Embracing the Autism Spectrum: Finding Joy & Hope Navigating the NeuroDiver: A faith integrated guide from personal and professional experience

By Rev. Dr. Stephanie C. Holmes, Rev. Dan Holmes, Sydney Holmes and Erica Holmes

In 'Embracing the Autism Spectrum: Finding Joy & Hope Navigating the NeuroDiverse Family Journey,' Dr. Stephanie C. Holmes invites readers on a transformative journey into the realm of neurodiversity. Whether you're a family living with autism, an educator seeking to enhance your inclusive practices, or a dedicated advocate, this book offers invaluable insights and strategies to promote healthy neurodiverse marriages and families.

Drawing from her background as a former licensed professional counselor (LPC), an ordained minister, an author, and a certified autism specialist, Dr. Holmes weaves a narrative that bridges the gap between personal experience and professional expertise. She earned her bachelor's degree in psychology from Campbell University, her Master's in counseling from Liberty University, and her doctorate in education from Abilene Christian University, equipping her with a deep understanding of the complexities of neurodiversity.

As a mother whose world shifted when her daughter Sydney was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome, Dr. Holmes transitioned from a thriving marriage and family therapy practice to a mission of advocating for neurodiverse individuals. This book encapsulates her journey, offering practical guidance for families moving from merely surviving to thriving.

'Embracing the Autism Spectrum' is not only a resource for families but also an eye-opening guide for educators and Christian leaders. Dr. Holmes and her family shed light on the unique challenges and complexities that neurodiverse families face, enabling educators and leaders to serve every member of their communities more effectively and inclusively.
Throughout the book, readers will find hindsight learning, spiritual devotion, and moments of reflection to assess their own journeys. Dr. Holmes' wealth of knowledge, coupled with her heartfelt commitment to autism advocacy, provides a beacon of hope and understanding for anyone touched by neurodiversity. This is the first book of its kind to share autism and faith from each family member's perspective!

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Nov 3, 2023
• ISBN: 9798350924374

Book preview

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Copyright Page

Published by Autism Spectrum Resources for Marriage & Family, LLC

© 2023 Stephanie C. Holmes & Dan Holmes

All Rights Reserved

Printed in the United States of America

Print ISBN: 979-8-35092-436-7

eBook ISBN: 979-8-35092-437-4

Unless otherwise indicated, scripture quotations are from the ESV® Bible (The Holy Bible, English Standard Version®), copyright © 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Although the stories in this book are true, some names have been changed or omitted to protect the privacy of individuals.

Front and back cover design: Callie Revell

Copy Editing: BookBaby

Book Coaching: MessageLaunchProgram/Made for More

Sydney & Erica’s Writing Coach & Creative Consultant: Jeremy Rochford

Cover photo: Sears Portrait Studios

Back Cover photo: Jonathan Mauney

End of Chapter Devotional Thoughts: Dan Holmes

About the Authors

Stephanie C. Holmes was formerly a licensed professional counselor (LPC) in the state of NC. She received her bachelor’s degree in psychology from Campbell University, her Master’s in counseling from Liberty University and her doctorate in education from Abilene Christian University. She is an ordained minister, author, autism researcher, speaker, and certified autism specialist. When Sydney was diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome, her world and focus changed from a thriving marriage and family therapy practice to a world of Individualized Education Programs, 504 educational plans, and understanding how to help students and individuals with challenges and needs in the classroom and the church setting. Today, she pulls from personal as well as professional experience to focus on neurodiverse marriages and family systems. She is the owner and founder of Autism Spectrum Resources for Marriage & Family, LLC, and she and Dan are co-founders of The International Association of NeuroDiverse Christian Marriage, LLC and the podcast NeuroDiverse Christian Couples.

