Break the Chains of Glass: Memoirs of an Imperfect Addiction

By Francisco Puentes

Break the Chains of Glass," it begins by discussing the metaphorical 'glass chains' that bind us. These chains, he explains, are self-imposed limitations, fears, and insecurities that prevent us from achieving our goals and dreams. He emphasizes that these chains are not real but are created by our minds

• Language: English
• Publisher: FRP BOOKS
• Release date: Apr 12, 2024
• ISBN: 9798869281128

Book preview

PART ONE

Journal Thoughts – August 2013

Wake Up, Wake Up

Long Driver Home

Dragon Chaser

1

Journal Thoughts - August 2013

August 13, 2013

Today, I document all my adventures during my addiction to Crystal Meth. My particularly good friend Veronica said that it would be a great idea to write about the crazy shit that goes on during this phase in our lives. We have been to so many already, but to now, write about everything that is happening. Could have written the entire series now. So here goes nothing.

Driving to pick up a sack from Liles with Veronica by my copilot. This is sometimes like a mission. Hate when the connections are not delivered. I love to drive, but not when I am as high as I am. The feeling of someone watching or the thought of us getting caught for unsafe driving. But it is what must do to get the pleasures we want out of life. Driving thinking to myself, ‘do I look high driving? the other drivers look at me and say hey he looks Hella High" Just questions that run through my head. Sometimes I do not even care what people are thinking, it is not their life, it is mine and I choose how I am going to live it.

When we get to Lile’s spot, he has us park down the street or something. It is extremely dark, and I hate just sitting in the car in a dark neighborhood I do not even know. Looking suspicious, it may seem. I so hate waiting for people. He knew we were coming and should have had this already to go. But that never happens. These connections are on their schedule. So, I make up with a term for what the schedule time zone these connections are in. I prefer to just say Tweeter O'clock. Someone needs to take charge and change the dealer’s time clock settings. Because we were out here hustling, waiting for the package to arrive. Sometimes it can be 10 minutes, but that can easily turn into eight hours waiting for them.

As I am laughing out loud, I know I must look crazy.

Veronica looks at me       and laughs.

She asked with a smile on her face.

I’m curious to know what is making you laugh."

It was me who came up with the phrase Tweeker O’clock.

- I replied

Then we both just laughed.

Finally, we got what we came for. Now, I just want to get back to my apartment, so I can get high and enjoy my silence in peace. With no distractions. It is just me and Veronica, so when we smoke, it is extremely quiet. She gets sucked playing whatever game is popular on Facebook now. I am just listening to music and organizing my computer files. Something that would take hours for me to do. Feels like they are never in the order they need to, so it is extremely quiet when we smoke. Frustrating, my mind makes me go crazy when I cannot find what I need. This is how the rest of our night stays. As we smoke bowl and bowl before I drive her back home.

August 16, 2013

Working non-stop lately. It has just been busy. Overtime is worth it, especially with buying what I need to enjoy my time. Or more likely for me to do all this overtime at work. I rarely smoke while I am working, but now it is becoming a habit of mine. Having to get up at five am and work ten-to-twelve-hour shifts. Yes, you can say I used to help me push through the day.

Whatever helps, I do it. But I got it under control. I have a balance of eating, sleep, and a few bowls of dope as I go about to start my day. Although I enjoyed my job as a call center supervisor, there were times I just wanted to strangle the people I work with. Please use your common sense when managing these customers’ calls.

August 19, 2013

Woken up after finally getting some sleep I needed. My body really needed some sleep, some rest from being wake too many days in a row. What felt like twenty hours of sleep was only like two hours. Not a lot. Forcing myself to wake up.

Hearing the voices of tweekers say - get up, let us do some lines

Devon will give no one else some except for you."

So, wake up this voice is from a person who is feigning and cannot get high       until I get high first.

I am like so! LOL - let me sleep.

Damn, can I get some rest? - screamed!

I am – I say about getting crazy if they do not leave me alone.

Trying to rest so my mind and body cannot catch up to each other, or I can feel some peace of mind and feel sane. But most tweekers will do anything to get their daily fix. Even if means to wake me up. UGH! Especially when they are not paying for it. Damn sack chasers. Everyone should already know that if I am asleep, just like me, sleep. Because I really do not get that many as much as I really need.

