If Not You, Then Who?: Build From Your Mistakes, Heal Your Inner Child and Harness Your Power

By Jnyee Jackson

Throughout life's growing pains and changing seasons, you have the opportunity to turn your wounds into wisdom, your pain into purpose, and transform your lessons into your greatest blessings. 

• Language: English
• Publisher: SHEVisionary Press
• Release date: Jan 12, 2024
• ISBN: 9798218334666

Jnyee Jackson

Jnyee Jackson is an American self-help author, inspirational leader, businesswoman, and blogger. Founder of The Female Visionary, she has made a lasting impact by inspiring women globally through her relatable narratives. Jackson, through the sharing of her personal stories, empowers women to uncover their voices, tap into their inner strength, and embark on a transformative journey of self-healing. Her influence is evident in the profound stories, experiences, and wisdom she generously imparts to others. If Not You, Then Who serves as her debut self-help memoir, laying the foundation for an empowering series to reach women worldwide. Stay updated with the author by visiting her website at www.jnyeejackson.com

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First published in the US in 2023

Text copyright © 2023 Ja’najai Jackson

The right of Ja’najai Jackson to be identified

as the author of this work has been asserted

by her in accordance with the Copyright,

Designs & Patents Act 1988.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise without permission in writing from Ja’najai Jackson.

Editors: Paris Norman and Grace Waite

Book design: Adam Hay Studio, UK

Hardback

ISBN: 979-8-218-33465-9

Paperback

ISBN: 979-8-218-33740-7

eBook

ISBN: 979-8-218-33466-6

Contents

Prologue 8

I. The Season of Building Character 14

Chapter 1

Dear Younger Self 16

Chapter 2

Overcoming Childhood Trauma 21

Chapter 3

Learn from Your Pain, Forgive your 38

Regrets, and Use your Lessons

II. The Season of Healing 60

Chapter 4

Are You Okay? 62

Chapter 5

Stop Being So Hard on Yourself 76

III. The Season of Mastering Self 94

Chapter 6

Take The Risk. You Only Live This Life Once! 96

IV. The Season of You 110

Chapter 7

The Secret is You 112

Chapter 8

Healing your Inner Child 130

Chapter 9

Your Purpose is Bigger Than 166

What Your Eyes Can See

Chapter 10

Don’t Take a Day Off on You 181

V. The Season of Transformation 198

Chapter 1 1

Your Transformation Requires a Story 200

Chapter 12

Stop Caring about what You Think 213

Chapter 13

You Are Becoming! 226

Chapter 14

The Art of Being You 239

Chapter 15

Congratulations! 253

PROLOGUE

Sometimes, I wonder if our lives are chewed-up pieces that we’re trying to fit back together after the world has gotten its hands on it. Every day, I wake up searching for purpose, fulfillment, and happiness. Purpose in my life, fulfillment in my spirit, and happiness that lingers and soaks into my skin like cocoa butter. Sometimes we blame ourselves for our trauma, pain, and worries. We sit in a pool of sorrow and emptiness, searching for fulfillment in a hollow world. The more we search for things on the outside, the less able we are to reach the parts of us that are on the inside, our core.

The world has a crazy way of chewing you up, spitting you out, and expecting you to make a life out of the broken pieces. A wise person once said, "In order for a great to be great, they first have to find greatness in themselves." I am that wise person who spoke those exact words to myself. I didn’t think it was possible that a person who excels at almost everything could be blinded to their greatness. I started to question my entire life and whether or not I was great enough to deserve this thing called life. Life can become so busy that your mind goes blank, your emotions fade, and your life’s vision becomes foggy. It’s kind of like sitting in a room that’s empty. Most of us have become so accustomed to the busy-life that performing on autopilot has become our norm. We forget that there are opportunities in empty rooms and spaces. Allow yourself to be empty for a bit, that is when God, your creator, the most high, can speak to you. You can clearly interpret your inner voice in the empty space, without the everyday distractions that may steer you away from your core.

Practice adding punctuation into the empty spaces of your life. Punctuation isn’t just a part of the process of writing, punctuation can also relate to your life. Sometimes you may need to add a period to the end of a season or chapter of your life before you can continue to the next. Sometimes you may have to add a comma, to take a pause and deep breathe, and continue on your journey. That empty space is like a comma, you need a moment to breathe and gather yourself so that you can continue correctly. Even in the process of writing, there are a lot of opportunities for punctuation errors, sometimes you may not know where to place it to make it correct, but you do it anyway in hopes that it works out. If not, you just go back to fix it. You can only do what you know best, don’t be afraid to add punctuation into your life as needed, even if you have to do it incorrectly.

