A Different Kind of Sin

By Jennifer Yasmin

Living her entire life as a lie, Jasmine walks around with a deep secret that no one must know about. Then one day someone finds out her dirty truth, and the world suddenly becomes a darker place. She realizes someone is trying punish her, but why? Lying, cheating, and being a whore, she wonders if she is the next victim of an unsolvable murder. Or maybe she knows more than she remembers . . .

Secretly I am thinking I already have a boyfriend and he would kill me if he knew I was a slut, just like someone killed Sophie Mason because she was a slut. Or perhaps there was another reason, a reason no one knew about. A deeper secret. A secret she took to the grave.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse UK
• Release date: Dec 13, 2017
• ISBN: 9781546283386

Jennifer Yasmin

Jennifer graduated with a psychology degree and has lived London her whole life. After combining her passion for psychology and English, this is her first book, six years in the making and hopes to inspire other young writers. Doesn't matter how long it takes, as long as you get there.

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Dedication

For my beautiful family and all the special people in my life X

A

DIFFERENT

KIND OF

SIN

JENNIFER YASMIN

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AuthorHouse™ UK

1663 Liberty Drive

Bloomington, IN 47403 USA

www.authorhouse.co.uk

Phone: [phone]

© 2017 Jennifer Yasmin. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

Published by AuthorHouse 01/17/2018

ISBN: 978-1-5462-8339-3 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-5462-8338-6 (e)

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

CONTENTS

Dedication

Prologue

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

Chapter 20

Chapter 21

Chapter 22

Chapter 23

Acknowledgments

PROLOGUE

Have you ever wanted something so bad that you would kill for IT! Because I have!

I felt the excruciatingly calculated desire for THIRST!

Enduring every waking hour in agony JUST thinking about it…about HIM! Longing for something your heart cannot have…and greeting your false satisfaction and pleasure with guilt…and ONLY GUILT!

... Guilt. Longing. Undying impossible Love. It’s a lonely place to be.

Misunderstood. Unloved. Confused.

Confused because you become so wrapped up in the unbearable LUST… that you lose touch of reality. You go crazy. You go crazy for the ones you love. For the one thing you will never have. You go to a place in your mind where even you escape your own morals and do the unthinkable.

And then after you’ve done it… you don’t know why you did it in the first place

You look at your own reflection in the mirror and you don’t recognize who you are or what you BECOME – a monster.

Camouflaged in false pride and pretend confidence. Trapped in your own shadows. Unable to forgive yourself. Rivetted in Guilt. Living The life you THINK you are GIVEN.

When all you’ve ever done… is taken…

So you see… I know the pain .. and I experience it every day…

And YES! It is a lonely place to be… when you’re SCARED of your own company, when you can neither surrender nor fight… because when you’re in that battlefield…all you can see is your enemy…

And that enemy? …That enemy is YOU!

****

‘YOU’RE A WHORE AND YOU WILL PAY FOR YOUR MISTAKES. I KNOW WHAT YOU DID!’

****

CHAPTER 1

One Year Earlier …

I know I should be Happy. I have friends. Family. A home … and a boyfriend that loves me very much. I should be content with my life … yet all I feel is this unbearable emptiness inside me. Why do I feel this emptiness? Why am I sad? Somewhere deep in my soul hides a dirty truth, yet my mind won’t let me speak it … and each day it kills me a little bit more. Knowing I can never have him. The mystery man in my life.

He exists only in my dreams yet my existence to him is unknown.

I see him in my dreams. He lives in my memories. He cries in the unseen pockets of my heart. His laughter echoes through the air. I feel him every time I breathe, his presence. When I say his name in the dark - it’s a whisper because no-one must know. And I patiently wait … for him to come. …

Maybe it’s a basic human instinct to want what you can’t have or maybe I’m just crazy?

Am I crazy?

It’s almost painful to breathe because I feel him when I breathe - and it hurts. It hurts when I think of him, of how I wish he knew. But how CAN I tell him? And why would I destroy a three year relationship with my long term boyfriend who would actually die for me! Sometimes I tell myself I’m being selfish and stupid. I try to knock the thoughts of "him" out but then I find myself awake in the middle of the night, sitting up on my bed crying, with one hand on my heart, grabbing at my chest because I physically can’t handle this obscure longing. Maybe it’s me. Maybe I have a problem? Actually, I’m certain I have a problem. But I can never speak to anyone about it. What would they think of me?

These were the thoughts that penetrated my conscience as I walked out of the busy subway station at fifth avenue lane at rush hour on Monday evening. With the wind blowing at my face, scattering my bronze colored hair in all direction and suffocating me with its embrace, I felt a sudden moment of calamity within me. All my thoughts began to buzz inside me. My eyes swerved from one place to another. All I could see was people walking in and out of the busy subway station in their gloves and scarves. It was as if everything was in slow motion as my mind darted back and forth with the visions in front of me. I couldn’t hear anything … just noise … people shouting … trains in the distance … the sound of the barriers opening and slamming shout … the piercing sound of bells in the faint distance from a nearby church. My head became bombarded with these noises and the echoes of my own thoughts.

