So You Want to Fly Private? The Rules

By Shannon McDermott and K.J. Dawson

Ever worked for a sh**y company with problematic co-workers and even worse customers? If you just said I 'Yes" out loud in the book-store, and people are now staring at you, this book is most definitely for you! Inspired by the Great Resignation, So You Want to Fly Private? THE RULES is a collection of true, darkly comedic stories as told by CFAs (Corporate Flight Attendants) in the private aviation industry Jenny Jetway, your favorite renegade Corporate Flight Attendant, walks you through true accounts of what it's like to work as a CFA in private aviation, an industry that hasn't progressed much since the 1970s. From Sugar Babies, wild Karens and toxic misogynist bosses who don't understand the meaning of consent, So You Want to Flu Private: THE RULES paints a messy picture of a famously secretive industry using the same uncensored rhetoric found in venting sessions with co-workers over happy hour drinks at the bar.
Through a set of ten rules, curated in mind for the curious travel enthusiast, So You Want to Fly Private? THE RULES is guaranteed to be a hilarious, thrilling, yet quick read that can be accomplished over the course of a flight or an airport layover.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Jan 9, 2024
• ISBN: 9798987566077

Book preview

So You Want to Fly Private? The Rules

title

Copyright © 2023 by Wanna Fly Private, LLC

All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review or scholarly journal.

Created by K.J. Dawson

Written by K.J Dawson and Shannon McDermott

Illustrations by Chris Notarile

This book is inspired by true stories as told by anonymous corporate aviation crew members. None of the events or people mentioned in these stories have been corroborated or confirmed and should be accepted as nothing more than hearsay. Names, details, and characteristics of people and places have been altered for entertainment purposes. I also present myself as a character, persona, and narrator.

Content Warning

This book contains crude humor, adult language, alcohol reference, drug reference, and sexual content.

Contents

Aviation Lingo Glossary

Welcome Aboard

Benefits of Flying Private

Rule 1: There Is a Right and a Wrong Way to Join the Mile-High Club

Rule 2: No, You Cannot Do Drugs on the Plane

Rule 3: Stop Asking about Celebrities

Rule 4: Don’t Make Ridiculous Catering Requests

Rule 5: Please, for the Love of God, Do NOT Shit on the Plane

Rule 6: CFAs Aren’t Hookers in Disguise

Rule 7: Don’t Pretend You Have Flown Private If You Haven’t

Rule 8: DON’T Be an Asshole

Rule 9: Yes, You Do in Fact Need a CFA

Rule 10: Come On, Baby, Just the Tip!

Private Aviation throughout History

Private Jet Descriptions

Acknowledgments

About the Creator

About the Author

Aviation Lingo Glossary

Air Dropper [er-dra-p-r]

{Noun}

A person who takes a shit in the plane’s lavatory despite the fact that doing so is disgusting and uncomfortable for everyone else on board. Most likely a professional athlete.

{Verb} Air-dropping

Broker

{Noun}

The middleperson between the customer and the charter sales department. Kind of like a travel agent, but WAY more shady. The only reason they exist is because rich people are too lazy to call the sales department themselves. Probably voted Most Likely to End Up in Jail in their high school yearbook.

Cabin Attendant

{Noun}

What aviation corporations call a Corporate Flight Attendant (CFA) when they don’t want to have to follow FAA safety regulations, especially in regard to rest time.

Captain

{Noun}

Highest-ranking pilot on a charter flight. Most likely an old white conservative man who was forced to retire from flying commercial airlines and thinks the 1950s were the good old days. Often, they come with a superiority complex and money habits that can be described as nothing short of cheap.

Charter Flight

{Noun}

A flight that is only scheduled on demand with charter flight companies. The type of flights rich people buy when they don’t want to be crammed on a commercial flight with the unwashed masses.

{Verb} Chartering, chartered, to charter.

Commercial Flight

{Noun}

The type of flight accessible to the general peasantry. Instead of renting an entire plane to themselves, like a refined upper-class citizen, a peasant will instead rent an individual seat on a prescheduled flight with the rest of the rabble.

Corporate Flight Attendant (CFA)

{Noun}

A flight attendant who exclusively works in the private sector of aviation on private, noncommercial aircraft. Always pretends they are living the #luxelife but are actually very, very exhausted and underpaid.

Copilot [kō-pīl-t]

{Noun}

Second-in-command to the captain on a charter flight. Most likely a recent flight school graduate who is desperate to log enough flight hours so they can quit and get a better job at a commercial airliner. Job duties include but are not limited to being the captain’s bitch.

Empty-Leg Special

A special rate offered by charter companies on empty return flights. Most accessible way for the general peasantry to fly private other than being friends with a rich person.

