Witty Pieces by Witty People A collection of the funniest sayings, best jokes, laughable anecdotes, mirthful stories, etc., extant

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Title: Witty Pieces by Witty People

       A collection of the funniest sayings, best jokes, laughable

              anecdotes, mirthful stories, etc., extant

Author: Various

Editor: Anonymous

Release Date: July 6, 2013 [EBook #43101]

Language: English

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The Popular Series of Choice Novels.

WITTY PIECES BY

WITTY PEOPLE

A BOOK OF FUNNY STORIES.

AT PLAY.

Wondah ef dat bi-spi's got dun countin' yet?

Hey, you Willie Johnson! ef you don't quit taggin' so hard, I ain't gwine play wid you no mo'. —Light.

ROYAL PUBLISHING CO.,

528 Locust Street, . . . . . . . Philadelphia, Pa.

WITTY PIECES BY WITTY PEOPLE.

A COLLECTION

OF THE

FUNNIEST SAYINGS, BEST JOKES, LAUGHABLE

ANECDOTES, MIRTHFUL

STORIES, ETC., EXTANT.

ILLUSTRATED WITH MANY STRIKING AND AMUSING

CUTS.

Copyrighted, 1894, by Crawford & Co.

PHILADELPHIA, PA.:

ROYAL PUBLISHING CO.

MR. AND MRS. BOWSER.

The Former Decides to Give a Progressive Euchre Party.

Mr. Bowser suddenly looked up from his paper the other evening and asked:

Why is it that we haven't given a progressive euchre party this season?

They have been voted too much trouble, I replied.

They have, eh? Did any one vote besides you? I saw half a dozen mentioned in the papers last Sunday.

It's almost impossible to get thirty or forty people together on a certain evening, even if all desire to come. Mrs. Johnson calculated on eight tables and only had enough for five. Mrs. Dart calculated on——

Oh, bosh! What does a woman's calculation amount to?

But if people can't come and don't come, what are you going to do?

They can come, and they will come. It's all in the management.

Well, I wish you'd try it.

Do you? Very well, Mrs. Bowser; I shall give a progressive euchre party next week, Wednesday evening. If you'll see to the refreshments I'll see to the people.

I'll be glad to, of course, but——

But what?

You must prepare yourself for disappointments.

Oh, I must! How kind of you to give me warning! Mrs. Bowser, I don't want to seem vain or egotistical, but I'll invite thirty-six people here on that night, and for every one who fails to come I'll give you a $20 bill.

You are very kind—very kind. I hope the party, will be a great success. You can begin at once.

During the next hour he had the use of the telephone to call up acquaintances, and when he finally hung up the trumpet he turned to me with:

Anything very dismal about that, Mrs. Bowser? I've got ten couple without moving out of my tracks. I'll have the other eight before to-morrow night.

That is, they will promise to come.

Promise! Promise! Do you imagine that all other people are like you? Most folks know their own minds for a day or two ahead, Mrs. Bowser.

When he came home next night he had a list of eighteen couples who had been invited and solemnly promised to come. Mr. Bowser had made it a point to inform each one that the playing would begin at eight sharp, and all had agreed to be on hand fifteen minutes before that hour.

Voted too much trouble—can't get people enough! sneered Mr. Bowser as he looked over the list. It's in the management, Mrs. Bowser—all in the management.

For three days he walked around on tiptoe and took every occasion to brag over me. Then came the first setback. We were at dinner when the telephone rang and Mr. Bowser was asked for.

Hello, Bowser.

Yes.

This is Filbert.

Yes.

I wanted to tell you that we can't come down to the party.

You can't?

No. My wife has just remembered that she agreed to go over to Johnson's on that night. Sorry, old fellow, but I hope——

Mr. Bowser shut him off with a loud bang and returned to me and said:

Mrs. Bowser, don't you ever darken Filbert's doors again—never! They are liars and dangerous people. I can fill their places in five minutes.

Before he got out of the house there was another ring.

Hello, Bowser!

Yes.

This is Watkins.

Yes.

When I told you the other day we'd be down Wednesday evening, I forgot that our Eva was to have a child's party on the same evening. That knocks us out.

And you can't come?

Of course not. Sorry to disappoint you, old fellow, but of course——

Watkins is a liar, Mrs. Bowser—a first class, bold-faced liar! exclaimed Mr. Bowser, and you want to cut the whole family as dead as a door nail!

