Barracking from the Sidelines: The Songs Book 1

By Greg Tuck

Politics in Australia offers up some very strange characters who become even stranger when elected. This book contains parodies of well-known songs about the weird antics that they get up to and the awkward positions they find themselves in. There has been a revolving door on Prime Ministers. Cabinet ministers seem to forget their oaths of office, and ministerial responsibility disappeared long ago. Australian politicians leave themselves wide open for criticism and ridicule. This book, along with the other books in the series, shines a light on some of the important events on the Australian political stage since 2014.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Greg Tuck
• Release date: Dec 9, 2023
• ISBN: 9798215651056

Greg Tuck

I am a former primary teacher and principal, landscape designer and gardener and now a full time author living in Gippsland in the state of Victoria in Australia. Although I write mainly fictional novels, I regularly contribute to political blogs and have letters regularly published in local and Victorian newspapers. I write parodies of songs and am in the process of writing music for the large number of poems that I have written.

Book preview

THE SONGS

To the tune of Me and Bobby McGee as sung by Janis Joplin about the then Speaker’s helicopter flight for non-parliamentary business (2015)

Running late from Flemington, no time for a train

Bronnie caught a chopper down to the sea

Now she’s lost the Speaker’s job, ‘cause she couldn’t explain

Just what the age of entitlement means

She composed herself and assumed her normal manner

She didn’t think she’d be front page news

As the miles went whipping by, she looked down from up high

For her this was nothing new

Privilege is just another word for having the right to choose

Something that’s for nothing is right for Queen B, now because now.

Sit back and take it easy, Bron, when you break the rules

Going first class is good enough when free

Good enough when free for Speaker Queen B

To the tune of Love and Other Bruises as sung by Air Supply about the issue of the child abuse and the church (2016)

As George Pell starts pointing fingers

He’s acting far too slow

Better if he practises what he preaches

And tells us what he knows

Now he denies the real truth

Even faced with gospel truth

Thugs and other bruisers and child sex abusers

And other paedophiles crushing children’s smiles

Thugs and other bruisers and child sex abusers

Are devils in disguise, hiding behind the churches’ lies

Orphans without a home

Were trapped and all alone

There was nothing they could do

But deal with it on their own

Now he denies the real truth

Even faced with gospel truth

To the tune of In the Ghetto as sung by Elvis Presley as a tribute to those courageous people in Cobargo (2020)

Through the smoke haze,

As he arrived in a town that was burnin’ the PM is given what for

In Cobargo

As the anger burned,

The PM drove off with great speed

His handshakes are not what they need

In Cobargo

Scotty, don’t you understand, you’re s’posed to be in command

A photo op is just not okay

Take a look at the firies, they are where they need to be

They can’t afford to turn their heads and simply run away

While the country burns,

From bushfires out of control. Apologise and help those souls, In Cobargo

As the bushfires burn

And flames rise up in the night people continued to put up a helluva fight,

In Cobargo

The locals were caught in consternation that you rocked up that day

They spoke their views. You hid in your car. On the news we saw what you are.

It was no surprise.

The public are fuming and don’t understand

They expect you to lead, not be so offhand

In Cobargo

They’re still ringed by fire,

And the country's in mourning

And we’re so proud of all those Aussies

In Cobargo

Who you left high and dry?

To the tune of Hallelujah as sung by Leonard Cohen about the plebiscite that Australians had to complete so that Equal Rights for Marriage could go ahead. (2017)

You may want to marry but you have no rights

As a sop they offer a plebiscite

But with it comes abuse directed to ya

Opponents will soon vent their spleen

And spoil all your marriage dreams

Status quo is the go in Australia

That’s their mantra

For Australia

That’s their mantra

For Australia

It won’t matter what the voters say

It’s non-binding anyway

Just a gesture offered to you

The pollies seem to be opting out

Divide and conquer’s what it’s all about

This will be unlike other referenda

Homophobia’s

Rife in Australia

Homophobia’s

Rife in Australia

To the tune of In the Ghetto as sung by Elvis Presley about Scott Morrison’s leadership prior to Christmas (2019)

