Poorly Wrapped Gifts: Rising and Thriving After Infidelity

By Sujata Patel

Do you feel unheard, invalidated, scared, lost and alone after learning about your partner's affair?  

Do you feel stuck in your grief and are afraid you will n

• Language: English
• Publisher: selfpublishing.com
• Release date: Feb 20, 2024
• ISBN: 9798891092334

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Poorly Wrapped Gifts

Rising and Thriving after Infidelity

Sujata Patel

http://poorlywrappedgifts.com

Copyright Page

Poorly Wrapped Gifts © Copyright 2023 by Sujata Patel

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law.

Published in the United States by A Happy New World Publishing, an imprint of Wellness with Sujata, LTD, Ohio.

Although the author and publisher have made every effort to ensure that the information in this book was correct at press time, the author and publisher do not assume and hereby disclaim any liability to any party for any loss, damage, or disruption caused by errors or omissions, whether such errors or omissions result from negligence, accident, or any other cause.

Adherence to all applicable laws and regulations, including international, federal, state, and local governing professional licensing, business practices, advertising, and all other aspects of doing business in the US, Canada or any other jurisdiction is the sole responsibility of the reader and consumer.

Neither the author nor the publisher assumes any responsibility or liability whatsoever on behalf of the consumer or reader of this material. Any perceived slight of any individual or organization is purely unintentional.

The resources in this book are provided for informational purposes only and should not be used to replace the specialized training and professional judgment of a health care or mental health care professional.

Neither the author nor the publisher can be held responsible for the use of the information provided within this book. Please always consult a trained professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others.

For more information, email [e-mail].

ISBN: 979-8-89109-232-7 - paperback

ISBN: 979-8-89109-233-4 - ebook

For every woman rising and finding her way

Acknowledgments

I have immense gratitude for all the people who helped make this book a reality.

Thanks to everyone on my publishing team. Thanks to Kerk, my writing coach, who held me accountable and encouraged me along the way. To my editor, Thea, who helped shape this book, providing me with valuable insight as we took my first draft and made it into something readable.

To Liz, who has been there every step of the way in EVERY way, encouraging me to write, talking things through, helping me process unhealed wounds, and celebrating my wins.

To Susanne for supporting me in my desire to write this book over seven years ago and for her insight and infusions of courage over the years.

To my friends and family who haven’t judged me for writing about such a sensitive topic. I thank you for remaining open and understanding why I had to write this book.

To my parents, who came to the United States over sixty years ago. Had they not come, I would not have had the luxury of using my voice to write about such an intimate topic. To my mom for her amazing courage in life to take giant leaps, with an uncertain future, inspiring me to do the same. To my dad, who prioritized education and free thinking and has paved the way for me to have the time to write about what lights me up so that I can make a difference.

Deep, profound, heartfelt gratitude for Nick for his loving support of me writing this book. For encouraging me to use my voice to tell my story and stand in my power. His support has given me the courage and peace I needed to complete this project. I couldn’t have done it without him. Despite the vulnerable topic, he stands in his sacred space and loves me for standing in mine. I thank him for his hard work and his commitment to us, and his desire to always work to be a better version of himself. And for his encouragement of me to do the same. I thank him for showing up every single day. For those of you who have loved him, I thank you for continuing to do so. Hurt people hurt people, and it is with constant awareness, immense compassion, merciful grace, repeated forgiveness, and deep love that all can be healed.

And finally, thank you to my children, for being the inspiration for everything I do.

Contents

Acknowledgmentsv

Contentsvii

Introduction1

Part 1 - The Beginning7

The Big Reveal9

I Wish I Had a Husband Like That 23

My Marriage at the Time25

The First Big Reveal31

Me35

Serendipity47

Our Early, Confusing Days55

Past-Life Regression65

Poisoned71

Part 2 - The Mess75

Give Yourself Grace77

Why?83

Healing—the Ticking Clock93

Concussion99

Triggers107

Worst Counselor Ever121

Intuition and Clairvoyance127

Should I Stay, or Should I Go?133

Grief149

Anger157

Bargaining and Sadness165

Acceptance171

Intimacy After the Affair179

Lessons From the Rest of the Counselors193

Part 3 - The Transformation205

Permission to Choose Ease and Innocence207

The Other Woman215

Choosing myself221

Using my Voice227

The Mind-Body Connection233

Transformation239

My Life Will Never Be the Same251

Who This Love Story Is About257

Epilogue259

Appendix A265

Appendix B285

References and Resources291

About the Author293

Introduction

Learning that your significant other has been having an affair can be one of the most devastating moments of your life. It feels like a sucker punch to the gut. The rug has been swept out from under you. Your head spins. You don’t know up from down. Everything feels out of control. You fall to the ground, wondering if you will ever be able to breathe again and lift yourself up.

