His Place at the Table: A Personal, Public, and Spiritual Love Story

By Diane Nares

His Place at the Table is about my son Emilio, his cancer diagnosis at three years old, and the rollercoaster ride my husband Richard and I traveled in the attempt to save Emilio’s life. In an instant, upon hearing the profoundly painful words, “your child has cancer,” we took a rapid plunge into the depths of Dante’s inferno, with absolutely no idea how we would ever get through this nightmare.

My book recounts the highs and lows with uncommon honesty. Although my unrelenting optimism and fortitude were challenged beyond limits, I show the reader that love can be a lifeline. I go back in time and speak to my later-in-life opportunity to find meaningful love, marriage, and motherhood. Richard and I were unwavering in our commitment to one another, as grief took us into unchartered territories.

Ultimately, through our spiritual strength and the expansion of our “family” by establishing the Emilio Nares Foundation, we found ways to heal and transform our lives. Emilio’s Legacy continues, as the little boy who inspired a movement.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Austin Macauley Publishers
• Release date: Sep 15, 2023
• ISBN: 9798886938487

Diane Nares

Diane Nares is the co-founder of the Emilio Nares Foundation, a non-profit charity which provides transportation and other vital support to families who are navigating through their child’s journey with cancer. Nares expresses her passion for life in a wide range of pursuits, from comforting parents who have lost their child, to participating in family bereavement groups, to hosting ENF’s annual food & beverage fundraiser. Born in Los Angeles, Diane Nares is a “self-proclaimed” later-in-life wife and mother to her only child, Emilio. Emilio lost his life to leukemia shortly before his sixth birthday. In addition to being a respected speaker, Nares enjoys traveling internationally, swimming, yoga, cooking, and hiking with her husband, Richard.

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About the Author

Diane Nares is the co-founder of the Emilio Nares Foundation, a non-profit charity which provides transportation and other vital support to families who are navigating through their child’s journey with cancer. Nares expresses her passion for life in a wide range of pursuits, from comforting parents who have lost their child, to participating in family bereavement groups, to hosting ENF’s annual food & beverage fundraiser. Born in Los Angeles, Diane Nares is a self-proclaimed later-in-life wife and mother to her only child, Emilio. Emilio lost his life to leukemia shortly before his sixth birthday. In addition to being a respected speaker, Nares enjoys traveling internationally, swimming, yoga, cooking, and hiking with her husband, Richard.

Dedication

To my husband, Richard; and my son, Emilio, who gave me the strength to breathe again and endure each new day.

Copyright Information ©

Diane Nares 2023

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other non-commercial uses permitted by copyright law. For permission requests, write to the publisher.

Any person who commits any unauthorized act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages.

All of the events in this memoir are true to the best of author’s memory. The views expressed in this memoir are solely those of the author.

Ordering Information

Quantity sales: Special discounts are available on quantity purchases by corporations, associations, and others. For details, contact the publisher at the address below.

Publisher’s Cataloging-in-Publication data

Nares, Diane

His Place at the Table

ISBN 9798886938470 (Paperback)

ISBN 9798886938487 (ePub e-book)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2023905239

www.austinmacauley.com/us

First Published 2023

Austin Macauley Publishers LLC

40 Wall Street, 33rd Floor, Suite 3302

New York, NY 10005

USA

[e-mail]

[phone]

Acknowledgment

I am completely grateful to everyone who has been a part of this book. Your wisdom and belief in this story gave me the strength to see it through, particularly in the painful moments of remembering.

To my Cappetta siblings, you are my tribe. My sister Teresa Kaupke, my brothers, Michael and John Cappetta, and our sisters Patty Perkins, and Nancy Casey, who both left this world too soon. Once we were six, now we are four; I treasure each of you and your spouses in my life.

To my entire Cappetta, Nares, and Anderson family; my deepest respect and gratitude to you all for loving Emilio so much, and for picking Richard and myself up, every time we fell.

To my publisher, Austin Macauley, it has been an honor and a joy to work with your amazing team who, together, made it possible for my book to become a reality.