As the smoke haze,

Blots out the sky on a Sydney mornin’

Our PM’s got better things to do

In Oahu

As the nation burns,

The PM jets off with great speed

A holiday is just what he needs

In Oahu

Scotty, don’t you understand,

You are the one in command

Now’s not the right time to take a holiday

Take a look at the fireys,

They are where they need to be

They can’t afford to turn their heads and simply run away

While the country burns,

From bushfires out of control

You should do your part, play a role,

Not in Oahu

As the bushfires burn

And red flames rise up in the night

People continue to put up a helluva fight,

Far from Oahu

The public’s caught in consternation that you’re on holiday

Sipping drinks, haunting bars,

Don’t you think, about where you are

While the country dies

The public are fuming and don’t understand

They expect you to lead, not with a drink in your hand

In Oahu

As they’re ringed by fires

On a hot smoky summer morning

The PM flies in to be met with scorn,

Back from Oahu

Too late we cry

To the tune of Ballroom Blitz as sung by The Sweet about when The Federal Liberal Party Parliamentarians dumped Malcolm Turnbull in August 2018. Peter Dutton challenged egged on by the formerly dumped Tony Abbott only for Scott Morrison to be elected after Mathias Cormann didn’t get the count right in his head and switched allegiances. Deputy PM Julie Bishop was sidelined.

Are you ready Pete? Uh-huh

Tony? Yeah

Scott? Okay

Alright fellas, let's go!

"Well Mal you’ve been doing it hard

You’ve been behind the polls for over thirty weeks

It’s time for another change

It’s clear that you just can’t compete

Oh, so it’s knives in the back in an all-out attack

Looks like your days are done

Mathias isn’t in your corner, we thought we’d warn you

Hope he’s not who you’re counting on"

Oh yeah. We like in-fighting

And all the back biting

It is not a new thing

It’s what we like doing

Yeah, yeah, yeah-yeah-yeah

So, it’s knives in the back in an all-out attack

Saying we’d back you to the hilt

And Bishop’s in the corner, didn’t want to warn her

That we’d back you to the hilt

To the hilt, to the hilt, to the hilt, to the hilt

You must be good for something

But as our leader you won’t do

Your time as PM’s over

It’s time to pull the plug on you

So, it’s knives in the back in an all-out attack

Time for you to say goodbye

And Bishop’s in the corner, didn’t want to warn her

‘Cause she’d kill you with her death stare eyes

Oh yeah! It’s a correction

For the next election

It is time that you were leaving

No-one here will be grieving

Yeah, yeah, yeah-yeah-yeah

So, it’s knives in the back in an all-out attack

Saying we’d back you to the hilt

And Bishop’s in the corner, didn’t want to warn her

That we’d back you to the hilt

To the hilt, to the hilt, to the hilt, to the hilt

Oh yeah. We like in-fighting

And all the back biting

It is not a new thing

It’s what we like doing

Yeah, yeah, yeah-yeah-yeah

So, it’s knives in the back in an all-out attack

Saying we’d back you to the hilt

And Bishop’s in the corner, didn’t want to warn her

That we’d back you to the hilt

To the hilt, to the hilt, to the hilt, to the hilt

Right, right up to the hilt

Right, right up to the hilt

Right, right up to the hilt

Right, right up to the hilt

To the tune of Beds Are Burning as sung by Midnight Oil about the smoke haze from the bushfires (2020)

Our cities shrouded in smoke

Deputy PM just says it’s woke

And climate change is just for lefties

But we bake in forty degrees

We choke on smoke, that fills the air

The government won’t, do its share

The time’s well past, for us to act

The future looks, exceedingly black

We’ve reached the point of no returning

How do we sleep while our forests are burning?

We’ve reached the point of no returning

How do we sleep while our forests are burning?

