Lost and Found: A Journey of Self Mastery

By Daniel J. Blackburn

Dan is frustrated. He's working hard for success, but success is elusive, and the costs are high. His relationships are all suffering and he's losing his sense of self. At a chance meeting while on a family vacation he meets a man named River and Dan's life begins to change.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Aug 7, 2023
• ISBN: 9798986268194

Book preview

1

"Between every two pines is a

doorway to a new world"

— John Muir

Vacations are supposed to help people relax and rejuvenate. This one quite literally changed the direction of my life. But I had to make it through the uncomfortable part first, the part where my mind didn’t want to slow down and smell the roses. At times it felt like I was losing my mind. At least that’s how I felt the first few days of camping.

It wasn’t the place, it was me. The juxtaposition of moving at the speed of light in normal life to the sudden stop experienced at the campground wreaked havoc on my system. I didn’t realize how hard it would be to let go of the pace I’d been setting. I was used to having a busy schedule, with every minute of the day filled with work. I was constantly busy—always heading off to the next emergency. If there was an extra moment of spare time, it got filled with a quick cigarette while no one was watching.

The hectic schedule didn’t seem out of the ordinary to me. In fact, it was completely necessary. With blinders on, the only thing I paid attention to was whatever was right in front of me. I didn’t know what to do about the things beyond my field of vision, so it was better to keep them out of my view. It made things easier. Just keep the head down and lean in. Working hard to provide a better future for my family was all I knew.

A couple months earlier, during a month-long string of workdays without a break, my wife, Ann, had come as close to losing her temper as I’d ever seen. It took a lot to get her to that point.

If this is what our life is going to be like, she said, referring to my work schedule, you might as well quit this job and find another. It’s not worth it. At 5’6", she appeared taller to me just then. Shoulder-length, dark brown hair seemed to spark in the gentle breeze. Her pale green eyes, normally calm and smiling, flashed with anger. She was fired up.

I couldn’t blame her. Fourteen-hour days had become a common theme the past couple of weeks. It’s not that I relished staying at work. The boys were growing fast and the woman I often called Sunshine deserved better than a vacant spot at the dinner table. Relief would come soon enough. Mark, my new associate store team leader, was finally in place and trained with the help of the team leaders.

Ann was right, though. Something had to change. This time it was an associate manager. Last time it was something else and there’d be a new emergency soon enough. She took the initiative and signed us up for vacation at a family campground. It would be our first real vacation in more than four years.

Someone had mentioned something about the adjustment period required to relax. I couldn’t remember who, but he said it would take about three days to adjust. Poker face skills were important during those first few days—appear relaxed and calm, master the look of being one with nature. I wore the calm and serene version of myself on the outside while inside was a different story. I was anxious, nervous about everything that could go wrong at the store, and the list was long—equipment failures, employee’s calling in sick, food safety issues, people safety, customer happiness, etc., were daily concerns, along with sales, profitability, and labor.

The boss seemed only to care about looking good on paper. Proving everything took up more time than necessary. Often, helping him look good meant doing extra busy work like answering the same questions two or three different ways for different people. All that extra work didn’t change the results. It didn’t even change my approach to the next financial reporting period. All it really did was give him talking points to use while wasting hours of my day.

I’d become hyper-vigilant at anticipating everything. It felt like being in a hamster wheel—a squeaky one. It was a rusty squeak that sounded off every time the wheel went around its axis. Annoying at first, I’d gotten used to it. Somehow the squeak became a regularly scheduled part of the day. That was a problem. I couldn’t hear the squeak at the campground and that meant something was wrong. My mind was searching for something wrong, like an invisible hand reaching out for something to grab onto. It constantly searched for the squeak that wasn’t here. A little voice inside my head sarcastically suggested maybe another week of vacation would make a difference, but he doubted it.

Those first days of vacation passed slowly, with the campground trail system being the only place available for me to release nervous energy and possibly sneak a cigarette. Wednesday arrived before I realized how gorgeous the cathedral of trees were as I walked hurriedly through them.

I swear I heard a voice calling out the only one you’re fooling is yourself, and it caused me to stop and look around. It was the stop I needed. Tall white pines, with their rough gray bark and long needles grouped in five, moved gently in the breeze. Five letters in white, five needles on a white pine, came a voice from my childhood. The smell of pine infused the air.

