Deal With It: A 12 Week Study on Teenage Girls' Anger

By Mary Huebner

Anger is a regular part of every middle school girl’s world. Often times, this anger can appear as open aggression where girls bully one another, or they can unhealthily suppress their anger. But there are godly and appropriate ways students can respond to situations that make them angry. Deal With It gives youth leaders the tools to help middle school girls deal with their anger. Through activities that include reading and responding to stories about Maria, a fictional teen, students will learn to recognize their anger and find healthy ways to express their emotions.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Zondervan
• Release date: Dec 15, 2009
• ISBN: 9780310867210

Mary Huebner

Mary Huebner has been involved with youth ministry for over 27 years. She has been part of Interlinc's Write Group for five years and is a contributing writer for InWord and YouthWorker Journal. Her commitment to youth has included directing more than 70 weeks of summer youth camps, 25 of those weeks targeted to middle schoolers. For the past ten years she has been a middle school youth leader at the Oak Grove Church of God in Tampa, Florida.

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YOUTH SPECIALTIES

DEAL WITH IT!: A 12 WEEK STUDY ON TEENAGE GIRLS’ ANGER

Copyright 2009 by Mary Huebner

All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of Zondervan.

ePub Edition August 2009 ISBN: 978-0-310-86721-0

Youth Specialties resources, 300 S. Pierce St., El Cajon, CA 92020 are published by Zondervan, 5300 Patterson Ave. SE, Grand Rapids, MI 49530.

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Huebner, Mary.

Deal with it : a teenage girl’s guide to anger / Mary Huebner.

p. cm.

Includes bibliographical references.

ISBN 978-0-310-28510-6

1. Teenage girls—Religious life. 2. Christian teenagers—Religious life. 3. Anger—Religious aspects—Christianity. I. Title.

BV4551.3.H84 2009

248.8'33—dc22

2008049908

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All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from the Holy Bible, Today’s New International Version™. TNIV®. Copyright 2001, 2005 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.

Some Scripture quotations are taken from THE MESSAGE. Copyright © 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 2000, 2001, 2002. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means — electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or any other — except for brief quotations in printed reviews, without the prior permission of the publisher.

Internet addresses (websites, blogs, etc.) and telephone numbers printed in this book are offered as a resource to you. These are not intended in any way to be or imply an endorsement on the part of Zondervan, nor do we vouch for the content of these sites and numbers for the life of this book.

Cover design by SharpSeven Design

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CONTENTS

Cover Page

Title Page

Copyright Page

Forward

Preface

Lesson One: Admit You Are Angry

Why Are You Angry?

Lesson Two: Threatened Self-Worth

Lesson Three: Unmet Needs

Lesson Four: Unique Values

How Are You Angry?

Lesson Five: Suppression

Lesson Six: Open Aggression

Lesson Seven: Passive Aggression

Lesson Eight: Be Assertive

Lesson Nine: Dropping Anger

Anger Is a Choice

Lesson Ten: Owning Your Anger

Lesson Eleven: Making the Right Choices

Lesson Twelve: You Are Not Alone and You Are Deeply Loved:

Breaking the Bondage of Codependency

Appendix: Listening Prayer Verses

Bibliography

About the Publisher

Share Your Thoughts

FOREWORD

Anger is one of the most destructive emotions I’ve ever encountered. It is also rather elusive, mysterious, and confusing. What causes it? What prevents it? How can it be controlled? I recall as a young child seeing angry outbursts between my parents. But then they divorced, and life became more peaceful. Later, when I did see displays of anger, I always felt disturbed by them. I believe that as a result of my early childhood I developed a low tolerance for that emotion. And when I became a Christian (as a teen), I must’ve assumed that anger would never again be part of my life. Because why would a Christian get angry? Or if a Christian did get angry, surely he or she would manage to be angry without sinning. After all, wasn’t that what the Bible taught? They would never let the sun go down on their anger…right?

Then I got married, and I thought I was marrying Mr. Wonderful. In so many ways he truly was—kind, gentle, caring, wise, strongly committed to the Lord…and yet…he had an anger problem. Of course, I didn’t discover this problem until we had our children. That’s when his anger began to rise to the surface—he would lose his temper, and his closest loved ones would be hurt. That soon became one of the greatest frustrations of my life. It was equally frustrating to him—and to our two sons.

Unfortunately, we didn’t have very good tools to deal with this problem. As much as I tried, I couldn’t pray it away. As hard as my husband worked (reading books, attending church, etc.), he couldn’t seem to control it. What we didn’t realize at the time was that much of his anger was deep-rooted from childhood. He replayed situations he’d experienced as a young child. It was like he was pre-programmed for outrage. His other trigger (we learned later on) was that in situations where he felt out of control, his anger would flare up. But, hey, it’s pretty hard to control life—especially with children and other imperfections around. Thankfully, he eventually got a handle on it. And life has been relatively peaceful ever since.

