Craving Identity: Removing the Mask of Normalcy

By Joshua M. Young

"Craving Identity"offers a deep, heart-wrenching dive into the complex tapestry of human resilience, struggle, and the indomitable quest for self-identity. Through the riveting narrative of Joshua, a person whose life has been profoundly marred by the shadows of childhood sexual abuse, this book unfolds the painful yet empowering journey towards recovery, self-compassion, and ultimately, self-realization. Joshua's story is not just one of survival; it is a beacon of hope, shedding light on the darkest corners of human experience to reveal the luminous potential for transformation and healing that lies within us all.
From the very beginning, "Craving Identity" distinguishes itself through its unique approach to storytelling. Each chapter opens and concludes with a compelling story that resonates with the core themes discussed, employing storytelling as a powerful conduit for conveying profound truths and insights. These narratives serve as both a mirror and a window, reflecting the universal quest for identity and offering a glimpse into the myriad ways our experiences shape who we are.
The book delves into the relentless grip of alcoholism, the insidious creep of depression, and the haunting specter of suicidal ideation that Joshua faces. Yet, it is also an honest account of the courage it takes to confront these demons, to peel away the layers of pretense, and to embrace one's true self with compassion and love. It is about the journey of shedding the mask of normalcy that Joshua wore for so long, skillfully masking the turmoil that churned beneath the surface.
As readers traverse the chapters of Joshua's life, they are invited on a journey that is both personal and universal. "Craving Identity" explores the nuanced dynamics of trauma, the complex paths to recovery, and the intricate process of self-discovery. It challenges the stigma surrounding mental health and addiction, offering instead a narrative rich in empathy, understanding, and acceptance.
This book is a roadmap to healing, offering practical insights and strategies for those on their own path to self-discovery. Through Joshua's journey, readers learn the importance of self-compassion, the power of vulnerability, and the necessity of embracing one's past to forge a future of authenticity and purpose.
"Craving Identity" is a testament to the transformative power of confronting one's past. It demonstrates how, through the process of healing, one can uncover the authentic self that lies beneath the scars of trauma. This journey is not easy, nor is it linear. It is fraught with setbacks and challenges, but it is also marked by moments of profound insight and beauty.
Joshua's narrative is a reminder that the pursuit of self-identity is not about erasing our past but about integrating our experiences to build a stronger, more authentic self. It is a process of reclamation, where each step taken towards understanding and acceptance illuminates the path to recovery.
For anyone grappling with their past, struggling with their identity, or simply seeking a deeper understanding of the human spirit, "Craving Identity" offers a powerful, raw, and ultimately uplifting narrative. It is a book that promises to touch the hearts of readers, inspiring courage, hope, and the determination to embark on their own journey of self-discovery.
In "Craving Identity," readers will find not just a story, but a companion for their own journey. It invites us to reflect on our own stories, to embrace our vulnerabilities, and to seek out our true selves with an open heart. This book is a call to action—a call to step out of the shadows, to shed the masks we wear, and to live with authenticity and purpose.
Join Joshua on this transformative journey, and discover the power of storytelling to heal, to inspire, and to reveal the true essence of who we are. "Craving Identity" is a journey that promises to leave you changed, with a deeper understanding of yourself and resilience of the human spirit.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Mar 20, 2024
• ISBN: 9798350952155

Joshua M. Young

Joshua Young is a dedicated writer and public speaker in the recovery and mental health space. He passionately serves as a board member for Recovery Advocate Network, a non-profit addressing the disparity in mental health resources and focuses on aiding those with mental health disorders, processing disorders, substance abuse, trauma healing, and sexual identity challenges. Discover more about his impactful journey at joshuamyoung.com.

Book preview

INTRODUCTION – MY STORY

Who am I? Well, I’m still working on that, because I don’t believe I even know for myself as I begin to write this book. For the most part, I think I was that guy that everyone got along with (a people-pleaser); I had very few opinions of my own, went along with the crowd, and frankly, I just tried to make everyone around me feel at ease. Growing up as a victim of sexual abuse from the age of mid-13 through the age of 14, I began to always hide my emotions and try to act normal, but what defines normal?

I am going to spend one year writing this book…starting with this introduction, and over this next year, I am going to embark on a journey to understand who I am, research the identities I’ve formed over the years, what I stand for, and do my very best to learn to better love myself and find self-worth. I have forgiven myself for my past mistakes, and I have internally forgiven those who have wronged me, which has been quite liberating. This introduction is for you as much as it is for me. I want to point out my flaws, how people see me, and more importantly, how I see myself.

I’ve dealt with a lot of stuff over the past four decades, which I address in my first book, Craving Recovery, but one question still exists: who am I? I hear lots of terms that I can identify with; liar, victim, survivor, depressed, suicidal, alcoholic, and so on, but is that my identity? There must be more to me than just a handful of off-putting labels. Yes, I’m a good husband (now) and a good father, but spending so many years lying and creating a false reality has really contributed to not knowing who I am. This is the point when I ask myself, at my age, do I really need or care to know?

