Drama King: A Nicky and Noah Mystery: Nicky and Noah Mysteries, #18

By Joe Cosentino

It's summertime at Treemeadow College and the living isn't easy. Theatre professors and adorable couple Nicky, Noah, and their thespian troupe stage an original musical adaptation of the King Arthur Legends entitled, Knights in Tights. Queens blissfully shout, "King me," until critics drop like their scathing reviews. Once again in this novel, our favorite thespians will need to use their drama skills to catch the killer before their crowns spin—around their throats. You will be applauding and shouting Bravo for Joe Cosentino's fast-paced, side-splittingly funny, edge-of-your-seat entertaining eighteenth mystery in this delightful series. It's a royal riot! So hurry to your seat. The stage lights are coming up in Camelot on a king on the down low who pulls his long sword out of a tight stone, knights of the roundtable craving a circle jerk, a half-fairy son with a daddy complex, more men in tights than in a Promise Keepers' convention, and murder!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Joe Cosentino
• Release date: Oct 1, 2023
• ISBN: 9798215535387

Joe Cosentino

JOE COSENTINO was voted Favorite MM Mystery, Humorous, and Contemporary Author of the Year by the readers of Divine Magazine for Drama Queen, the first Nicky and Noah mystery novel. He is also the author of the remaining Nicky and Noah mysteries: Drama Muscle, Drama Cruise, Drama Luau, Drama Detective, Drama Fraternity, Drama Castle, Drama Dance, Drama Faerie, Drama Runway, Drama Christmas, Drama Pan, Drama TV, Drama Oz, Drama Prince, Drama Merry, Drama Daddy, and Drama King; the Player Piano Mysteries: The Player and The Player's Encore; the Jana Lane Mysteries: Paper Doll, Porcelain Doll, Satin Doll, China Doll, Rag Doll; the Cozzi Cove series: Cozzi Cove: Bouncing Back, Moving Forward, Stepping Out, New Beginnings, Happy Endings; the In My Heart Anthology: An Infatuation & A Shooting Star; the Tales from Fairyland Anthology: The Naked Prince and Other Tales from Fairyland and Holiday Tales from Fairyland; the Bobby and Paolo Holiday Stories Anthology: A Home for the Holidays, The Perfect Gift, The First Noel; and the Found At Last Anthology: Finding Giorgio and Finding Armando. His books have won numerous Book of the Month awards and Rainbow Award Honorable Mentions. As an actor, Joe appeared in principal roles in film, television, and theatre, opposite stars such as Bruce Willis, Rosie O'Donnell, Nathan Lane, Jason Robards, and Holland Taylor. He received his Master of Fine Arts degree from Goddard College, Master's degree from SUNY New Paltz, and is a happily married emeritus college theatre professor residing in New York State.

Book preview

Praise for the award-winning Nicky and Noah mysteries:

Joe Cosentino has a unique and fabulous gift. His writing is flawless, and his use of farce, along with his convoluted plotlines, will have you guessing until the very last page, which makes his books a joy to read. His books are worth their weight in gold, and if you haven't discovered them yet you are in for a rare treat. Divine Magazine

"a combination of Laurel and Hardy mixed with Hitchcock and Murder She Wrote...Loaded with puns and one-liners...Right to the end, you are kept guessing, and the conclusion still has a surprise in store for you." Optimumm Book Reviews

adventure, mystery, and romance with every page....Funny, clever, and sweet....I can’t find anything not to love about this series....This read had me laughing and falling in love....Nicky and Noah are my favorite gay couple. Urban Book Reviews

For fans of Joe Cosentino's hilarious mysteries, this is another vintage story with more cheeky asides and subplots right, left and centre....The story is fast paced, funny and sassy. The writing is very witty with lots of tongue-in-cheek humour....Highly recommended. Boy Meets Boy Reviews

Every entry of the Nicky and Noah mystery series is rife with intrigue, calamity, and hilarity...Cosentino keeps us guessing - and laughing - until the end, as well as leaving us breathlessly anticipating the next Nicky and Noah thriller. Edge Media Network

