Aussie Rules Footy Song Parodies Book 4: Aussie Rules Football, #4

By Greg Tuck

Over the past sixteen years I have been writing parodies of songs to take the mickey out of how seriously Australians take their home-grown sport of Australian rules football. Well known songs from the 50's, sixties, 70's and even the 80's have been the vehicle for my humorous take on what is akin to religion in Australia. I have also poked fun at some other sports in the process. Some over the years have been selected to play on radio as part of a Saturday sporting program. From the songs of Elvis and the Beatles through to Springsteen and Poison I have taken the opportunity to poke fun at some of the antics of individuals, fans and teams who make Australian Rules Football so Aussie. For those of you who are unaware Collingwood, is the most loved team by its fans and the most hated by everyone else. Their fans have been called everything from ferals to bogans and, from my experience, both words are high praise. Enjoy, but be warned you may never sing the original lyrics ever again without a smile on your face.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Greg Tuck
• Release date: Dec 24, 2023
• ISBN: 9798215821893

Greg Tuck

I am a former primary teacher and principal, landscape designer and gardener and now a full time author living in Gippsland in the state of Victoria in Australia. Although I write mainly fictional novels, I regularly contribute to political blogs and have letters regularly published in local and Victorian newspapers. I write parodies of songs and am in the process of writing music for the large number of poems that I have written.

Book preview

Aussie Rules Footy Song Parodies

(and some from other sports)

Book 4

By Greg Tuck

© 2023

The following songs are listed under headings and this book contains parodies. The new lyrics are original and many have been sung on radio as part of the 3MP’s Coodabeen Champions’ Show heard on Friday evenings during footy season in Australia. The best way to read them is to have the song playing in the background via YouTube or similar.

Contents

Injuries

Women’s Football

Coaches

Legends

Fans

Good Old Days

Training

Tribunal

Country Footy

Rules and Umpires

Carlton

Collingwood

Essendon

Geelong

Hawthorn

Melbourne

North Melbourne

Queensland (Brisbane and Gold Coast)

Richmond

South Australia (Adelaide and Port Adelaide)

St Kilda

Sydney (Sydney and Greater Western Sydney)

Western Australia (Eagles and Dockers)

Western Bulldogs (Footscray)

Tasmania

General

Other Sports

Injuries

Back in the U.S.S.R. (Lennon/McCartney) as sung by The Beatles

Didn't see the player coming from the left of me

Picked me off on my blind side

Staggered found and then fell to my knees

My life was flashing before my eyes

He must have hit me that hard

That I dropped the mark, boy

I began to see stars

My jawbone felt like it was out of place

There was blood streaming from my nose

A stretcher was brought out just in case

And a rifle and blanket I suppose.

He must have hit me that hard

That I dropped the mark, boy

I began to

I began to

I began to see stars

The hit had nearly knocked me out

And it was messing with my mind

I saw pink elephants dancing about

As they took me across the bound-bound- bound-boundary line

He must have hit me that hard

That I dropped the mark, boy

I began to see stars

Well the coach didn’t know what he was talking about

Because he said I was fine

The Doc offered morphine to knock me out

While the priest gave me last last last last last rites

Oh, the coach left everyone in no doubt

He wanted me back on again

You should have heard him rant and shout

Cause we had no-one left on the bench

He must have hit me that hard

That I dropped the mark, boy

I began to see stars

Beast of Burden (Richards/Jagger) as sung by Bette Midler

My lactic acid, is really burnin’

My broken leg is certainly hurtin’

Have to get up and then take my free

Beneath my jumper, blood is spurtin’

My throat is dry, my stomach’s churnin’

Have to get up and then take my free

Am I hard enough?

Am I tough enough?

Am I dumb enough?

Well, you just wait and see!

The man with the scythe is nearby lurkin’

Whether I’ll live is not really certain

But all I really know

I have to get up and take my free

Am I hard enough?

Am I tough enough?

Am I dumb enough?

Well, you just wait and see!