Knowing oneself is critical to existing and wanting to leave behind a positive and reflective memory; more importantly, having a true identity can give me a better sense of belonging and strengthen my character. As I grew up, I felt like no one understood me, and I have since sought out opportunities to explore who I am and what I stand for. I’m taking on extracurricular activities, making new friends, and connecting with people unlike me. Through this process, I’m realizing what shaped my values and identity. I’m learning to be honest with myself and accept my flaws. I’m studying different cultures, and I see the beauty in diversity. I’m finding purpose and belonging in things I care about. I’m learning so much beyond anyone’s expectations. My identity is an ongoing journey. It’s up to me to push the boundaries and create my own future.

Identities are not independent of each other and can’t simply be addressed on an as needed basis. They crawl into every orifice of our body and intertwine with our other identities malignantly. The current versions of ourselves would come crashing down if it were not for each of these identities so beautifully depending upon one another to build our personality and identity structure. Not only is this important for us to recognize, embrace, and share for our own happiness, but it’s absolutely critical to do if we want to model self-love, self-worth, empathy, and acceptance, many of whom are delicately forming their identities and a sense of self-love in the process.

I’ve always felt like a jigsaw puzzle with missing pieces, like there’s a part of me hidden in the shadows, waiting to be discovered. It’s this sense of longing, the desire to find my true identity that has fueled my journey of self-discovery.

So, for this year-long journey, I need to acknowledge that for as long as I can remember, I’ve worn different masks, playing various roles to fit in or meet the expectations of those around me, but I lost sight of who I was underneath all those layers. The turning point for me arrived not too long ago and came during a moment of quiet reflection. I looked in the mirror, but the reflection staring back at me felt unfamiliar. It was as though I had been living someone else’s life, following a script that wasn’t my own. I realized that I needed to embark on this journey to reclaim my true self.

I’ve spent most of my life hiding behind masks, each one carefully crafted to conceal the pain, shame, and confusion that lay beneath the surface. It’s been a journey filled with darkness, one marked by sexual abuse, depression, suicidal thoughts and attempts, addiction, deceit, and a chronic habit of procrastination. But now, I stand at a crossroads, determined to peel away these layers and discover my true identity.

My journey begins with the haunting memories of my early teens when I was subjected to sexual abuse by a man I had trusted—a relentless storm that left me emotionally broken. It was in those early years that I first learned to hide my true self. I wore a mask of stoicism, pretending that nothing fazed me and that I was invincible. But inside, the wounds festered, and the pain became a constant companion.

As I entered my late teens, the weight of my past began to crush me. Sexual abuse had taken its toll, and I found myself sinking into the abyss of depression. I withdrew from friends and family, retreating into the darkness of my own mind. Every day was a battle against the suffocating despair that threatened to consume me. In this state of emotional turmoil, my true identity remained obscured, buried beneath layers of self-loathing.

In my late 20s into my 30s, I turned to passive, then active, suicidal ideation. The pain that I was quietly suffering from was too much, and the only way out for me at the time was to think of ways to kill myself. Eventually, I attempted to end my life on a few occasions when the final fuses were lit.

Later in life, desperate for an escape from the relentless pain, I turned to alcohol. It became my refuge, a deceptive friend who promised solace but delivered only temporary relief. With each drink, I wore a different mask—that of the carefree partygoer, the confident extrovert, or the life of the gathering. But these masks were mere illusions, hiding the reality of my addiction and the lies I told myself and others to justify it.

Lying became second nature to me. I wove intricate webs of deceit to protect my addiction and preserve the image I had crafted for the world. I lied about my drinking, my feelings, and even my past. The lies grew like cancer, entangling me in a web of my own making. They pushed me further from my true identity, creating a chasm between who I appeared to be and who I really was.

Procrastination was yet another mask I wore. It was a defense mechanism, a way to avoid facing the painful truths of my life. I would put off important tasks, burying my head in the sand, hoping that by avoiding them, I could avoid the reality of my situation. But in doing so, I only added to my self-imposed burdens, further obscuring the path to self-discovery.

At the end of my year-long journey to find my true identity, I’m hoping it will be a transformative odyssey. It will require me to completely confront my past, embrace vulnerability, and let go of the masks that have hidden my authentic self for so long. It will be a journey marked by pain, but also one filled with hope, growth, and the ultimate unveiling of the real me.

