiences and explorations on this trip, in particular by books he reads regarding Eastern thought and by a girl he meets. Jake still chooses to return to home in Nebraska to repair the relationship with his mom. Jake only tells Joey which exit to take off the highway, but Joey drives to the correct house with no further directions. How does he know which house is Jake and his mother's house is without further directions?!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Andrew T Locke
• Release date: Jan 14, 2012
• ISBN: 9781465901811

Andrew T Locke

About the Author: Andrew T. Locke is the author of the Road Trip eBooks novels, and he runs Road Trip eBooks as his digital press. Andrew knows all about life on the road as he's a 21st-century beatnik. Just like Joey he loves to travel, and he loves to do it by car. However, the beatnik in Andrew also believes that traveling by motorcycle is the perfect way to travel and to align oneself with each moment. Aligning oneself with the moment inherently facilitates soul-searching which is what the beatniks are all about! Just like Jake, Andrew knows what it is like to look for the deeper answers. To feel compelled to travel, to search Zen Buddhism and Taoism and Eastern thought generally, and to look to the beauty of Mother Nature while seeking those answers. Andrew has been to 42 of the 50 states as well as 6 different countries so far in his search, yet he still hasn't 'found' an answer. The journey is the destination, after all.

Book preview

Looking Within:

A Man’s Journey to Find Himself

By Andrew T. Locke

1st of Jake’s Wanderings trilogy

The true profession of man is to find his way to himself.

-- Hermann Hesse

What’s your road man? -- Holyboy road, madman road, rainbow road, guppy road, any road. It’s an anywhere road for anybody anyhow.

Dean Moriarty, from Jack Kerouac’s On the Road

Smashwords Edition

©2012, Andrew T. Locke

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Smashwords Edition, License Notes

This e-book is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This e-book may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return To Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

ISBN # 978-1-4659-0181-1

Table of Contents

Epigraph

Chapter 1:Jake’s Journey Begins

Chapter 2:Across the Great Divide

Chapter 3:Mother Nature’s Panties

Chapter 4: Lake Powell

Chapter 5:Inyo National Forest & Mammoth Lakes

Chapter 6:The Open Mind

Chapter 7:426 Chalmers Street

Chapter 8:Wu-Wei, the Valley Spirit, & San Francisco

Chapter 9:Eastern Thought Out West

Chapter 10:University of California, Sonoma

Chapter 11:Hidden Treasures

Chapter 12:Long Time Gone

Chapter 13:Jake’s Homecoming

Chapter 14:State Residency

Chapter 15:Jake’s Plan

Look within. All the answers you will ever need

are within you at this moment. Look within to discover.

--Buddha

Chapter 1

Jake’s Journey Begins

I started to come down here when I was around five. I first came down here to hide. My Mom and Dad had split up. I wanted my parents to be happy and for us to be a happy family. We weren’t like that, though, and I was really sad about that. I needed to cry, and I didn’t want anyone to see. So I came down here. Down by the highway. I could see the freeway lights, the traveling cars, and the moon. I climbed the tallest tree I could climb, and I stayed here late that first night -- crouched in the tree and crying to the moon.

I kept coming down here after that, down to my private ‘sanctuary’ right next to the highway. I came here for peace. I often came to contemplate issues in my life. I also came down here to read. It was quiet here, and I liked that. I would find my favorite notch of my favorite tree and sit and read my novel for an entire summer day. The highway was the only distraction, and I eventually learned to tune that out. I began to truly understand the beauty of the highway by coming down here. It led to thousands of other people from thousands of other places. People living happy lives. I wanted to live one of those lives; I suspected that the secret to a happy life was to live in one of those other places. I knew that the highway could lead me to that place.

Right now I am walking through my ‘sanctuary’ thinking that I should know my destination already. The place where I should direct my life. You know, my calling. I have discovered it is a very mystical path that keeps eluding me. I had gone to college because I thought that was the path I was meant to follow. I failed out of college at the end of the last school year, though, and that made me miserable. I never thought that I would do poorly in school; I had always earned good grades and done well before. Suddenly I didn’t earn those grades anymore, though, and my life was starting to slide away from me. College didn’t feel like the right path anymore. I am frantically trying to pick up the pieces of my life as quickly as I can, but I keep spilling them as quickly as I pick them up. I haven’t been able to start to put the pieces back together again yet, either.

After I failed out of the University of Nebraska, Kearney (UNK), I came back home. I was told that I had to work at my grandfather’s tailor shop; I was not allowed to work anywhere else. I was frustrated that I wasn’t allowed to find my own job. My Mom said that I had not earned that freedom yet, that I had earned a limited job selection because of my recent behaviors. She said that I could choose a job by myself once I showed that I could handle living my life properly. She also said that the shop might be handed down to me. If I grew to completely understand the shop and if, of course, I was in good graces with my grandfather, then the shop might be handed down to me. I stress the word might, mind you. Until those days, though, I must work for my grandfather.

