NOT MY SIN: A Journey of Survival, Healing and Hope

By shatha shanoon, Kristine Meier-Skiff and German Creative

Hanen once escaped the ravages of war-torn Iraq, seeking refuge and a promise of a brighter future in the embrace of Canada with her new husband. She found solace in her new life for fifteen years, skillfully burying the traumas that scarred her youth. But on the fa

• Language: English
• Publisher: shatha shanoon
• Release date: Sep 15, 2023
• ISBN: 9798218260651

shatha shanoon

Shatha Shanoon is the first of her Iraqi family to make a home in Canada, blending her rich heritage with new beginnings. Since she was just six years old, creativity has been her calling, finding joy in drawing, photography, and immersing herself in books.But her passions go beyond art. She's become a voice for those often left unheard, those trapped in the shadows of war and fear. Using her insight as an Iraqi citizen and her compassion for humanity, Shatha has focused on the fight against social injustices, especially regarding women.She's on a mission to help women find their way out of domestic and sexual assault, offering resources, support, and a listening ear. She doesn't just talk about change; she's involved in making it happen.Shatha's also looking out for the next generation. She believes in sharing life's lessons and learning from the past to build a future filled with love and kindness. Her art isn't just something to be admired on a wall; it's a tool for change, a beacon of hope.

Book preview

Chapter One

Present Day, Alberta, Canada

I let my eyelids fall shut and raised my chin to feel the full force of the crisp autumn wind on my face. Pine. The wind carried the faint, clean scent from the forests beyond the city.

Spreading my arms, I allowed myself to lean into the stiff breeze as it wrapped its arms around me, pushing back with all its might. I felt alive and free—like I could fly. Life. That’s it, exactly! This place smells and feels like life itself.

The autumn breeze in Iraq was equally cool and crisp, but it lacked life. It never carried the same vibrant, living scent of the air in Alberta.

My smile widened as I turned toward the soft footsteps behind me. Squinting into the dimming light, I could barely make out his figure, but I would know those footsteps anywhere. Trying to scare me again, were you? I placed my hands on my hips in mock offense.

As my husband drew nearer, his form blocked the setting sun, and I could see the adoring smile on his face. "I thought since you were dreaming, Habibti —" he trailed off as he looked into my eyes.

"I dream only of you, Amiri."

The color rose in his cheeks, flushing them a bright red. A giggle bubbled up within me and spilled out. It never failed to amaze me that, after fifteen years together, I could still make this man blush.

I tussled the edge of my hijab playfully without taking my eyes off his. Where are you taking me tonight?

The Captain’s Chair. He paused as he looked over my head at the snow-capped mountains on the horizon before looking back down into my eyes and continuing, I’m told they serve the best seafood in Edmonton.

Seafood? I crossed my arms and tilted my head to the left as I considered this. But we’re hundreds of miles from the ocean. How can they serve seafood here?

I imagine they ship it from Vancouver on refrigerated trucks, Akmal’s love for sharing new-found facts is shown in the bright sparkle of his eyes and the widening of his smile. His enthusiasm and eagerness to learn were one of the many things that attracted me to him. If they’re punctual with their ordering, they can order the morning before and have the food in time for dinner service the next day.

That seems like a lot of trouble just so people can eat fish.

Akmal bit the right side of his lower lip while he thought. I guess it really wouldn’t be any different than shipping any other goods, he started slowly, apart from the need for refrigeration. People ship hand-woven tapestries from Iran to all parts of the world. They ship vases from China to New York and chocolate from Belgium to Buenos Aires. It’s a much smaller thing to ship cold food a few hundred miles within the same country.

I nodded and let my hands fall to my side. Pivoting to the north, I took in the lights of the sprawling metropolis surrounding us. Alberta sure is pretty all lit up at dusk.

"Not half as pretty as you, dear Shameera."

A sudden gust of wind cut through my sweater and chilled me, causing a shiver to pass down my spine. Within moments, I felt the warmth of Akmal’s arms about me as he draped his flannel jacket over my shoulders. That was another reason I fell in love with my husband; he cared for me more than anyone I ever knew.

I slowly turned toward him again and put on my most flirtatious smile. Thank you, I whispered close to his ear, but I’m still cold.

Akmal’s grin was heart-warming. Don’t worry, he whispered back. We’ll get you toasty warm soon enough.

My heart began to beat in my ears as I read the desire in his eyes, and I began to feel lightheaded. He’d looked at me like this so many times before. I always enjoyed flirting with my husband. Why was tonight any different?

The station chime sounded. That’s our train, he half-groaned. I still don’t understand why you wanted to take the rail to the restaurant when we have a perfectly good car.

They don’t have trains in Iraq, I tried to cheer him up. At least not for people. Besides, this is our date night. The whole evening should be special, not just dinner.

