Aussie Rules Footy Song Parodies Book 3

By Greg Tuck

Over the past two years I have continued writing parodies of songs to take the mickey out of how seriously Australians take their home grown sport of Australian rules football. Many of these have been about the impacts of the Covid pandemic. Well known songs from the 50's, sixties, 70's and even the 80's have been the vehicle for my humorous take on what is akin to religion in Australia. I have also poked fun at some other sports in the process. Some over the years have been selected to play on radio as part of a Saturday sporting program. From the songs of Elvis and the Beatles through to Springsteen and Poison I have taken the opportunity to poke fun at some of the antics of individuals, fans and teams who make Australian Rules Football so Aussie. For those of you who are unaware Collingwood, is the most loved team by its fans and the most hated by everyone else. Their fans have been called everything from ferals to bogans and, from my experience, both words are high praise. Enjoy, but be warned you may never sing the original lyrics ever again without a smile on your face.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Greg Tuck
• Release date: Aug 15, 2021
• ISBN: 9781005133573

Greg Tuck

I am a former primary teacher and principal, landscape designer and gardener and now a full time author living in Gippsland in the state of Victoria in Australia. Although I write mainly fictional novels, I regularly contribute to political blogs and have letters regularly published in local and Victorian newspapers. I write parodies of songs and am in the process of writing music for the large number of poems that I have written.

Book preview

Injuries

The Dying Stockman (Traditional) as sung by Slim Dusty

A strapping young ruckman was lying

Saying he was more alive than dead

He looked at the doctor attending

And before he passed out, he said

"Don’t bring out the rifle and blanket

Just put a splint on my elbow

Move the broken ribs away from my kidneys

And tell the coach I am good to go"

"Try to stop all the places I’m bleeding

Especially from my mouth and my nose

Just ignore my sore broken ankle

And tell the coach I am good to go"

"Don’t tell him I have trouble breathing

That’s something he doesn’t need to know

Give me something to stop how I’m feeling

And tell the coach I am good to go"

"Not worried about the eye I am missing

Lucky that I had two of those

At least I haven’t got concussion

So tell the coach I am good to go"

"I’ve dislocated my collarbone

And I think my left knee is toast

If you sub me I won’t play next week

So tell the coach I am good to go"

The ambulance took him to hospital

The priest there administered last rites

But after the coach came to visit him

He was picked for next Friday night.

Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow (Goffin/King) as sung by The Shirelles/Carole King

Our next game we’ll be defeated

Our ruck stocks have been depleted

That’s right, we won’t have them until the bye

Is there a ruckman we can borrow?

Three have done their hamstrings

One broke a leg when he was dancing

Now our coach sits down and he cries

Is there a ruckman we can borrow?

You may think that I’m joking

We will even take your worstest one

Don’t let the press know that we’ve spoken

For they might (for they might)

Misconstrue what we’ve done

We are desperate down at our club

For anyone with a spare ruck

For just right now, we know that we can’t win

Is there a ruckman we can borrow?

For just right now, we know that we can’t win

Is there a ruckman we can borrow?

Is there a ruckman we can borrow?

Wouldn’t it be Loverly (Lerner/Loewe) from the musical My Fair Lady

He seemed to come from out of nowhere

The bump sent me flying through the air

I saw stars everywhere

Then my legs went wobbly

As trainers gathered all around me

They said that I went as white as a sheet

I tried to get to my feet

Then my legs went wobbly

Oh so wobbly I felt like

A blooming dill

I thought the priest giving last rites was

Really overkill

They brought a blanket so fans couldn't see

The trainer with the rifle really scared me

I quickly got back onto my feet

Even though my legs were wobbly

Wobbly, wobbly, Wobbly, wobbly

The Unicorn (Silverstein) as sung by The Irish Rovers

The injury list is as big as it has been

Each week there are players missing from every team

There’d be shin splints and torn ACL’s

Stress fractures would see you out for a spell

The rules about concussion may see you miss weeks

More for syndesmosis and other injuries

Just when a player seems to be in good form

A dislocated finger or a hamstring torn

In the old days you had the magic spray

And even with a broken leg, you could still play

Now a broken fingernail is all you have to do

To be out for a week or two

The rules about concussion may see you miss weeks

More for syndesmosis and other injuries

Just when a player seems to be in good form

A dislocated finger or a hamstring torn

What is happening in today’s football?