In the distance

Things begin to swirl

Things begin to swirl

I start to rise, but only then to fall

Finally I stand up and take the ball

My feet are numb and I start to sway

The goals seem a million miles away

My body hurts so bad, this could be the end

But one straight kick and we could win,

Am I hard enough?

Am I tough enough?

Am I dumb enough?

Well, you just wait and see!

Oh, oh

I’ve got to get my brain workin’

And stop my neck from continually jerkin’

After all I worked hard to win this free

There’s nothing wrong, there’s nothing wrong with me!

‘Cause I’m hard enough

Ooh, yeah. ‘Cause I’m tough enough

Ooh, yeah. ‘Cause I’m dumb enough, dumb enough, dumb enough

Just wait and see! Just wait and see! oh

Wherever You Will Go (Kamin/Band) as sung by The Calling

I’m injured, and wondering

If I will ever resume my place

The latest, huge setback

May have just sealed my fate

Yet another A.C.L.

They say only time will tell

I could be dropped like a stone

Can I face the world alone?

If I could, then I would

But footy’s the only thing I know

Been great highs, but sad lows

And footy’s the only thing I know

I could be, on my way out

But I want to make it back someday

A faint hope, a steep slope

To climb back up to the top of my game

Been a sharp and mighty fall

Just when I thought I had it all

I’m not sure whether the club cares

When they say that it’s all up to you

If I could, then I would

But footy’s the only thing I know

Been great highs, but sad lows

And footy’s the only thing I know

But they say don’t lose heart

But they say don’t lose hope

But they say don’t give up

But right now, don’t know how

I can remain forever strong

A new start, not this time

I wish I could go back in time

If I could, then I would

‘Cause footy’s the only thing I know

Been great highs, but sad lows

And footy’s the only thing I know

If I could turn back time

‘Cause footy’s the only thing I know

The decision’s not mine

‘Cause footy’s the only thing I know

Footy’s the only thing I know

Every Little Bit Hurts (Cobb) as sung by Brenda Holloway, Cilla Black, Shirley Strachan et al

(This is the aftermath of when sitting in the opposition’s cheer squad area, or when there’s a crush at the food court at half-time)

Every part of me hurts

Not sure which bit’s worst

My swollen black eye

Muscles in my thighs

Maybe my out of line spine

My stomped on toes

There’s blood streaming from my nose

And I have lost count

Of the teeth knocked out

It hurts when I breathe

I’ve got shattered knees

Ruptured kidneys

My leg’s broken in two

Done my ankle too

I hope they have

Called an ambulance for me

I can’t go on

I’m in so much pain

Someone help me

A shot of morphine

A blanket and a rifle

‘cause I can’t take any more.

With these injuries, yeah

Every part of me hurts

Not sure which bit’s worst

There’s pain in my groin

Fractured hip joint

Though it’s a shame

I’ll miss some games

I’m beyond caring and swearing

Someone help me

A shot of morphine

A blanket and a rifle

‘cause I can’t take any more.

With these injuries, yeah

Every part of me hurts

Not sure which bit’s worst

Every part of me hurts

Not sure which bit’s worst

Shakin’ All Over (Kidd) as sung by Normie Rowe

When the doc came out, he said when he examined me

"The magic spray is just what you need

Dislocated collar bone

Cartledge shot in your elbow

Shattered and bruised thigh bone

Aching all over"

"I got enormous pain in my kidneys

Can't feel anything below my knees"

So he pulled out his stethoscope

Then shook his head and said, "Nope

The magic spray's your only hope

When you're aching all over"

It was really just a placebo

Now I’ve got post traumatic syndrome

That spray’s put me in a mental home

After he sprayed me all over.

The spray was just fake but it drove me crazy

My body will shake, ‘til I’m pushing up daisies

Oooh. Shake, Shake

Oooh. Shake, Shake

Shakin’ all over

Women’s Football

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun (Lauper) as sung by Cyndi Lauper

Last year no matter how they tried

Sydney Swans women never played in a winning side

But first game this