Dan Holmes is a seasoned leader with a rich background in systems architecture, design, and consulting. He received his bachelor’s degree in management information systems from The University of Charlotte (UNCC at the time), and his Masters in computer science through The Georgia Institute of Technology (GT). In addition to his technical roles, he is a professional coach who guides Neurodivergent men, helping them harness their unique potential in personal and professional spheres. These dual roles allow him to integrate innovative thinking with empathy, fostering a culture of understanding and driving holistic growth. Dan is an ordained minister, Master Life Coach, and has served in church ministry through band ministry, small group leadership and board leadership. He received his own identification on the spectrum in 2019 and is a co-founder with Stephanie to The International Association of NeuroDiverse Christian Marriage, LLC and their podcast, NeuroDiverse Christian Couples.

Sydney Holmes was diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome at the age of 6, then reassessed in her teens with Autism, Level 1. She has not let her diagnosis become a crutch or an excuse to prevent her from achieving her goals in life. Sydney graduated with her bachelor’s degree in history and minored in education. She graduated with her Master of Arts in Public History and Post Baccalaureate in Museum Studies in 2022. She has since moved to the Midwest and landed a job in the museum field, which is just the latest and greatest on her impressive museum resume. Sydney hopes her story will inspire others in the autism community to reach their goals. Sydney is passionate about human trafficking awareness and promoting the rescuing of trafficking victims through her soap making ministry, Simple Suds by Syd, where she raises funds to give toward Project Rescue. She loves all things history and cats, especially her new emotional support kitten, Piper.

Erica Holmes is a student and soon to be graduate of Lee University (2023) with a double major in Spanish and TESOL (teaching English as a second language) with a minor in linguistics. Erica is passionate about her friends, family and building community. She is focused on giving opportunities to people who are often overlooked and educating others on breaking poverty cycles through education and language resources. She has participated in translating a special edition of Exceptional Needs Today into Spanish as a translator and copy editor. She is looking forward to traveling the world and having new hiking adventures with her soon to be husband.

Through over twenty-five years of pastoral ministry, I have journeyed with a number of couples in the challenges of infertility as well as developmental issues with their children. Each issue can be an overwhelming challenge to the faint of heart and the weary. However, I have rarely dealt with families who have encountered both challenges, yet I am privileged to have witnessed the grace of God in the life of the Holmes family as they overcame each of these issues with strength and dignity. Please understand that overcoming does not necessarily mean a fairytale ending. Instead, overcoming allows someone to arrive at a place where they can say with the old hymn of the church, It is well with my soul. I am confident that as you read this book, the same God who held the Holmes family within His grip of grace will be felt in your heart as well. Take hope and courage from the account of a real family as you see yourself in their struggle to make sense of the difficulties of life.

Pastor, Dr. Mark Merrill

The Holmes Pastor from Charlotte, NC

Former Georgia District Superintendent for the Assemblies of God. 

Current Lead Pastor of Visalia First, Visalia, CA

Embracing the Autism Spectrum: Finding Hope & Joy Navigating the NeuroDiverse Family Journey is a must-read for EVERY family with a child with special needs. You will laugh, cry, be angry, and be happy all at once as you can relate as Dr. Stephanie and Dan let you behind the curtain of their life and help you realize that YOU ARE NOT ALONE! I love the fact that you get to hear the perspective of a mom AND a dad and how that affected each of them. Having Erica share her journey was a huge blessing which allows you to better know how to help your neurotypical kids that are siblings. I loved Sydney being open and transparent about sharing her story and where she is now! As a parent of a child with special needs myself, I highly recommend this book to everyone! The fact that 26% of the US population today has a disability or special needs means that EVERYONE really knows someone who is affected, and this book will help you understand their world and know how you can be more supportive to families with special needs/disabilities. Let’s transform lives together through this book! Thank you, Dr Stephanie, Dan, Sydney, and Erica, for your transparency and willingness to help others understand! Love you all!

Stephen Doc Hunsley, M.D.

Executive Director/Founder SOAR Special Needs

Embracing the Autism Spectrum: Finding Hope & Joy Navigating the NeuroDiverse Family Journey is a gift to any parent who has ever felt alone on this journey. We are reminded of God’s love and steadfast presence in our lives as well as the comfort of knowing we are walking a path many other families continue to travel. This is an honest and intimate account of how a diagnosis can alter your expectations of the world and yet help you see more clearly. Any family that has a member with a neurodivergent diagnosis will find refuge in these pages.