They even close a roof if the rain starts fallin’

Precious little flowers Jack Dyer would say

Who wouldn’t have got a game in his day

The rules about concussion may see you miss weeks

More for syndesmosis and other injuries

Just when a player seems to be in good form

A dislocated finger or a hamstring torn

It seems players need a scan between games

Just in case they have to endure a little pain

In Latin osteo pubis means you can’t play

And Plantar Fasciitis - miss some games

The rules about concussion may see you miss weeks

More for syndesmosis and other injuries

Just when a player seems to be in good form

A dislocated finger or a hamstring torn

Father and Son (Stevens) as sung by Cat Stevens

No-one left on interchange

It's carnage at the Gabba

Two are out with concussion

And there's a dislocated elbow

One's been stretchered from the ground

They think he's done his knee

Or maybe it's his hammy

No-one left to bring on now

In conditions that are greasy

It's a war of attrition that's been going on

Once again, the play has stopped

Just when the Lions were running hot

They might have to finish the game tomorrow

As that's all the umps they've got

Is that the end of the game?

Will they have to finally stop the play?

As there's no-one left to umpire

When footy first began, each captain had a whistle

Maybe that's the way

That they will have to have play go on today

There's still a half to go

Island in the Sun (Belafonte/Burgie) as sung by Harry Belafonte

I’ve been named as medical sub

With a bit of luck I might get a run

Though I love all in my team

I pray to God one will get an injury

Oh, when will my time come

When they’ll activate the medical sub?

I hope and pray it’s early in the game

And not just in the final seconds

If a leg breaks

Or there’s a gouged eye

I’ll be more than satisfied

If someone has a concussion test

I will feel like I’ve been blessed

Oh, when will my time come

When they’ll activate the medical sub?

I hope and pray it’s early in the game

And not just in the final seconds

For me a dislocated knee

Isn’t an enormous tragedy

I just have to hide my smile

And mask the joy that’s in my eyes

Oh, when will my time come

When they’ll activate the medical sub?

I hope and pray it’s early in the game

And not just in the final seconds

It’s tough being the medical sub

Knowing that you might not get a run

You’re not sadistic at all

You just want to play football

Oh, when will my time come

When they’ll activate the medical sub?

I hope and pray it’s early in the game

And not just in the final seconds

California Girls by The Beach Boys

Well, my left broken hip

Was a pain so hard to bear

It was so bad I could barely walk

But the coach didn’t seem to care

He just said that I oughta

Play on ‘til I died

I knew something was quite amiss

When the doc game me last rites

There wasn’t a place somewhere that didn’t hurt

There wasn’t a place somewhere that didn’t

There wasn’t a place somewhere that didn’t hurt

A dislocated collarbone

Matched three fingers on my hand

And below my knees had gone all numb

Making it so hard to stand

Pain messages game from my nerves

Saying everywhere really hurts

Though, the ache in my back was hard to take

The coach said I wasn’t injured

There wasn’t a place somewhere that didn’t hurt

There wasn’t a place somewhere that didn’t

There wasn’t a place somewhere that didn’t hurt

There wasn’t a place somewhere that didn’t hurt

There wasn’t a place somewhere that didn’t

There wasn’t a place somewhere that didn’t hurt

Love Hurts as sung by The Everly Brothers/Nazareth

Cramps hurt, hit hard,

Cramps hit real fast, but fans just laugh

"Not tough or strong enough

To take a lot of pain, get back in the game"

Yells come from the crowd

As you writhe in pain

Cramps hurt…….. ooh, ooh cramps hurt

You’re tough, you know, but even so

When a cramp hits you

There’s nothing you can do

Fans seem to laugh a lot, seem to laugh a lot

They’ve no idea of the pain

That you’ve really got

Cramps hurt…….. ooh, ooh cramps hurt

They yell with indifference,

At your distress, not impressed

With your lack of full fitness

They don’t know how it feels

There’s nothing you can do when they start to boo

You feel like you could die

When a cramp hits you

Cramps hurt…….. ooh, ooh cramps hurt

Ooh, ooh cramps hurt

For Once in my Life by Stevie Wonder

I’m under the knife, I have to have surgery

I hope nothing goes wrong

They say, I can’t play, for at least eight more weeks

Until my knee gets strong

Long days full of rehabilitation

Lots of physio too

And pain to go through

Until it feels like new

Yeah, yeah, yeah (I’m under the knife)

