Aging Wisely: Facing Emotional Challenges from 50 to 85+ Years

By Viola B. Mecke Ph.D. ABPP

Growing older brings many thoughts of "I wish I knew that before" This book provides information to help us age as well as possible. Surprisingly, our feelings do not age. Pleasure and contentment interface loneliness, loss, fears and sorrow. At a time when life is thought easier, new problems and situati

• Language: English
• Publisher: The Media Reviews
• Release date: Aug 4, 2023
• ISBN: 9781961395145

Viola B. Mecke Ph.D. ABPP

My interest in psychology was stimulated by observing the relationships that my six siblings had with our parents. After receiving a doctorate from Western Reserve University in Cleveland, Ohio, I have taught and practiced clinical in several universities, ending up at Stanford University School of Medicine. Retirement enlivened an interest in sharing aging experiences as I faced them (now 96 years old). There was little literature on the emotional challenges of aging; we know our emotional life does not age. Feelings become more complex, better understood, and increasingly positive for the person.

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Copyright © 2023 by Viola B. Mecke Ph.D. ABPP.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without a prior written permission from the publisher, except by reviewers, who may quote brief passages in a review, and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by the copyright law.

ISBN: 978-1-961395-15-2 (Paperback Edition)

ISBN: 978-1-961395-16-9 (Hardcover Edition)

ISBN: 978-1-961395-14-5 (E-book Edition)

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Contents

Preface

Acknowledgments

Part I

Chapter 1 Life and Aging

Chapter 2 In the Beginning: The Initiation Losing Youth Ages 50-65

Chapter 3 Retirement: The Borderline Years Not Young, Not Old Ages 65-75

Chapter 4 On the Bridge: The Age of Compassion Ages 75-85

Chapter 5 The Curtain Call Age 85+

Part II

Chapter 6 Our Challenge: Caring for Ourselves

Chapter 7 Are Our Emotions Growing Older?

Chapter 8 Capture Those Fears

Chapter 9 The Emotional Challenge of Loneliness

Chapter 10 Loves and Losses

Chapter 11 Loves and Losses II: Homes and Possessions

Chapter 12 Resolving Those Problems Coping and Control

Chapter 13 Aging Wisely

Endnotes

References

Preface

Aging Wisely: Facing the Emotional Challenges from 50 to 85+ Years has emerged from my experiences of growing older. I have become increasingly convinced that feelings are the predominant force behind our actions, directing our choices and selecting our social relationships. My practice as a clinical psychologist centered on helping patients face those feelings that bind them from happiness in their lives.

Hidden feelings are often expressed in unknown and unbidden ways. For instance, I was especially impressed with one patient who avidly repeated that he had no feelings. His wife agreed. Nevertheless, during one session, he blinked while discussing a problem. When I questioned what he had felt at that moment, with effort, he said that he was afraid of what he had said, giving the key to recognizing his feelings. It is now recognized that as we grow older, we rely more on our feelings for the decisions and choices that we make.

To your own self, be true rings the bells of our hearts. To be true to ourselves is to be true to our feelings. Observing myself, family, friends, and patients as we have grown older instigated the thought that it might be easier if aging people were more aware that their feelings, their stresses, and their concerns about life were shared by others.

The growth of the field of Developmental Psychology now includes the phases of aging, similar to other ages of growth. The research has familiarized us with the stresses that come at the time of life when we expected life would become easier, more content, and less fearful. Instead, we often find an increase in stress and anxiety alongside more pleasurable feelings of well-being.

Satisfaction with life calls for an emotional balance that brings contentment and quietude and nurtures secure feelings. It requires accepting our positive strengths and our personal limitations to come to terms with ourselves. Hopefully, these thoughts will help the reader find that emotional balance, which ensures contentment and gratitude for life itself.

The illustrations that I have used in this book are partly from my own experiences as I have grown older. Names of all others have been fictionalized to conceal their identities. While my family members may recognize themselves, I have their permission to tell some of their stories.

In those moments when you are alone with your thoughts and memories, does quiet contentment seep through your being? Have you a sense of satisfaction and gratitude in your life? Here are some ideas. It is my hope this book will open pathways for greater pleasure and quietude in this last path of life.

Acknowledgments

I am so grateful for the following:

Kerry Methner, editor of Casa Magazine, whose untiring efforts in teaching the art of writing, reading the manuscript, and challenging ideas brought this book to fruition.

For the constant, valuable suggestions and encouragement of my brother, William Bloom, who read the first rough drafts of the book, without losing faith in my efforts.

Anita Mills was a loyal friend who read each draft, helping, and reading throughout each stage of development of the book.

Alyce Dunn (my sister), Joanne Talbot, Ruth Levine, Mary Ann Norfleet, Paula Kunst, Maxine Underwood, and many others whose suggestions, stories, and encouragement was invaluable.

Part I

INTRODUCTION

OLD AGE Balding: Wrinkles, Sore Feet, Saggy Thighs, bifocals, senior discounts, slowed healing, cataracts, chicken skin, wills, sex after 70, vertigo, no driving, managed care, hearing aids, canes, memory loss, walkers, wheelchairs, bruises, incontinence, broken hips, bruised egos, etc., etc., etc.