Jeanetta Bryant

Founder/CEO

Abilities Workshop, Inc.

Dr. Stephanie, Dan, Sydney & Erica remind us that our stories carry hope, and her family’s story is worth sharing for that reason alone. It is not easy to lay aside a professional veneer and share the reality of your story respectfully, sensitively, and honestly about all involved. Dr. Stephanie’s frankness is refreshing as she shares the impact of others looking the other way upon her daughter’s life. This book voices the Holmes family’s story about parenting a daughter with autism and how they became carriers of hope to others in similar situations. A must-read for anyone who cares!

Leisa Williams, M.Ed.

Author: Hope Wins - A Mothers Hope-filled Story for Her Autistic Son When the World Saw Only Hopelessness

Our Christian schools and churches should represent the model our public schools and institutions emulate in welcoming and including children and adults with the full spectrum of disabilities or differences. Stephanie, Dan, Sydney and Erica Holmes inspire the Christian community to do better through sharing their family’s story. God is using their experiences as a comfort and encouragement to families impacted by autism and a catalyst for better ministry with neurodivergent individuals.

Stephen Grcevich, MD

President and Founder, Key Ministry

Author of Mental Health and the Church: A Ministry Handbook for Including Children and Adults with ADHD, Anxiety, Mood Disorders, and Other Common Mental Health Conditions

As the parent of a special needs child, I have always spoken about how the unique challenges this journey can create problems and situations that parents of typical children cannot necessarily relate to. But even more so, the challenges that we face are exacerbated on all levels, so every aspect of our lives, in our marriages, our finances and even our faith, are constantly under pressure. In this book, Dr. Stephanie Holmes, Dan, Sydney and Erica in, Embracing the Autism Spectrum: Finding Joy & Hope navigating the NeuroDiverse Family System, do a remarkable job of highlighting all of these, demonstrating how these struggles can permeate all levels of our lives. With great transparency, they detail their family’s story, not only to highlight the common threads that unite us, but also show the incredible ways God worked through their family and provided hope and rescue when least expected. I highly recommend this book for any parent or family of special needs, especially those who need a fervent reminder of God’s promises to all of us.

John Felageller

Ministry Relations Manager (Joni and Friends Illinois)

Special Needs Father and Advocate

Embracing the Autism Spectrum: Finding Hope & Joy Navigating the NeuroDiverse Family Journey offers practical knowledge, parenting strategies, biblical insight and encouragement for the journey ahead. I have had the opportunity to collaborate with Dr. Stephanie and Dan on other projects and am confident this resource will be an invaluable guide.

Eric Scalise, PhD, LPC, LMFT

Senior Vice President and Chief Strategy Officer

for Hope for the Heart

I am honored that Dr. Stephanie asked me to review this book. I found myself reading the entire book and literally laughed, cried, raged, and rejoiced for Stephanie and her family. This is a must read for every Christian family who has a special needs child, especially on the autism spectrum. I give my highest recommendation both clinically and spiritually for this book.

F.G. Hutchings III, Ed.D.., LPC, LMFT

Licensed Psychologist

Dedication and Acknowledgements

First, we dedicate this book to our Lord and Savior for never giving up on us as individuals or a family. We are thankful for giving us each grace, hope, strength, and wisdom as we walked this journey together. We are thankful for your guidance in writing this book to help us share our journey with those on a similar journey or seeking to better serve or minister to those on an unforeseen journey. We are most grateful that you have brought us closer as a family by writing this book and helping us to reconcile, restore and repair relationships strengthening us as a family.

There would be too many individuals for each of the four of us to acknowledge. However, to the extended family and church family who walked with us in encouragement in those early days, we are thankful. Along the journey each of us has friends and new church community that have come along side us individually and been there to help us in healing and personal growth on individual journeys, for your love and support we are thankful.