The reason I’m sharing such a personal part of our lives (with my husband’s permission) is to say this is a valuable book. I wish we’d had something like this (maybe written for guys) back when we were dealing with this very issue. These well-thought-out exercises, definitions, Scripture, and information would’ve been extremely helpful for increasing our understanding about anger. It would’ve helped to eliminate the mysterious and elusive element.

I write and care deeply for teenage girls, and I think this book will be an extremely useful tool for them. We live in an age where hurts, challenges, and out-of-control emotions abound—and these can lead to anger. Like it or not, anger impacts everyone. Even if you don’t have an anger problem yourself, it’s quite likely you know someone who does. For that reason I highly recommend this book and applaud the author for putting it together with creativity and insight.

Melody Carlson

Author of the Diary of a Teenage Girl and TrueColors series

PREFACE

"No one, Dave Rahn said, is taking what the academic community knows of human and child development and merging it with what we in the faith community know of spiritual formation."

My husband and I were having lunch with Dave after the morning session of his critical concern course for the National Youth Workers Convention in Tampa. At the time, Dave was a professor in the Educational Ministries Department of Huntington University and a researcher of youth ministry practices and trends as the codirector of Link Institute. He told us that countless research from the secular perspective has been done on child development, learning styles, modalities, and the best teaching practices. He then pointed out that there’s a wealth of material on spiritual formation produced by the faith community. And he challenged us to envision what the paradigm of youth ministry would look like if we honored the secular research and meshed it with our practices of spiritual formation.

That day I took up the gauntlet. In order to reach and equip students, I now try to mesh everything I’ve learned about human and child development with everything I know of spiritual formation.

My own journey of spiritual formation began in kindergarten and continued when I was a teenager attending Indian Springs Holiness Camp Meeting, where I sat at the feet of some of Asbury Theological Seminary’s finest professors. Later, I attended Asbury College and crossed the street to date a seminary student. After my sophomore year of college, I married that seminary student. I then left the college campus, where I knew everyone, to serve in ministry in a country across the sea where I knew no one.

I grew up in a home that didn’t encourage the expression of negative emotions, and I went into ministry in a church that didn’t encourage clergy or clergy wives to express negative emotions or personal issues. Ministry is rewarding and worth the investment, yes, but ministry is hard. My journey has taken me on some very dark paths, where in the midst of emotional upheaval, I’ve found God to be faithful and true. In counseling and spiritual direction, I’ve come face-to-face with my own anger management issues and found the grace and tools to work through them.

For the last 28 years, I’ve been in the process of raising three sons. This means that over the course of a decade, I had at least one son in middle school. Two of my sons served as youth leaders in congregational ministry, and the youngest is majoring in youth ministry and missions at Mid-America Christian University. For the last 28 years, I’ve also worked in ministry with middle school students and directed more than 30 middle school camp weeks. From that experience I’ve learned the definition of hell—a middle school camp with 80 girls and only one boy. Even so, I’ve grown to love middle school students and their unique issues and offerings. My youth ministry has extended geographically and culturally from Northern Ireland to Wisconsin to Florida.

One of the things I’ve learned during my years working with youth is that teenagers are searching for the answers to some key questions:

• Who am I?

• Who loves me?

• Am I lovable?

• What do I do well?

Youth ministry is uniquely equipped to help students answer these key questions and to provide safe, significant adults to come alongside them for the journey through adolescence. Teenage girls especially tend to work out the answers to these questions in a manner that is wrought with emotional tension and aggression. This frightens many youth workers, so my desire is to give them a tool for navigating this turbulent time in the lives of their female students, before the patterns of passive aggression, suppression, and open aggression take a huge toll on these young girls’ lives and in their relationships.

Inappropriate female aggression and some form of bullying have affected the life of every female who’s lived past the age of 12. Anger—in its various manifestations including denial, suppression, and avoidance—is a normal part of the middle school female’s social world. But it doesn’t have to be. We can relate and manage our authentic negative feelings in ways that can defuse anger and build healthier relationships.

Many of the females I’ve questioned about anger have responded that they don’t experience much anger in their lives. The problem is their narrow definition of anger. Because they don’t strike out in open aggression, they believe anger isn’t an issue for them. They don’t understand that avoidance, resentment, envy, annoyance, and a host of other secondary emotions are reflections of the primary emotion of anger. Many of these same females would readily admit to me that they often avoid people they don’t like. They simply don’t recognize that avoidance is one of anger’s many faces.

While in theory it may sound like a good idea not to have negative emotions, in reality you cannot suppress your negative feelings without suppressing all of your feelings. Females who suppress or deny their negative emotions become unhealthy emoters and eventually cope by emotionally detaching or becoming emotionally aloof.

God did not intend for us to hide our negative feelings or to suppress them. Scripture tells us in Ephesians 4:26, BE ANGRY, AND yet DO NOT SIN; do not let the sun go down on your anger (NASB). We are quick to speak to the last half of this verse, and rightly so; but we do each other an injustice when we glaze over the first two words: Be angry.

