The Phantom Ghost of a Sunflower

By Courtney Mulholland

My heart, mind and soul come together in this book to express the words, the stories and feelings I could never say out loud. So these are the stories I never told, the words I wish I’d said when I had the chance.

It’s time for these stories to finally be told.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Austin Macauley Publishers
• Release date: Dec 8, 2023
• ISBN: 9781398472556

Courtney Mulholland

Courtney spends most of her time internalising her trauma, but eventually she put pen to paper and began to write about her own experiences. Courtney dealt with a lot of struggles, but finally found salvation when she began to write about her past. Her hope is that, one day, she can help at least one person who is struggling to feel less alone.

Book preview

About the Author

Courtney spends most of her time internalising her trauma, but eventually she put pen to paper and began to write about her own experiences. Courtney dealt with a lot of struggles, but finally found salvation when she began to write about her past. Her hope is that, one day, she can help at least one person who is struggling to feel less alone.

Dedication

To my uncle David, the greatest hero I’ve ever known.

This is for every person in my life who showed me how to be strong.

This one is for every hero, big and small, and everyone who needs to know they aren’t alone.

Thank you, for giving me someone to believe in, people to look up to. Voices of power, both strong and feminine.

Voices I can relate to, and a hero to root for and can believe in.

Copyright Information ©

Courtney Mulholland 2023

The right of Courtney Mulholland to be identified as author of this work has been asserted by the author in accordance with sections 77 and 78 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior permission of the publishers.

Any person who commits any unauthorised act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages.

A CIP catalogue record for this title is available from the British Library.

ISBN 9781398472549 (Paperback)

ISBN 9781398472556 (ePub e-book)

www.austinmacauley.com

First Published 2023

Austin Macauley Publishers Ltd®

1 Canada Square

Canary Wharf

London

E14 5AA

Acknowledgment

I would like to thank everyone at Austin Macauley, for giving me the opportunity to live my dreams, for taking a chance on me, and making this book a reality.

Thank you to my parents. Lesley and Darren Mulholland, for giving me my voice, my courage, my strength, and everything I ever needed to have the life I needed. Thank you for teaching me how to use my voice not just to speak, but to scream louder than those who tried to silence me

Without you both, this book would not be possible.

Thank you to Danielle Jackson, my love, my other half, my shoulder to cry on, and my safe place to land. Thank you for believing me when I didn’t believe in myself, for loving me when I couldn’t love myself, and for being my shelter from every storm.

Man Down

I have an uncle

A king among men

A soldier stood tall

Way back then.

This brave, strong man

Everything he taught us

We watched like adoring fans.

He loves his daughters and son

With him around

They never stopped having fun

He loves his grandson, his nieces and nephews

He is engraved in all our hearts

Very much like a tattoo.

My uncle the soldier

The man who cherished us all

And watched over us

As we grew older.

My uncle the soldier

He walked tall and proud

While he held the world

On his shoulders.

My uncle the soldier

The king among men

He kept us warm

As it grew colder

Now we stand tall

And say man down

We will cherish his memories

Of way back when

We make sure he keeps his crown

My uncle, the king among men

Broken Wolf

I’m just a little broken wolf

With nothing much to do

I sit alone in my room

And howl quietly at the moon.

I sit so still

And try to stay quiet while

Watching the stars

Twinkle at will.

When the moon fades away

The wolf does too

And in the end all that is left

Is a broken girl howling at the moon

Wishing she could fade away too.

Little Wolf

Run, run little wolf

Keep running till

You reach home.

When the moon

Goes down little wolf

You’re going to turn

Into nothing but stone.

When the moon goes away

The little girl inside

Will come out to play.

You cannot stay like this forever

You need to be a girl again

I know you don’t want to

But you need to face the pain.

Just a Broken Girl

Wrapped up tightly

In her fragile way

Broken wolf.

A lonely princess

Castle in chaos

World fallen into a mess.

You can stop the chaos

And clean the mess

You cannot fix

The broken princess.

You can try to fix the world

And wrap it up neatly in

A pretty little bow

But you cannot give back

The broken girl.

Can You?

Can you see me?

Am I drowned out in the crowd?

Or am I drowning in the sea?

Can you hear me?

Am I lost out in the noise?

Or is everything else too loud?

Can you save me?

Should I run and flee?

Or is there someone more important around?

Can you hold me?

Am I too broke for you to see?

Or am I supposed to end up alone?

2 am

It’s 2 am and I’m wide awake

I can’t sleep you see

My doctor, she gave me pills

But they don’t really help.

It’s 2 am and I can’t sleep

Sad songs playing low

On my phone

In just lying here

Staring at my ceiling

A very lonely feeling.

It’s 2 am and

I’m done

I’m done trying

I’m done living

While I feel like a dying.

It’s 2 am and my love is only

A phone call away but

I can’t ring them because

I don’t know what to say.

"Hey, it’s 2 am but I