While there have been some that were not helpful, we want to acknowledge teachers, therapists, administrators or church pastors and leaders who saw us individually and as a family and offered your expertise or care at some point in our journey from early diagnosis in North Carolina to new opportunities in Georgia.

Both Sydney and Erica have significant others in their lives who will be part of starting new adventures and journeys, and this is answered prayer from when the girls were little for God’s guidance of the right person into their lives as they begin their own marriage and family journeys. As parents, we are grateful to the faith communities and friends that are in our daughters’ lives in Tennessee and Nebraska.

Contents

Foreword

Introduction

Chapter 1. Unrealistic Life Maps: Trusting God’s Guidance on an Unforeseen Journey

Chapter 2. Divine Intervention and New Direction: The Path of Preparation and Spiritual Refinement

Chapter 3. When Hope Fades: Embracing God’s Presence in Moments of Despair and Hopelessness

Chapter 4. Unchartered Territory—Diagnosis Day: We Never Planned on Being Pioneers

Chapter 5. Unexpected Battles on the Journey: Adversaries, Foes, Friendlies, and Unexpected Allies

Chapter 6. Two Steps Forward . . . But into the Valley of the Shadow of Death: Moving Forward with God’s Comfort and Strength

Chapter 7. Beyond Despair: Discovering Renewed Hope and Finding Delight and New Joy: Side Excursions to the Journey

Chapter 8. Count It All Joy? Discovering Joy and Finding Delight in God’s Promises

Chapter 9. Shattered Dreams to Hope: My Lived Journey: Beginnings, Elementary, and Middle School

Chapter 10. High School Adventures and Everything after . . . (This Is Nothing like High School Musical )

Chapter 11. Passengers on the Journey, Not of Their Choosing ; Helps and Hope for Siblings and Parents

Chapter 12. Reflections from the Journey: Healing Hurts and Time Alone Does Not Heal All Wounds: Individual Journeys

Chapter 13. Trailblazing, Once Again for Neurodiverse Christian Couples: New Challenges, Opportunities to Grow, and New Opportunities

Citations of Work Mentioned Throughout the Book

Appendix A. Autism and the Blended Family: Blending a Family on Hard Mode

Appendix B. Helps and Resources for Parents & Marriages

Appendix C. Connecting Churches and Ministries who want to come along in the journey to serve and minister to families with additional needs!

Appendix D. Understanding Autism Spectrum Disorders

References

Spectrum Teens: The Issues They Face

The Growing Concern of Suicide and Asperger’s/Autism

Supporting Families with child on the Autism Spectrum: How Can You Help?

Autism Awareness: Should I Tell My Child He/She Is on the Spectrum?

Has Your ASD/SPD Client or Child Turned into the Grinch?

Noah’s Voice Non-speaking Man Advocates for Big Changes

Foreword

by Ron Sandison

I had the pleasure of interviewing Sydney Holmes for a magazine article and meeting Dr. Stephanie and Dan Holmes while presenting on autism and employment at a conference in Cleveland, Ohio. I’ve known Dr. Stephanie and her family for eight years and love her practical insight on empowering individuals with autism and other learning challenges to thrive. I love how Dr. Stephanie’s counseling and marriage and family work and Dan’s coaching is Christ centered and how this book provides devotionals and inspiring stories to build your faith.

After spending 5,000 hours writing three books and two hundred articles on autism, I’ve learned that people who are successful on the spectrum have two main attributes. First, they had a family member, friend, mentor, or teacher who believed in them and invested time refining their strengths to accommodate for their limitations, and this enabled them to adapt to their environment and handle sensory challenges. Second, these individuals had a family member, friend, mentor, or teacher who marketed their gifts, and this empowered them to build connections and develop social skills. These two principles apply on every level of the autism spectrum (ASD) from those who have higher needs to those who require lesser resources. From nonverbal artist Seth Chwast, whose paintings are on display in New York City to the Galápagos Islands, to Armani Williams, a professional NASCAR driver, I see these qualities mentioned above in Sydney’s and my journey. Faith and hope are powerful motivators. My champion who believed and marketed my gifts was my mom. As a professional artist, she used my enthusiasm for Prairie Pup, a stuff prairie dog, to develop my social skills and improve my writing and communication ability. Exodus 4:17 says, But take this staff in your hand so you can perform signs with it. By my mom using Prairie Pup, the stuffed animal I often had in my hand, I was able to overcome my milestone delays, but this took many years, hard work, and perseverance.