"Every evening is special with you, Habibti," he said.

I made a show of rolling my eyes and poking his nose, You’re so silly.

Yes, but you love me anyway.

I do, I said matter-of-factly and took hold of his hand, rubbing the back of it with my thumb. I do love you.

Content to simply enjoy one another’s company, we didn’t speak during the short train ride downtown. Instead, I watched the buildings as they passed. I couldn’t believe how clean everything seemed! Edmonton was small compared to Baghdad, but I still expected more rubbish and graffiti.

I shook my head. After fifteen years in Alberta, you’d think I’d be used to how things are here. But the opposite was true. I often found myself almost compulsively comparing life in Alberta with my life back home in Iraq.

Home.

I hadn’t thought about it until now. But I still thought about Iraq as home. Why? My life was in Alberta now with Akmal, our daughter, and our son. Yet— Yet I still thought of myself as a visitor…

Look! Akmal shouted suddenly as he shook my shoulder, snapping me out of my reverie.

At first, I stared at him with a stupid look on my face, brow furrowed, lips slightly parted, head cocked, as I tried to figure out what he was trying to say.

Look! he repeated with more urgency.

Following his finger, I peered out the train car window and stared at the full moon. It was unlike any moon I’d ever seen before, or at least I thought it was. Being so large and red, you’d think I’d remember seeing something like it, yet…. I had to have seen something like it because it stirred up a sudden uneasiness within me. It sparked memories I couldn’t bring to the surface, feelings I did not wish to explore. And I didn’t like that—especially when I didn’t know the reason behind it.

That’s called a blood moon, Akmal explained with his typical enthusiasm when recounting some interesting trivia. It happens during a lunar eclipse when the Earth blocks all sunlight from reaching the moon. The moon appears red because the only light reflected is from the edges of Earth’s atmosphere.

Is today a lunar eclipse? I tried to make my voice sound normal. I had trouble breathing but couldn’t let my husband know. Not only couldn’t I explain why, but I wouldn’t want to worry him tonight of all nights.

Well, I don’t know, Akmal admitted. Sometimes the moon can seem red if it’s low in the sky or if there are dust particles in the atmosphere. It looks fascinating, though.

I looked back up at the moon. It seemed to glow malignantly like a lion’s eye staring ominously into my soul. I willed myself to turn away and face the front of the train. Try as I might to block the image of the blood-red eye from my mind, I could still feel its oppressive gaze almost ten minutes later as the train approached our stop.

It didn’t take long after disembarking for the fresh, cool breeze to calm my senses. I was smiling and laughing, the red moon forgotten, when a brightly lit sign came into view. It was quite plain, with only big block letters written upon it. No logo. No symbol. Just big block letters advertising the Captain’s Chair. So, this is it. An evening in a restaurant with whitewashed walls decorated with anchors, life preservers, and pictures of smiling bearded fishermen proudly standing next to their catch of the year.

I half-turned as I took the next step to get a better look at my husband’s face. His countenance was so bright. He looked at me and smiled, making my heart soar. At least I’ll be with the man of my dreams.

Stepping inside, the scent of fresh lobster, lemon, and other delicious dishes greeted me. People bustled about quietly. Everything was hushed, no noise above a whisper. I couldn’t even hear dishes clanking. Odd.

As my eyes adjusted to the dim light, I realized the inside was just as understated as the sign. The décor was subtle and elegant, like the fancy restaurants my dad’s family patronized back ho— in Iraq. The staff was dressed similarly, with well-tailored silk shirts, complete with cufflinks and navy-blue coats. I was taken in by the atmosphere of wealth and prominence, fitting for a fine dining establishment.

I gripped Akmal’s arm tightly as feelings of nostalgia, unworthiness, and awe hit me simultaneously. I suddenly felt unsteady on my feet. The feeling passed too quickly for Akmal to notice anything was amiss, and we were soon led to our seats near the center of the large dining room.

Akmal glanced around appreciatively. I have to say, this place feels far classier than I expected.

I know. I was just as busy taking everything in. I feel like a princess.

Akmal caught my eye and enraptured me with his mesmerizing smile, You are my ‘amira, my beautiful princess.

I rolled my eyes, trying to stave off the blush I felt warming my cheeks, "You have to say that."

No, I don’t. I could be a brute and say terrible things, but then I’d be lying to you. But you are a princess, and I mean it. I could say that to anyone, but I’m saying it to you.

I felt like having some fun. I knew I had Akmal right where I wanted him. I crossed my arms, put both elbows on the table, and leaned in for the kill, Who else could you say it to? I narrowed my eyes and pursed my lips.

Akmal blinked, realizing the trap too late. N—no one! he stammered. I’m just saying, I’m calling you a princess because I think you are a princess, not because I feel obligated to.

