Elegantly Simple Solutions To Complex People Problems

By Jaemin Frazer

To change any area of your life, all you really need is the right framework and someone who is able to skilfully apply it to your life until you see it work. 

People often experience their problems as incredibly complicated and totally unique. The wonderful thing is that they are neither. 

While the solutions ma

• Language: English
• Publisher: Jaemin Frazer and Associates
• Release date: Feb 1, 2018
• ISBN: 9780648894278

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ELEGANTLY SIMPLE SOLUTIONS TO COMPLEX PEOPLE PROBLEMS
2018 © by Jaemin Frazer. All rights reserved. Printed in Australia.

No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of brief quotation embodied in critical articles and reviews.

For information contact the author at www.jaeminfrazer.com

THIRD EDITION

Cover design by Nathan Griffith, Envoke (www.envokecreative.com)

National Library of Australia Cataloguing-in-Publication entry:

Frazer, Jaemin, author. Elegantly simple solutions to complex people problems / Jaemin Frazer.

ISBN: 9780994441706 (paperback)Self-actualization (Psychology) Personal coaching. Performance. Success.158.1

Acknowledgements

To my wife. You have loved me through the process of becoming the kind of man who could contribute meaningfully in the world. This book is the fruit of that love. Thank you.

Preface

Things should be made as simple as possible and no simpler.

—Albert Einstein

W

hile away on a three day book writing retreat on the south coast of NSW, I was sitting overlooking the beach when an elderly man stopped and struck up a conversation with me about the beautiful view. I asked him a bit about himself and how long he’d lived there. We had an interesting conversation that ended abruptly when I told him I was writing a personal development book. Oh forget that, he said and he walked off!

What a crazy idea, to develop yourself! Earn money, work 10 hours a day for 40 years and then retire. Get married, have kids then have grandkids. Buy a car, go on holidays, watch movies, drink beer or talk to your neighbours about the weather, but whatever you do, don’t develop your own life. Do not grow your character and deal with your doubts, fears and insecurities. What a crazy waste of time right?

I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, but the road less travelled¹ is in no danger of being trampled and overrun by the masses. Most people will never invest in personal development work and really achieve what they are capable of.

Henry David Thoreau famously said "The mass of men will lead lives of quiet desperation²." They will remain in situations and environments that they don’t like but feel powerless to change. They will continue to follow the crowd and operate at a level far beneath their best. They will choose safety and survival over growth and change and continue to be severely limited by doubt, fear and insecurity their whole lives.

I’m convinced that to succeed in life is actually quite easy, because most people never will. You only have to do a few key things semi-consistently and it quickly separates you from the crowd. Every day we have access to everything that we need to live well, but most people will choose to ignore it and keep doing what they’ve always done.

I’m guessing by the fact that you picked this book up in the first place, you are not that guy at the beach. Let me tell you, that makes you a very rare individual in the history of the world. May you find what you are looking for and become great at being you.

Complicated and Unique Problems

So often we experience our problems as being extremely complicated and totally unique. To be fair, that is exactly how it seems at the time. It’s very common to find ourselves in messy situations, coping with relational obligations or entangled in a web of constant trouble. At such times, it’s very easy to imagine that no one else has experienced the same challenges, and that we are all alone trying to find a way out. It can be astounding to discover that while the solution may not be easy, it is definitely not complicated. Often people confuse simple with easy. Instead, the path to success is always simple and hard.

What’s more, we are not as isolated and our challenges are not as unique as they might seem. Although the specifics may vary from person to person, we all go through the same story in some way, battling exactly the same kinds of doubts, fears and insecurities. So it turns out, our problems are actually neither complicated nor unique. The beautiful thing is that there is a clear framework you can use to find your way out of the mess and move beyond simply surviving to truly flourishing as the person you were created to be.

My greatest passion is personal development. I have discovered some of the very best tools for transformational change through my journey into coaching. I love the quality of the coaching space to open the doors to freedom and life. Finding freedom isn’t common, but it is possible. Change, growth and even personal congruence are available to each of us, although only very few will ever taste the joy of a life well lived.

Madness

Eckhart Tolle³ says that if you condensed the history of mankind down into the life of a single human being, that person would be undeniably labelled as a violent, psychopathic, madman. Madness seems to be the only word that does justice to our predicament.

If you were to float into space and simply observe the way we do life on earth, you would see inherently good, valuable and creative people who consistently make daily decisions to hurt themselves, others and the planet. It is madness. That is the only way it can be described.

One of the most extraordinary things in the universe is our ability to survive and suffer in deeply dysfunctional situations. People may truly hate their circumstances and complain about how terrible they are, but then still get up each new day and do it all over again without making any changes. It really is remarkable!

Most people will continue to survive in dysfunction, right up to the point of madness. It’s the human condition. So many good people, despite their best efforts, go through life hurting themselves and others.

All the world’s major religions agree that the normal way of living for human beings is deeply dysfunctional to the point of madness. The Buddhist way of understanding it is called dukka—suffering, unsatisfactoriness or just plain misery. In the Hindu teachings, it is called maya—the veil of delusion. The Christians call it sin. The word sin means to miss the mark, which is really interesting because it means to suffer from sin (madness) is that we miss the point of what it means to be human in the first place.

Each religion also agrees that there is a way out of the madness through a radical transformation of human consciousness. In Hindu teachings it is called enlightenment. In Buddhism it is the end of suffering and in the teachings of Jesus it is called salvation and in⁴, yet paradoxically it is not through religion as such that one becomes free.

