The Faces of Foster Care Volume II: Faces of Foster Care, #2

By Kay Kizer, Melissa Valenzuela, Cheryl Williams and 4 more

Contributing authors tell their stories about growing up in the Foster Care system and working with Foster Children.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Cindy Rogers
• Release date: Nov 1, 2023
• ISBN: 9798223683674

Book preview

Faces of Foster Care

Volume II

VISIONARY AUTHOR

KAY KIZER

Copyright © 2023 Kay Kizer

All rights reserved.

Published By: Raised Bridges, LLC

Hawkinsville, Georgia

Chapter One

Encourager – Former Foster & Trauma Survivor

Danny Vann

For over 500,000 children in the USA today, life just doesn’t seem fair. Something outside of their control causes everything in their lives to turn into total chaos. It might be because of drug addiction, domestic violence, a single-parent home, struggling below the poverty line or any number of other tragic situations too numerous to list. In my case, it was my parents...they got divorced...then my whole world changed forever. 

I’m the oldest of six kids.  We went from an early childhood of relatively peace and joy – to chaos and ever-changing circumstances that initially seemed to make no sense to me at all. But through all the struggles, I had a feeling that there was a purpose for everything that happened to me, my siblings, and our family. In spite of all the pain, changes and confusion, I sensed there must be a reason for it all. I never gave up hope that things would change – for the better – and at times they did. I fought back the sadness, anger and rebellion that I saw other kids around me expressing early on at the orphanage. I looked for ways to make the best of my circumstances.

Even though things in my life would never be the same as they once were, I kept moving along and would not allow myself to get bitter – or to become so angry that I just gave up trying to be good and follow God’s way of doing things. Even if others around me were quitters and lied and cheated to get what they wanted – that didn’t mean that it was okay for me to follow them and start doing bad things too! I knew that I would have to answer for my own actions – I couldn’t blame others for the things that I was doing. Dad always told me that if I put my mind to something I could do it... Mind over matter he would always say. And I believed that with God’s help, if I put my mind and faith on something, I could accomplish it if I worked hard enough at it. And I did!!! I had dreams of my own that nobody could take from me. Those dreams, my love for God, and my music kept me going when others gave up, settled for less, or just shut down.

I went from a broken home to various family members’ homes, to an orphanage, foster home, back to dad’s new blended family which was also broken and full of alcoholism and physical and mental violence, all before the age of 15. That meant many school changes, a loss of friends, making new friends (then losing them) and lots of chaos and grieving over all the losses. The foster care experience for me was somewhat healthy and helpful. It showed me how caring total strangers could be and how united a family should be to come alongside each other and help other children they didn't even know. My foster parents were very reasonable and allowed me to be involved with many extra activities, including getting a summer job. When my parents were no-shows for our weekly family visitations, my siblings were devastated. As the oldest, I felt like I had to do something about it. So I took a job at 15 pushing an ice cream wagon-cart and saved my money to buy used bikes for my siblings so we could ride our bikes around the neighborhoods and see each other. It was a lonely time for all six of us. Some adjusted – some struggled. My youngest sister was only 6 when all this started. It tore us all apart to be split up. Then our dad finally appeared and was able to get some of us reunited at our original home (which had been condemned.) 

Life back home with dad started out great until Child Welfare demanded he get us a sitter to watch us after school before he came home from work. Dad brought his new girlfriend into the picture – they were drinking buddies, and it wasn't long before the arguments and physical violence that caused his first divorce started up all over again. Mom heard about dad's new arrangements and hated that his girlfriend was caring for her kids. Between the two households, there was constant chaos and pain. One had beatings and lots of anger and fighting. The other was mom's party palace with all kinds of people in-and-out all hours of day and night and we never knew who she was going to bring home. So we wound up bouncing between houses a few times. Ultimately, neither home was ideal for young children. So, at 17, I left my dad a note which said, You've done enough. I'll take it from here and I became an emancipated minor. I was going to follow my dream and become a singing star.

I finally gained some independence when a musical family agreed to take me into their home 100 miles away.  I soon discovered they saw dollar signs in my singing talent and were trying to take advantage of me. I left them within a couple months. So even after escaping the chaos at home I moved four times when I was in my senior year of high school (at a NEW school too).  After leaving the musical family, I moved in with my boss from my part-time job and a few weeks later into my own apartment before I was turned-in by someone (it was not legal for a 17-year old minor to live alone and attend school).  I had to live with a tax-paying guardian or quit school. God blessed me when an English teacher and her Minister-husband agreed to take me in on a trial basis. I wound up excelling at school that final year. I had the leading role in our high school play. I wrote a song for music theory class which was selected to be performed for the whole school. And I graduated with honors in the National Honor Society. My guardians even cosigned for my first car. At 18 years old with a high school diploma, I was ready to tackle the world and become a famous entertainer.

