What I Wanted to Tell You: A Novel: Sarda Edition

By Ana Bilic

In a funny, amusing and satirical way Monika tells about herself: she is passionate, perceptive and quick-witted, but all of these qualities are basically not what she needs to help her in her job as executive secretary in a small company in Vienna run by a self-overrated boss. That Monika also has bad luck in love relationships is somehow to be expected – even with her newest heart flame, a Chinese, the relationship is anything but average.

The special thing about this book, written with a great deal of humor and unaffectedness, is that it is written in the form of a diary and the protagonist, Monika D., comments on everything in direct speech, as if the reader were sitting next to her. The captivating honesty and the innovative writing approach are what make the book so appealing and promise the reader an enjoyable reading experience.

The novel "What I Wanted to Tell You" is based on the play "Glück auf, Ausländer!" (Good Luck, Foreigners!). The play was awarded in 2008 by the "Exil Dramatikerpreis" of the Wiener Wortstätten and the Exil Verein in Austria. Afterwards, the play was premiered at Theater Akzent in Vienna and published as a novel in German as well as in Croatian as reading material for Croatian language learners. The English translation of the novel is long-awaited release for English-speaking audience.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Ana Bilic
• Release date: Sep 19, 2023
• ISBN: 9798223775522

Ana Bilic

ANA BILIC - I am a literary and theater writer, filmmaker and theater director, linguist. Born in Zagreb, Croatia, since 1995 I live and work in Vienna, Austria. My literary work includes novels, short stories and poems and my texts are also represented in numerous literary anthologies. I started writing literature in Croatian in the 1990s, but for more than twenty years I have been writing only in German. My books have been published by such publishing houses as Hoffmann und Campe Verlag Hamburg, Konzor Verlag Zagreb and Hollitzer Verlag Vienna. As a linguist, I am the author of works for learning Croatian as a foreign language: CROATIAN MADE EASY - https://www.kroatisch-leicht.com/croatian/ - as well as KROATISCH LEICHT - https://www.kroatisch-leicht.com. On these websites you can learn more about my published textbooks and reading books, mini-novels, e-books, audiobooks, interactive e-books and other media.  More information about all my work - not only about literature and linguistics, but also about film and theater - can be found on https://www.ana-bilic.at

Book preview

What I Wanted

to Tell You

A Novel by

Ana Bilić

Translated by Eva Eva

Original Title Mein Name ist Monika - Roman

First published in Austria by Ana Bilić

Edition Ovidia, Vienna 2020

Text © 2023 Ana Bilić

Photo & Cover Design © 2023 Danilo Wimmer

All rights reserved.

The book, including its parts, is protected by copyright. Any exploitation is prohibited without the author's consent. This applies in particular to the electronic or other reproduction, translation, distribution and public access.

Sarda Edition

Imprint: Independently published

*

... Hello! ...

... I'm glad you opened the book and decided to meet me. Because we can't see each other, I'll introduce myself right away:

My name is Monika Dakić. I am at the age of ... well ... I am of full age. By profession – secretary. Executive secretary. I work for a Viennese insurance company and ... No, no - please don't think that I do an ordinary job. No, being an executive's secretary is a very adventurous job. The role of a secretary is the only unacknowledged role of woman, because it has not even existed for 200 years. The other roles have been known and recognized – wife, mother, cook, maid, whore and saint. The role of the secretary is modern and scheming, it is the cocoon of the female, highly developed consciousness. How the woman will develop – we will see this in the next thousand years.

... This is what I look like:

If the reader is a man – here is a description of me: tall blonde, measurements 90-60-90, long legs, lustful lips, curious, ready for anything, even giving birth if he wants to.

If the reader is a woman – this is the description: flat as a board, unattractive, intelligent, underestimated, father – a wimp, mother – a strong personality. 

If the reader is a child – please, put the book away, it is not suitable for children.

If the reader is a literary critic, please open the chapter Afterword for literary critics at the end of the book. There you will find what I actually wanted to say with such a beginning.

If you are not enthusiastic about what I have written so far, please contact Ana Bilić – she coached me in writing and she alone is to blame for the bad beginning. 

... I was born in Zagreb, in Croatia. It is one of those new states in the Balkans and it has the shape of a croissant. Since I live in Austria – which has the shape of a chicken leg – I am a foreigner by origin. We, here in Austria, say Ausländer/foreign national, but there are no such expressions in Croatia. There is only the expression Gastarbeiter/guest worker. That is an old outdated expression. We are not visiting Austria; we live here and integrate ourselves. Until death. I mean, we live until death and integrate before we die.

... Being a foreigner is interesting. Due to the foreigner status many questions have arisen in my life. Some have also been resolved – because I have completed them. The questions of life open up for some people through marriage, for some people through family, for others through children, for third people through love, for fourth people through failure. In my case they have opened up through where I am. But they are always the same – they all come down to the existential questions, no matter what you have been through or where you have been.