I suppressed the smile wanting to push itself on my lips. This was more fun than I thought it would be! Would you call any other woman a princess?

No! Akmal protested. I just— That’s when I started sputtering and giggling. I couldn’t hold it in any longer. He sighed and shook his head. You know what? Fine! he said, blushing and grinning. You’re not a princess. You’re a brat; that’s what you are.

I broke down and burst out into full-fledged belly laughter. Akmal joined me, unable to keep up the pretense of frustration anymore. A man tries to say something nice to his wife… he said, smiling and shaking his head. I, on the other hand, couldn’t stop giggling.

However, it didn’t take long for me to realize people were staring at us. Scooping up the cloth napkin from under my silverware, I nearly caused my utensils to crash to the floor. My quick reflexes saved them just in time, and I placed them on my plate. Too loud… and cleared my throat behind my napkin.

Oh no! What must Akmal be thinking? I bit my lip. Is he offended? Or, worse, embarrassed? Had I embarrassed him? I slowly lifted my eyes to glance his way. The fake-annoyed look Akmal had pasted on his face triggered another fit of laughter from us both.

The sound of a male clearing his throat stopped our chuckling cold. Startled, I gasped and nearly jumped out of my seat.

May I take your order, please? the waiter asked politely.

Oh, yes! Of course. Akmal flashed another smile my way before ordering for us both. On the other hand, I hid behind the menu until the waiter asked me to hand my menu to him. Now, I had nothing to hide behind. I decided to behave.

We weren’t disappointed with the food. As promised, my braised halibut was delicious, and Akmal raved about his lobster with butter sauce. Fresh seafood? And nearly a thousand miles from the nearest ocean. Nigh impossible. But… My life is so much like the food we ate. It was beautiful, fulfilling, and deliciously sweet, and, like the fish so far from the ocean, it didn’t seem possible.

We spent the remainder of the evening talking, laughing, and teasing one another like schoolchildren. Occasionally, I would find myself simply watching Akmal as he ate. I couldn’t help but marvel that I could have found someone so perfect for me. Or, rather, that my parents could have found someone so perfect. That was the true marvel.

Once, he caught me staring. He smiled and blushed again—Oh, how I love when he blushes!—and asked, What are you looking at?

"Only you, Amiri," I replied.

Setting his fork down, he gathered his cloth napkin and wiped the corners of his mouth. Shall we? Standing from his seat, he offered his hand.

I’d be delighted, I’m sure, I teased, trying to sound just as proper and prim. We both chuckled again before marching off to pay the bill.

Because neither of us wanted the night to end, we left the Captain’s Chair and began walking toward a nearby park. Because he was familiar with the area, Akmal knew it had brightly lit walking trails and that there would be plenty of others walking them. However, they wouldn’t be too crowded because of the time of night.

Knowing my fear of dark, desolate places where one could easily be mugged, raped, or worse, he quickly pointed out all the perks. Making a great show of taking a deep breath and blowing it out slowly, I made a face like I was thinking hard about going to the park, where dark, dangerous people might lurk. The truth was that I felt safe going, given all the information, but I wanted to tease him a bit first. Mmmm… Yeahhh… I guess. Under one condition.

What’s that?

I get to hold onto you all the way.

He smiled down at me, Forever and always.

I gently laced my arm through Akmal’s elbow when he offered it, and he led me down a soft path that wound through rolling fields of grass dotted with plots of geraniums and daylilies. Later, as we strolled through towering aspen and pine stands, I breathed in a cleansing breath of the cool night air. Though it was cooler than it had been at dusk, the breeze was softer, so the night air wasn’t as chilling. I imagined that the breeze was caressing my cheeks with soft fingers.

Hamsa and Hamid are growing so quickly, Akmal sighed. It won’t be too many years, and she will be wanting a boyfriend and he’ll be as tall as me! He said as he reminisced about his job and our children while we walked.

I turned my eyes toward Akmal’s face and nodded in agreement. Hamid was home with my friend, Alessia. He should be bedding down soon.

I allowed my gaze to shift up to the bright moon, no longer red and glowering, as I listened to the deep baritone of his voice. I loved the sound of his voice. I could lose myself in those deep notes. I breathed a silent prayer of thanks for granting me this beautiful moment in a beautiful place with the man I loved.

Look here. Akmal had paused us before a small pond. The beauty of the moonlight gleaming off the pond’s surface, casting a soft, silver glow on everything, took my breath away.

Amazing— It came out as a whisper so soft that I was certain it was lost on the breeze.

I felt, more than saw Akmal move closer to me and begin staring at me. Turning toward Akmal, I smiled up into his beautiful eyes. My husband gazed down at me with the purest expression of love I had ever seen, although I imagined he had looked upon me that way many times. Lifting a hand, he softly caressed my cheek. Though he was surprised by this show of public affection, I