Imprisoned: By My Own Damn Mind!

By Brotha Smitty

Imprisoned: By My Own Damn Mind is a journey through the life thoughts of a child arriving to adulthood, who is unable to maintain any kind of relationship with any human being because of the negative thoughts in his head.
How did those thoughts get in his head? Who put those thoughts inside his head and made him believe that the thoughts were absolutely true?
Labels were inaccurately placed on this young child without any explanation. Educators accepted this term without any understanding of the impact to the child. The child was separated from a normal setting and put into an abnormal setting and asked to behave normal. Other children in the same age-group of our child noticed him and his new environment. Then the flood of horrible name-calling came in and drowned our child in misery. Of course, our child internalized all this pain. That gave voice to the prison guard in his head. He got locked up in his head by the thoughts he think about himself daily.
Is there any freedom from this mind prison? It’s a sad tragedy when your closest friend is suicide. You think he (suicide) has the only way of escape from all of the horrible pain you feel inside you.
Welcome to my tormented loneliness—imprisoned by my own damn mind.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Christian Faith Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: Jun 1, 2023
• ISBN: 9798888324783

Book preview

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Imprisoned

By My Own Damn Mind!

Brotha Smitty

ISBN 979-8-88832-477-6 (paperback)

ISBN 979-8-88832-478-3 (digital)

Copyright © 2023 by Brotha Smitty

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods without the prior written permission of the publisher. For permission requests, solicit the publisher via the address below.

Christian Faith Publishing

832 Park Avenue

Meadville, PA 16335

www.christianfaithpublishing.com

Printed in the United States of America

Table of Contents

Acknowledgments

Introduction

Where Is My Help

Knowing Who Your Friends Are

My Super Imagination

Keeping My Mind on Jesus

Pastor Talk-a Lot

Mental Defense Mechanisms (MDM)

Elementary School Setback

My Graduation Deep Scar

Tormented in My Mind

Mind Escapes

Back to Reality

My Neighbor

Exit Door

About the Author

Acknowledgments

Special thank-you to my heavenly Father; to my dad and mom, Wallace and Barbara Smith; to my Brother, Paul Smith; to all members of my family; to my father-in-law Johnnie Burrison; to the Burrison family; to Pastor Ernest Cameron, Pastor Barbara Cameron, and the entire Harlem Tabernacle Church; to my first editor, Krystal Spriggs; to the Drama Ministry, you guys are the best; and to Brother Albert Roper and Sister Laurie Holder.

Greater than any thank-you greeting my beloved wife Ruth Smith because of her prayers, love, and understanding, believing in me when I didn't believe in myself, encouraging me not to give up on my dreams! This book is a tribute to her faith in God. Thank you, my lovely best friend for life.

Introduction

You will not believe this because I don't believe it either, at least that's what I think. I don't believe that I am at a critical standstill in my mind. However, I truly don't know when it all actually started. You might be thinking, What started? I am imprisoned by my own damn mind! Have I always made decisions from this dark place of my own mind? Was I born this way? Why did this happen to me? Is it because of something I did or didn't do? I honestly have no idea how, when, or why it happened. Who's to blame—myself or someone else? I just know that where I'm located, it is incredibly very real, and it doesn't seem to be going anywhere anytime soon.

I tried over and over again to find out why this horrible thing stays with me. Am I so special to have this beast stay with me all of the time? Maybe this thing has been created only for me to bear. Why was I chosen to carry this heavy burden, and who is it that doesn't love me at all? How can I rescue myself, when I don't even know who or what is holding me back from my true appointed greatness? I have accepted my core deep down inside—that I am hopelessly in a very dark, painful place. I have become imprisoned inside my own wretched mind.

I know what you might be saying to me about this. You must be crazy. How can you be imprisoned inside of yourself?

A very long time ago, I thought the same way. I have since learned that it's very possible to be imprisoned inside of your very own self. Sometimes when I hear myself say, I'm imprisoned within myself, I laugh aloud because it sounds so unreal, but it's very real to me. I was the one who used to laugh and make outrageous jokes at crazy people—like the time the man was seated on the bench in the park minding his own business. It was winter, and this man was sitting on a metal bench. He only had a T-shirt on and a pair of ragged shorts—not only that but he was chatting a lot in the air. It seemed like he was looking at someone in the face and explaining to them the purpose of war. When I saw this, I thought this was the funniest thing. Of course me and my no-good friends made this matter much worse for the man. I walked up to this man, who wasn't bothering me, and I said to him, looking at him in his crazy, cold face, The guy you're talking to asked me to tell you to shut the nasty word up and go home and put on some damn clothes! It's freezing out here, stupid!

My friends and I thought that what I said to this man was so funny. I didn't realize at that time the real joke was on me. Ha ha!

Chapter 1

Where Is My Help

There was another time I called myself funny. Once again, I was picking on crazy people who weren't doing anything wrong to me. This time, I was in the subway with my friends. On the train, there was a man sitting in the corner by himself. Now, there was something truly wrong with this man. First of all, he smelled like piss. His odor filled the entire train car! There he was, sitting in the corner all by his smelly self. What he was doing is something you had to see. He just kept moving his legs from left to right. He would shake his legs, then he would wiggle them. After that, he would tap his feet on the floor of the train car. I thought, This is so weird. He just kept moving his legs left then right. Then he would shake his legs and wiggle his feet then tap his feet on the floor of the train. To me, he looked like he needed to go to the bathroom, but the way he smelled, it was like he already went to the bathroom several times on himself. So I stood by him while my friends were watching me. I yelled out to everyone inside this train car, Ladies and gentlemen on this downtown A train, let me present to all of you—behold, the original inventor of the sit-down dance, Mister Smells Pissy! He would have been inducted into the Dance Hall of Fame, but Mister Pissy refused to take a hot, soapy bath.

Man, the other people on that train laughed so hard. Pissy just sat there, moving his feet to the invisible beat. I was in a comedic role. I just couldn't stop making fun of this man on that train. You know how it is in life when you look back over your life and you wish that some of the things you did, you can take back now. I had no idea what I was doing when I said those horrible things about that homeless man on the train. I wonder what he would say to me today if he saw who I am now. Well, wherever you are, Mister Pissy, sir, I truly apologize to you for making fun of your situation. It's sad that I had to get to this dark place to realize how wrong I was to this man. What an idiot I am! Maybe that's why I am here behind these metal bars. What if it is Mister Pissy who is holding me behind these ugly bars? He doesn't even know me. How could he be the one holding me here against my will, behind these incredibly strong metal bars? How did he capture me and put me here in this very dark place? Why is it that no one else is in here with me? Where are my friends? Why are they not here with me also? Come on, I'm here because I made some cruel jokes about a few crazy people. I'm sure that I'm not the only one who did that before. How long must I stay in this place?

Do you want to see a magic trick? I like magic tricks. Magic was always fascinating to me as a child. Okay, watch this. I am going to yell out help, and watch what happens.

"Help!"

I'm going to scream even louder this time.

"Hellllp!"

You see what happened? Nobody came when I yelled out, Help. I must be the only person on this planet—that when I yell out for help, no one comes to help me or even comes to see about me. Great trick, right? Except, there's nothing magical or anything that's funny about this trick. You see, it doesn't matter how many times I yell out