Federal Aviation Administration (FAA)

{Noun}

Zaddy of the aviation world. He can treat you right, or he can treat you very, very wrong. Issues and enforces regulations and minimum standards covering manufacturing, operating, and maintaining aircraft.

Fixed Base of Operation (FBO)

{Noun}

Airport, but only for rich people who can afford to charter flights. What is usually a requirement at commercial airports is only an option at FBOs, including TSA, customs, baggage check, and lines.

Flight Crew

{Noun}

All the underpaid, overworked employees on the plane. A typical flight crew on a charter flight includes two pilots (captain and copilot) and one CFA (or cabin attendant if you’re a corner-cutting corporate tool).

Flight Leg

{Noun}

Also referred to as leg. What the aviation industry calls each one- way flight. For example, if you are flying from NYC to Los Angeles with a layover in Denver, your flight technically has two legs.

Flight Log

{Noun}

Also referred to as the manifest, trip sheet, and/ or passenger list. A packet containing all the necessary info for the flight an employee is working.

Lav

{Noun}

Short for lavatory. Aviation industry term for the plane’s bathroom/ restroom/WC.

Linemen

{Noun}

Also referred to as line guys and/or line persons. They assist with anything flight crews need at the FBO. Need help fueling up the plane? Yep! Sewage tank needs to be drained? Absolutely! Don’t have enough time to restock the mini bar? You got it! Just want to kick back and hear the latest Tea? They’ll serve it scalding. Linemen are the lifeblood of the private aviation industry.

Nondisclosure Agreement NDA

{Noun}

A contract rich people and/or corporations make the peasants who work for them sign when they don’t want them to snitch.

Part-91

{Noun}

Contract classification for flights where the plane is owned by an individual, not a corporation (also a fancy way to describe being able to legally skirt around FAA rules and regulations).

Personal Flight Attendant

{Noun}

The type of flight attendant everyone hates but secretly wants to be. They get paid top dollar to exclusively fly ONE rich person on ONE aircraft and barely do any actual work.

PAX

{Abbreviation}

For passenger. Both singular and plural.

Pop-Up

{Noun}

Very last-minute charter flights that can occur at any moment, day or night. The bane of every flight crew’s existence.

Shopper

{Noun}

A passenger who swipes all the amenities on their flight (soap, socks, eye masks, pillows, blankets, towels, mini liquor bottles), creating more unnecessary work for the CFA postflight. {Verb} Shopping, going shopping.

Welcome Aboard

Welcome Aboard Aircraft N1WFP

Good day, everyone! I’m Jenny Jetway, your CFA for this flight. Your flight crew would like to welcome you to sit down, shut up, and listen to flight crew instructions. Your captain is nursing a wicked hangover, and your Co-Pilot just wants to log enough flight hours to get a better-paying job, so he doesn’t have to deal with the captain’s bullshit anymore. Occasionally, the captain will interrupt the flight with announcements so he can hear himself talk.

Once airborne, our flight time most likely will not change, so please do not bug the pilots with requests to get there as fast as possible because this is NOT a goddamn cab or rideshare service. The captain has informed me that the weather is probably not safe to fly in, but the lead passenger offered the charter company A LOT of money to take this flight despite the fact it’s dangerous.

Please … just please … observe the Fasten Seat Belt and No Smoking signs. Smoking is not allowed in the lavatory at any time. This plane is on loan from a private owner, and they will be PISSED if we give it back to them smelling like a dive bar. Federal Aviation Administration regulations require compliance of lighted passenger information signs and posted placards, which we all learned how to read in first grade.

We have five emergency exits on board: the main cabin door, which you entered, and four over the wings. All seat belts must be fastened anytime the aircraft is moving. To do so, simply slip the flat end into the buckle. To tighten, pull on the strap and adjust the top portion of the buckle. To release, lift up on the buckle.

This should be self-explanatory, but realistically, no one listens to safety briefings anyway … We just are required by law to give them so you can’t sue us for your own mistakes. There are medical kits located in the front and rear of the aircraft. Please DO NOT make me use either one. We have two fire extinguishers on board. One is located in the cockpit. The other is located in the main cabin. To use the fire extinguisher, pull the safety pin, aim at the base of the fire, and squeeze the trigger handles together. Extinguish the fire using a sweeping motion.

Now we know all the one-percenters who fly private typically can’t even wipe their own ass without having to hire someone to do it for them, so I hope everyone’s personal assistants are paying attention because everyone is screwed otherwise.

In the unlikely event that oxygen should become necessary, a mask will fall within your reach. Pull down on the mask firmly to release the pin and place the cup over your nose and mouth and continue to breathe normally. The bag may not fully inflate. However,