The First-Time Dad's Roadmap to Pregnancy and Parenthood: A Guide to The Emotional and Psychological Challenges of Fatherhood

By Elizabeth Benson

Discover how you can navigate the ups and downs of pregnancy with your partner and embrace the joy of fatherhood.

Are you anxious about taking on the responsibilities of supporting your pregnant partner and becoming a new dad?

• Language: English
• Publisher: Self-Help
• Release date: Jan 18, 2024
• ISBN: 9781739431372

Elizabeth Benson

Elizabeth Benson, an author with a Master's in Psychology and nearly two decades of empathetic service, brings her experience as a mother and grandmother to her writings. Her debut book, "Pregnancy from Conception to Birth: The Essential Roadmap for First-time Mothers," and the follow-up, "The First-Time Dad's Roadmap to Pregnancy and Parenthood," reflect her deep understanding of the journey of parenthood. These books' success led to a compilation release. In her latest work, "A Roadmap to Raising Emotionally Intelligent Children: A Parent's Guide to Ensuring Your Child's Health, Wealth, and Happiness," Elizabeth offers strategies for nurturing emotional resilience in children, drawing from her extensive knowledge of human behavior and family dynamics

Book preview

Introduction

A lot has changed in recent years. The world as we know it has shifted from what it once was. During the course of this change, many aspects and practices of everyday life similarly transitioned from what they were before. One of these things was parenting. Over the last few years, if not decades, we have come to recognize parenting for the collaborative effort it truly is. In the process, we discovered that fatherhood, in particular, is a much more nuanced and nebulous endeavor than we gave it credit for.

Raising children has never been easy, and finding your footing as a father becomes increasingly difficult the more this practice shifts and evolves. Right about now, you might be wondering why you can’t just turn to your parents’ methods and replicate them for your own children. After all, they were adults when you were born, and you are an adult now, waiting on your own bundle of joy. The trouble is, you’re not exactly in the same place they were back then. Khandwala et al. (2017) report that the average age of fathers in the United States has been raised by approximately 3.5 years since 1975. Modern-day dads are getting introduced to child-rearing at increasingly older ages. This same study demonstrated that US dads are, on average, 31 years old when they welcome their first child. Along with that, we must consider that 9% of newborn infants have fathers who are at least 40. The average age of a first-time mother has followed a similar pattern.

A dad’s age isn’t the only thing that contributes to the shifting face of fatherhood. The context in which fatherhood takes place has also shifted over time. Today, fathers are more involved with their families than ever. Dads are no longer faceless, breadwinning entities. In the 21st century, child-rearing and domestic responsibilities are more equally dispersed, and fathers contribute to more areas of life than in previous decades. While many modern fathers still work and contribute to household income, a greater effort is made to spend time with their children and to be active participants in the child-rearing process. In fact, according to the Changing face of fatherhood - more family time (2021), there are many dads out there who seek out more flexible work arrangements and hours so that they are more readily available to their families.

Additionally, we must consider the fact that fatherhood hasn’t developed in isolation. In recent decades, the family structure itself has undergone significant change. In addition to households with same-sex parents, there has been an uptick in single fatherhood, stay-at-home dads, and familial structures where childcare is expanded beyond those in one particular house. Now more than ever, children of divorced parents are likely to have a more expansive support network, particularly if both parents remarry. The face of fatherhood has never been more different or more diverse. This is a good thing, as it opens up the wonders of parenthood to a whole new group of people who previously viewed it only from the sidelines, even in their own families.

If I were to take a wild guess, I’d say that you and I are meeting one another in the pages of this book because you yourself are about to become a father for the first time. Most likely, the euphoria has worn off somewhat, and you’ve come to realize what parenthood actually is. It can be a daunting task to tackle, especially the first time around. The only thing you can be sure of is the numerous twists and turns that will characterize the process of child-rearing.

