Adjusting Expectations

By Lainey Hitchman and Roy Hitchman

Adjusting Expectations explores the world of expectations within marriage and what happens when they aren’t met. Albert Einstein has been accredited with saying, “Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they won’t change. Inevitably both will be disappointed.” He encapsulated a very real tr

• Language: English
• Publisher: Hitched Publishing
• Release date: Nov 30, 2016
• ISBN: 9781911176053

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Adjusting Expectations

By Roy & Lainey Hitchman

Copyright © 2016 by Roy & Lainey Hitchman

Cover by: Lainey Hitchman

Editor: Roy Hitchman

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form by any electronic or mechanical means including photocopying, recording, or information storage and retrieval without permission in writing from the authors.

ISBN: 9781911176053

Book Website: www.hitchedtogether.com

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Adjusting Expectations

Acknowledgments

How can we say a big enough thank you to our friends and family. Your help and support far exceeded our expectations! When we needed encouragement you were there, when we needed advice during this project you gave it! We are thankful that you helped us set realistic goals, manage our expectations and do some adjusting!

Preface

A light turned on during the process of writing ‘Bringing Worlds Together’ the first of the Cross-cultural Marriage Series. It seems every marriage is stamped with an exclusive blend of cultures; they are also influenced by unique expectations.

Having unmet expectations has an adverse effect on relationships. In marriages where expectations have been too high, disappointment and blame often go hand in hand. People can feel let down or wronged. It doesn’t need to be this way. It’s possible to remove those rose coloured glasses and have a more realistic idea of what to expect in marriage.

This book should help you to recognise what your expectations are, how they were formed and if any need  adjustment . You'll have an opportunity to manage your expectations and set realistic ones .  You'll also have the opportunity to assess whether, like us, you have a tendency to be a little too hard on yourself.

Adjusting Expectations hasn't been written by people who pretend to have it all together. Roy and I have set expectations too high, set them too low and struggled to be realistic. We hope our experience will help you on your journey through married life.

Table of Contents

Adjusting Expectations

Acknowledgments

Preface

What did you expect?

What is an expectation?

Everyone Expects Something

Inaccurate Measurements

The Formation of Expectations

The Early Years

Pre-teen years

Teens and Early Twenties

Promises, Promises!

Changing Expectations

Managing Your Expectations

What can Change?

Changing Attitudes

Changing Habits

Expectations of Love & Romance

Adam’s Expectations

Expectations of Love

Did You Expect it to be Easy?

Expecting a Soul Mate

The Danger of Believing in Soul Mates

Did you Expect it to Last Forever?

An Eternal Promise

Expectations of Romance

Romantic Heroes

Unromantic Heroes

Expectations of Intimacy

Half-hearted & Hard-hearted

Snake-oil

False Expectations

Who told you that?

What Does God Know About Sex?

God’s Design for Intimacy

What does God Expect?

God Expects Us to Walk In Love

God Expects You to Grow Together

God Expects You to Study

God Expects You to Apply

God Expects us to Have Faith

When Expectations Go Very Wrong

Emotional Abuse

Spiritual Abuse

Physical Abuse

Why Abuse Happens

Selfishness

Blame

Fundamental Attribution Error

Fear

What to Do if Abuse Happens

If You Are the Victim

If You are the Abuser

Releasing from Expectations

Expect to Blessed

Bibliography

All books in this series

Other books by Lainey Hitchman

Biography

What did you expect?

It is universally considered that Albert Einstein was a smart man. If the attribution of this quote is correct it confirms his intelligence!

"Women marry men hoping they will change.

Men marry women hoping they won’t change.

Inevitably both will be disappointed."

Albert Einstein.

Roy: I remember when Lainey and I married, almost three decades ago! We were both so excited about the life we were going to live together and couldn’t wait to tie the knot and move in together. We had so many expectations of what married life was going to be like! For me it was expectations of not needing to wash and iron, expectations of fantastic food (no cooking required and definitely no washing up because I now had a loving wife), and, of course, expectations of fantastic sex every day!

I wasn’t the only one with high hopes for our marriage, you will read about Lainey’s soon enough. However, it didn’t take us long to realise that our expectations were unrealistic! It didn’t take much longer for a little disappointment to set in. We started to understand that married life was going to take more work than we had expected and give fewer benefits than we had hoped for. I am confident that most of you could tell a similar story. Many of you probably felt a degree of disappointment, and some of you still do.

As you read this book, you will have an opportunity to take a look at your marriages, address the unrealistic expectations, and deal with the disappointments. In a way, it is an opportunity to make a fresh start and build your marriage on something more solid than the sand of hopes and dreams. It's your chance to strengthen your foundations by building upon realistic expectations. We believe that since God is our designer He can also help us readjust our expectations so they are tangible and attainable.

Philippians 1:6 (ESV)

And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.

What is an expectation?

So let’s take a step back and make sure we all understand what an expectation is.

Expectation:

An expectation is a strong belief that something will happen, or be the case in the future.

An expectation is also a belief that someone will or should achieve something.

You will have had your expectations about where you would live, what your lifestyle would be like, and what your family would be like. An 'expectation' is also a belief that someone will or should achieve something. In marriage, this means that you would also have had a conviction about what your spouse would be like as a husband and father or as a wife and mother. Your expectations aren’t just established before your wedding day, they grow, they develop, and they change as the years go on. Your expectations today will be different than the expectations you had years ago.

When you believe something, when you put your trust in something,  you expect that it will happen. It moves from something that is a ‘perhaps one day’ to a ‘definitely will’  position. This ‘belief’ is why people treat unmet expectations with the same strength as broken promises. In fact, no promises need to be made for an expectation to be established. In other words, an expectation is something that you have built in your own mind, it can, but it doesn’t have to have anything to do with something that someone has led you to believe or promised would happen.

An expectation can be realistic or unrealistic but once it is set it is hard to change. Often couples are too rigid, and their desires are set in stone. It's important that you both examine your expectations and are willing to adjust them. Without adjusting your expectations, you cannot make a fresh start.

The synonyms for the word ‘ expectation ’  make it very clear that expectations are not based on facts. There is no hard evidence that your expectations will be fulfilled. Expectations are not established facts, they are not uncontrollable entities, they are manageable, they (the expectations, not the people) are in your control.