I’m under the knife, because my knee is hurting

Every time I twist and turn (Every time I twist and turn)

They say, the plate and screws they’re inserting

Will be fine when I return (Will be fine when I return)

But I may have some problems at the airport

Hard to explain when caught by Border Force

I’ve been under the knife and stuffed up security

(Stuffed up security)

Hey, hey, hey, hey, yeah

(Stuffed up security)

That major problem, it really concerns me

That could hurt me even more (That could hurt me even more)

Their rubber gloves will see my courage desert me

Just what are they looking for? (Just what are they looking for?)

I’m not keen on a full body examination

Just because I beeped at the X Ray station

Just forget the knife, I’ll play with one bung knee

(Play with one bung knee)

Let’s just forget the knife,

(I’ll keep one bung knee)

Yeah, I’ll keep one bung knee

(I’ll keep one bung knee)

Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again by The Angels

Once was a rising star playing Aussie Rules Football

But injuries are now driving me up the wall

Am I ever gonna play a game again?

Am I ever gonna play a game again?

Got more spare parts than the six-million-dollar man

I say I’ll be back better than old Arnie can

Am I ever gonna play a game again?

Am I ever gonna play a game again?

I’ve set a record for the range of broken bones

Dislocated everything from my shoulders to my toes

Am I ever gonna play a game again?

Am I ever gonna play a game again?

I’ve had surgery to replace both my eyes

But I battle on like Monty Python’s Black Knight

Am I ever gonna play a game again?

Am I ever gonna play a game again?

I rattle when I walk and they’ve removed half my brain

Now my list of injuries is my only claim to fame

Am I ever gonna play a game again?

Am I ever gonna play a game again?

Am I ever gonna play a game again?

Am I ever gonna play a game again?

Everybody Hurts by R.E.M.

I’m lying prone

And my right, my right leg is numb

In my mouth I can taste blood

My teeth, two have gone

Got a busted nose

But I tell them I’m fine

Though my whole body hurts, inside

From my lips comes a moan

As the last rites have begun

Don’t bring the stretcher on (hold on, hold on)

But I let them all know (I’ll play on)

Out at Footscray they breed us tough

So I’ll fight, to stay on

Though my whole body hurts

I'll play on till the end

My whole body hurts

Can hardly stand, oh no

Can hardly stand…………

Heartbreak Hotel by Elvis Presley

The doctor looked at my left knee

And checked my right one as well

The pain I’d got could only be

I’d done my ACL

Surgery and recovery, and I’d

Miss the finals

All of the finals, I could cry

Deep inside I shouted

As I threw off my boots

This year had been a struggle

Now it was down the chute

Surgery and recovery, and I’d

Miss the finals

All of the finals, I could cry

Soon the tears started flowin’

I got some pats on the back

The medical sub looked at me gleefully

I wanted to give him a whack

Surgery and recovery, and I’d

Miss the finals

All of the finals, I could cry

Some knew what I was going through

It was a kind of personal hell

I’d be out for at least ten weeks

Because of my ACL

Surgery and recovery, and I’d

Miss the finals

All of the finals, I could cry

Tragedy by The Bee Gees

Out of time

To play in the very first round

Half the side

Might take weeks before they get on the ground

They’re laid low

With hamstrings and broken bones

Some are battered and bruised

New recruits

On debut, join the crew (with)