To my editors, Patty Testerman, Debra Ginsberg, and the talented Elizabeth Ireland, each of you opened my eyes to the truth that my book needs to be in the world and that it can make a difference in the lives of so many people who have suffered a catastrophic loss. You gave me the confidence to believe that I had a compelling story to tell, and that I could write it.

To San Diego community leader, Patty Brooks, who along with my extended family of friends, neighbors, and the San Diego community, rallied around our family throughout Emilio’s cancer treatments. Thank you, Patty, and so many others who researched on our behalf, assisted us in creating the largest bone marrow drive in San Diego, those of you who cooked us hot meals, walked our dog, Sierra, and so much more, thank you for your unwavering faith in our journey and ultimately in this book.

To the skilled and compassionate Hematology-Oncology team of Rady Children’s Hospital San Diego, the Dana Farber Cancer Institute and Boston Children’s Hospital, all of whom not only took impeccable care of Emilio, but also, the two of us.

A blessing to all of those individuals at the Emilio Nares Foundation who keep our mission and vision alive and moving forward. Program Director – Luz Quiroga, the devoted ENF Staff, and Board of Directors.

Most importantly, to my husband Richard Nares, my love, my life partner, my reason for surviving our greatest loss, I love you Emilio’s father, forever and always.

Prologue

Looking back, I realize that my whole life pivoted around my memories of those individuals who inspired me with their strength in the face of adversity. We all ache and crumble on those days when our world falls apart. The question becomes, What do we do in the moments that follow our disappointment? The action we take is what truly marks our path to healing and our eventual return to peace.

In this book, I weave in pieces of my life before my husband Richard and my son Emilio entered it. As a young woman in my twenties and thirties, I was obsessed with the constant need to further my education, return to my European roots, and work through the adventurous, challenging, never-dull restaurant industry.

My eventual desire to meet my life partner and hopefully have a family of my own led me from the all-consuming restaurant industry straight into the career of my dreams, representing wineries from all over the world. Ultimately, I was blessed with the chance to become a mother. When I held my son Emilio in my arms for the first time, I finally understood that he would define what my life would become.

This book speaks volumes about the power of community, family, and deep friendships, but my story’s heart and soul are a collection of memories of my life with Emilio. Throughout the following pages, I will share with you the many lessons he taught me. I eventually became someone other than who I thought I was. I became someone more authentic, more alive, and more present.

One of my sweetest memories was when I worked from home and was able to witness Emilio at play. We bought him a jeep when he was five. Rosa, his nanny, would take him up and down the alley outside my office window. My mood always brightened, and I smiled every time I heard the sirens from Emilio’s jeep and the turning of the big, powerful wheels. Sierra, his dog, would prance alongside him as she protected his every move. I was certain he felt proud and accomplished while driving his jeep and commanding the road! Perhaps he understood that moments such as these were one of the few times he could control anything about his life.

Throughout my time with Emilio, I began to understand that grief and joy are intertwined and exist within and apart from one another.

May Emilio’s story bring comfort to those who suffer and inspiration to those searching to live their lives with truth.

Chapter 1

In an Instant

The pediatric oncologist paused for a moment, gazing deeply into our eyes as he stumbled to get his first few words out coherently. Both my husband Richard and I stared back at him, speechless.

I’m sorry to tell you this, Mr. and Mrs. Nares, Dr. Sudari said. Emilio’s blood tests confirm that he has leukemia. Emilio was our only child. He had just turned three years old. In the time it took for the doctor to speak these words, our lives were changed forever.

In an instant, I found myself not only unable to move but unable to speak. I could not find the language to express my pain. My mind raced back to the doctor’s three words, Emilio has leukemia. As I attempted to stand up, I fell to my knees, screaming my son’s name.

Emilio was not in the oncologist’s office. When we arrived that day, a nurse had immediately enticed him to join her in the nearby playroom.

I could not contain this horrible information or the rush of emotion I felt.

I understood nothing about his words, not just because I didn’t know what leukemia was but because my entire body and mind had shut down.