Currently, my name job is driving around connects, taking them where they need to go and dropping off sacks to their clients. Usually, I only driver for one connect at a time because it can be too much to deal with two more connects. If that is the case, then ill would never sleep. As my eyes are still trying to adjust to the light and the noise everyone around me seems to make, I force myself to wake the fuck up and see what is so important that I need to be up. I grab my bag, keys, and empty pipe.

Thanks Devon -" I say sarcastically, without hesitation.

For what? – Devon replies, unsure of what I mean.

The empty pipe. – I say with so much frustration.

I was going to pack it for you. Just waited till you got up, but you got up so       quickly and wanted to jam out already, Devon replied.

Feel so irritated fueled with frustration of waking up and not when I wanted to just by the sounds of every tweeker just tweaking, on a very hour like its tweeker, O'clock. This would not be a wonderful day, just by the way it had already started. Off an apologetic note. And I am not even high yet. So much for dreaming and daydreaming. Tomorrow can be an after day for me. If anyone would give me the respect to sleep as much as I wish to. Tomorrow. I will have to tell Devon that I need tomorrow off. I need some rest and time for myself. I know he will agree, but then he will be the first to hit me up, asking for a ride.

Anyhow, my eyes are not even ready to be awake. Heaviness weights more than the sun seems to shine so brightly. So, a few slaps to my face and I waken myself up to get going. If I do not, Devon will be complaining, and I will never hear the end.

August 21, 2013

Last night was absolutely one for the records books. Never have I been in such a situation that could have cost me life, but my freedom, too. Devon was making some drops in a terrible neighborhood, and as I am sitting in my car waiting on him to hurry because this was supposed to be my last stop for him for the night. Then I could do my thing. Out of nowhere I hear a few gunshots, not sure where they were coming from so, I look all around me to see what is going on. And out of the darkest part of the neighborhood, here comes Devon running and yelling me and starts the car and go. As I rush myself to start the car, not knowing where to go, I started the car and just drive forward. Pulling away, I am still waiting for Devon to get in the car. Almost would have left him behind if his body were not halfway in already. One, two, Three or four more gunshots are fired towards me, and Devon is hanging halfway out the window shooting back.

Devon yells - get me out of here, take me to a safe spot.

I told him he could trust me, and I could take him to my safe house.

With a skeptical expression etched on his face, a deep sense of distrust seeping through every word, he abruptly instructs me to release him from the confines of the car, assuring his ability to locate a secure destination on his own. It became abundantly clear that my words, no matter how passionately spoken or thoughtfully chosen, would fall upon deaf ears, unable to sway his decision in the slightest.

Reluctantly, but accepting the inevitable, I comply with his demand, loosening my grip on the car door handle, granting him his freedom. Alas, my attempts to persuade or convince him were in vain, for he seemed resolute in his plan, unyielding to any counterarguments or reasoning I could summon. Thus, with a heavy heart and a myriad of thoughts whirling within, I resign myself to his chosen path, silently hoping that he finds the refuge he seeks, and, someday, a newfound trust in my intentions may emerge.

I tried calling him, no answer, so the next best thing is for me to go to his homies house, because that was the best, he would get a hold of them. Of course, he did. As I am pulling up, his homie started yelling and cursing me out "saying why did I leave Devon out on the streets. I am like NO! he jumped out if the car because he was feeling unsafe. I told them I would get him and to tell him to stay there. I will be right there.

As I was about to pull away, his homie stops me and walks up to the driver's window and fucken socks me in the face out of nowhere. I am like WTF! He yells at me to get Devon and I said, where do you think I was going right before you stopped me? He said I am lucky he does not beat my ass because I should have never left Devon out on the streets alone. If he knows how to shoot a gun, then he knows what he is doing. I will be chasing no one. Devon's homie made me feel some type of way about the whole situation. I said I was going to get him as I drove off.

As I was driving to go pick up Devon, I said after what his homie did. Fuck that, I would not pick his ass up. Hell no! And so, I did not. No second thought to change my mind, either. HE did what he did, and I am going to do what I must do. Get off these streets been driving around too much. And I did. Went to lie low at a friend spot and let whatever happens next just happen.