Beside and between the white pines stood red pine with smooth reddish gray bark and needle groups of three. Three letters in red and three needles in a group, the voice again reminded. These trees had been here the whole time and I’d missed their beauty until now. I was the one who hadn’t been present. After putting out my American Spirit, I sat down on a bench near me. It was a pause I needed to start seeing the world around me.

The bench offered a view of the lake. Native flowers of blue and white grew in the small open glen between the bench and the lake. Chickadees chirped chicka-a-dee-dee-dee repeatedly while a red squirrel sounded the alarm at my intrusion. It wasn’t something to fix and it didn’t have the same characteristics as a squeaky wheel, but it was something my mind attached itself to and was somewhat satisfied with.

The next couple of days were significantly different from the first few. Saying it felt like I woke up suddenly doesn’t exactly describe what this was. I was more aware, more present to what was right in front of me, and at the same time, I felt myself start to relax a bit. Ann noticed the difference right away.

Welcome to camp, she said, smiling with her head tilted slightly to the side. Her right eyebrow was always slightly higher than the left, giving her the look of constant curiosity combined with the joy of discovery all at once.

The boys noticed, too. I don’t know how, but they did. Both began asking me to watch them play with their friends or swim with them in Burntside Lake. Had they been asking me the whole time and I hadn’t noticed, like the pine trees? My internal critic voiced his opinion. He wasn’t kind. Where the hell have you been? I was used to the critic.

As the clarity of work lost its focus, family and camp moved front and center. Gabe, with his long thin legs, loved to run through the trails while playing with his new friends. At six years old, he was in constant motion. Bright green eyes wide with the sheer joy of movement, his quest for adventure had been tapped. He was in love with the great Northwoods.

At two and a half, Quinn often tried to follow Gabe before moving on to more fruitful activities, like taking all his clothes off while running up and down the beach. At times he’d run into the woods to hide. Never going far, he’d watch me in a game of hide and seek. His white hair always gave his position away.

Soon we were on the sixth day. A mix of feelings bubbled up. There was gratitude for the break and gratitude for the return. The boys were incredibly happy we came and sad to see it end. Ann and I seemed to share feelings of relief for a moment. Camping can be a lot of work.

Unbidden, from the back of my mind came a voice alerting me to all the things I’d need to do when we got home. After closing ceremonies, we took pictures, said our goodbyes, exchanged addresses, phone numbers, and promises to stay in touch with some of Gabe’s new friends. A touching moment in time. The boys had made some good friends. We’d met some nice folks as well, but I could feel the pull of work coming and tomorrow we’d be home.

We cleaned up the campsite, lit a fire, and got the boys ready for bed. Sleep didn’t come easily because they were excited and sad. Adventure had found them and they didn’t want to let it go. Eventually the sounds of camp turned from the cacophony of families packing up to the quiet of camp at dusk. Gabriel and Quinn found their next adventures in their dreams.

On the last night the adults took turns going to the sauna. Men went first this time. I kissed Ann and made my way down the path to the old building on the lake. It was dusk and the campground seemed almost still. Three rounds in a hot sauna, each round followed by a quick dip in the cool lake, would feel great tonight. Somehow the midweek sauna had been missed. There wouldn’t be another chance this time. I’d never been in a sauna like this before, but I’d heard a lot about it.

A great sauna is like a deep cleansing of the soul. The sauna at the campground was indeed rare. It was old and well cared for. The building was small and divided into two rooms. The first room had hooks on the wall for clothes and benches for sitting around the perimeter. People had their choice of changing in the first room or on the deck just outside. When ready, it was time to enter the hot room which seemed tiny—maybe 12’ x 12’. A wood stove was immediately to the right of the entrance with a wooden 2 x 4 fence surrounding it. Three wooden benches, built bleacher style, lined the far wall. On the left was an exit door that led out onto a deck that wrapped around the building. A ramp from the deck stretched out over the water.

One window was in the wall beside the door between the room. It had an old lantern burning low and provided a small amount of light inside both rooms. The stove is tended by an expert in the art of the wood-fired stove. Every now and then, he (or she for the women’s group) would open the door to the wood stove and throw in a few pieces of chopped wood. When enough wood was in the stove the door closed and air flow adjusted before returning to the warm room or outside to cool off.