Life makes you work; it throws you lemons and expects you to make lemonade.

Be mindful that a season is temporary, not permanent. There are different seasons to life and every season has a different purpose attached to it. Whether you’re prepared or unprepared for your next season, the purpose it holds is a part of your making process. It is a part of what God has intended for you to reach your destiny. It’s easy to get lost in the midst of the seasons, they are constantly changing, but trust that the purpose of each will guide you. New seasons or chapters of your life don’t always come labeled or wrapped in a big red bow for you to understand what may be happening to you. I struggled to know when or how to start a new season and I felt like the world was sitting on my shoulders.

I wanted to complete everything at once and fretted over how I could accomplish that. Eventually, I had to understand that my why was much more important than my how. We get so stuck on the how. How do we get there? How will the future be? How can we make it attainable? We become so hyper-fixated that we soon lose touch with our "why." The main purpose of your life is determined by your why which can lead you to your purpose. Think about why you’re doing what you’re doing today. Why is it so important to you? As you determine your why, that will help lead you towards your purpose and destiny. We sometimes forget that as long as we understand our "why we will always know the how. It’s just like asking a parent why they take care of their child? Why do they support their child? I am pretty sure their answer would most likely be, I am their parent and that is what I am supposed to do. Their how is implied because they know everything that they do is for their child. The how" comes naturally in that scenario.

I would spend time contemplating and mapping out different scenarios of how I wanted my life to look or feel and would even speculate about if it was attainable, reachable, or realistic. What I came to learn is that anything in this world is attainable, reachable, or realistic as long as you work for it. You control your reality, as bizarre as it sounds, you can change it as many times as you would like by focusing on your present moment. You can’t change the past because the past has already served its purpose, but you can change your present to influence your future. Most of us wish that we could have the opportunity to go back in time to change the trajectory of certain situations or outcomes, but unfortunately, that is out of our control. You cannot change the past, you can only heal, grow, and learn, and then you must move forward. Yesterday is now in the past and today will eventually belong to the past. You have power in your now. "Don’t put off until tomorrow, what you can do today," is a famous quote by Benjamin Franklin. We all naturally hold ourselves back in some way, shape or form, whether knowingly or unknowingly. It may be the result of fear, a lack of self-awareness, or even unhealed trauma. It can lead us to procrastinate or sometimes overprotect ourselves from making mistakes and taking risks, which can hinder our growth.

Have you ever reached a point in your life that makes you question your strength and ability to move forward? Maybe it was a heartbreak, a failed plan, the sudden passing of a loved one, or a mid-life crisis! I think we’ve all reached that point in our lives that makes us question, what now? Do I have what it takes? Am I stuck here forever? I am going to be honest; your twenties are filled with a lot of ups and downs. You may think you have everything figured out, only to later realize you only know a sliver of what you thought you knew. It is a mess, but it is a mess that will lead you to the very place you were supposed to be. The best advice that I can give you today is, to do it now while you can. Tomorrow isn’t promised so, why not start now? Don’t be afraid of doing the work because doing the work is the only thing that will bring you results. If you do the work within yourself, you will attain the results. If you do the work towards building a stronger relationship with your loved ones, God, and with yourself, you will see results. If you become afraid to do the work, then in hindsight you have become afraid of receiving the results that you constantly daydream about throughout the day and night. You can choose to heal today, grow from where you are and start over as many times as you may need to.

It all starts with you. All versions of your past self make up who you are today. No one else can walk your path, this path was chosen for you. Sometimes we may feel like we want to give up, but if we give up then our purpose has gone to waste. You have to do the work. The work consists of healing, forgiving, building, investing and meeting yourself where you may be. Becoming planted to where you are, so that you can have the space, foundation and strength to grow. Doing the work isn’t easy, neither is staying the same. You have to maintain where you are in order to remain there. If you are unhappy, you are holding onto something that is helping you maintain the unhappy space that you may have entered. Same as if you are happy, you have to maintain that space of happiness. It all starts with you breaking unhealthy cycles and habits, removing limiting thoughts and beliefs, and transforming the person that you thought you were meant to be into the person you were made to become.