Begrudgingly I went to work for Gramps. I tried to learn the ‘ins’ and ‘outs’ of the shop, but he wouldn’t teach me any of them. I was assigned to cut fabric. Every day! I grew to hate the sound of scissors. Snip, snip, snip! Couldn’t he see that I was capable of something more difficult than scissor duty?! That frustrated me even further, and it made my life that much more unpleasant.

I had not expected to have to go through this kind of drudgery. High school is supposed to be the perfect environment for the students to learn to use their minds, and I had done well in high school. Then we were supposed to go to college to teach us how to think even more efficiently. I thought that I’d zip through college just like I had zipped through high school. Then I would be ready to go out into the real world and make myself a lot of money with my wealth of knowledge.

I had discovered that I didn’t need to work hard in high school. I did most of the homework in a few minutes with little effort. That got me accepted into a number of colleges, and I had gone to UNK. One of the first lessons that the college professors taught my classmates and I was to always assess and question everything. As I began to do that, I saw that there were principles and views that I valued more than I valued material wealth. I prioritized my life around those principles, and I began to determine my belief structure. I figured that when I had completed that task then I would go out and make lots of money – but not before. Determining my belief structure was a significantly higher priority than money, wasn’t it? I began to be too busy thinking and analyzing and questioning everything to channel much energy toward schoolwork, though. Therefore I earned rotten grades and flunked out of school.

Failing out of UNK completely altered my opinion of myself. I had always thought school was a snap, and I had thought that I was a pretty bright guy. Since I couldn’t handle school anymore, though, I felt I was a fool. A fool who was too busy questioning things to actually do anything. A dreamer and a louse. My Mom and Grandpa have even less faith in me after my expulsion from school than I do. That lack of faith seems to lead us to incessant bickering about everything!

Earlier tonight we fought about my future. My Mom wanted to know exactly what my plans for my life were, since I didn’t like her ideas. I told her that I wasn’t sure. That popped her cork, and she tore off on a rant. She said that it was high time I began to plot my course, that I had been procrastinating growing up long enough. Then her mental wheels began to turn, and she proceeded to reiterate her pathway for me once again. I should work hard for Gramps, learn all the nuances of the store, and prove that I deserved to have the store handed down to me. Gramps was very reticent about eventually bequeathing me his store, but he agreed that he would consider it if I really knew how the store functioned. He said that he would give the store to me once I proved my ability to run it completely. He was adamant about how I must prove my ability to run the entire store. I said that I did not really like working at the store, and that there was no way I wanted to spend the rest of my life doing it. I also said that I thought that the only reason he had given me a job was so that he could keep an eye on me and report my behavior back to Mom.

Then Mom snapped, again. She said that he had given me the job because he loved me and was looking out for me. The only reason he hadn’t given me any responsibilities yet, she said, was because I had not proved that I could handle them! Then she started yelling about how I should be damn glad that my family accepted me back after I had failed out of school, let alone that my family had an opportunity for me. They were just trying to look out for my best interests. How could I not see that, she asked. I yelled back that I didn’t want the job, and that I still wanted to be away at school. Hell, I didn’t want to have my family always breathing down my neck. I would like to develop a life for myself outside of this little town, I screamed. She said that I had damn well better figure out where and how because she wasn’t going to give me another dime for school. I screamed that I didn’t expect her to pay for it. Then I pounded off to my room and slammed the door.

I had packed some stuff, and then I had stormed out of the house in a huff. I had grabbed some clothes, and threw them into my frame pack. I also grabbed my sleeping bag, my rucksack, my toiletry kit, a couple books, some cash and my ATM debit card. I made sure that I had my wits about me, too. I had come down here by the side of the highway to my sanctuary, and I had thought I was ready to leave home, to plot my course.

I didn’t think that I could handle living at home anymore. Fighting with my Mom gets to be really hard for me to handle. Can’t she see that I am well aware of the problems in my life, but that I haven’t figured out how to solve them yet? Doesn’t she realize that if I knew how to solve them, I would? What does she think I am? A fool? My problems are easily seen problems; they just aren’t easily solved. I always try like hell to solve the problems, and I also regularly think I have done so. That is when my implemented solutions backfire, and I can see the errors in my approach. That is also when I realize that I am defeated, and I go back to square one to find another possible solution.

My Mom cannot stand most of my solutions. That is ninety percent of what we fight about. She always has her solutions that do not correspond well to my values, and my solutions never correspond with her set of values. Hence, we regularly fight. She forgets that it is my decision because it is my life! Her decision may be wiser, and I try to remain open to that. It is simply that we are different people, and we need to give each other the freedom to be different. She always gets so bitchy when I do not choose her solution, though, and I don’t understand why.

