Are you the higher desire partner in your relationship? In this episode, we discuss strategies to help you build the intimate relationship with your spouse that you’ve always wanted. Play in a new window Download Show Summary: Today we are going to talk about being the higher-desire partner in your marriage.  In Episode 34 we discussed sex and intimacy coming more from the lower-desire partner perspective.  I believe that it is so important for each one of us to cultivate that connection and desire for ourselves within our marriage and I go a lot more in depth on that in Episode 34.   Higher Desire Partners   So today I wanted to address the opposite - what if you are the higher desire partner in your marriage?  Today we are going be focusing again on the higher desire partner for sex and intimacy, but there is usually a higher desire partner in a lot of aspects of marriage, not just sex.  If a partner desires something more than another partner then they are the higher desire partner.   Right now my husband and I are in discussions about moving.  He wants to move more than I do.  So in this case he is the higher-desire partner.  Another area you see this a lot is deciding to have more children.  There is usually one spouse who wants to have a child more than the other.  But just because one partner wants something more than the other one, it doesn’t necessarily mean you are polar opposites, although that too can be the case.  But there is always one partner that wants something MORE than the other.   So, for the sake of consistency, and considering my audience is primarily women, I am going to be addressing this from the perspective that the woman is the higher desire partner.  I know a lot of you would balk at that.  I think culturally it is assumed that the husband is usually the higher desire partner, but that is not always the case.  I know many women, including myself, who are the higher desire partner.  Again, that doesn’t make your spouse “low desire” just “lower” than you.  But, even if you aren’t the higher desire partner in your marriage, I think this can be a really good way for you to understand what things might be like for your spouse and how they may be feeling as the higher desire partner.  I also think if you are NOT the higher desire partner, you shouldn’t just sit back and expect your spouse to change.  You are equally responsible for how you are showing up in this aspect of your marriage.   Thoughts and Feelings of the Higher Desire Partner   Being the higher desire partner is a powerless position.  You can’t make your spouse WANT to be with you. You can’t make them have more desire.  You can’t make them deal with their own sexuality, so it really is a hard position to be in.  But hopefully you’ll have a better idea of what you can do to create a better dynamic in your marriage after this podcast.   Ok - so what happens in your brain when you have the desire for sex or connection and intimacy and your spouse doesn’t?  Maybe you’ve tried to initiate things and they shut you down.  You might have thoughts like:   “This isn’t fair”  “Why can’t he just do it because I want to” “If he was a good husband, he would try to meet my needs” “This isn’t like what I see in movies”   So we know that all of our feelings are created by our thoughts.  So when you have thoughts like that, what kind of feelings does that create in you?  Probably something like: Frustration Anger Resentment Helplessness Hopeless   Or maybe you make it mean something about you when he doesn’t want sex?   “If I were more attractive he’d want to have sex with me more” “He doesn’t love me” “He doesn’t desire me” “I’m too fat” “Maybe if my boobs were bigger he would find me more attractive and want to have sex more.”   And those kinds of thoughts create feelings of Inadequacy Rejection Jealousy Neediness   Now think about when you are feeling these emotions?  Frustration, anger, resentment, jealous