Side note: In my day job, I do a lot of coaching, and to get a point across to my audience, I tell stories. I hear from a lot of people that my storytelling keeps them engaged in the conversation. When I talk to my team at work about how they speak to groups of people, I tell them this: Imagine you’re in a conference room, and the speaker is in front of you with a PowerPoint presentation, bombarding you with buzzwords, facts, and numbers. They’re supposed to make sense, but as the next stale slide plays, you realize that you’ve already forgotten the last. A bunch of those details are probably at the back of your head, but you can’t seem to remember them until a few minutes later. Now think about the last story you read. A week later, a friend asked you to summarize it, and you found yourself recalling the story with ease. The sequence, the character names, perhaps even some small details you’d otherwise forget elsewhere, you remembered.

This disparity is because stories are far more memorable than other data points. Stories appeal to our senses and our emotions, not only drawing our attention more easily but also leaving an impact on us as audiences. This makes storytelling powerful for delivering any message. If you deliver a story right, as evidenced throughout history, it might last a lifetime. I will begin and end each chapter in the book with a short story, and although many of the characters and situations are fictional, the point of the story may very well ring true for you. Enjoy, and I’ll see you at the end!

CHAPTER 1

WHAT IS IDENTITY?

When I discover who I am, I’ll be free.

– Ralph Ellison

Beginning of Story: When Jen was a child, she grew up in a loving but often chaotic household. She was the youngest of three siblings, each with their own distinct personalities and quirks. As Jen navigated her formative years, she couldn’t help but feel like a square peg trying to fit into a round hole, which didn’t quite fit.

The pressure to conform to societal expectations and family dynamics shaped Jen’s early sense of identity. She became skilled at wearing different masks, adapting to the expectations of others, and burying her true self beneath layers of conformity.

As Jen entered adolescence, the quest for approval and acceptance became a driving force in her life. She pursued academic success, excelling in school to gain recognition from her parents and teachers. She joined clubs and organizations, seeking validation through her achievements.

However, the pursuit of external validation came at a cost. Jen’s identity became entangled with the need for approval, and she often felt like she was living a life that wasn’t authentically hers. The constant pressure to meet others’ expectations left her feeling disconnected from her true self.

Jen’s identity crisis reached a breaking point in her early twenties. She had followed the path laid out for her—graduated from a prestigious college, secured a well-paying job, and built a seemingly successful life. However, the reflection she saw in the mirror felt empty and unfulfilled.

She realized that the identity she had constructed was a facade, a collection of roles and expectations that didn’t align with her innermost desires and values. It was as if she had been living someone else’s life, and the dissonance between her true self and her outward identity became unbearable.

Jen’s journey of self-discovery began with introspection. She started to question the beliefs and values that had shaped her identity for so long. What did she truly value? What were her passions and dreams? Who was she beneath the layers of external expectations?

Therapy became a crucial tool for Jen’s self-exploration. With the guidance of a skilled therapist, she began to unpack the layers of conditioning and societal pressure that had influenced her sense of identity. She learned to identify and challenge the negative beliefs that held her back.

As Jen peeled back the layers of her false identity, she discovered aspects of herself that had long been suppressed. She rekindled her love for painting, which she had abandoned in pursuit of other people’s approval. She explored new hobbies, rekindled old friendships, and started setting boundaries that honored her true self.

Embracing authenticity also meant confronting fears and insecurities. Jen realized that the journey of self-discovery was not always comfortable. It required her to confront the possibility of rejection and disappointment, but it also offered the potential for genuine connection and fulfillment.

Jen’s journey of self-discovery led her to a profound realization: vulnerability was the key to forging authentic connections with others. She began to open up and share her true self with trusted friends and loved ones, allowing herself to be seen and accepted for who she truly was.

These authentic connections were deeply fulfilling and allowed Jen to experience a sense of belonging and acceptance she had never known. She learned that her true identity was not something to be hidden or disguised, but something to be celebrated and shared.

The culmination of Jen’s journey came when she stood before a metaphorical mirror and saw her true self reflected back at her. The image was no longer distorted by the expectations of others or the weight of external validation. It was a portrait of authenticity, self-acceptance, and self-love.

Jen had unveiled her true identity, and in doing so, she had discovered her purpose in life. She pursued a career that aligned with her passions and values, surrounded herself with people who celebrated her authenticity, and embraced the ever-evolving nature of her identity.

Jen understands that identity is not a static concept but a dynamic, ever-changing aspect of who she is. She continues to explore her passions, challenge her beliefs, and welcome new experiences that shape her sense of self.

Jen’s story is a testament to the transformative power of self-discovery and the importance of embracing one’s authentic identity. Her journey from a life defined by external expectations to one marked by authenticity and self-acceptance serves as an inspiration to anyone on a similar path. Identity is not something to be imposed by others or constructed to fit societal norms. It is a deeply personal and ever-evolving journey of self-discovery. Jen’s story reminds us that by peeling away the layers of conditioning and external validation, we can uncover our true selves and find the fulfillment and happiness that come from living an authentic life…End of Story.