Injuries

Start of the season some are gone

With injuries

Before the game, once again

Some aren’t there

They watch on from intensive care

Injuries

It’s out of control, the season’s blown

From injuries

Before the game, once again

Some aren’t there

They watch on from intensive care

The first game

The ruckman dislocates his knee

The coach fumes

He can’t believe what he sees

Down he goes

Hurting himself when he smashed the phone

He’s off to hospital too

Yelling abuse

He’s on the news, on the news

Injuries

Start of the season some are gone

With injuries

Before the game, once again

Some aren’t there

They watch on from intensive care

Injuries

It’s out of control, the season’s blown

From injuries

Before the game, once again

Some aren’t there

They watch on from intensive care

Women’s Football

You’re My World by Cilla Black

Magpie girls, really know how to play

Magpie girls, try to win ev’ry game

They proudly wear the colours, black and white

And rejoice in being called the Pies

These girls on the ground are no mugs

Though their fans maybe parolees and thugs (who)

From the stands, cheer on their side

And sing the club song with pride

Magpie girls, really know how to play

Magpie girls, try to win ev’ry game

They are so good at footy

They’d make mincemeat of the boy’s team

Coaches

Shake Rattle and Roll by Bill Haley and the Comets

Get outta the backline, kick it as far as you can

Get outta the backline, kick it as far as you can

Well, you go up the middle, that’s the only plan

He said, "Up, the guts to goal,

He said, "Up, the guts to goal,

He said, "Up, the guts to goal,

He said, "Up, the guts to goal,

Well, if you won't do it my way

God help your bloody soul"

Don’t want you to think, just get out there and do

Don’t go sideways, don’t try anything new

If you stuff it up, I’ll have a piece of you

He said, "Up, the guts to goal,

He said, "Up, the guts to goal,

He said, "Up, the guts to goal,

He said, "Up, the guts to goal,

Well, if you won't do it my way

God help your bloody soul"

That was the instructions for Kennedy’s Commandoes

That was the instructions for Kennedy’s Commandoes

He’d yell at them in his old gaberdine coat

He said, "Up, the guts to goal,

He said, "Up, the guts to goal,

He said, "Up, the guts to goal,

He said, "Up, the guts to goal,

Well, if you won't do it my way

God help your bloody soul"

When You Walk into the Room (de Shannon) as sung by The Searchers

I can tell by the expression, on his face

There’s about to be an explosion, taking place

The fuse is lit and will go off very soon

At half time as the coach, walks in the room

I look away and pray that I’m not in the gun

And I see the same look on everyone

It becomes as silent as an empty tomb

At half time as the coach, walks in the room

And there’s nothing you can do

When he fixes his eyes on you

You wither beneath his evil glare

Wetting yourself is not that rare

On his neck you can see those pulsating veins

They’d be even worse if we were losing the game

Thunderous noise as he lowers the boom

At half time as the coach, walks in the room

At half time as the coach, walks in the room

Everlasting Love (Cason/Gayden) by Love Affair

Kicks go astray, and the fans let you know

They have their say, telling you where to go

The fans won’t forget, the coach is telling you

Next week they’ll expect, you’ll be all in the Magoos

Just keep your eyes, focused on the prize;

Don’t you realise, it’s an eight-point game

Don’t let it slide, show some guts and pride

The eight is open wide, it’s an eight-point game

Gotta play your part, show a bit of heart

Time to play smart, it’s an eight-point game"

The coach ranted on forever

The coach ranted on forever

Ooh, ooh.

Don’t give up the ghost, the scores are still close

There’s a quarter to go, it’s an eight-point game

There’s still lots of time, forget the boundary line,

Kick it down the spine, it’s an eight-point game

Make space on the ground, we can turn this around

Before the siren sounds, it’s an eight-point game"

The coach ranted on forever

The coach ranted on forever

Ooh, ooh.

"Just keep your eyes, focused on the prize;

Don’t you realise, it’s an eight-point game"

Don’t let it slide, show some guts and pride

The eight is open wide, it’s an eight-point game

Gotta play your part, show a bit of heart

Time to play smart, it’s an eight-point game……….."