All I remember was melting into Richard’s solid and broad shoulders. I wanted him to rescue me from this appalling, incomprehensible news.

Please, I pleaded. Tell me this is just a bad joke!

Richard couldn’t tell me that. He, too, couldn’t get the words out. His facial expression glazed over with the same heavy grief I felt.

What seemed like hours later, although it was only a few moments, I felt the warm arm of a nurse wrapping herself around my upper body. What was happening in that room was as if a tsunami had blown in from the open window and flooded the doctor’s office. I remember thinking that perhaps this compassionate nurse was stepping in to rescue me before I could be washed out to sea. Finally, Richard and I could fully reach our arms out to one another as we collapsed and became one. Tears were pouring down our faces in an endless stream of anguish.

I sat helplessly, waiting for some sense of order to take over. Each new word I heard, leukemia, oncology unit, white blood cells, sent a dagger to my heart.

I have always needed a sense of order in my world. It is my nature to want to control everything, especially when it came to protecting my child. There is nothing about childhood cancer that makes sense.

My mind wandered to the countless people who do not care for their children properly—the parents who communicate by screaming or ignoring their children altogether. I could not allow myself to think about the many parents who abuse their children and scar them emotionally and physically for life.

All of the above scenarios are the opposite of how Richard and I cared for our son. From the first moment we laid eyes on Emilio, our hearts were no longer our own. We were transformed and immediately head over heels in love with him.

I quickly moved my thoughts beyond the reality that there were undeserving individuals gifted with children and started obsessing about the myriad of guilt I was experiencing. I could not stop asking myself, Why my child? What did I do wrong in my pregnancy?

I blamed myself for swimming regularly in San Diego Bay, where the naval vessels docked and moved in and out of the harbor. I grew angry thinking about how I would occasionally spike my morning decaf with the leaded stuff to get me through the workday while pregnant with Emilio. Or perhaps it was the many tastes of Burgundy, Barolo, Chianti, Sangiovese—you name it—that I consumed in my wine industry career well before Emilio came into my life.

The most haunting question I couldn’t shake off was, Did my only child get leukemia because I was an older mom? I gave birth to Emilio when I was 42 years old. I waited a long time in my life to have a child. As the eldest of six children, I didn’t grow up dreaming about marriage and having a family of my own. I wanted to pursue my dreams of going to college, traveling to Europe, and having a career. In 1970, when I graduated from high school, my aspirations weren’t the norm. Many of my friends searched for the perfect husband and settled in a house in the San Fernando Valley of Los Angeles, where I was born. I always felt guilty that I didn’t dream about having babies. Guilt crept in as I blamed myself for being so selfish. Older eggs, damaged eggs? I asked myself.

Where was the doctor! I cried out. I have so many questions I need to ask him! I continued to shout these words to whoever would listen. I had a desperate need to resolve the turmoil and the all-consuming fear that was raging within my mind. At the same time, I became aware that my body was slipping into a tidepool of grief. A feeling of complete and utter sadness stayed with me that day and the many days that followed.

I couldn’t get rid of the horrific thought that it was possible to sit down on the floor one evening to play with Legos and then, the very next morning, receive a call that meant life would never be the same again. There was something ominous lying-in wait.

The events that led us to that paralyzing morning with Dr. Sudari started a few months prior. Cancer is typically lurking in the body long before its diagnosed. Blood traverses, cells appear and die, and proteins form for consumption. Our bodies are constantly working invisibly to us until the moment something goes wrong. In the case of Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia (ALL), one sinister cancer cell appears. It slowly grows, joins the dark side, and becomes Darth Vader, destroying healthy cells within the body in a deadly pas de deux. This alchemy of destruction is often a long process, at least six months, while the cell’s host is unaware of the demolition within.

After kicking off winter with constant colds, I thought I’d better take Emilio to the doctor. It seems simple, but the tricky part is when you say, My child is always sick. What is wrong? maternal anxiety often gets brushed aside by pediatricians because colds are so common among preschoolers. There is a constant baton pass of kids bringing germs into and out of the classroom.