Realistically speaking, a person’s identity is who they really are. A law enforcement detective may aim to determine the identity of a suspected criminal - specifically who that person is, like their real name, place of birth, employment, family history, and so on. A case of mistaken identity involves someone being mistaken for someone they are not. There is often no question about who a person is (name, place of birth, etc.), but the concept of your identity is complex and can involve all kinds of experiences, characteristics, interests, qualities, and other aspects that make you distinct from anyone else.

My individual identity is influenced by the norms, values, and environment in which I find myself as I build a personal identity, as well as a social one. My personal identity is swayed by the groups that I belong to, and I can be branded by my self-definition and the group’s distinct norms. My social identity is often influenced by the membership that I have with different groups; the identity connected to a particular group takes on the viewpoints and actions shared by it. My identity in the social space can also be transformed into a collectively or culturally defined private world to better fit my personal experience. Thus, my personal identity can be culturally defined and influenced by my developed social identity.

As children, we begin to develop a self-concept, yet we are very dependent on our core family for our emotional and physical needs. At this stage of development, our interactions with our family or caretakers play such an important role in our identity formation. It is important to note that any traumatizing experiences can certainly upset said formation and have long-lasting effects. As we begin to grow up and enter adolescence, we find that our values begin to show up in relationships with friends, family, and specifically ourselves as individuals as we start to become more independent and form our own goals and objectives. The jokes and stories about dealing with teenagers are true, as they will be moody, challenge authority, and take risks as they try to figure out who they are. As we enter adulthood, our identity becomes more fluid as we experience life and shape and form our ever-evolving identity.

I think we can safely assume that all human beings will wrestle with their identity at some point in their lives. Even the people who seem to always know exactly who they are have had to weather storms and life transitions. As with most people, my identity has evolved along with major changes in my life. For example, how I defined myself as a 13-year-old is much different from how I defined myself as a 30-something, and certainly different now in my early 50s. But I can tell you, I no longer define myself as I did when I was a teenager.

As humans and social beings, we’ve learned how to identify ourselves in a number of ways. We do this in part to give others a shortcut — a way to place and understand us. But we also do it to try to make sense of ourselves. Like me, some people tie their identities closely to their work, career, or history. Other people tie their identities to their families, relationships, or parenthood. And still, others tie their identities to their passions, hobbies, and dreams. But life doesn’t often play well with the best-laid plans. So, when life throws you for a loop, as it did in my case, it can put your identity on the line. When an identity crisis strikes, it’s only natural to wrestle with it. It can be rattling and upsetting. But it can also bring an entirely new chapter to your life, good or bad, depending, of course, on how you handle it.

As I look back on the darkest days of my addiction and identity crisis, I can’t help but feel a profound sense of gratitude. It was through those struggles that I found the strength to rebuild my life, and I now begin to discover my true identity. And for that, I am forever grateful.

Leading up to my darkest days and with each passing day, I could feel my true self slipping away, replaced by a hollowed-out version of who I used to be. My passions and hobbies were abandoned, replaced by the relentless pursuit of the next drink. The things that once brought me joy seemed like distant memories, and I couldn’t even remember who I was before alcohol took control.

The lies began to pile up, creating a web of deception that ensnared me. I lied about how much I was drinking, about the reasons behind my erratic behavior, and about the consequences that were slowly creeping into my life. The truth was that alcohol had become my crutch, my escape from the mounting pressures and anxieties that I couldn’t face head-on.

I even lied about who I was becoming. I had always prided myself on my values and integrity, but those were slipping away, replaced by someone I didn’t recognize. The more I drank, the further I drifted from my true self.

When I exited rehab and as I continued down the path of recovery, I was beginning to understand my true self. I’m finding joy in simple pleasures, reconnecting with my values and passions, and embracing the authenticity that has been buried beneath layers of lies for so long. Rebuilding my identity was like putting together a shattered mosaic, piece by fragile piece. I’m having to rediscover who I was without the crutch of alcohol, and it is a process filled with uncertainty and self-doubt. But I am determined to find my way back to my true self.

This isn’t an easy journey, and I know that I will always carry the scars of my past. But those scars are a reminder of the strength I have found within myself and the importance of living in truth. My identity crisis, as it seems, is a wake-up call, a painful but necessary journey back to the person I was meant to be.

Your identity crisis, regardless of your age, might not be obvious to you. You will likely know that something is off, different, and uncomfortable for you. Yet, if you aren’t a mental health professional, you might not know what is happening to you. So, the question that I wondered, and many others do, is: How do you know if you’re having an identity crisis?

One of the many identity crisis warning signs is being increasingly inquisitive about the attributes of yourself that make you who you are. As an example, you may begin to question your basic character. "Am I a nice person? Am I a smart person? Am I an honest