I’d heard this sauna got hot and it did. The thermometer hanging in the window read 205 degrees. I didn’t smell any wood smoke either. The only water in the room went on the benches, not the stove. Water on that stove would be dangerous, creating steam that could burn people fast. The high bench was always hotter than the bottom, but they were all incredibly hot unless water from one of the buckets was put on the bench. I learned that tip quickly after sitting on a hot, dry bench, causing the muscles in my body to quickly brace against the initial heat. I forced myself to let go of that initial brace, and tension slowly melted away. Eventually my body accepted the heat like a mini-surrender to the elements.

There were nine men signed up for the group that night. I didn’t know any of them before that week. Five of them were already in the room when I arrived. I sat on the middle bench alone. Then another man came in and I moved over. We took turns putting cold water down on the benches before sitting in silence.

One of the more experienced campers spoke up and introduced himself. The rest of us followed. After that, small conversations started between friends, brothers, fathers and sons, and acquaintances. River, the guy next to me, must have been new here, just as I was. Our conversation started with where we lived. Interestingly, we lived close to each other. River owned one of the coffee shops in the neighborhood. I was embarrassed to say I knew where it was and had never been in it. Not that I went to all the coffee shops in town, but River’s place was different. I passed it on my way to work. I probably walked by The Karmic Bean two to three times a week. It always smelled delicious at 5 a.m. and I was always in a hurry. I’d tell myself, Man, you’ve got to go in there someday and then I’d move on. River heard my being in a hurry excuse and said, Aren’t we all?

It’s a great place. If you like chai, the version I make is perfectly balanced, he said.

I looked at him with some disbelief. I like a good chai but hadn’t had much luck in coffee shops close to home. He explained his chai as being not so spicy as to leave you sweating or coughing and not so sweet that it left you thirsty. I knew what he meant. If I wanted syrup, I’d order syrup.

That sounds really good, I said.

That’s just the chai, River said proudly. I get the coffee from everywhere in the world and know the growers personally. The quiche, muffins, scones, and biscuits are made at a local bakery. They’re delicious. The scones and biscuits are finished daily in the little kitchen we have. His pride was genuine, but not overdone.

Ohhh. So, that’s why it always smells so good when I walk by. I hate to say this, but I don’t even know when you open.

I won’t take it personally. Sometimes it’s hard seeing the tree in the forest.

A comment that didn’t fall on deaf ears, but I didn’t know what to do with it yet.

We open at 6 a.m. but I’m usually there at five getting myself and the place ready. If you’re able to give yourself permission, come around back and announce yourself. We’ll have a cup of something hot and chat it up a bit before you go off to slay your dragons.

You know…? I started. Give myself permission? What the heck was this dragon slaying stuff? I’m going to take you up on that. By the way, you said we. Do you have a partner?

Partners in the business? No. I have a team though. It’s a good team and I’m lucky to have them. He was earnest in his comment on the team. I believed him. I’ve heard people say kind words when the comment sounded hollow and rehearsed, like it’s something they have to say—an obligation. When River said it, I felt the warmth. For a split second I wondered what it felt like to be on his team.

I’ve been in your place by the way, he said. It’s a nice store. Friendly people, fresh food, and clean.

It’s not actually mine. I work for someone else.

Hmmm. Does that make it any less yours?

What do you mean?

I mean, didn’t you choose to work for them?

Well, yes. I guess so.

I could stay about eight minutes in the hot room before needing relief. The time varied for different people. It could be shorter for some and longer for others. River seemed to be on the same time frame as me. He started looking at the door and then changed his mind.

Okay, I wanted to make sure. Ownership is in the mind, you know. It’s not easy being your own boss. There’s no one to blame when things go wrong. He looked over at me then. He seemed to be looking right down into my soul, like he was trying to remind an old friend of something.

Before anyone can be a leader of others, they need to be the leader of themselves. That’s the secret no one talks about. Self-mastery, he said before standing up. I’ve got to cool off. You good? he asked.

I’m with you, I said while standing up.

Hey, said someone in the dark Can one of you guys put some fresh water in the bucket? It’s getting a little warm.

Sure, I said, grabbing the bucket. I got it.