This is one hilarious series with a heart, and it just keeps getting better. I highly recommend them all, and please read them in the order they were written for full blown laugh out loud reading pleasure! Scattered Thoughts and Rogue Words

A laugh and a murder, done in the style we have all come to love....This had me from the first paragraph....Another wonderful story with characters you know and love! Crystals Many Reviewers

These two are so entertaining....Their tactics in finding clues and the crazy funny interactions between characters keeps the pages turning. For most of the book if I wasn't laughing, I was grinning. Jo and Isa Love Books

Superb fun from start to finish, for me this series gets stronger with every book, and that’s saying something because the benchmark was set so very high with book 1. Three Books Over the Rainbow

The Nicky and Noah Mysteries series is perfect for fans of the cozy mystery sub-genre. They mix tongue-in-cheek humor, over-the-top characters, a wee bit of political commentary, and suspense into a sweet little mystery solved by Nicky and Noah, theatre professors for whom all the world’s a stage. Prism Book Alliance

The Nicky and Noah Mysteries by Joe Cosentino

Drama Queen

Drama Muscle

Drama Cruise

Drama Luau

Drama Detective

Drama Fraternity

Drama Castle

Drama Dance

Drama Faerie

Drama Runway

Drama Christmas

Drama Pan

Drama TV

Drama Oz

Drama Prince

Drama Merry

Drama Daddy (novelette)

Drama King

DRAMA KING

a Nicky and Noah mystery

Joe Cosentino

Copyright 2023 Joe Cosentino

Published in the USA

This is a work of fiction. All characters, places and events are from the author’s very vivid imagination and should not be confused with fact. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, events or places is purely coincidental.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced in any material form, whether by printing, photocopying, scanning or otherwise without the written permission of the author.

The content of this book is not meant to diagnose, treat, or prevent any illness or condition. This novel is for mature readers.

Cover Art by Jesús Da Silva

Cover and interior design by Fred Wolinsky

Dedication

To Fred for everything over all these years, to the readers who begged for one more Nicky and Noah mystery, and to every king who wants to marry a queen.

Cast of Characters

Knights in Tights Dramatis Personae:

Nicky Abbondanza, Professor of Play Directing, Director, King Arthur

Noah Oliver, Professor of Acting, Nicky’s husband, Acting Coach, Lancelot

Martin Anderson, Theatre Department Chair, Professor of Theatre Management, Nicky and Noah’s best friend, Playwright, Guinevere

Ruben Markinson, Martin’s husband, Producer, Merlin (Arthur’s mentor)

Taavi Kapule Oliver Abbondanza, Nicky and Noah’s son, Young Arthur

Ty Wilde Anderson Markinson, Martin and Ruben’s son, Mordred (Arthur and Morgan le Fay’s son)

Sloane Thomas Kapule Oliver Abbondanza, Lady of the Lake (Lancelot’s mother)

Detective Jose Manuello, Pellinore (a knight of the Roundtable)

Shayla Johnson, Martin’s administrative assistant, Morgan le Fay (Mordred’s mother)

Asterisk Oliver Abbondanza, Nicky and Noah’s dog, Cavall (Arthur’s dog)

Tag Tucker Oliver Abbondanza, Asterisk’s husband, Glassic (Cavall’s husband)

Nicky Noah Thomas Kapule Oliver Abbondanza, Taavi and Sloane’s son, baby Arthur

Lairie Naughton, Noah’s niece, Isolde

Bernardo Anita, Assistant Professor of Musical Theatre, Music Director, Perceval (a knight of the Roundtable)

Wang Fong, Graduate Assistant of Musical Theatre, Choreographer, Kay (a knight of the Roundtable)

Tevye Perchik, Theatre major, Gawain (a knight of the Roundtable)

Beau Babcock, Theatre major, Bedivere (a knight of the Roundtable)

Nathan Masterson, Theatre major, Tristan (a knight of the Roundtable)

Shinelle Jones, Theatre major, Ty’s girlfriend, Stage Manager

Family:

Bonnie (Mom) Oliver, Noah’s mother

Scott (Dad) Oliver, Noah’s father

Valentina (Mama) Abbondanza, Nicky’s mother

Giacomo (Papa) Abbondanza, ghost of Nicky’s father

The Press:

Albert MacAfee, Rose MacAfee, Hugo MacAfee, Conrad MacAfee, Mae MacAfee

Fundy Mentalist and Evan Gelical from the Go to Hell News Network

Righty Right from Mother Russia Knows Best News

They Their from Them News Outlet

We’ll Never Tell:

Andrew Lloyd Webfoot, Stephen Soundheimer, Oscar Hammertoe

Vlad Dracul Jr., producer of That’s One Hell of a Hickey

Oh Boy, Po Boy, Baby Boy, Atta Boy, Here Boy of the Boy Toy boy band

Harriet Hungry and Hazel Horney, producers of PECfection

Chapter One

A rainbow pierces through the white fog over the emerald trees in the forest of Camelot. Mentor magician Merlin (try saying that three times fast with chapped lips) discovers baby Arthur abandoned on a tree stump. The child cries. Merlin waves his hands. In a puff of smoke, baby Arthur transforms into Young Arthur. A thick haze continues to envelope Merlin and his student. They choke, clutch at their throats, and gasp for air before disappearing inside a cloud of smoke.

Stop! Did you miss me? I knew you would. Nicky Abbondanza here, Professor of Play Directing in charming Treemeadow College in charming Vermont in not so charming America. I’m beginning my eighteenth cozy adventure, which will ultimately end in cozy murder—five of them. How do I know? This is a Nicky and Noah mystery novel. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

If this is your first Nicky and Noah mystery, where have you been all my life? My seventeen previous cases were spinetingling, knuckle-biting, entertaining extravaganzas—starring me! Since I’m a college professor, I’ll do a quick review for any Nicky and Noah mystery virgins or readers suffering from a senior moment—or seventeen. Let’s start at the top (pun intended) with me. I am the best-looking man in Vermont. Well, in Treemeadow. At Treemeadow College. Okay, I’m not all that hot, but I’m tall, with jet black hair (thanks to Noah dying it), big muscles (since Noah refuses me dinner until I work out at the campus health club—better known as the torture chamber), emerald eyes (from contact lenses Noah ordered online), and a Roman nose (that Noah loves to kiss). I’ll add the footnote (pun intended) that I have a foot long penis—flaccid. Thanks to Noah, it isn’t flaccid very long (pun intended). Not to brag, but my erection would make a porn star bottom leave the business and become a priest (bad analogy). I’ve directed numerous live plays and musicals, a bodybuilding competition, a murder mystery dinner theatre cruise show, a luau show, two movies, a model runway show, and a television pilot. Not to mention—but I will—as an amateur sleuth, I solved seventeen murder mystery cases. But enough about me—since Noah is elbowing me in the ribs. I’ll tell you about my perfect husband. Noah Oliver, Professor of Acting, is my golden-haired, azure-eyed, milk-and-honey-complexioned Adonis and the love of my heart (and currently the pain in the side). Noah (42), and I (49-grr) met here at Treemeadow College — named after its original founders, megabucks gay couple Tree and Meadow—during our first case, Drama Queen. Noah and I got off to a rocky start—since he was my prime suspect! We became engaged in our second caper, Drama Muscle. Noah and I were married in Alaska at the close of our third case, Drama Cruise, and we adopted our son in Maui at the culmination of our fourth mystery, Drama Luau. I solved a slew of other mass murder mysteries (try saying that three times fast wearing a nightguard) here at Treemeadow College (Drama Detective, Drama Fraternity, Drama Dance, Drama Faerie, Drama Runway, Drama Christmas, Drama Pan, Drama TV, and Drama Merry) and a mini-mystery (Drama Daddy), causing the college’s Admissions Office to add a mortician to their staff. We travelled to Scotland in Drama Castle, Key West in Drama Oz, and San Francisco in Drama Prince. Along the way, my family grew (as did my expenses) when our son, Treemeadow sophomore theatre major Taavi Kapule Oliver Abbondanza (20), married his wife, Treemeadow sophomore theatre major Sloane Thomas Kapule Oliver Abbondanza (22), and they adopted thespian-in-training Nicky Noah Thomas Kapule Oliver Abbondanza (6 months). We all live happily (and chaotically) with our dogs, Asterisk Oliver Abbondanza and his husband Tag Tucker Oliver Abbondanza, in the honey-colored Victorian home graciously supplied to us by the college (to make up for Noah’s and my low salaries). Noah, Taavi, and I wear dress shirts, dress slacks, and blazers. It’s an Abbondanza Oliver thing.