He went off saying he could get 2,000,000 couples to take their places, and he returned at evening just as the following note came by the hands of a messenger boy:

Mr. and Mrs. Jackson present their compliments, and regret that the death of an uncle in China will prevent them from being present on Wednesday evening.

Mr. Bowser had begun to turn white when the telephone rang.

Hello, Bowser!

Yes.

Say, old man, this is a world of change, you know. When I told you we'd come down to that party I never thought about my sister. She's to be married that same evening. Tra-la, old boy; hope you'll have a good time.

I told you it would be hard work to get so many people out, I remarked.

Did you, Mrs. Bowser? How kind of you! But I'll show you and these liars and deceivers a thing or two before I get through.

There were no more declinations until Wednesday morning. Then Mr. Bowser was called up by telephone.

That you, Bowser?

Yes.

Is it to-night you have that party?

Yes.

Pshaw! I thought it was a week from to-night! Well, that knocks us out. We've got to go to the Y. M. C. A. Sorry, you know, but this is a previous engagement.

Mr. Bowser was jumping up and down when there came another ring.

Hello, Bowser!

Yes.

Nice weather.

Yes.

All well down there?

Yes.

Say, Bowser, my wife made a previous engagement for to-night. We've got to go to——

Mr. Bowser shut him off with a bang and started for the office. During the forenoon I took in two more declinations, and while he was at dinner there was a ring and the old familiar hail:

Hello, Bowser!

Yes.

Say, Bowser!

Yes.

We expect to be down early to-night.

Glad of it.

But it may be that my mother-in-law will come in on the 6.30 train. If she does we can't come.

Mr. Bowser seemed dazed as he hung up the trumpet and left the house. The last blow came at 7 in the evening. The telephone rang and he crawled over to answer.

Is this Bowser's?

Yes.

Where's the old man?

I am Mr. Bowser.

Oh! so you are. Your voice seems mighty weak to-night. Say, old man, the three couples of us in this terrace were coming down to-night, but we must disappoint you at this late moment. We have had free tickets sent up for the opera, and of course——

Mr. Bowser walked to the front door, locked it, muffled the bell and turned out the gas. Then he sat down and was very quiet for a couple of hours. At last he looked up and said:

Mrs. Bowser, some husbands would murder a wife for this!

But what have I done?

What have you done? Coaxed, bribed and bulldozed me into giving a progressive euchre party, and where's the party? I told you how it would come out, and here we are! Mrs. Bowser, I—I——

But he was too full for further utterance, and went to bed.

—Detroit Free Press.

Reasonable.

Postmaster—The letter is too heavy; it wants another stamp.

Countrywoman—Why, that will make it heavier still!

—Humoristische.

Actors may have no end of animosities in private life, but they always make up before they appear on the stage.

—Greenville Advocate.

AN ICY RECEPTION.

Bromley—Why, Digsby, what's the matter? you look chilled.

Digsby—Right you are, deah boy, the fact is, I attended a social the other evening and everything they served was iced.

By H. C. R.

Dakota has a town named Patronage. Patronage is generally considered a good thing out of which to make capital.

—Boston Transcript.

Men who have anything in their heads find plenty to do with their hands.—J. Howard, Jr., in N. Y. Press. That's so. We saw a tramp the other day who evidently had something in his head, and both hands were in use.

EFFECTS OF A DOSE OF THE ELIXIR.

Jones' better half had presented him with twins. When nurse brought them into the room for inspection the poor man was so bewildered at the multitudinous character of his happiness that he asked: Am I to choose?

—Judge.

A Chicago man tried to commit suicide by perforating his head with a bullet. The bullet passed through his skull all right, but did not touch the brain. Before a man goes gunning for his own brains, he ought to acquire the requisite skill by practicing at a pea in a peck measure for a time.

—Binghamton Republican.

Few Things Boston Girls Don't Know.

He—Of course you know what a garter snake is?

She (from Boston)—If you refer to that representative of the serpentine family with the same propensities characteristic to an elastic band used to retain hosiery in a stationery position, I do.

—Binghamton Democrat.

Saved His Honor.

Smith—I was sorry to hear, Brown, that you had failed in business.

Brown—Yes, I struggled hard, but I lost everything, save my honor, thank Heaven, and the property I was wise enough to settle