While in the trenches of autism, the Holmes’ book will encourage you on the journey and inform church leadership of the challenges that families in a neurodiverse family experience. As a dad, I love to fix things, but autism is not something you can fix; it is something you work through and learn from. Dr. Stephanie and her family’s stories offer insights into strengthening relationships, understanding those on the autism spectrum, and finding inspiration to navigate through autistic meltdowns.

You will gain insight into the autism spectrum and learn about ways to adapt to social situations. From Sydney’s feelings of brokenness and despair due to peer rejection and bullying to belonging and acceptance in a faith community enabling her to grow emotionally and spiritually, the resources in this book will provide you with hope and a plan to take a next step! Sydney’s life is an example with faith, love, and support and therapy, that we on the spectrum can achieve our dreams; only we have more challenges to overcome from meltdowns to social interactions and social rejection.

Finally, a book has arrived to encourage you and your family on your journey, inspire you to keep going, and teach churches about the struggles people experience with autism. I highly recommend Embracing the Autism Spectrum: Finding Hope & Joy Navigating the Neurodiverse Family Journey; this book will equip you for the challenges ahead and strengthen your faith.

—Ron Sandison, MDiv, founder of Spectrum Inclusion and

author of Views from the Spectrum: A Window into Life and Faith

with Your Neurodivergent Child

Introduction

Since the past decade, God has opened many doors for me to share my story. In speaking engagements, training sessions, workshops, or keynotes where you have an hour to share the highlights, it could appear that things happened according to a plan, and there was a positive ending to the story of the struggles and challenges that came with an unforeseen journey into the autism spectrum and neurodiversity in the family system. But this journey that my family and I were on that we did not sign up to take, was a journey completely off the well-mapped path of life I had already chosen. This is frightening to a Type-A personality and control freak such as myself. At many points in the journey, my marriage and my family were being changed and refined for a greater purpose than we realized at the time. I could not see what this journey was preparing me/us for until there was some 20/20 hindsight learning. The mile markers of the journey tell how the autism spectrum challenged my faith and my daughter’s faith at times, and how each of us have grown through hindsight learning. In fact, my preparation journey did not begin with autism or even with being in the counseling world. 

As early as I can remember, my career plan was to be a lawyer and prosecute domestic violence and child abuse cases. I wanted justice for women and children who were living under misappropriated power, control, or abuse. In my quest to become a lawyer, I took psychology classes to better understand the human mind and motivations of others. 

In the summer of 1993, I took a social psychology course, and I encountered the story of a woman named Kitty Genovese. Twenty-eight-year-old Kitty was returning home from a night shift in New York City at 3:20 a.m. when she was grabbed by a man, raped, and eventually murdered as thirty-seven neighbors watched from their apartment windows and did nothing. According to the article, which I located on microfiche, the first call to the police was not made until 3:50 a.m., which was thirty minutes after the initial attack. When Kitty stopped calling out for help, it was presumed she was dead. The investigation shows that the perpetrator returned twice, and seeing that no one was coming to her rescue, he continued to brutalize her.

When eyewitnesses were questioned, they were asked why they didn’t call the police. Did they fear being seen or retaliated against? No. They could each see that someone else was watching; they assumed another neighbor would call for help. In psychology, this is called diffusion of responsibility or often in textbooks is the story for the bystander effect. No one assumed responsibility; they presumed that someone else would make the call. 