I am not married and I have no children. I'm alive ...

...What now? Who's calling on the landline? ... Hm ...

... My boss ...

... Good evening, Herr Berger ... Of course, I'm home, you just called me at home, didn't you? ... Have our business partners arrived yet? ... No? ... Yes, I'll be there ten minutes to nine ... I'm supposed to come half an hour earlier?! ... So I can go over our menu with the waiter?! ... My job? ... Telling the waiters what to do? ... Yes? ... I'll come as soon as possible and then I'll have a word with the waiter. Good? ... It was just a joke ... Of course ... Sure ... Goodbye, Herr Berger ...

...Tonight, we have a business dinner. With people from Croatia, the boss wants to sell them insurance licenses and he's very tense ...

... What was I going to say? ...

... Oh yes. It´s about me ...

... My name is Monika – but that wasn't my name in the past. I changed my name – I said my name was Monique. That was when I was in Egypt, a few years ago. Three weeks, the trip was organized by the Association for Singles in Austria, with a group of twenty people, all like me. Actually, I didn't want to make such a trip, I have already given up any love relationships. But my friend Satif, who usually calls me Monique, and who always says that I'm made for living in a relationship, convinced me to do so. He said, Monique, you should move abroad. This country is not healthy for your love life. And what should I do there, I asked him. Just be yourself, as I know you – be Monique And so I said my name was Monique. – No one believed me when I said I was from Croatia – a Monique cannot be from Croatia. Even more, I had three macho guys hanging all over me who usually only pick up sluts.

Last year I was in Turkey, I told them I came from France. Monique – that sounds French. I have nothing to do with France, except that a cousin of my grandfather was shot dead in Nice after he escaped from prison in the old Yugoslavia. Not as a political but as an economic dissident – he was a thief. Satif also persuaded me to speak German with a French accent – and I, as stupid as I am, did so. And I met a nice man, a foreigner like me, he lives in Germany, he comes from Russia. What is his profession? Professor of French language. And that we can speak French if I want, I'm sure it's easier for me to speak in my mother tongue ...

... I have to light a cigarette now; this memory makes me angry ...

... I suggested such a name change to one of my friends I met when I was in Zagreb last time. Ksenija. We've known each other since school, she always pretended to be my best friend and at the same time gossiped about me behind my back. Ksenija has gone into the entertainment business, folk music. She has tried everything to become famous: from affairs with married celebrities to talking about political blah-blah. Only for newspapers she didn't want to be photographed naked. She is an entertainer, she says. Her full name is Ksenija Sekulić. A long name, somehow commonplace, which lacks that certain something that every artist is looking for. That's why I suggested her to shorten her name to the first syllables – so that it becomes a brand. She told me: What a strange abbreviation this is – Kse – Se? - I told her to change the order, then it would be: Se-Ks. Sex. – She didn't want it, the hypocrite ...

... The most difficult thing for me with the name change – from Monika to Monique – was that I felt my new identity as foreigner, as if I had been talking about a complete stranger and not about myself. Which is not unusual: I wasn't even aware of my normal identity, and on top of that I took a new name. But I thought: if my name sounds natural to the others, they will accept me faster and they will love me. But it is not like that. No. That's why I've decided to stay Monika. Not Monique. – Only for Satif. – Not even for my boss anymore. He's no friend of mine, for him I'm just Frau Dakić, both private and business. From today, a new leaf. The old one, I bury it ...

...What? ... The phone again? ...

... Good evening again, Herr Berger ... No, my mobile didn't ring ... Yes, I returned your CD with the PowerPoint presentation yesterday after I copied it ... No, I returned it to you, I'm sure of it ... It was after eleven o'clock ... eleven o'clock and eighteen minutes exactly ... Yes, one hundred percent, eleven o'clock and eighteen minutes ... Should I bring the CD? For dinner? ... To be on the safe side, of course, maybe our business partner will come to their mind to ask for a PowerPoint presentation during dinner, we have to be prepared for everything ... No, I can't find my mobile phone at the moment ... Yes, I'll call you back ... Goodbye ...

... Yes, the cell phone, where is it? ... I must have put it in the bag ... Let me see ... This bag is too big, I always have to rummage through it ... But if I take a smaller one, there is no space for all the stuff. Fashion is a funny thing ...

... Oh well, we have time ... I'll pour some wine, I'm thirsty ... You can do that too, to relax ... I suppose you don't read this book during working hours. It would be criminal ...

... Yes, fashion ... Fashion is the only thing that changes all the time. If it doesn't change, it is no longer fashion. It's called old-fashioned. Every time it changes – and