It’s possible that your worry about your impending parental status comes from your own childhood experience. Perhaps you are determined to be the antithesis of your own father and support your wife and child through every step of this journey. If that’s the case, then let me reassure you that you’ve completed the first step of parenthood: Looking at what your parents did and choosing to do the opposite. As a teenager, this was rebellion. As an adult, it’s just good parenting sense.

If you are worried that you don’t have all the skills and knowledge you need to be a good first-time father, rest assured that the purpose of this book is to teach those very same things. More importantly, by the time you reach the final page, you will not only be fully equipped to tackle parenting head-on, but you will have gained a holistic picture of what fatherhood is. This includes not only supporting your child and partner but also knowing when to take a step back and look after yourself. After all, your well-being is connected to that of each of the people in your life, and the better you are doing, the more your family will flourish.

Admittedly, these are quite big promises, especially if we consider how far-reaching the change is that we hope to affect. However, as a parent of four kids myself, I’ve been through that introductory gauntlet myself. Moreover, with a background in psychology, I understand that the theory underlying the tactics outlined in this book is sound and will prove effective in making a change. Most important of all, the techniques, skills, and knowledge we will explore have all been applied in my own life. It is because of this experience that I ask you to trust me now. I have seen firsthand how drastically we can change our parenting abilities if we have even a little more knowledge. It may be daunting, and it won’t happen overnight, but rest assured that you won’t be walking this road alone.

Chapter 1: Facing Your Fatherhood Fears

From the time you first learn that your title is about to change to Dad, you may find that an ever-increasing number of worries are creeping into your mind. These concerns can range from anxiety about your parenting style to spiraling about all the ways in which you can make a mess of child-rearing. The good news is that nothing is set in stone and that you can make the changes needed to be an excellent father. The bad news is that these worries won’t ever quite go away. Once the little one arrives, your stress will shift towards all the external influences they will encounter and will remain there for the rest of your days. It’s a raw deal, but that’s parenthood for you.

The very first step you can take towards quelling your fears is by becoming an involved father. The impact of an involved father stretches far beyond dividing up duties and doing the pajama drill. Children whose fathers actively played a role in their raising experience had heightened levels of security and more easily developed the desire as well as the ability to explore the world around them. This, in turn, helps keep the developmental process moving. Additionally, fathers who are involved during the years of early childhood development (ECD) are able to contribute to their children’s self-esteem, as well as contribute to the strengthening of their cognitive functioning, and may even shape the way they view risk-taking. This extends into adolescence when teens of involved fathers demonstrate a higher likelihood for academic success as well as a lower risk for substance use and teenage pregnancy. This comes full-circle during young adulthood, when the positive nature of a father-child bond directly contributes to important life events such as healthy romantic relationships, positive parent-child bonds with their own children, career success and stability, and even economic prosperity.

These benefits were outlined by the South Carolina Center for Fathers and Families (2019), which has similarly collected the following statistics: In households where fathers were actively involved, children were

Conversely, households in which fathers are more distant, uninvolved, or absent have delivered the following statistics:

Responses to Pregnancy News

Your journey to fatherhood starts the moment you hear the news about the pregnancy. Reactions to this news vary and can fall anywhere along a spectrum ranging from euphoria to dumbfounded shock. The important thing to note is that, whatever your emotional experience, there is no right way to react to hearing that you’ll be having a baby. Some prospective fathers will jump for joy, elated that they are finally getting the family they’ve planned and worked for. Others may need more time to process the news and may have difficulty wrapping their heads around the abstraction of having a baby (if this is you, don’t worry; once the baby arrives, the abstract becomes real very quickly). Still, there are others who may feel a mixture of happiness, shock, and confusion. The point is, as long as you don’t run for the hills, there is no specific or perfect way to react to this news.