I am going to be honest, I was the queen of overthinking. I would overthink myself into situations and out of situations. I would try to perfect everything in my mind before taking action and that would hold me back in so many ways. I would look back and realize that I spent more time overthinking and self-medicating rather than just taking a step back, re-analyzing and moving forward. Doing the work is not linear, you may even feel a bit delusional in the midst of it, but I promise, it will be worth it. Would you believe me if I told you that everything you may be feeling is normal? That feeling of being all over the place, the feeling of not being where you used to be, but not where you want to be either, so you feel a bit in-between. Even the random cries you may have throughout your day, it’s all normal. You are human. Life is hard and can get uncomfortable, but if you promise to do the work then you have promised yourself to transform and transcend, into a bigger, better version of yourself. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being confused and figuring it out. That is what life is all about, figuring it out! You may never truly have it fully figured out, not even ten years from now, but if you do the work you will be much further than where you are and much more proud of yourself when you take the time to reflect as you move forward.

This book is truly from my heart, from places of pain that I’ve hidden from myself and others for protection. This book is from someone who believes in you and would love to share their inner wisdom and personal experiences that have helped shape them into who they are today, in the hopes it will help motivate and inspire you to do the same. I know that if you’re reading this, you are in a season of your life where you are choosing yourself, by changing, healing, and being unapologetic. I am proud of you, and I hope that sharing my seasons or chapters in life will let you know that you are not alone. You have never been alone, there is always someone in the world going through something similar to what you may have experienced. Some of us have the courage to speak up, while some of us suffer in silence. I want to remind you that you no longer have to suffer in silence, there is power in who you are, there is power in your strength, perseverance, voice, tears, and pain. There is power deep inside of you, and I want to help you find it, pull it out of you, and teach you how to use it to your greatest advantage.

You’ve accomplished too much to give up. I know that you’re tired, but I promise it gets easier. You can conquer what you’re meant to do or be in this world because if not you, then who?

I

The Season of Building Character

Chapter 1

Dear, Younger Self

Remember, where it starts is not always where it ends. You must learn how to enjoy every step of the process, feel it and understand it. This is a part of your make up within your existence

First, I would like to say that I truly apologize for all of the things that will happen to you. I want you to transition your mindset to perceive it not as something that is happening to you, but rather for you. You may not see it yet, but you’re going to be very thankful for the lessons you’ll learn in life. You will hear this saying, Everything happens for a reason and you will see just how true that is.

You’re a genius in your own way, you’re bold, you’re fearless, you’re beautiful, you have a heart of gold, and you’re intellectually capable of anything that you put your mind to. Your emotional sensitivity will be something that will be of benefit to you once you understand how to use it to your advantage. Sensitivity is a gift, you’re able to be emotionally connected to yourself and understand the emotions of others. A lot of people will hurt you because neither you nor the people around you will understand your gift. You’re what people call an empath. You have a strong sense of understanding, you are able to view things deeper than the surface, from wider perspectives. In psychology, they compare this to the word psyche. You see truth and meaning and feel everyone’s emotions. You feel so deeply that another person’s pain and grief runs like goosebumps and shivers across your skin. You can look at someone and read their entire life like a book, but you don’t know what this means just yet. You just know that you are capable of it. As you read this letter, this message is to guide you and send you love through the seasons of building you. Just know that I am with you through it all, I’ve been here and I am still here.

Dear Younger Self

As you move forward in life, you will build emotional resilience on the journey of finding your self-identity. You will find it challenging to hold your own beliefs while trying to find different ways to connect to your deepest self while discarding others. Your resilience will stem from your ability to walk in the insecurities of others, the ones that people painted on you when they saw you. The ones that hurt you, scarred you, but also shaped you. You were told that you were fat almost your entire life. Everyone picked and pointed out the flaws that they saw in you. You were bullied by people who were too afraid to face themselves, so they decided to bring you down. You’re that girl that had the gift of growing into her figure a little faster than others at a young age, and judged because you were a lot different than the others. You started to wear some of those flaws and when you looked at yourself in the mirror you only saw a fat girl, a girl that didn’t have a perfect shape. You hated your breasts, hips, and thighs because of people’s judgment. You hated that you had no butt as a black girl because that was considered to be desirable in your community. These are feelings that didn’t come from within, rather they were unsolicited criticisms that others projected onto you. You didn’t ask for people to accept you or like you. People have a way of making sure that you feel unaccepted or disliked.

As you navigate through the journey of self-discovery, you will experience parental trauma and yearn for a sense of belonging. Living with a strong but unhealed mother can be tough. Normalizing healed parenthood should be a thing, but during this time you will think that it’s normal. Your mom sees a lot in you that she sees in herself, but she wasn’t able to heal properly to love you in the way that you needed to be loved. So, you learned to love yourself. You will spend your teens and twenties overcoming and healing from emotional and physical abandonment. The emotional and physical abandonment that you experienced as a child will start to reappear into your adulthood, causing you to be triggered by failed relationships, friendships, and disappointments. You’re forgiving and kind, but you’re also angry. You’re angry that you were the black sheep of the family, the unseen, the odd one. The one that desired love because growing up with no father is tough as a young girl. When you seek protection, love, and confinement, you seek your father, the man who plays a part in your existence. You will look for him, you will cry for the void that you felt in your heart, for the emptiness you find when searching for belonging. You don’t feel like you belong because as the younger sibling you watch your older sister get everything that you could ever desire.