As I approached the stairs to the exit I caught a glance of a white puffy ball in the arms of a man. I looked back to see it was a baby wrapped up in a furry bear shaped one-piece jacket. I stared contently wondering if the baby knew how lovely and adorable she was. How I wish I had a baby. I didn’t look at the man. I just closed my eyes in the heat of the moment with all the sounds in my head and the coldness in my fingertips. I opened my eyes again and swiftly turned around, accidently walking into someone. Only … I didn’t seem to care much. I was so deavoured in my own thoughts I became lost. I didn’t know what to say or what to do or how to care. In the background I could hear a song being sung in that station. A song that almost made me cry. I’m not sure what I felt at that moment in time … or WHY I cried but I just knew I wasn’t happy. I turned and looked at the stairs to the exit and it was like a blurred vision, all I could see were silver shoes tapping down the stairs and then the legs and a green jacket. The silver shoes, the legs and the jacket all of which belonged to a lady who gave me a disconcerted look. She stared at me deeply wondering if I was ok. Perhaps people could never read my face or my emotions but I could read hers. I quickly ran up the stairs and out onto the main road. There I was, on the pavement, the buzz off the city in the air. My stripy blue and pink ribbon tied to the handle of my bag, blowing in the wind along with my hair. I stood for a second taking in a deep breath and carried on walking. I didn’t know where I was going. I just kept walking. All I could hear were those god damn bells in the distance. It was like it was following me. Disturbing my thoughts.

I even thought about, what if I was in a wheelchair or in an accident, and even knowing everything I did, would my boyfriend still love me? The answer is YES! Yes, he would. He would go to the ends of the world for me. And what about my mystery man? Would "HE" even look at me? That … I wasn’t too sure of.

Yet I still go back to the thoughts of him. Of wanting him! Of needing him! Even though I already had a lover. Perhaps I am being a selfish bitch!

But why would I want him so bad if I have someone who loves me so much already? Perhaps this is what you are thinking. Probably something everyone is thinking. The answer to that … well I don’t know … and I wish I did!

I find it peaceful when I walk in the night. It gives me some form of comfort. It seemed like forever that I had been walking but eventually I somehow ended up at my front door. I looked up at the pitch black sky one last time, as if I was in search of answers or stars, even though I knew you can’t see stars in the city. And that’s when I remembered, "HE" told me once, he would take me to see the stars one day, himself.

I closed my eyes in disappointment as I was sure this will never happen.

****

I come home to pretty much the same shit every day. Mum shouting at me about why I’m late! My baby sister that runs into my lap, my other sister whom I do not talk to, who brushes swiftly past without acknowledging my existence and on the rare occasion when my dad is home I become constantly bombarded with unnecessary stupid questions. Today dad wasn’t home. PHEW! I refused to tell my mum why I had been so late coming home. I wish I could. I wish I could tell her that I somehow got lost in my own thoughts and how suddenly the world felt colder and lonelier than ever. How painful it was to live. But she would never understand. She would mock me or be disgusted. So, I keep it to myself. I miserably walk to my room, drop my bag on the bed, my jacket on the floor and collapse onto the bed for a second contemplating if I should pick it up. I feel sick, I thought. I don’t know why. It’s like I want to cry but I have no emotion in me so maybe I should vomit it out! hmmm … I walk over to the mirror and stare for a few seconds - clearly not recognizing myself - I see a face but no smile. I see eyes but no soul. I see lips but no words or laughter coming out of them. I see white pale cheeks but no purity. Perhaps a glint of stolen innocence in my eyes or maybe it’s a silent menacing plea for help? I see the bags under my eyes and I think to myself, I would totally make a really good vampire with my lack of sleep and broken smile. One thing I did have was perfect teeth and beautiful luscious hair which made me feel just a little pretty. The silence in the air was strangling me so I quickly looked away. It was like the sight of my own reflection was piercing me with my own eyes. I couldn’t stand the sight of me. It confused me. I really didn’t know who she was - the girl in the mirror. I put my pajamas on and decided I wasn’t hungry so I jumped into bed straight away.

Dear Diary,

All I feel is this bleak unbearable coldness that resonates from the pit of my stomach and uncomfortably sits unwelcome in my heart. The type of coldness that belongs only in the veins of vicious reptiles and the soul-less depths of a murderer’s eyes … but somewhere ‘in between the coldness of my aching heart I found solace in tears … a certain relief that strains from my eye when my infectious heart can no longer bear my sins, till my heart can no longer bear my coldness … so I cry. I cry out my sadness and all that is me …

I have never been so dangerously disorientated by my own penetrating thoughts and desires in my life, yet today as I walked home I felt the disturbing presence of my shadow. My guilty shadow. It frightened me. Even ‘I’ could not stand or walk beside myself without tripping on guilt.