As I read this article, located in the microfiche for The New York Times, an article written by Martin Gansberg on March 27, 1964, I was shocked. It was that day in the library, reading about the gruesome details of Kitty’s death, that I decided I would not be someone who refused to be responsible for my neighbors and live my life pretending that bad things and challenges were not happening to others. In the words of the Matthew West song, it was up to me (and us Christians) to "Do Something. I thought in the library that day as tears streamed down my face, I said to God, I want to do something! I want to help in overcoming evil and injustice with good. I want to prosecute perpetrators and help victims and those who have been marginalized and cast aside by the church." 

Did God want me to change my major from pre-law to psychology this late in the game as a junior? By this time, I was engaged, and a wedding date was planned based on graduation. This brought the concept of cognitive dissonance into full play for me. I believed in one thing but was behaving in a way that was opposite to that belief. Would I help victims and marginalized persons through law or counseling? God was changing my well-laid-out life map, which is hard for a Type-A person. But He wanted me in the field of counseling. I set this new life map into place, changed my career goals, and charted a new life course. Little did I know the reason why God changed my carefully laid-out life path, nor did I know at the time that psychology and counseling would be useful in future events in my own family and our unforeseen journey ahead.

As you read this book, my heart’s desire is that no matter how similar or different our life journeys are with your situation with a family member with additional needs and challenges, you will see my/our humanity, God’s sovereignty, and growth and development of our family (as individuals and a unit) as we learn and grow together on the journey.

Our family’s desire, for you the reader, is that no matter where you are in your unforeseen journey, Therefore there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1). I pray you do not read or see judgment in this book or allow the enemy to bring condemnation. We want to validate your feelings and experiences, but as a family who are now decades beyond the struggle, light the path to help you find hope and joy along the path of your unforeseen journey, and remind you that you are not alone. 

As ordained ministers, my husband and I believe true hope and help come from the Father above who is a giver of good things and turns ashes and difficult things into beauty. No matter where you are on your journey, it is okay to reach out for help, support, resources, or healing. 

If you are a caregiver, that is one who works or is called to serve and minister to others in need on life’s journey you can be a bringer of hope! The author of Hope Wins, Leisa Williams defines H.O.P.E. as having other people engage, (which came from the wisdom of Helen Buckley, her son’s therapist). You can be a bringer of hope through how you assist and aid those in need on the journey. We ask you to do something.

How to use this book, depending on who you are as a reader:

Each chapter will invite you to stop and pause before continuing in the narrative. Our hope for you, the reader, depends on who is doing the reading. If you have experienced something in the chapter that resonates, we hope you pause and reflect where you are. Do you still need resolution, healing, or help? Are you stuck in how you view God? We will invite you to ponder, then spiritually reflect, then take the next step. What action can you take right now? There are many themes that are reflected in the chapter, and perhaps not all apply to you or your situation. It may seem overwhelming but pick one and start there. The appendix will list the resources and next steps.

If you are reading this because you work with marriages and families or are an educator or pastor seeking to understand, what is your next step so that you can best equip and serve those who may be needing help in their next steps? What gaps might you need to fill?

We hope our story guides you to find joy and hope as you navigate your journey or assist others on their journey. While we hope to light the uncertain path before you, more importantly, we hope to bring you closer to the true Light of your lives, marriage, and family found in Jesus Christ. 

—Dr. Stephanie C. Holmes and Holmes Family

Part 1:

A Husband and Wife: A Mom and Dad’s Journey and Hindsight Learning

Many of the themes in these chapters will surface again and again. Many of the seeds sown early in our marriage and with children grew strong roots and fruit later in life. Some of those seeds I very much regret. I fight shame regarding some of these memories to this day. I can forgive easily unless it is myself. I am getting better at it now, but in reading this story again, shame raises its ire and I have to work through that again. I invite the reader to learn from our victories and regrets.