August 22, 2013

It seems like things may be getting out of line with my controlled habit. Using it a lot more than I have before. It was like I was living a perfect life with this addiction. Had a respectable job which I loved. Have an apartment with no roommates. I own a used car I paid for all on my own. And the party life of drugs and fun when I was not working so much. Everything for me seems to go great. Now the use of these drugs has been pushing me to do a lot more because I am doing more. Feeding the addiction is taking a toll it feels like. It wants to take control of my life. Will I let it, or do I have the power to take back control and say NO when I want to say YES?

Being overworked and under-strength does not go hand in hand. Stopped eating a lot because there was not enough time for that. It seems like my time was better off doing things that need to be done. The less I ate and drank, that means less time spent in the bathroom. But feel weak and I realized I should be eating and drinking regularly to keep my strength up. Hate it when I smoke more than I should. It feels like it is a waste of smoke. Funny how it was the opposite. But I can eat and smoke and combine them since they both give me the energy I need. I guess I will have to try it.

August 25, 2013

The sound of car horns combined with this wet sticky feeling of sweat all over my body, from this heat that makes it all meth sweat draining from my pours. My heart is pounding heavy giving me a scared panic. Waking up to a parking lot filled with cars and the bright lights of the casino sign. Waking up like it is the substitute for the sun. Looks like I passed out waiting for Pete, one of my clients, to get out of the casino. I usually would go back into town, but instead of wasting gas, I chilled in the car since he said he would not take long. Yes, right? Should of knew better. Saves me some money for gas, though.

My friend Mario was still asleep in the back seat. I am glad I did not come alone. Well, what difference does it make sense? I am sitting here alone writing in this journal of what my life is like. Even though someone is here sleeping, I still feel alone, like I always do. Distance between me and everyone around me, I am alone in this little world I placed my life into. Well, I could be lost in my head, which is a nightmare not ready for reality.

I ponder a lot about myself and think about how I let myself become what I am now. That is my life. My fault, my choices, my addiction, and no one else is to blame. Every day seems to be an uphill or downhill weight dragging me here or there. Although at the same time the only thing I am trying to be go straight up to the top, where I know I should be. I do not think I was supposed to ever get this high as I am and feel right now. My mind is on top while my body is still far behind.

The high of my life I see myself in a better prospective high than I am in now. Knowing that things need to change, but how can I count on others to help me change? It is not their responsibility to help me change. I know I have got to do it all on my own. So, I just need to face myself and force myself to change and remove myself from these evil ways that I am drowning too. And if I can do that slowly but surely, I can get my life back on track to where it needs to be.

August 27, 2013

Feeling alone.

Depression feels like it is taking over.

I ask myself – Is depression something I must go through if I continue these       street drugs.

Why do I keep doing this.

Repeatedly like a cycle that will never end.

What am I supposed to do.

When all I want to do is slow down. I enjoy doing drugs, but I do not want to obliterate from them my life. My mind says one thing, my heart says another, and the voice inside tells me nothing. Nothing is exactly what I am right now. But am I nothing I feel to have it all and thrive on a life in I wanted for myself? Friends and family see how my life is and respect me a bit more. But only if they knew I was using drugs. Well, you know what they say; they do not ask, I will not tell. Keeping everything separated is a battle. Feels more like living a lie. Living a double life to be the good one and the bad one.

The angel and devil on my shoulder fight against each other to see which one will win. The battle is just a test, but the war is the judgment we all must face when it is our time. War is this addiction I choose to fight with and sometimes I just want to throw in the white towel and give up. But I am not a quitter. Push through it all. Face the long days ahead, and I can see work the work I put in to be a better me. Something will happen, it just will not happen overnight.

August 30, 2013

Waking up late for work is not me at all. Rushing myself to get dressed and had no time to smoke before I headed out the door. Two hours late for work, I cannot believe I fell asleep. Smoked out, I pass, so it is extremely quiet when we smoked, not such a bright idea since I am supposed to be paying attention to who would be driving in front of me.

Slamming on the brakes, as I did not see that Mercedes hit its brakes. Damn it, I dropped my pipe. No time to find it, so I just keep driving. Pulling into the parking lot, I park and the next thing I hear is breaking glass. I just stepped on my glass pipe. WTF!!! No time, so I just rush into work as if I am not the one late.