What is it like to grow old, then older? This book will erase myths attributed to older, senior citizens, will demonstrate their strengths, and enlighten their pathways. The cultural norms have not provided many pleasant expectations or hope for these last years. Aging Wisely and its sequel, The Ups and Downs of Growing Older, show that in contrast to popular myths, aging brings a deeper enjoyment and pleasure to life. Both professional and practical approaches to the topics are discussed in this little book. The physical changes do not spoil the spirit of enjoyment and pleasure that is unique in aging. Growing older brings new gratifications, satisfactions, and expectations, often in contradiction to the current social ideas.

Present culture holds expectations of aging that are often untrue or hold a grain of truth that misrepresents the truth. These expectations are myths; ideas that are widely held beliefs, but false. Look at some of these myths:¹

Myth 1: Aging means the end of cognitive development and new learning. The evidence suggests that learning new material is possible, and often accomplished.

Myth 2: When you get older, you will inevitably experience dementia or another memory disorder. The research suggests brain stimulation through new activities can help the brain to remain active and learn new material.

Myth 3: Depression is normal in older adults; isolation and aloneness incite depression as a person ages. The research is to the contrary – older adults are less likely to become depressed than younger adults.

Myth 4: Older persons should avoid strenuous exercising to avoid injury. A misrepresentation. On the contrary, there is much to gain by being active and much to lose by sitting too much.

Myth 5: Older persons do not need as much sleep as when younger. Not true: older persons still require 7-9 hours of sleep per night. Following a regular sleep pattern, without afternoon naps, and avoiding the light emitted from electronics may help receive the rest that is needed for health.

Other myths are also frequently verbalized, such as being too old to change habits – such as quitting smoking; older women need to worry about osteoporosis; seniors are unhappy; seniors are not productive and cannot be creative; seniors are cranky; and other ideas that misrepresent the effects of aging.

We shall see that these general statements attributed to older persons do not define aging and contain many assumptions that increase a negative attitude toward growing older and being older. And, while each or all may pertain to individuals, they do not present the actuality of being or becoming older.

The myths give rise to and support the current discriminatory attitudes against older Negative expectations of aging have been with us for many centuries. Discriminatory feelings are not new. Long ago the respect and esteem for the world of elders disappeared. For example, listen to the words of Macbeth, given to us by Shakespeare, in the seventeenth century. Here are the words of Shakespeare from the play, Macbeth.²

I have lived long enough, my way of life

Is fallen to the sere, the yellow leaf,

And that which should accompany old age,

As honor, love, obedience, troops of friends,

I must not look to have, but in their stead,

Curses, not loud but deep, mouth-honor, breath

Which the poor heart would fain deny and dare not.

The negative attitudes noted by MacBeth continue and are well-worn in the present day. Discrimination prevails; the hope for honor, respect, and courtesy is not present in our culture. Aging Wisely presents the lives of senior citizens with the activity, strength, and feelings that dominate their lives.

Read on, dear reader, and enjoy the picture of senior citizens solving the difficulties that are met, to age wisely.

CHAPTER I

Life and Aging

Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.

—Soren Kierkegaard

To age wisely seems a possibility, a dream, as if knowing how to age might erase the aging itself. Rather, it means using experience as a guide, anticipating what happens to us as we grow older, selecting choices that enrich who we are, and having a means of approaching and solving problems that will provide the best living possible as we age.

I Know More Now than I Used To

Or so it would seem. I am eighty-five years old and would like to put some of my experiences in perspective. If I can understand my past, perhaps I can help other people meet the emotional challenges of aging and help them to understand that their concerns and anxieties are normal, and they can be prepared to meet them. Contentment and joy come from within. It is never too late to find that inner space that opens to contentment and enjoyment in life.

Throughout my life, I have been fascinated by people and how they respond to situations, how some people express their feelings so easily, and how others seem to have no emotional reactions. Growing up in a family of seven children, I remember trying to anticipate how each of my sisters and brothers and both of my parents would feel and react to situations that were coming. So, I became a psychologist.

For this book, I will focus on the emotional challenges that one meets in later life. Many people fantasize that in age the problems of life have been resolved. After all, responsibilities have let up, and as we retire, professional and work responsibilities disappear. Yet we know that with age, sometimes the opposite is true. Emotional demands are often heightened, difficult choices must be made, and illness is almost universal. Worse, often it seems that much of the emotional reserves we’ve spent our lives developing are suddenly used up. Now challenges demand even more from our being, from our health, and from our mental strength.

Sorrow comes our way: Sorrow is a deep sadness and distress at the loss of someone. And, yes, I have known sorrow. Sorrows that linger are the loss of my mother and my oldest sister. These are the people whose presence is with me every day, reminding me of the importance of living well and especially the importance of giving to others. The love from my mother lives in me—she had a devotion to her children that gave them the bases for a life of happiness. I remember well the guidance of my sister: Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself and Keep peace with your soul in all that you do.

Sorrow affects us, often in different ways. There is a peace that can be found through sorrow—the knowledge that love stays with you. We will take a deeper look at sorrow, its implications for living and loving, and how to let sorrow enrich our life.

Loneliness may descend: Loneliness descends upon many an older person. It is a terrible, awful plight. It is a sense of desperation, of lost contact with others and with oneself. It is painful distress.

I was lonely after my husband died. In the next two years, I moved from my home of thirty years, leaving many friends, neighbors, and colleagues. There were times