Coming down! River said loudly at the closed door. It was loud enough for anyone on the other side of the door to hear. Someone might be on the dock, on the ramp leading back from the lake, or in the water right in front of the ramp. Coming down is an important announcement for the safety of everyone involved. I let River get a good head start and then followed him down the ramp carrying the bucket. I quickly made my way to the end of the ramp, looked out for the heads that could be seen above the water line, and dove into an unpopulated area of the little bay. The lake provided almost instant relief. I quickly found if I stayed still in the cold water the heat trying to escape my body would meet the cold lake and form an envelope of comfort, like a blanket or a cocoon. Staring up at a dark sky filled with stars right then was awe inspiring.

Coming up! I heard River say as he went back up the ramp. I was alone for a moment or two before the sound of Coming down! could be heard, followed by splashing as the next few guys dove into the water.

There wasn’t any breeze that night and the water was calm, the only exception being the ripples caused by guys getting in the water. It was incredibly dark that night, making the stars that much crisper. Squatting down until neck deep in the water, I stayed there in silence, still to the world. I loved being in my makeshift cocoon. River’s words sneaked into my mind—self-mastery. It sounded good. It sounded like something I should learn more about.

Eventually the heat subsided and the cold lake water made its way next to my skin. Heading back toward shore, I found the ramp. Two lanterns on the deck at the top of the ramp lit the corners of the building. The light was enough to show the way, even though it didn’t spread much farther than a few feet beyond the glass protecting the kerosene-fueled flame. When the ramp was clear I announced, Coming up! firmly and made my way up the ramp carrying a bucket filled with fresh cold water. I walked around the front of the building, into the changing room and then into the heat of the sauna, closing the door as fast as I could while trying to save as much cold water as possible. I remembered to put some water on the bench next to River before returning the bucket. Someone said, Thanks for the fresh water, as I took my seat.

I’m curious, River. You said you wanted to make sure. What did you mean by that?

Sorry. That was just me being a smart-ass.

‘Ownership is all in the mind’ was kind of smart-assed, I said with a grin, but it did make me think about working for myself like you do. And what is self-mastery? Inquiring minds want to know.

River sat in silence. His was leaning forward with his forearms on his legs while looking towards the hot stove. It’s nice, isn’t it? Look at that stove. It’s red hot. It feels good, doesn’t it?

There’s nothing quite like a sauna on the lake, especially in the early summer. I shared how I imagined myself to be a piece of metal being put into the forge. The heat gently pulled impurities out of my body, followed quickly by a cold dip to temper the steel and knock off the slag.

It did feel good.

I wondered if he would talk about self-mastery and was about to repeat myself when he asked, Do you really want to hear my thoughts on the matter?

Please.

I believe we all work for ourselves. Most don’t realize it.

Excuse me?

Many people forget they have a real choice in what they do. They tie themselves to work like they’re in handcuffs. They become victims in the process and lose themselves. I gladly work for myself and serve my customers directly. The customer pays me. You aren’t any different. Hopefully you know what makes you happy and what doesn’t. Maybe I’m reaching here, but hopefully you made a choice on who to hire yourself out to. When I’m not happy with who’s paying me, I have the choice to examine my beliefs, sell the shop, kick out a customer, or variations of all those things. When you’re not happy with whose paying you, you get to examine your beliefs and accept, quit, or modify the hiring contract in some way. Actually, you can walk away faster than I can. There’s less legal ties.

That’s interesting. I never thought of it that way.

Most people don’t, but you might be one of those few people in the world that can see it that way.

Was he being sarcastic? I looked around the small room to see if anyone else was listening to us. No one was.

Sarcasm?

Not at all. Not many people take the time to consider their options. They just get in their hamster wheel and run. I have a feeling you might be ready to consider your options.

How did River know about the hamster wheel? He couldn’t know. That would be way too strange.

And how do you know that?

That’s easy. We’re talking. I don’t believe in coincidences.

We sat in silence. I hadn’t had a deep conversation like this in a long time, maybe ten years. A conversation about mastery was completely new. I wanted it to continue.

I’m out, River said. I can’t take another round. I’m going in one last time to cool down and then I’m back to camp to pack.

He looked over at me and spoke. Man, one last fire sure would be nice, wouldn’t it?

I jumped at the chance. "We have a fire going at our campsite. We’re at the Wolf cabin tent. You’re more than welcome to pull up a chair and have a seat at