Arkansas Grass (Cadd/Mudie) as sung by Axiom

Oooh-hooo-oo

Oooh-hooo-oo

When another defender fell over once more

The opposition found that it was easy to score

And they found they could simply waltz into goal

It was happening to everyone in our side

We start off chasing and then on the grass we would slide

And our opponents would simply waltz into goal

It was sending our coach round the bend

The bootstudder was blamed once again

But he could only do what was asked

For it was the coach who had checked the grass

Goals, goals from moulded soles that left us lying on the grass

Goals, goals from moulded soles that left us lying on the grass

Once again

Oooh-hooo-oo

Oooh-hooo-oo

Suppose we should have used long stops instead

We all thought it, but nothing was said

For no-one of us dare question the coach’s role

At quarter time we all stared at our feet

New boots came out but by then we were beat

But all of us were amazed when we finally goaled

It had been sending our coach round the bend

The bootstudder was blamed once again

But he could only do what was asked

For it was the coach who had checked the grass

Goals, goals from moulded soles that left us lying on the grass

Goals, goals from moulded soles that left us lying on the grass

Once again

Damn that slippery grass

Damn that slippery grass

Damn that slippery grass

Damn that slippery grass

Damn that slippery grass

Day after Day by Badfinger

Do you remember those press conferences too?

Every time, those old clichés were used

We’re just taking I like we always do, game by-y game

We’re just glad that we made it through

A win was overdue

There’s no team that are easybeats

‘We prepare no differently every week"

We’re trying to keep a lid on it, game by-y game

Lots of depth down there in the twos

A win was overdue

Very slowly we’ll improve, game by-y game

You don’t play finals, not in June

A win was overdue

Do you remember those press conferences too?

Every time, those old clichés were used

We’re just taking I like we always do, game by-y game

We’re just glad that we made it through

A win was overdue

You Weren’t in Love with Me by Billy Field

(About Nathan Buckley’s mid-season resignation)

Standing on the sidelines, he doesn’t know what he’s going to do

But he does know, just one thing; with Collingwood he was through

Perhaps he shouldn’t have said, which side that he, was on

It wasn’t, the smartest thing, he has ever done

Blind Freddy knew that, a blind man could see

You’re safe if you are winning, and you can’t blame the team

Did he see it coming, his final days, with the Pies

The boardroom, kerfuffle, surely added to his demise

Blind Freddy knew that, a blind man could see

You’re safe if you are winning, and you can’t blame the team

Will he move to Carlton?

Will he move to Carlton?

Pie fans will boo

Will he move to Carlton?

Will he move to Carlton?

What will he do?

So now he’s standing on the sidelines, he doesn’t know what he’s going to do

But he does know just one thing; with Collingwood he was through

Blind Freddy knew that, a blind man could see

You’re safe if you are winning, and you can’t blame the team

Blind Freddy knew that, yes he knew it

A blind man could see, yes he could, yes he could

You’re safe if you are winning, and you can’t blame the team

Can You Feel it Baby by Blue Mink/Sherbet

Can you feel it Buckley, can you feel the fans’ mood?

Do you see it Buckley that your message’s not understood?

Do you sense frustration and the knives drawn behind?

That you are in a rebuild and your star’s in decline

Coach under fire because so few games have been won

Coach under fire because he can’t the job done

Even so-o-oh, even so-o-oh

You should fear it Buckley, the full backing of the board

Those words mean Buckley, that you’ll be shown the door

The sad realisation just can’t be denied

And people can’t say that you didn’t try

Ever so-o-oh, even so-o-woh-woh

Coach under fire because so few games have been won

Coach under fire because he can’t the job done

Four Seasons in One Day by Crowded House

"Four quarters in one game"

Among the team it caused much consternation

"Two are gone and two to go"

That’s all he said and didn’t even bother to explain

He thought it would work a charm

Thinking that all he had to say

Was Four quarters in one game

We were over forty points down

There were so other many things he could say

To try to turn our game around

No-one knew what he meant,

It was profound but said nothing

Not like Kennedy’s Do something

Then he said it once again

"Four quarters in one game"

Confused us

Lame brains, lame brains

"Add it up

There’s four quarters in one game"

There were no other game directions

For us to try instead

We would surely lose the game if we carried on this way

But all he had to say

Was Four quarters in one game

Confused us

Lame brains, lame brains

"Add it up

There’s four quarters in one game"

I’ll Never Fall in Love Again by Dionne Warwick

What do you get when the coach calls you up?

It surely is a sign of trouble

You know he’s going to burst your bubble

Might never get a game again

Might never get a game