August 31, 2013

Picked up Veronica and now we headed to Liles to pick up a sack. It is late in the evening, and he does not answer, so we just showed up, anyway. Sometimes it is disrespectful to just show up without calling. Hate to be surprised by anyone. But he was there, and we got what we wanted. Then now we head to my place and our friend Mack should be waiting for us. I love to drive, but not when I am as high as I have not seen him in forever. The three of us met at the dance club years prior. Drinking and dancing the night away was the way we spent our time. How time flies when you are young and having too much fun. We smoked too but was not time to smoke out now.

We do not drink anymore, but smoking is the trill of the night. Talking bullshit with each other and trying not to be so serious. One that cannot take it as a joke. But it was funny. Making clouds is the drink we no longer smoke. Funny as that metaphor sounds reading it back to me. Get it, that is all that matters.

Wake Up, Wake Up

Wake up, wake up, I hear the voice in my head keep telling me it is time to wake up. As I try to open my eyes, it seems dark without a single light in sight. Eyes feel like they are shut closed, unable to see clearly. These eyes lids feel heavy, like they are covered with layers and layers of plaster weighing heavy on my face. A weight of all I pushed away suddenly put on my face. Twitching of the eyes, like shutting lights on and off repeatedly. The right eye keeps blinking to find a focus on being able to see correctly. The left eye still tries to open.

Why am I feeling like this? - I asked myself

Once my eyes gain focus, I feel unaware of where I am. Like, what the fuck?

Unknowing my where bouts is a scary thought of its own. How I got here is another thought of my unknowing. Could be in another state for all I knew. I did not know the surroundings I woke up in. Just hope it is not for me. I hope to see and recognize where I am. Hate these moments of waking up with this amnesia feeling. Scary feelings, untouched emotions of unexpressed feelings. It could be the worst thought anyone could go through when waking up in an uncertain place. Trying with all my might to pull myself together to figure out who I am, where I am at, and who knows where I am. How did I get here is the other question. Well, I woke up in my car, so I know how I got here.

Now the question is still, when?

Questions keep repeating through my mind.

Wake up, wake up – I softly speak out loud to get myself up.

Trying to get up, don’t you see me – I say out loud like someone is       physically there next to me.

Woke up alone. This is bringing to be a bigger struggle than I figured it would be. Finding the strength to get up and not possible now. No energy, no strength, and no one to get me up. Oh, no! Hate me right now.

How could I let myself feel this way?

The motions of my actions are not clear to me, but even though I know the answer, I want to push the blame on someone else. Not taking responsibility for this situation. But in my mind, I know it is all my fault, not anyone else’s. Once I feel wide awake from a long senseless undreamed sleep. Trying to remember how I crashed out and when I did. It is such a blurry image I see. A blackout moment is what it is.

As I am lying in the back seat of my car, my eyes are finally awake. I feel the heat rising on my face. It must be summer still because it only can get this hot this early in the morning. It is so damn hot. Why so hot? Sweating. Sweating heavy bullets are falling down my forehead to my sucked-in cheeks. So hot it feels like I am in the desert somewhere. Have not been there in a long time though. If so, I might not be found if I am lost.

As I still lay down in the back seat, refusing to get the strength to get up. I open my ears to listen for any sounds that can help me figure out where I am. I try to hear any traffic or noise that would show my location. I am deaf now; I hear nothing.

Why hear nothing out of my windows?

I just feel the heat from the damn sun. And that voice in my head that keeps telling me to wake up, wake up. I attempt to pull myself up. I feel weak that every muscle in my body has escaped to another place within my brittle bones, which is far from where I want them to be. I am so all out of sorts. I think this could be the last day of my life, or is it the end of me already? If it is, then I missed my chances to save myself. Being so far gone that I might not recover from this. How could I have done this to myself, the damage it has caused affected my life in a world of world’s way? It feels that my life might be so unrepairable.

Uh-oh! My life is over. Is it over for me now? Have I pushed myself so far from everything that I am in a phase of being stuck in between the worlds of heaven and hell? Lost the battle with myself, but will I gain the power within me to win the war? Get up and fight, fight to the very end. Fighting to stay alive and to win the freedom to stay alive.

Do I even want to anymore? – I asked myself.

I feel lonely here. I know I need to get up.

Who knows where who I am?

Is there anyone out there looking for me?

But I bet no one even knows that I am lost, completely gone. I bet they do not even care. But why would they?

But just look at what I have done to