Tapp (2017) chronicles the responses from various men elicited by pregnancy news. These reactions covered just about the full spectrum of human emotion and included the following:

There is no such thing as a perfect reaction, largely because there is no such thing as a perfect parent. News of a pregnancy may be particularly complicated, and that’s perfectly normal. Some people try to become parents intentionally, and for others, it may be a complete surprise. Don’t shy away from these feelings. The time ahead will be full of twists and turns, and the clearer your head is, the better you will be able to navigate this road.

The Common Worries of New Dads

The unknown territory that lies ahead may scare you in any number of ways. But as always, we have to remember that these are problems we can deal with. For instance, you may be worried about all the changes the baby will bring, that it will overshadow all other parts of your life and that it will force you into adult roles you aren’t ready for. The fact of the matter is that, yes, having a child will change a great many things in your life. However, what will not change is the fact that you still have needs and desires. There’s no reason why you shouldn’t be able to do the things you love; you just have to make it work. Talk to your partner, determine what she needs or wants, and find a way for both of you to be happy without neglecting the baby. Consider giving one another a night off from baby duty or leaning on your support network for some time away from home.

Your concerns might be more heavy, specifically regarding miscarriages or the well-being of your partner. Different mothers will require different types of care, vitamins, and prenatal preparation. From your side, do what you can to ensure that your partner experiences as little stress as possible during the pregnancy. If there are things that may pose a danger to her or the baby, limit their exposure to these things or remove them entirely.

Many dads-to-be may become concerned with their lifestyle choices or those of their partner, specifically as they relate to the use of alcohol, drugs, and other negative lifestyle choices. With regards to the former, you can remove all alcohol from your home to avoid slip-ups during pregnancy. As a show of solidarity, you can stop drinking during pregnancy as well. If drugs are being used (meaning anything from nicotine to more illicit substances), your best bet would be to quit as soon as possible. Should addiction be a factor, get your partner the help she needs. If it’s something more manageable, like smoking, you can quit alongside her or otherwise find some means of incentivization to help her kick the habit. Later on, we’ll be exploring diet during pregnancy, and you can use that information to craft healthier food habits for the both of you.

Next, we come to a worry we’ve already touched on: anxieties surrounding your capabilities as a father. If you’re worried that you won’t be a good father, remember that it’s a learning process. You don’t need to know parenting from A to Z the moment your baby arrives. Over time, you will pick up more and more knowledge and learn what it takes to be a good dad. Additionally, remember that you won’t be doing this alone. Talk to your partner about your fears or consult other dads in your life to get some help and advice.

If your worries about fatherhood center around inadequacy or concerns that you will replicate your own father’s absence or mistakes, it is essential that you open up and share these feelings with the people in your life. Even if your dad was hands-on, you may still have similar concerns. Whatever your experience, remember that you possess the capacity to be an amazing father; all you have to do is unlock it and harness its power to protect and nurture your child. As for those worries tied to your own father’s approach, the fact that you have identified them as problematic is already a step in the right direction. The next step is discussing this with your partner and collaboratively forming a parenting strategy.

Moving over to something a bit more pragmatic is the worry surrounding household finances after the baby has arrived. Despite the fact that news of impending fatherhood may trigger the compulsion to switch into provider mode, modern parenting conventions mean that you probably won’t be shouldering the financial burden alone. However, even in double-income households, child-rearing is an expensive endeavor. As such, draw up a baby budget before the little one’s arrival. By having a good idea of what to expect from parenting, monetarily speaking, you will be able to start putting money aside or finding new avenues of income well ahead of time.

Other common worries you may come across in anticipation of becoming a father for the first time include stress originating from strained relationships with your family and friends. If these connections are unhealthy or unmaintained, you may find yourself without a much-needed support network. The same goes for a strained relationship with your partner. If things are bad between the two of you, you may be concerned about how you are meant to co-parent. In both situations, the best course of action is to talk through and attempt to resolve your issues. If you and your partner’s issues have been present for a while and you find yourself unable to resolve things by yourself, consider calling in professional help.