I have never been in a romantic relationship where the man did not cheat on me. We didn’t have an open relationship, and it was explicitly agreed that our relationship was one that would be monogamous.

My first marriage ended because of infidelity. I didn’t really suffer from a broken heart—it was fear of not having my kids full time. It was the end of how I imagined life was supposed to be. I felt like I was losing my personal power. I didn’t make the decision to leave because my husband made it for me. And when he did, a big weight lifted off me.

Days after finding out about my ex-husband’s affair, I purchased a dozen books on how to handle the affair and on forgiveness…all the classics such as After the Affair, The Dance of Anger, and How to Heal your Relationship. (It was great—it only required the participation of one member of the relationship). I even subscribed to a few online healing programs and printed out the manuals with great intentions to go through them with my husband.

Back then, we went to a counselor together, ONCE. When the counselor discovered that the reason my husband was no longer with his mistress (because I scared her off), she called me a vindictive bitch. Right there. In her safe space of an office. WOW.

What I gathered from that counselor was that there was a proper way to respond when you find out your husband is having an affair and when you feel like your whole family unit is crumbling. Apparently, the loving thing to do when in the shock and anger stages of grief of your marriage ending is to support the loving couple who is breaking up your life. This counselor reinforced every bit of archaic wisdom of how a woman should behave when her man transgresses. Clearly, this was a counselor who had her own set of issues and was in no way capable of offering usable guidance. I never went back.

I sarcastically referred to the unveiling of my husband’s affair as the big reveal. Often the phrase big reveal has connotations of something positive and grand. When watching a home makeover show, the big reveal shows us the marvelous transformations made to a house. Or when Oprah used to give out surprise gifts to her audience. You’re just sitting there living your life, taking in a show, and SURPRISE!

With a big reveal, everything changes. It happens in an instant. While my big reveal was neither marvelous nor fun, I have grown to view the big reveal as a gift. It just didn’t come wrapped in a pretty package. I lovingly refer to experiences like this as my poorly wrapped gifts.

You can imagine how disappointed I was when the big reveal happened in my current relationship. Why in the hell did I throw out all of those books I paid good money for when my ex-husband cheated on me?

Because I didn’t ever think I would be in this position again.

It was different this time around, though. This affair hit me harder than the one with my ex-husband. I had more of my heart invested this time around. I felt my heart break into a million pieces. The triggers hit me harder. The self-doubt hit me harder. Blindsided, I had new gaping wounds, which opened old wounds and lit up all of my insecurities.

How could I have missed this? What the hell was wrong with me? And why in the hell was I not running for my life? Was I THAT pathetic that I would actually consider working it out with this man and seeing where we end up?

I was scared. I felt abandoned and rejected.

I was devastated. I felt powerless and out of control. I felt crazy at times, and embarrassed that I had chosen to stay with him. I had one foot in and one foot out, ready to run but also frozen. I felt like my triggers were drowning me, and I didn’t know how to handle them.

I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know where to start.

When I started trying to process my intense feelings and emotions after learning about the affair, I felt very alone. There were no easily accessible resources that normalized the ups and downs I was navigating. Friends couldn’t handle the intensity of what brewed inside of me. Counselors sat silently as I regurgitated my story over and over. The books I found felt clinical and sterile, and I couldn’t find anything that validated my experience. And I needed help with my triggers. They were pounding my nervous system nonstop, and I didn’t have the skills to cope with them yet.

I started writing this book in 2018. Over the years, each time I wrote, it took me right back to being triggered and being angry as hell. It felt like I was taking several steps backward when I wanted to move forward and feel better. For that reason and for many others, I stopped writing this book several times.

I also wanted to protect my personal life and my man. Not everyone knew about what we were going through, and I didn’t want either of us to lose the respect of friends and family over me writing a book that put our lives on display.

