Seeing the Unseen - A Guide to Conscious Caregiving

By Felicia Stewart

Too often caregivers of children with challenging behaviours feel that the solution to the problem lies outside of them. Yet we all bring past wounding into our relationships.

Drawing on the latest research from both scientific fields and healing modalities, Seeing the Unseen encourages caregivers to recognise how adverse experiences and trauma in childhood lives with them, resulting in whole body dysfunction—activating harmful stress responses that keep them stuck engaging in patterns of behaviour. Unless addressed, these self-sabotaging behaviours can significantly impact vulnerable children in their care. In extreme cases, this can lead to burnout or ‘blocked care’.

In Seeing the Unseen, caregivers are invited to journey through ten steps that will forever change the lens with which they view themselves (and their loved ones), resulting in a more balanced and joyful home environment.

While this workbook is written for caregivers of adopted or fostered children, it may appeal to broader audiences such as kinship providers, stepparents, life coaches, family therapists, and social workers.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Austin Macauley Publishers
• Release date: Aug 18, 2023
• ISBN: 9781398426542

Felicia Stewart

Felicia Stewart is a former PR executive and travel writer who found herself in a distorted parenting space following the adoption of a toddler in 2005. For 16 years she has been on a journey to understand the challenging behaviours that she faced each day; studying under the trauma masters, Peter Levine, Diane Poole Heller, Janina Fisher, Bruce Perry, and many other experts in the field. Alongside her work helping families living with attachment difficulties, Felicia is a certified tea master and transpersonal coach.

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About the Author

Felicia Stewart is a former PR executive and travel writer who found herself in a distorted parenting space following the adoption of a toddler in 2005. For 16 years, she has been on a journey to understand the challenging behaviours that she faced each day; studying under the trauma masters, Peter Levine, Diane Poole Heller, Janina Fisher, Bruce Perry, and many other experts in the field.

Alongside her work helping families living with attachment difficulties, Felicia is a certified tea master and transpersonal coach.

Dedication

For all those who believe they travel alone.

Copyright Information ©

Felicia Stewart 2023

The right of Felicia Stewart to be identified as author of this work has been asserted by the author in accordance with sections 77 and 78 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior permission of the publishers.

Any person who commits any unauthorised act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages.

The story, the experiences, and the words are the author’s alone.

A CIP catalogue record for this title is available from the British Library.

ISBN 9781398426535 (Paperback)

ISBN 9781398426542 (ePub e-book)

www.austinmacauley.com

First Published 2023

Austin Macauley Publishers Ltd®

1 Canada Square

Canary Wharf

London

E14 5AA

The Invitation

Humans form a relational blueprint very young, even in-utero. Whether or not we have faced adversity or misfortune in our life, we need to know how we approach relationships. This is especially true for parents and caregivers with challenging children; they can effortlessly ignite unresolved issues and sensitivities lingering from our formative years with devastating consequences.

Vietnamese Zen monk, teacher and activist, Thich Nhat Hanh, urges us to tend to ourselves before addressing the needs, aspirations or suffering of others. Airlines like to call it ‘putting your safety mask on first’.

At the heart of Nhat Hanh’s teachings is the idea that ‘understanding is love’s other name’—that to love another means to fully understand our own suffering and then (often by default) the suffering of others. And through understanding, we expand the heart. [Note: ‘suffering’ sounds rather extreme but in Buddhism it refers to any source of frustration or unhappiness, be it physical or emotional or spiritual.]

He illustrates this with a metaphor: If you pour a handful of salt into a cup of water, the water becomes undrinkable. But if you pour the salt into a river, people can continue to draw the water to cook, wash, and drink. The river is immense, and it has the capacity to receive, embrace, and transform. When our hearts are small, our understanding and compassion are limited, and we suffer. We cannot accept or tolerate others and their shortcomings, and we demand that they change. But when our hearts expand, these same things do not cause us suffering anymore. Rather, we gain understanding…and can embrace others. We accept others as they are, and then they have a chance to transform. (2007, pi)

Not convinced? Here’s Nhat Hanh again: You can’t offer happiness until you have it for yourself. So build a home inside by accepting yourself and learning to love and heal yourself. (pii)

A Word Before Beginning

This guide was devised as a companion to Seeing the Unseen: A Handbook for Caregivers of Children with Attachment Wounds. Namely—adoptive, foster, and kinship caregivers. However, anyone who is suffering from the effects of excess physical and/or emotional stress, who is motivated to heal themselves, and who has a desire for greater self-awareness can benefit by using this guide.