That is what I was thinking a couple of hours ago. After my temper cooled – and my self-confidence faltered – I began to doubt myself. What would happen between my Mom and me if I left? Would it be any better than it currently is? Would we ever speak to each other again? Shit, what would happen to me if I left? Would I be able to survive? I’m sure that I would do what I wanted, but would those things actually steer me down a pathway that would bring me some success? Wherever the hell that pathway is.

I guess it really doesn’t matter, though. I haven’t found my pathway yet, and the pathway Mom wants me to follow isn’t the right one. Run the tailor shop? Christ. If I leave, though, I will be completely on my own. Am I really ready for that? Can I handle that effectively? Will I? I don’t know. All I know is that I have been down here most of the night trying to muster up the guts to stick out my thumb.

And then a westbound car pulled over.

I’m headed west. That where you’re headed? asked the bearded driver, If you are, get in. You can put your stuff in the back seat…or would you like me to open the trunk?

I froze. Decision time. Did I really want to leave home? If I left, I would leave my entire life behind.

Did you hear me? he asked again.

Am I really ready to leave? I don’t know…screw it, I’d go. If I stay, Mom and I will just end up fighting about something else. I asked him to open the trunk, and I threw my stuff into it. I plopped down in the front seat of the car thereafter.

Where exactly are you headed? the driver asked as we pulled onto the highway.

Anywhere.

Ahh, he smirked, Kind of like a soldier hanging by his teeth from a branch over a canyon, huh?

What? I scowled.

His hands cannot reach any branch and his feet cannot reach any limb. Then his sergeant calls to him. What does he do?

What…

If he does not answer, he fails by not answering his Sergeant. If he does answer, he falls to his death. What should he do?

I paused.

What in the hell does that have to do with anything? I said bluntly.

It’s kind of like the reason you are here, right? You look fairly young, and you just have a backpack with all your stuff packed into it. Nothing else. So I am going to guess that you are leaving home. Running away, so to speak. If you were going on vacation, you’d have a suitcase and most likely be at the airport. Is that a good guess?

Yes, I answered, and the driver began to nod his head. He looked away from the mirror and got back onto the highway.

And then the parable began to sink in. Staying at home would be like hanging on to the tree with my teeth and not answering the call of the highway. Answering the call of the road would mean letting go of the branch and falling into the canyon. (1)

That’s a very good analogy, I said.

Thank you.

What is your name? My name is Jake, I said, and I thrust out my hand.

My name’s Joey. It’s nice to meet you, Jake, he said, shaking my hand firmly. You’ll love being out on the road. It’s invigorating. I love the freedom of traveling. Fell in love with it when I was in my early 20s. About your age, I’d guess.

Another good guess.

This was it. Complete freedom…while I was falling all the way down the canyon. There were no guarantees with the freedom. I might fall all the way down, but I might catch a hold of something jutting from the canyon wall at some juncture. Hell, I might grow wings and be able to fly. The freedom felt great, though. I was now on the road, and this guy…this Joey…was my guide.

Joey didn’t talk much so I broke out one of my books. It was The Way of Zen, by Alan Watts. It began by telling the story of Taoism. Then it told how Buddhism developed after Taoism, and it detailed the absorption of Buddhism into China and eventually into Japan as well. At that time, Confucianism and Taoism were very popular in China. Confucianism is a very societal and conscientious philosophy; Taoism and Buddhism promote doing one’s own thing independent of society and minding one’s own affairs. Confucianism’s moral and ethical influence on Buddhism made it a more socially accepted religion, and that was critical to Buddhism’s popularity in Japan. I was just to the part of the book where Watts began to explain that the true principle behind Zen is the paradox of being a Buddha without intending to be a Buddha. I realized, though, that I could not concentrate on reading now because of the road, especially not on a complex subject like Eastern thought.

I looked up from the book and over at Joey. I had been wary about hitchhiking. I would have to ride with whoever picked me up. That made me really think twice about hitchhiking. I mean, who would actually stop and pick up a hitchhiker? I wouldn’t. Only a weirdo would, right? That was another reason that I hadn’t stuck out my thumb. Fear. As I was leaning there against a tree all afraid, though, some guy had pulled over and offered me a ride voluntarily. I would have to be awfully careful with this guy, I had thought. He seemed fairly bright, though.

I didn’t know what to make of Joey. He couldn’t have been on a business trip. He was dressed too casually for that. I didn’t spot a lot of luggage, and I wondered what that meant. Was he on vacation? He didn’t seem like he had seen civilization in weeks. What did that mean? What did his silence indicate? What in the hell was he thinking? I had to swallow my fears and bite my tongue, given the circumstances. He could just be silent because we hadn’t known each other long. He might also be focused on where he was going. All I know is that he kept his mouth shut. I guess that was fair. It was his car, after all. Was he on a permanent vacation? He had said he was a traveler and loved traveling. He could just travel from town to town to town, pick up hitchhikers, deceive them, and eventually kill them. I didn’t know yet, and I decided that it would be a wise idea to be on my guard.

I couldn’t help but wonder about him, though. Why was he on the road? Was he just traveling to the next