The essence of Jesus’ message, for example, is all about coming home and finding yourself as a fully formed human being, yet often people become Christian only by making a mental assent to accept the deity of Jesus without ever actually dealing with the madness.

Religious systems often end up being a place of self-righteousness and judgment, which ironically causes religious people to propagate madness in the world!

The good news is that there are ways out of the madness for those who are ready to find and themselves and break free.

Framing

A stark white page appears quite different with a black frame than it does with a pink one; it is as though the shade of white changes before your very eyes simply by changing the frame! Changing the frame also changes your experience of what’s inside the frame. The same is true in life. The frame we bring to each situation (and through which we understand what is happening to us) shapes our experience of that situation. The frame consists of our culture, beliefs, values and experiences, each of which colour how we interpret every moment of our lives. Two people can be in the same situation yet because of their different cultures, beliefs or values, they will each experience their reality very differently. This is all due to the power of the frame.

Every conversation we have is experienced through a frame. This allows us to make sense of what we are hearing and informs us about what we should expect from the words being exchanged. It is impossible to have a frame free conversation, because we are sense-making creatures. Even if the frame has not been agreed on or made explicit, subconsciously we always assume a frame based on past experience, generalisations and default beliefs.

Types of frames

The frame we bring to a conversation with a friend is very different to the one we use as parent, child, business partner, employee, boss, spouse, expert, coach, mentor, stranger, customer, teacher or student. Take for example the words ‘can you clean up that mess?’ These are totally appropriate when coming from your spouse, parent or boss but can be totally offensive when spoken by a friend, stranger or employee. The exact same conversation in a different context or a different frame will produce a completely different result. Getting the framing wrong can create massive relational problems. Saying the right words under the wrong frame will get you into trouble every time.

Framing conversations is particularly critical when we have multiple frames available with the same person. For example, you and another person might be related, share the same work environment and also be part of a local sporting club i.e. brother, employee and teammate. If you are not conscious of which frame you’re under at what time, you can easily cause relationship pain without intending to.

Before we go any further, let me show you how I’ve arranged this book. It is split into two sections.

Part 1 – The Coaching Frame

Coaching has a frame too. It doesn’t supersede other frames. All the other relationship frames are just as necessary and important in their place, but if you’re looking for leverage for change, it is the only appropriate frame to use.

Life coaching is cheeky. It steals all the best tools from counselling, psychology and human behavioural science and frames them extraordinarily well. It is my experience that the right frame, plus the best tools delivers the most powerful leverage for change available.

If you are looking for elegantly simple solutions to your complicated problems, and a way out of the madness, then I suggest you see this conversation we are having right now through the coaching frame. If you are looking for sympathy or you are not willing to accept your part in the mess in your life, then the coaching frame will only cause you grief. (Don’t say I didn’t warn you!)

Part 2 – A Model for Change

In the second part I’ll share with you the ‘Hope, Power, Humour’ model for change. This model consistently delivers elegantly simple solutions for complicated people problems when accessed through the lens of the coaching frame.

I challenge you to commit to reading the whole book and understanding the complete system so you don’t get vaccinated. Too many people ‘dabble’ and ‘try’, convincing themselves that the reason they don’t get the results they are looking for is because the tools they use are faulty or inadequate. Let me assure you that there is nothing wrong with these tools or the model I am proposing. What you are about to read has been tried and tested. If you only half use it or use it halfheartedly, it will not work. If you use this framework as presented, not only will it work, but it will yield amazing results.

Part One

The coaching frame

Introduction

Y

our experience of what you see is totally coloured by the lens you look through. In this section we will explore the coaching frame. Viewing the world through this frame will provide you with a new way of seeing things and give you access to change in a way you have likely not experienced before.

There are six key pieces of the coaching frame that make it so effective. Each of these pieces can seem quite counter-intuitive and they are certainly counter-cultural, yet I guarantee that together they create a powerful frame that you’ll find incredibly useful for improving the quality and consistency of the results you are getting. In fact I’d go as far as to say the coaching frame will help you to see and experience just how real, simple and tangible change can be and that, somewhat surprisingly, change can be yours as soon as you want it.

In the following chapters I will cover each piece of the frame in detail. I suggest you revisit these chapters frequently until you have a thorough understanding of the coaching frame so it becomes your lens of choice when you are looking for change. That way you can use it with volition and flexibility to suit your purpose and desired outcomes.

Understanding each of these elements and how they work together will enable you to access the full transformational power of the model for change that will follow.

It is my hope that once you understand the coaching frame, you will choose to adopt it as the frame through which you will experience the conversations we have throughout the remainder of this book

Chapter One

The Judgment Free Space

Wanting people to change is by far the least effective way of motivating them to do so.

O

n a recent flight, I was watching an American sitcom called ‘Surviving Jack.’ It’s about a guy who retires from being a doctor in the armed forces. He swaps roles with his wife so that she can enter the work force while he stays home and takes over the major parenting duties for their teenage children. Set in the 1980’s, it is a very humorous look at all the challenges faced by teenagers growing up in the real world, not to mention the struggles their parents face while trying to help them navigate these stormy seas.

I wasn’t expecting it to be that interesting, but five minutes into the first episode I was hooked. I laughed and cried all the way to Brisbane, oblivious to what others might have thought. As far as I was concerned, I was the only person on the plane. I was a teenager once. I had to face all the same challenges