Scripture is full of anger, and the Psalms are a primary example of how God moved David through his anger to a healthy perspective. The anger, in all its ugliness, is there on the table so God may deal with David’s heart. Cast your cares on the LORD (Psalm 55:22) may be a familiar verse, and it may even sound as though David chose the higher road by allowing God to deal with his cares. However, in verse 15, only seven verses earlier, David cried out to God, Let death take my enemies by surprise; let them go down alive to the realm of the dead (Psalm 55:15). David may have ended up at a place of faith and reliance on the sovereignty of God, but he worked through some strong anger and negative thoughts before he arrived. Suppressed anger will fester and turn to bitterness. But anger that’s admitted before God can be managed in appropriate and positive ways.

Much has been written about female anger in the last decade, but there are few tools to help youth leaders deal with the issue on a weekly basis. In order to deal appropriately with the emotion of anger and to manage it well, we have to admit that the anger is there. When we get the issue out into the light by admitting we’re angry, we can then confront the negative consequences of mismanaging our anger.

Isolating what our anger is defending is the first step in learning to manage anger in appropriate ways that build relationships, rather than tear them apart. Given the opportunity and the right anger-management tools, students can determine if they’re angry because their self-worth, values, or God-given needs are being threatened or disregarded.

Many young women have bought into a variety of deceptions regarding the source of their self-worth. It’s important to understand that our self-worth comes from God alone.

Several modalities of learning—such as film clips¹, tactile movement, and stories—are incorporated into each lesson to help open the windows of your students’ hearts. The hope is that each one will learn and then be able to apply what they’ve learned because they’re affected at an emotional level.

An integral part of this book is a storyline about Maria, a teenage girl who has experiences that may be similar to the situations in which your students find themselves. In each lesson they’ll read about Maria and how she deals with situations and her resulting feelings of anger.

I’ve found that students who otherwise wouldn’t open up are more likely to communicate after reading about Maria. Story is the language of the heart, and once students enter her story, they can be touched by Maria’s situation or pain. Many cannot wait to express what they believe Maria should do and how they would have reacted in her place. They feel safer expressing their feelings about a third party; and in doing so, they open a window to their own woundedness.

As you lead your students in this study about anger, you’ll undoubtedly want to share some of your own experiences. Authenticity and vulnerability are important and encouraged, but appropriate boundaries must always be in place. It’s perfectly acceptable to share a personal illustration that your students can relate to. However, you should share only about those issues that God has brought you through in the past. It’s never a good idea to share about issues you’re currently struggling with. Your students don’t need a new best friend—they need to be able to trust you and respect you.

My life has been a testimony to the need for this book. In my journey I’ve had to deal with 20-plus years of suppressed anger and negative emotions. Largely due to the expectations and confines of ministry, my emotional health was shot. In my counseling sessions I learned that God never intended for me to suppress my negative emotions, but wanted me to walk through them by God’s grace and in God’s presence.

But suppression is only one of the anger-management choices that will damage us. Open aggression and passive aggression lead to broken relationships and pain for everyone involved.

Every girl needs to have her feelings—both good and bad—validated. Then she can be taught the truth of God’s Word and God’s great love for her so she can make good emotional management choices. In this way she’ll learn that when she’s faced with angry feelings, she can choose to stand up for her self-worth, her needs, and her values while still respecting others by either being assertive or by dropping her anger.

¹Before you show video clips to your students, check out the following Web sites to make sure you are complying with copyright laws: Church Video License: www.cvli.com/about/index.cfm and Christian Copyright Licensing International: www.ccli.com/usa/default.aspx

LESSON ONE²

Admit You Are Angry

In this lesson you’ll confront the pivotal question: Is anger bad? Girls are often taught to conform to an image of femininity that excludes any outward expression of anger. Especially in American culture, girls are taught to shove aside their negative emotions and just be nice. Yet the Bible says, BE ANGRY, AND yet DO NOT SIN; do not let the sun go down on your anger (Ephesians 4:26 NASB). Note that the first phrase of this familiar passage is Be angry. The Word doesn’t say, Don’t be angry. Instead, the emphasis is on the management of the emotion.

There’s also a tendency to focus on a very narrow definition of anger. Whether we label our feelings as frustration, irritation, or hurt, we’re in fact dealing with anger. Anger is a natural emotional response to the things that threaten us. We all feel threatened at times, and therefore, we all get angry. In this lesson your students will begin to unmask their anger for what it truly is. They’ll also be exposed to a much broader definition of anger that includes emotions they feel on a regular basis, and they’ll have the opportunity to face and admit to their negative emotions.

In Lesson One your students will be introduced to Maria, and they will read about how Maria’s feelings are hurt by a thoughtless camp counselor. Your students will then have the opportunity