The ten steps of healing form a definitive pathway; each step builds up to the next. Therefore, this is not the kind of book in which you can pick a topic you are drawn to. The learning journey unfolds by working through the information and exercises from beginning to end.

However, whatever actions you decide to take, are entirely up to you. Remember, there is no one way or best way to heal; your way is what (you discover in this journey) matters the most to you. It is hoped the process of working through the ten steps encourages you to become an agent of change, one that brings strengthened resilience against the stress of caring for or responding to those with difficult histories. If the discoveries in this journey keep you moving forward, please pass them on to your peers: alone we are at risk; together we are strong.

Remember to Look After Yourself

As you work your way through this workbook, stay attuned to your own progress and feelings. Reflecting on the impact of a difficult start or stressful events can sometimes evoke feelings of distress or concern. Be sure to monitor your own emotional reactions to this material. Seek out support from family, friends or a professional.

Step One

Score Your Aces

To go forward, go back.

—Nadine Burke Harris

An ACE score is a tally of abuse, neglect, and other hallmarks of a rough upbringing. Think of it as a cholesterol score for childhood stress.

ACEs stands for Adverse Childhood Experiences which occur prior to your 18th birthday. Examples of adverse childhood experiences are physical, sexual, and emotional abuse and physical or emotional neglect. They also include having a parent/caretaker or someone else in the home who is mentally ill, an alcoholic or substance abuser, or a victim of domestic violence. Absence of a parent through divorce, incarceration, or abandonment counts too.

You may be thinking none of these things happened in my childhood so why bother with a test? Studies have shown nearly two-thirds of adults have at least one ACE. And, if you have one ACE, there’s an 87% chance that you have two or more. Childhood adversity is something so common it’s hiding in plain sight. (Burke Harris, 2018, pxiv)

Why Do Aces Matter?

According to the Adverse Childhood Experience study undertaken by renowned physician and researcher, Vincent J. Felitti, the rougher your childhood → heightened exposure to toxic stress → higher ACEs score → greater risk for later health and social problems (Felitti et al, 1998). You might say it is the gift that keeps on giving!

Fast forward 20 years and there is an expanding body of evidence about the impacts of ACEs well into adulthood. Researchers have found many of the most common adult life-threatening health conditions, including obesity, heart disease, alcoholism, and drug use are directly related to childhood adversity. A child who has experienced adversity is more likely to have learning and behavioural issues and is at higher risk for early initiation of sexual activity and adolescent pregnancy. These effects can be magnified through generations if the traumatic experiences are not addressed. Let’s take a closer look at how ACEs play out.

Physical

With a score of four ACEs…adults are two times more likely to smoke, seven times more likely to have alcohol addiction, 400% greater risk of chronic pulmonary disease, 240% increased chance of hepatitis, high chance of obesity, greater chance of broken bones, surgeries and dental work, greater chance of gastrointestinal complaints, autoimmune diseases, lung cancer, diabetes, STD’s, stroke, foetal death, more likely to have multiple drug prescriptions. Note: with a score of six ACEs, the lifespan may be shortened by 20 years!

Behavioural

With a score of four ACEs…adults have 1220% greater risk of suicide, more likely to be violent or be a victim of violence, greater chance of early sexual behaviour and teen pregnancy, more likely to have multiple sexual partners and marriages, more likely to misuse drugs.

Psychological

With a score of four ACEs…adults have 460% greater risk of depression; high chance of anxiety, 80% have a mental health diagnosis by age 21, greater chance of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), more likely to have learning, attention, and memory difficulties, more likely to be on anti-depressant prescriptions.

Emotional

With a score of four ACEs…adults have greater chance of lower academic achievement and poor work performance, more likely to have poor social and emotional skills, 25% more likely to have delinquent behaviour.

Social

With a score of four ACEs…adults have greater chance of criminal behaviour; 59% more likely to be arrested as juvenile, 28% more likely to be arrested as an adult, 30% more likely to commit violent crimes.