In Part 1 of a two-part series, Patrick and Greg draw on their experiences with the National Institutes of Health and the Institute of Education Sciences (as grant PI/co-PI, reviewer, panelist, and panel chair) to discuss aspects of the grant review process, including the scoring criteria, conflicts of interest, what it's like "in the room," and what happens after grants are reviewed. They also talk about turkey legs, sausage making, acronym-based drinking games, hairy eyeballs, roller coasters, and Pink Floyd: The Wall.