But over the months and years, the Universe kept whispering to me: Write the book.

One day in meditation, clarity came to me. The ideas for this book popped into my head. Importantly, I had clarity about WHY I wanted to write the book and who I wanted to talk to. It had to be relatable. I would tell my story like I would share it with a friend. It had to be the resource I could have used when I was going through the thick of my pain.

I wrote this for all the women and men who have felt alone on their journey. For those who have been told they are crazy or that they need to let it go and never speak of it again. For those who have been repeatedly told, It’s been___ years. Aren’t you over this by now? For those who are unconventional, who have real human emotions, who haven’t been able to get the validation they seek for any part of the process. For those who have sought therapy only to be met with half-brained quacks who bring their own baggage into the counseling session. For those who have plenty of input from friends and family, urging them to think differently, feel differently, or go against what feels right for them. For those who lost confidence or hope. And I am also writing this book for those of you who are curious and just want to know what the hell happened in my home. It is all good.

I humbly share my experiences with as much candor and authenticity and vulnerability as I can muster. It is my hope that in reading this book you will take whatever lessons and tools resonate with you and gain the hope that you can make your life spectacular even after a life-changing event like an affair. I hope that through reading this book, you feel supported and not so alone. Like someone else also gets it. I want you to feel validated and in control of your healing. I want you to take charge of your growth, discover new things about yourself, and empower yourself.

If I can play even the smallest role in helping you navigate this tough road or making your life amazing, then my struggles, my pain and suffering, and me opening my life to the world, have been worth it. When I can turn a horrible event into something helpful, it transmutes energy and helps me heal at a deeper level. My experience then serves a purpose. And I need it to not have been in vain. I need it to mean something.

Some of life’s most precious gifts come in poorly wrapped packages. This is my story of tearing through the ugly packaging and revealing the gifts contained within.

For those of you who have been on the receiving end of infidelity, I share my story to offer hope and let you know you are not alone. And not only will you survive this, but you can eventually find a way to thrive. You can feel joy again.

There is more than one way to get there. My path is one path. You will forge your own. I share some of the key choices and experiences that made a difference in my healing—what propelled me and what held me back. I share my experiences with counselors, my grief process, my biggest challenges, and my big-shift moments. I write about trust, forgiveness, intimacy, and moving forward. I share my growth and transformation process in the hope that you will find something in my story that resonates with you and moves you in the direction of growth and peace.

In parts two and three of this book, I list key points to remember at the end of each chapter. After you read the book, feel free to keep it as a quick and easy resource.

At the end of the book, I have included an appendix with a self-care guide as well as a compilation of some major points to remember as you walk along your path. They are in no particular order but are some simple but powerful reminders based on what lessons I learned and messages I wish I had heard more often. I also provided links to some of the books I found useful as I journeyed through my healing.

I hope as you read this book, you get what you are looking for. I hope something stands out that speaks to you and makes a difference in your day, your week, your month, your life. My heart is with you as you journey forward on your path to healing.

Part 1

The Beginning

Caterpillar

Chapter 1

The Big Reveal

It was a glorious spring morning. We were up and ready to go by 7:00 a.m. The slight chill in the air gave it a comforting and invigorating smell. The sun was shining, and the skies were the perfect color of sky blue, like the Crayola Crayon color that used to be my absolute favorite. Nick and I were headed to the beach for spring break with seven kids in tow. Four of them were seniors in high school. He drove his SUV with two of his sons, a friend of his middle son, and my youngest son. I drove in a separate car with my oldest son and his girlfriend, along with my youngest daughter.

Nick arrived late at my house that morning and had texted that he was a bit peeved about being late. So, as he pulled into the driveway, I intentionally greeted him with extra love. I wrapped my arms around him, held him for a long time, and told him it was no big deal. We would get to our destination whenever we got there. It was the journey that mattered, not the destination. We would make it fun, despite our delayed start. We had no stress.

I felt so in love with him and was super excited to be heading on another family trip to the beach for a week of connecting, laughing, sharing, being silly, and relaxing. We had been on several family trips together over the years, and each one was magical. I knew this trip would be full of wonder too. Just days before, he had run up to me in my kitchen, wrapped his arms around me, and with the biggest smile, looked into my eyes and told me I was going to be his wife one day. My heart fluttered. We were both feeling it. We had been together for six years. And although we had considered marriage, we didn’t want to blend our families during our children’s late teenage years. We resolved to wait until they were in college because we didn’t want to disrupt their lives. It worked well. He was close to my children, and I was close to his. We were basically a family living in two separate homes, which is why our family trips were extra special. We would all be under one roof, spending our days in the sun and water, staying up late laughing and pulling pranks. In the late evening, the kids would run off to do silly things and make their own memories together while Nick and I relaxed under the stars.