We now come full circle from Drama Queen to Drama King, which brings me to the backstage wing at our college’s burgundy theatre during summer break. Why am I directing a show during the summer? With the extra mouths to feed (including our best friends Martin and Ruben who often visit for dinner with their son Ty), Noah and I decided to produce a summer stock show at the college. Since we already had the tunics, tights, forest set, and palace setting from our previous production of Robin Hood (Why the Merry Men Are So Merry) in our Drama Merry caper, we decided on an original musical adaptation of the King Arthur stories. Noah and I got right to work, arm wrestling over who would play King Arthur. Asterisk, our gray and white bearded collie (5), and his husband, Tag (5), a cream-colored Yorkshire terrier, placed their molars around Noah’s ankles at the appropriate time to make me the winner. This minor act of doggie terrorism secured Asterisk and Tag the roles of Cavall (Arthur’s dog) and Glassic (Cavall’s husband) respectively (but not so respectfully). With the role of King Arthur out of reach, Noah quickly grabbed my family jewels until I gave him the role of dashing knight Lancelot. Taavi and Sloane rapidly claimed the roles of Young Arthur and Lancelot’s mother, the mystical Lady of the Lake, with the caveat that Nicky Jr. would be cast as Baby Arthur—if I ever wanted to see my grandson again. My best friend and department chair, Professor of Theatre Management Martin Anderson (primeval), his husband Ruben Markinson (equally primeval), and their adopted son, Treemeadow sophomore theatre major Ty Wilde Anderson Markinson (19), offered to play the roles of Guinevere, Merlin, and Arthur’s son Mordred. When I balked, Martin and Ruben opened their bank books in front of me like an altar boy unfastening his robe before a priest. This garnered the Anderson-Markinsons their desired roles—and my funding for the play. Next, author Martin hit his computer faster than a past Republican president losing an election he had tried to rig and then staging an insurrection. The result? Knights in Tights, an original musical based on the King Arthur legends, by Martin Anderson, directed by Nicky Abbondanza, and starring yours truly and my witty, wacky, and wild (try saying that three times fast with two tongue rings) Treemeadow theatre troupe. Speaking of which, Martin’s office assistant, antagonist, and lesbian thespian confidant Shayla Johnson (age a mystery even I can’t solve), claimed the role of Mordred’s mother, the fairy enchantress Morgan le Fay. As Shayla said to Martin and me, "To show you fairies how a real fairy makes magic. Oblivious Detective Jose Manuello (56, the highest number he is able to count to), realizing an Abbondanza production kills them every time (literally), pleaded with me until I cast him as Pellinore, the knight who finds the Holy Grail. Manuello’s wife, Ariella, our costumer, guffawed at this bit of casting, since according to Ariella, My husband couldn’t find my G-spot if there were neon road signs in my vagina."