We reluctantly agreed to just wait it out. Doctor’s orders.

It was a rough holiday season, and Emilio’s third birthday came up right away in early January. Our sweet little boy, stricken with another terrible cold, looked miserable. We threw his birthday party at the San Diego Children’s Museum. After the party, we dined with everyone at one of our favorite restaurants, Pizza Nova. As much as he tried to enjoy his beloved cheese slices, he just looked so sick. He wasn’t himself.

It’s just a cold, I kept telling myself.

This cold continued to play hide and seek with Emilio as he returned to school. It revealed itself again in February.

It’s just a cold.

Friends and family consoled us and said, There is no need to worry. Colds, fevers, and coughs are normal when kids go to preschool. We didn’t have any frame of reference for this reality since Emilio spent most days at home with Rosa, his nanny, from birth to age three while Richard and I worked full-time.

In March, Emilio came down with another cold and fever lasting seven days. We gave him Baby Tylenol, as Dr. Raymond Evans, Emilio’s pediatrician, suggested. Within a few hours, the fever subsided. Forty-eight hours later, it came roaring back. My sister-in-law, Linda was visiting at the time and said, Emilio looks so pale. You ought to have one of those tests done to see if he’s anemic.

Within a few days, nothing was normal about what was happening to Emilio. Red flags started flying when we noticed bruises the size of a dime develop on his arms and legs. He looked pale and sick, and his behavior became lethargic. When we reported this news to Dr. Evans, he firmly instructed us to come into his office immediately.

It was a Monday morning, March 27, 1998, my 45th birthday. Dr. Evans ran a series of blood tests. He assured us that he would call the following day with the results. He gently said, Try not to worry too much. It could be a couple of different issues that are all treatable. We will do everything possible to take care of Emilio.

That evening Richard returned home with my favorite birthday cake, tiramisu. In another bag, he surprised us with a gallon of vanilla ice cream, Emilio’s favorite flavor.

I prepared a chicken vegetable soup and served it with a loaf of homemade sourdough bread, a birthday gift from my neighbor Sandy. After dinner, the three of us ate my birthday cake and ice cream on the living room floor while we played with Emilio’s favorite Legos.

Before bedtime, Emilio begged me to turn on one of his movies, Beauty and the Beast. He loved the part at the end of the movie when Belle danced with the Beast. Sing the song, Mommy! He said this repeatedly until I picked him up, and we waltzed around the living room, as we had done so many times since he was a baby. This hauntingly beautiful song expresses the feeling of love being timeless and ageless—my sentiments exactly. My love for Emilio had no end, and it would go on forever and always.

As Emilio laid his head on my shoulder that evening, I felt the fear sweep in as it overtook my every thought. Having put Emilio to bed, I tried desperately to fall asleep, but I couldn’t rest. All I could think about was what Dr. Evans’s news would be in the morning. Richard tried hard to console me, but all I could say was, Do we need to prepare ourselves for crippling news about Emilio’s health? Richard had no words. All we could do was hold on tightly to one another and try to get some sleep. At some point in the night, I felt Emilio’s tiny cold feet on my back and realized that he must have crawled into bed with us. Surprisingly, I never felt him jump in. I was grateful for even a few moments of slumber.

That morning, March 28, 1998, we received the doctor’s call at 9:00 a.m. We had both cleared our morning work calendars and prepared to drive to the doctor’s office anytime. Dr. Evans instructed us to come in as soon as we could. With the phone on speaker, we both declared at the same time, Doctor, what’s wrong with Emilio? Dr. Evans quickly responded, I prefer to discuss Emilio’s results in person.

And so, that was the prelude to the day when we were told Emilio had leukemia, and all of our dreams took a nose-dive as a multitude of arrows pierced our hearts. Our raft flipped over in Class V River rapids with one phone call.

I would never let Emilio witness my sadness. Never.

I prayed out loud to God and said to Richard, How will we ever get through this? What is going to happen to Emilio?

Chapter 2

I See You

January 6, 1995

I was profoundly and madly in love with Emilio from the first moment we