I love going on road trips with my kids and stopping at travel stations where we can all get gas station coffee—my favorite. We drove south, making a few stops along the way. We played music, and I sang my favorite songs in the car.

About eight hours into our trip, we stopped for lunch at the McDonald’s at Exit 22 in Tennessee off Interstate 75. As with every other stop we made, I got out of the car with a huge smile and wrapped my loving arms around Nick. I held him close and breathed him in. He always smelled so good. I remember the innocence and deep love I felt for him in that extra-long hug. It was noteworthy.

It would be a long time before I would ever have that safe, secure, innocent, and deeply loving feeling again.

I went to the restroom and pulled out my phone to check my business emails. I had a relatively new business and was hoping to see new messages. Low and behold, I had eight emails. I wasn’t sure if it was a spammer filling my inbox because I didn’t recognize the sender’s email address.

As it turns out, the emails were from a woman I knew. She was a coworker of Nick’s. I was confused as I read the emails. They confessed to something that I couldn’t grasp. She was showing me proof of an almost two-year affair with Nick, including screenshots of text messages and emails. I stood there in disbelief of what I was reading. As the adrenaline raced through my body, I couldn’t fully comprehend the words I was reading, and I started to feel lightheaded.

I needed space. I left the confines of the restroom and stood near the ordering counter to try to read the first very lengthy email.

I remember standing there—the kids had ordered, and I had paid. The kids were all gathered in a large semi-circular booth a few steps away from me, waiting for their food. They were looking at me. I stood there reading and shaking. I could barely breathe.

Nick walked past me and saw who the emails were from and kept on walking, not saying a word.

As I gasped for air, I could barely get the words out that I needed to go outside and get some air. I was trembling. I could barely stand. My knees felt like they were buckling and were going to give out from underneath me. I could not breathe. My heart was pounding out of my chest. I felt lightheaded. I was dazed. I was in shock. What?! This could not be true. No way in hell.

I went back in and asked Nick if I could talk to him outside.

I sat down on the curb next to the car and asked him point blank, Are you having an affair with Midge? (I changed her name).

He simply replied, Yes.

Nothing followed.

My head swirled from the shock. I got sick to my stomach and thought I was going to pass out. I didn’t know what hit me. I didn’t know what this meant. I was riddled with thoughts and questions. It just didn’t make sense. How could he? Every thought came to me all at once. What the actual fuck was happening to my life right now?

I couldn’t see straight. My whole life—everything I believed and felt about my security, my love, my everything—completely shattered in that instant.

I yelled I hate you. I hate you. Fuck you. I hate you over and over. I know I said more, but everything else that was said in that parking lot is a big blur. I was in shock.

Five minutes passed before we walked into McDonald’s and told the kids it was time to go. As we walked back to the car, I walked ahead of the kids, trying to choke back my tears. I don’t even know what my kids were thinking or looked like because I was so absorbed in trying to breathe and regain my composure. I was completely unaware that they had been watching me through the window as I yelled at Nick outside. I worked hard to get some full breaths of air into my lungs and into my brain. It was a strain at best.

As we were opening the doors to get inside the car, my oldest son asked me point blank why I was yelling at Nick. Well shit. I realized that at least one of the kids had been watching. I honestly do not know which other kids saw the interaction and were concerned. I was oblivious to everything that was going on around me as my world was spinning. But my precious son saw it. He saw the nonverbals and my lips moving in the general direction of Fuck you, and I hate you. He witnessed the angry look on my face. That look of devastation, of disbelief. He saw the whole thing. He didn’t know what in the world happened between that long drawn-out loving hug and now. What could have possibly happened in the last ten minutes to warrant this?

I am generally a peaceful person. I don’t have huge mood swings. And I typically don’t react emotionally. So, for my son to see this, it stood out. And he wanted answers. I told him I would tell him in the car.

I still had five more hours to drive in the car until we reached our destination for that night. I