I cast the remaining roles from our pool of Treemeadow faculty and students—literally camping out at our pool on campus. Tall, dark, handsome, and built Bernardo Anita (30), Assistant Professor of Musical Theatre, became our show’s musical director and knight Perceval. Adorable, lean and cut Wang Fong (22), Bernardo’s Graduate Assistant of Musical Theatre, signed on as choreographer. Wang, a deaf performer, also took on the mime/dance role of knight Kay. Senior theatre major and amateur bodybuilding contest winner Nathan Masterson (21) was cast as knight Tristan. Stocky, dreamy-eyed senior theatre major Tevye Perchik (21) agreed to play knight Gawain. Theatre major Beau Babcock (21) flicked back his velvety black hair, batted his crystal blue eyes, and unleashed his long molars when cast as knight Bedivere. Rumor has it Beau rivals me in the family jewels department (more on that later). Lairie Naughton (24), stage name Lauren Nightingale, Noah’s gorgeous niece from Scotland, arrived at our door for a visit—after Noah’s letter to her mentioned we hadn’t yet cast the role of Isolde, Tristan’s tricky temptress (try saying that three times fast while sucking on something hard). Shinelle Jones (19), sophomore theatre major and Ty’s girlfriend, signed on as our show’s stage manager—to manage Ty. Then I filled the bit roles and technical positions faster than the Republican Supreme Court majority removing women’s, LGBT, voters’, workers’, and environmental rights, and we began rehearsals. So here I am during tech week, also known as They shoot directors, don’t they? week in the theatre wing—wishing I could take wing.

I asked our stage manager at her console, Shinelle, why are the stage, Ruben, and Taavi covered with smoke?

Shinelle’s techie dark sweatshirt and jeans matched her short hair, eyes, and complexion (and my mood). The smoke machine has a life of its own, professor.

I moaned. Well kill it before it kills all of us.

I’m working on it, professor.

Shinelle, Ty, and some tech students began working on the out-of-control smoke machine.

I was thankful not to be a Buddhist, since I saw my life pass before my eyes—and one life was more than enough. A warm and comforting hand touched my back. How’s my favorite king? Miss your favorite queen? Salvation came in the form of my loving husband Noah, looking incredibly sexy with his flowing blond hair cascading over Lancelot’s turquoise tunic and tights. Nicky, our final tech dress rehearsal is off to a good start.

I did a double take. You call nearly asphyxiating our best friend’s husband and our son a good start?

It’s just dry ice. Ruben and Taavi are fine. Noah unleashed his pearly whites. The elevators under the trap doors worked well. The tree stump holding Nicky Jr. lowered at the same time as Taavi rose—both covered by the smoke.

The entire theatre was covered by the smoke. I sighed. How’s Nicky Jr.?

He’s totally fine and now sleeping in Sloane’s dressing room. Noah kissed one of my long sideburns.

I rested my head on Noah’s welcoming shoulder. He patted the cardinal cape dangling from my matching tunic. I’m too old for this, Noah.

You’re always stressed during tech week, Nicky. It’s a director’s prerogative.

But this time feels different.

He cocked his gorgeous head at me (no pun intended). How so?

I finally admitted it. I’m not enjoying this as much as past shows. I don’t think I have the patience for directing any longer. Rubbing my lower back, I added, Not to mention my lower back is stiff, and my knees are creaky.

No worries. Noah placed a gentle, healing hand on my cheek. I’m right by your side to take care of you.

As always. Just like I take care of you.

And I’d have it no other way.

Like gay soldiers after a battle, we shared a long, passionate kiss.

I heard two throats clearing. Our son Taavi, in his Young Arthur cardinal tunic and tights, and his wife Sloane, in her violet Lady of the Lake silk gown, stood next to us. Taavi’s dimples expanded like road cracks in summer. Hi, Pop and Dad.

Or Grandpop and Granddad. Sloane batted her baby blue eyes and fluffed her silky blond hair.

Noah and I asked Sloane in unison, Who’s watching Nicky Jr. in your dressing room? (It’s a cute couple thing we do.)

She held up the baby monitor. Asterisk and Tag are with him.

Taavi added, Every time Nicky Jr. throws one of his toys from his playpen, they bring it back to him. Our son looked handsome with his Hawaiian complexion. How’s the show coming along, Pop?

Like a Jehovah’s Witness in a ghost town. I rubbed my forehead.

Taavi, bringing the conversation back to himself (an Oliver Abbondanza trait), asked Noah, How’s my acting so far, Dad?

Smoking hot.

Noah placed his arm around our son. Your performance and the show will be fine.

Great. Taavi’s grin turned to a frown. But how come nobody’s been murdered yet?

Noah gasped.