We choke on smoke, that fills the air

The government won’t, do its share…

To the tune of My Favourite Things Rodgers and Hammerstein II about possible leaning on the NSW Police Commissioner by the PM (2019)

Doing favours for friends not forgotten

Doesn’t matter if they’re good or they’re rotten

Brown paper packages tied up with strings

That’s the reward for doing those things

Change the course of an investigation

At the request of the leader of the nation

When asked, just deny everything

And get a reward for doing those things

Hide the misdeeds of a boy called Angus

Tell others to forget that someone rang us

Make up a joke and offer a grin

Saying that you didn’t say anything

Put the bins out

Bring them back in

That’s what neighbours do

Just remember to deny everything

And there’s something in it for you

To the tune of Breaking Up is Hard to Do as sung by Neil Sedaka about Brexit (2019)

Do do do

Down dooby doo down down

Comma, comma, down dooby doo down down

Comma, comma, down dooby doo down down

Brexiting is hard to do

We made a mistake, it’s plain to see

Please accept our apology

It’s something we’ve come to rue

'Cause Brexiting is hard to do

Though we’ve finally, seen the light

Boris won’t give up without a fight

So, we’ve got an election too

Because Brexiting is hard to do

They say that Brexiting is hard to do

Now we know

We know that it's true

Don't say that this is the end

Instead of Brexiting can we start all over again

We beg of you don't say goodbye

Can't you give us one more try?

Come on, Europe, let's start anew

'Cause Brexiting is hard to do

They say that Brexiting is hard to do

Now we know

We know that it's true

Don't say that this is the end

Instead of Brexiting can we start all over again

We beg of you don't say goodbye

Can't you give us one more try?

Come on, Europe, let's start anew

'Cause Brexiting is hard to do

Comma, comma, down dooby doo down down

Comma, comma, down dooby doo down down

Comma, comma, down dooby doo down down

Comma, comma, down dooby doo down

To the tune of Fire and Rain as sung by James Taylor about the drought (2018)

You know every morning, there is nothing but sun

God damn, not a cloud on the horizon too.

Despite all our efforts, all our feed has now gone

And the politicians say there’s nothing they can do

We’re in drought, years with no rain.

Upstream the water’s been syphoned off again

And photo ops with pollies won’t break that trend

It’s about time the Nats were on our side again

I’d like to give them the Bejesus, they’ve forgotten us on the land

Their mates have stockpiled the water for a rainy day

It’s now we need it, but they don’t understand.

Cotton farming companies have won the day

We’re in drought, years with no rain.

Upstream the water’s been syphoned off again

And photo ops with pollies won’t break that trend

It’s about time the Nats were on our side again

Land clearing all the time is such a crime,

It leaves the ground baking in the sun

God knows when the hot wind blows,

There’s no soil left on the ground

We spend hours of time on the telephone line

Hoping things will be done

Planning teams and buy back schemes

Won’t turn this drought around

We’re in drought, years with no rain.

Upstream the water’s been syphoned off again

And photo ops with pollies won’t break that trend

It’s about time the Nats were on our side again.

To the tune of the Gambler as sung by Kenny Rogers about Labor's self-examination post-election (2019)

They study mind reading, and crystal ball gazing

They play with tarot cards, and are good with tea leaves

They foretell the future, by using necromancy

And there’s palms and star signs, that they choose to read

They seem to tell everything, by who holds all the aces,

And knowin' what’s in their minds, by the way they hold their eyes.

I hear they check entrails, for affirming traces

And use a Ouija Board, to add more insight

When you hear they're all knowing, your mind goes slowly hollow

And you wonder where they got their, mystic second sight

They’ve used clairvoyance, and come to a decision

Some say Bill's to blame, and maybe they are right

Policies have been sold out, because of what's unfolded

Policies are a blank canvas, while people rage and vent

Labor may wither away, caused by too much harping

All this self-examination, ain't worth