The father, the friends, the sisters, and the attention. You will start to shut people out and become more silent, shy, and timid about showing your true self to the world, because you feel like you’re unlovable. You will start to blame yourself; you will feel like you’re drowning in a sea of built-up emotions. You will have to guide yourself through these troubled waters.

At some points you may feel as if you have failed, but not even realizing that you have won in so many ways. I know sometimes life doesn’t give you the opportunity to see your wins, but you will learn that life doesn’t become easier, you just become better at managing throughout it.

It won’t be a steady or straight road, but you will find the beauty in it because that’s just who you are. You will be broken along the way but you’ll learn how to put the pieces back together as you go on in life. You will heal while patching up the new wounds. The most rewarding part of healing is the process. You will see that there is power in healing from within. You will embrace the opportunity to become a better version of yourself each day and cease your pursuit of perfection. You will learn to not allow your desire for belonging to encourage you to be perfect but rather learn how to celebrate your mistakes. You will learn how to use your hardships as a gift in life to open up new doors of opportunity to grow, learn and evolve. Finding yourself will be a long road because you will soon realize that the life you were living wasn’t you. It was a sum of others’ insecurities and traumas that you allowed to determine your self-worth. All of the things that make you who you are, will be belittled, from your voice to your beauty, and even your achievements. You have to stay true to yourself because you were placed here for a reason. You don’t know how great you are yet, but you will be unstoppable one day. As I write this letter to you, I am almost in tears because you just don’t understand how proud of you I am. When you look in the mirror I want you to see yourself and see how magnificent you are. Stop tearing yourself down and realize that you are not your flaws. You are God’s creation, you were made in a perfect image of your Creator. If you have a life on this earth, you have a purpose to fulfill. You are more than the sum of your past trauma, but you had to master that first in order to master what lay ahead of you.

The most important message I want you to take out of this is that you play the lead role and main character in your movie. Your movie is the purpose but you are the writer and producer that will make the vision come true. If you can think about your life as if you are watching a movie, what would you tell the character to do from the other side of the screen? You would tell her to never give up, to stand up for herself, fight for what she wants, and forget those people that brought her down. So let that be you. Live in your truth and find what that truth is. Continue on this journey because you have the eyes to see the beauty in all things. Don’t lose touch with who you are, despite where you may be, how it may look or what it may feel like when things get harder, that is just when things are about to become easier. When you seem farther away from your goal, then things are about to become closer. Just believe

and never stop believing. Become the hero of your

own story!

Love,

Your Guardian Angel

Chapter 2

Overcoming

Childhood Trauma

When life throws you lemons, make you a big glass of lemonade. The more lemons you have the better the lemonade.

We tend to hide memories that hurt, bruise, and damage our hearts. We bury them so deep and pretend that they’re not there, painting new realities over them—but do we ever heal? Have you ever taken time to forgive? Or have you carried on with life, avoiding your trauma and hoping that it wouldn’t affect you? There’s constant pressure to keep going, to keep moving farther and farther away from our internal problems. The saying fake it ‘til you make it is complete crap. It’s encouraging more people to lie to the public and most importantly to themselves. I am one of those people who once believed in that slogan. I used it as a personal motto. I would lie to myself so much that I would start to believe it. I would tell myself that I was okay even though I wasn’t. I would tell others and myself that the way they treated or talked to me was okay even though it wasn’t. I would condone unhealthy relationships but tell myself they would treat me better, even though I knew that they wouldn’t. I was going down a rabbit hole so deep that I worried about not being able to find a way out of it. I had to think about where these feelings began so that I could find peace, happiness, and serenity within myself. Soon enough, I realized that I needed to conquer my childhood trauma. 

Let’s define the phrase childhood trauma, to have a clear understanding of this complex issue. Your childhood is a vital part of your life because it helps shape you, and sets you on the path to finding your place in this world. A good childhood is a beautiful time that you want to live in forever. To be a child is to live life without restraint or responsibilities. It is fun, unintentionally perfect, colored by the naïveté of youth—most simply, it is the early stage of life. Trauma on the other hand is the pain