—Dan

Sometimes our plans and expectations or plan A may not be God’s steps for us. The life lesson for me is, will I be able to trust God when I do not see the plan, do not like the plan, or do not have control over the plan? There is still more for me to learn about trusting God and His plan and allowing Him to order my steps; after all, He knows the number of my days. His plans are for me and to prosper me, not harm me. Because our children have grown, it does not mean our journey has ended or that we have reached THE destination. We are continuing to learn and grow as individuals and as we are expanding our family.

—Stephanie

Chapter One

Unrealistic Life Maps:

Trusting God’s Guidance on an

Unforeseen Journey

On a December evening in 1994, I walked down the aisle in my grandparents’ church to marry the love of my life, my childhood sweetheart, Danny (Dan) Holmes. I had just celebrated my twentieth birthday in October. I finished high school at sixteen and graduated college at nineteen, by taking eighteen to twenty-one hours each semester and taking classes during the summer. Why? Because my parents had said that they wanted us to wait to get married until we had both completed college. Dan and I had been dating since I was sixteen, so adding another year to the engagement would be torture. So, my solution was to finish college at a rapid speed so that we could get married in 1994. Dan was keen to get married in December so that he could have a valid reason to skip his December college graduation.

Dan and I both wanted to wait a few years before getting pregnant so we could save money for a home and advance our careers before the children joined our family. Dan originally wanted four children; I knew I would be happy with two, but we would have time to work that out. I wanted a year’s break before pursuing my master’s degree, so I began to look for a job. There are few options in the psychology field for a person with only a bachelor’s degree, but I went to the resource center of a local college and, lo and behold, a therapeutic foster-to-adopt home was looking for psychology majors to work with four children. Life would be a piece of cake.

In my core group of friends, I was the youngest and each of my friends had at least one child. Some were already planning for their second. The more time Dan and I spent with our friends and their families, the more I wanted my own children. I was ready, I just knew it! We moved from an apartment to our first home to plan for this next phase of our life’s journey. I was living my own Christian American dream. 

Then, in 1996, my doctor gave me some devastating news. An ectopic pregnancy I’d had a while back, combined with endometriosis, a retroverted uterus, and a shriveled left ovary, did not make it look promising for me to have children.

How could this be? This was not the plan! I wanted to wail. I was a good Christian girl. I had pretty much done things by the book. Everyone else made having children look so easy. I’d heard many friends and relatives my age makes comments like, Oh, I think I would like a summer baby, or, I think I would like a fall baby, and no problem, there it was. No problem! Why would I not be able to experience this joy? When you are told that something you desire may not happen, the aching in your heart can be too much to bear.

Suddenly, being around other people’s children was painful. I had begun training at a Christian crisis pregnancy center that sought to help young women in unplanned pregnancies gain the resources to choose life for their babies instead of abortion. The ministry supported women who had made the brave, selfless choice of adoption and taught them how to make better lifestyle choices, such as abstinence and relationship choices. So, I was surrounded by pregnant women who, for the most part, did not want to be pregnant. Some of them were very fertile and apparently had no problem getting pregnant, having already had several abortions before they were even twenty years old! As tragic as their stories were, and as unfortunate as their circumstances must have been to bring them to this point, it felt like God was mocking me. I wanted so desperately to be pregnant and was surrounded by women who were but were often angry and bitter about it. Many were unwed teens, women in abusive relationships, financially desperate women with multiple children already, addicts, and sexually active women who simply used abortion as birth control.

I found myself struggling to find compassion. There were those I still felt merciful toward, those who were pregnant and trying to do the right thing for their babies. My heart and prayers went out to them. However, my sympathy was waning for women having multiple abortions when I longed to just get pregnant once. On the days I worked at the front desk or took calls for clinic appointments, I began to see the same names and faces come in. Jealousy and bitterness were taking root in my heart. They had not planned to be pregnant, yet they we’re; I wanted to be pregnant but could not. This felt very unfair.

Verses like Psalms 127:3–5a became a thorn in my spirit:

³ Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord,

the fruit of the womb a reward.

⁴ Like arrows in the hand of a warrior

are the children of one’s youth.

⁵ Blessed is the man

who fills his quiver with them!