I was constantly striving to become a famous singer – my ultimate dream was to be like Elvis. And I did it!!!  I even performed in Las Vegas and the Palace of Auburn Hills and was inducted into the Elvis Presley Impersonators International Hall of Fame.  At the same time I rose to a computer mid-level executive in corporate America. Charity concerts, volunteering and donations to many community organizations have been part of my joy to pay God back for being so good to me through all my circumstances. I mended my relationships with both of my parents – but kept my distance. They both expressed their pride in my accomplishments and both attended many of my concerts. I always included kids from the audience in my stage performances: Back at the orphanage, a live band performed for us and then came out and shook our hands! I was 12 years old and it blew my mind that they would take time to do that for us! I never forgot it – and at all my concerts for over 40 years in music, I shook the hands of over 10,000 people including every kid in the audience I could get to. (I often jumped off stage and walked through the audience shaking hands). Folks, 1 SMALL act of kindness – a handshake at an orphanage – turned into THOUSANDS of warm-fuzzy handshakes over the years. To this day, I still have adults thank me for shaking their hand when they were a kid at my show years ago!

There were lots of challenges and obstacles along the way – but I dealt with them one-by-one and figured out ways to beat the odds.  Back then it was called survival – or overcoming.  Now finding a way around life’s challenges is called a Life-Hack.  Like when I didn’t have a way to see my siblings because we were all in different foster homes....I got a job selling ice cream, saved my money and bought them all bikes!  We were able to see each other from time to time in between visits with our parents (when they finally showed up for visitations).

What was the key to my success? NEVER EVER – NEVER – GIVE UP! If you want something bad enough, and do the work to get it – YOU CAN DO IT! I watched others who were already successful, and I followed their examples.  I reached out to them – and some answered – some helped me.  My high school counselor taught me to find 2-3 responsible people that I could trust and have them help guide me along the way!  It worked! I still do that today!  When you don’t know how to get through a problem – reach out for some help and don’t forget to pray!  God answers.

I’m not saying it was easy.  There were sad and depressing times.  I had struggles with foster families where I tried to fit in – but I was different.  New teachers, other students and even my own siblings who were going through the same struggles that I was - all caused me to adapt and change constantly.  I tried and failed a lot - but I kept going.  I learned that life is a journey – so do not panic – this is just the next stop on the way.

Over the years, I went on to become a family man, had 2 kids and even became an ordained minister, all the while keeping BOTH the King of Rock-n-Roll and the King of Kings in my sights. In spite of all the chaos and pain, I actually discovered that it was fun being me! Why?  How was I able to turn out so positive and not fall into the poor-me trap like many of those who traveled along a journey like mine?  It’s because I decided early in life to NEVER GIVE UP.  To always keep trying – keep moving – forward or backward – just keep moving.  If you get stopped – keep looking for a way around.  Keep seeking help – keep praying!

To this day I have moved 34 times in my life.  I discovered that home is a nice word for the place where your heart feels safe.

I’ve been divorced, remarried and now live with the most wonderful wife God could provide me!  I’ve lived through open heart surgery at 45 years old, and a heart attack at 59 causing me permanent disability. That was a VERY DEPRESSING time in my life. Everything in my life came to a screeching halt. No more work. No more singing. No more traveling to visit my children and relatives. NOTHING. I was taking multiple medications for my heart condition and needed to rest for healing. Eventually (about 2 years later), I cried out to God, What am I supposed to do now? Why did you spare me? He ANSWERED! I felt inspired to tell my story and wrote my first book. It’s my memoir – called, "My Journey in the Shadow of "The King. It is full of many life lessons and tips for handling pain & chaos in one's life. It has been recognized as a great tool for foster parents, counselors and advocates as well as fostered & former fostered. The forward was written by Dr. John DeGarmo of the internationally acclaimed Foster Care Institute. Two years later, Dr. John inspired me to write my second book, 99 Days of 100% Encouragement" which has been used to inspire and encourage youth and advocates alike from San Diego to New York. I am recording on YouTube episodes for each of the 99 days to help encourage more people face-to-face! If you are struggling with your life, I encourage YOU to find something you love and GO FOR IT! Push yourself through the pain.

I always kept pushing through each obstacle – and I kept striving to go on and do even more for others.  Yes, others!   When you feel down – help someone else and see how much it helps YOU TOO!

Now I am reaching out from my home to help others – like you – to cheer you on through your trials.  You can do it!  Hang in there – keep trying.  I’m still here – and if I can do it – so can YOU! Above all, I want you to know that IT GETS BETTER! If you need help along the way – that’s okay. I did. I went to counseling on-and-off for over 20 years. Many of the lessons I learned are