Do you believe in the idea that love is either there or it isn't? Do you think that your partner is either meant to be for you or not? Do you worry that a partner who is not always as perfect as you want them to be may not be the right partner for you? In today's episode we discuss how your mindset influences your thinking about relationships and dating. The notion of mindsets was developed by Stanford psychologist Carol Dweck (2006). She suggested that people can take up two extreme positions in life: they either have a fixed mindset or a growth mindset. If you have a fixed mindset you believe that your own qualities or that of others cannot change; if you have a growth mindset you strongly believe in stretching yourself through learning and trying. Your mindset will determine your attitude to all aspects of life including your thinking about relationships.You can read more about mindsets in Angela's article The 2 Life Positions that Determine Whether You Are More Open to Possibilities - Are you in control of your intelligence?Carol Dweck developed the idea of mindsets originally when observing children's behaviour. She noticed that some children gave up immediately when they were faced with a challenge or a setback telling themselves that they could not do the task. Other children, however, were not troubled by setbacks but simply tried again. Dweck's coined the terms fixed and growth mindsets to describe underlying beliefs about learning and about intelligence. Her findings found particular application in the realm of parenting and education. However, fixed and growth mindsets are equally useful concepts when considering romantic relationships.Fixed mindset in relationshipsA fixed mindset means that you are more likely to think of relationships as static; you are either in the right relationship or you are not. If problems come your way, you are more prone to worry about the relationship in terms of whether it is right or not. This attitude starts at the point of dating. With a fixed mindset you weigh up whether the person in front of you is right or not. There may be a strong underlying belief in destiny. If your date is not ticking all the boxes you consider them to be the wrong partner for you. Ultimately with a fixed mindset you are more likely to be anxious about challenges. The idea of one true, ideal lover and love as a constant is of course drummed into us through fairy tale stories and romantic Hollywood movies.Growth mindset in relationshipsWith a growth mindset you accept that relationships like other aspects of life are ever changing. You view relationships as an unfolding process of development. You don't view your partner as perfect but as flawed and you work at accepting these flaws. If there are 'set backs', e.g. you have a disagreement or an argument, you consider ways to address these difficulties and you are open to learning from them. With a growth mindset you think of yourself as constantly evolving and you apply the same principle to your partner. Relationships change and they require effort.For relationships to flourish they require survival beyond the early stage of relationship (see also our podcast on Relationship Stages). Growth mindsets can be cultivated. You can learn to view relationships as challenging and joyous. As a reflection on your relationship consider the following questions:1. What in your relationship do you think is unchangeable/ what hasn't worked?2. How would you like your relationship to be/what would you like to be doing with your partner?3. What effort do you put into your relationship on a regular basis?