When pastors preached about the joys of having children on Mother’s Day or Father’s Day, my heart ached. It was a constant reminder that I must not be blessed. 

The church I attended was sometimes referred to as the the First Church of Fertility because the nurseries and children’s classes were always bursting at the seams. Some people joked, Be careful of drinking the water there. Sundays became a constant reminder of what I did not have, what I longed for. 

My mom was a great source of strength to me and truly knew my pain. It had taken nearly seven years for her to be able to have me. Her doctor had not given her much hope. She was one of twelve children, and some of her younger siblings were already having children. Although she had grown up in church, she did not have a personal relationship with the Lord at the time. Yet, she called out to Him, hoping He would intervene and allow her to have a child. She tried a new procedure called wedge incision and, miraculously, was able to conceive. She encouraged me to let the Lord be my strength, that He was my Healer. He was my hope.

Some well-meaning but not so helpful Christians tried to throw Scriptures at me, offering little Christian Band-Aid quips like:

It will happen in God’s time.

Maybe you need to just pray more. Claim those children!

Maybe the Lord knows you are not ready for children, or worse, The Lord knows you shouldn’t have children.

Everything works out for those who love God. Do you love God?

Maybe you have sin in your life blocking your prayers.

Let go and let God!

If you have ever been tempted to say these things, let me tell you, they bring little comfort to the one who is suffering. Not only do they not help, but they also hurt. While the comments are meant to be encouraging, often they bring discouragement and condemnation. Sometimes, it is better simply to listen and to care. And instead of saying, I will pray for you, maybe pray right then for the Holy Spirit to bring comfort. We do not know the mind of God and why something is being allowed to happen. While some of these sayings have truth, they may be better left for motivational bumper stickers, social media memes, and quips or refrigerator magnets. When a person is hurting, trite expressions bring no comfort. Knowing that you care and validating the pain, as well as prayer and emotional support are the best supports for someone who has been told that they may not be able to have children.

I began to obsess about the story of Hannah in 1 Samuel, hoping to find some ancient secret prayer to kind of make God answer my request. Hannah had been infertile, and she cried out to the Lord. He heard her cries, and she bore Samuel. Was there some sort of secret I had missed? Was there a formula in her crying out? How did she persuade God to give her a child? As I studied and studied this story, a verse became troubling to me. 1 Samuel 1:5 included this phrase: The Lord had closed her womb. What? God did this to her on purpose? I began a Bible search for the word womb. There were many times God opened a womb or He closed the womb. The thought began to taunt me: If God is the author of life and He chooses which wombs to open and close, why is He doing this to me? 

It didn’t make sense. One day I just needed to talk to one of the leaders of the ministry about this subject. Why did these women who did not want children keep getting pregnant and having abortions? Why were their wombs opened and mine closed? As we talked, I came to realize that I was working with a population that, for the moment, I could not empathize with because of my own struggle. Could my personal issue get in the way of truly ministering to them? The leaders were gracious and understanding. They agreed that because the area of my pain was around pregnancy, talking to pregnant women about unwanted children was not a good environment for me then, but they welcomed me to return when I was ready.

In addition to the emotional pain of infertility, I began to let my feelings skew my image of God. This is not good for a counselor-in-training. I began to see God as unjust, unfair, and uncaring in His dealings with me. Here is a word of caution for all Christians: When we begin to judge God’s character by how we feel He answers prayer or what we feel is being done or left undone, we forget that He sees the bigger picture. We begin to limit Him to the present, and we forget that He is not limited by our time frame. Simply put, His ways are not our ways. His timing is not always our timing. He is faithful and just, and when our heart, which Jeremiah 17:9 says is deceitful above all things, tries to overrule our mind, things get skewed.

I was saved at age five. I grew up in a Christian home. I had been educated at Christian schools my whole life, but I had missed something in all my spiritual training. I was seeing God as a taker, a punisher, and withholder, instead of a giver. In my wounding, I could take a verse like James 1:17 that says, Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above and somehow make it a promise for everyone