A wise man once told me you should not trust anyone. Not even yourself, because even in the dark your shadow will leave you … this is true. My shadow? Does not leave me! It torments me every waking hour, carefully varnishing and sculpting to perfection my agony. I wish I did not feel this way … x

I looked up at the sky in search of promise, in the hope god will hear my silent cry … but I knew one thing when you laugh the world laughs with you … and when you cry … you cry alone x

****

Maybe god is angry with me, I thought to myself as I lay in bed, wondering if "he" (my illegitimate lover) was thinking about me. So quickly did my thoughts return to him. And yes, he does have a name. His name is Prince and he calls me Jasmine flower.

Maybe it was his eyes … that alluded me, that called me, that mystified me, that spoke a million words to me in the silence, that whispered naughty dreams to me in the night. Maybe it was the way he spoke with such mannerism and wisdom yet with characteristic boyish humor in his eyes and jack-the-lad swagger. A hint of passion glowering in his eyes … beckoning me to come and me just slowly falling for him, obeying his every silent command. I don’t know what it is. It’s like there is a faint whisper of sex in the air cushioned by unriveting love and covered dearly by cloudy denial, obstructing my view of what really lies deep in his heart. In his house of secrets. It’s so hard to read him! Yet I can feel it - he wants me. I can feel it in the air. Just something about the way he looks at me when he speaks. Just maybe …

I turn and look at my phone. No messages from him. But FOUR messages from my boyfriend, Ash. sigh! I read the messages one by one as I toil with my conscience, uncomfortably thinking about another guy, swallowing my guilt at the same time. I decide to focus on the messages now so I read it to myself again.

‘Hi baby’, - sent at 03.02 PM.

‘What you doing? I miss you’, - sent at 03.30 PM.

‘Baby I love you. x’, - sent at 04.00 PM.

‘Are you ok? Where are you?’, - that was the last message sent at 07.00 PM.

I guess Ash was wondering where I was, since I had disappeared the whole morning and wasn’t replying. I didn’t even check my phone before but he probably won’t believe me and I can’t tell him what happened, so I just lied.

‘Sorry hun, I was at work. Proper busy. Miss you too. Love you, mwah xx.’

I know what you’re thinking. I’m a bitch, I know. I am so lucky to have Ash but why am I doing this? I know I’m lucky but I’m not happy and I sure as hell hate myself for it! For what I’m doing! To him and to myself! It’s like I have no control! He deserves much better!

I give Ash a quick call as I block out the guilt. The pain. The shame. The lies. The heartache. The prince … and just for once, I smile and fall asleep in a pretend world of happy bubbles.

Few hours later, these bubbles were popped, burst into suffocating poisonous air. I wake up in a sweat, my heart palpitating and suddenly, I can’t breathe. I clasp my chest and the only words that come out my mouth, barely a whisper, are … Prince … I want Prince. My body aching with want! Wanting the same thing I tried to block out. Pathetic really, but this is how it starts. Obsession. It comes from a cold place of loneliness and unfulfillment … and in a weird kind of twisted way, a place of love. Then I remembered the missing girl. The DEAD, missing girl!

****

CHAPTER 2

I’m going out. Ash doesn’t know. He doesn’t like me going out. Infact he doesn’t like any of my friends. I’m going to see Myah, Rocky and Mona. They don’t know about Ash either. Infact they don’t even know he exists. So, I live this secret double life. Lying to Ash and lying to my friends, pretending I don’t have a boyfriend. He’s over protective of me - he doesn’t like me going out at all what so ever. He would kill me! Sometimes, I think to myself, how did I ever get myself into a situation like this? So, I keep this a secret … or so I tell myself, when really deep down inside I know … it’s just another lie!

Sophie Mason. That was her name. The girl that went missing. They found her body two weeks ago in the river half decomposed. She went to my school. She was a whore and everyone knew it. It would take the police a long time to go through all the potential leads. To go back in history and find every man she’s ever slept with, whom are now suspects to her death. The poor girl. We were never really friends. I just happened to see her face on the news this morning. She was raped and murdered. But why? Because she was a whore? Now, there’s a murderer on the loose. I’m a whore, I thought to myself as I slid my hands over my thighs, just like her.

I slid on my red top, that make my boobs look good and I know Ash wouldn’t like this. He wouldn’t like me wearing this but I know I will get attention in it. God, I’m such a tart! I bite my lip and give a little smirk. There’s always admirers at Polly’s Desserts & Shakes Diner. I slowly glide my lipstick across my lips and look at the fragile face behind the make up in the mirror. Pale white skin and pasty pink lips that long to be kissed by Prince. Big innocent eyes daunting back, looking at me with discontent. Stop looking at me like that I said out loud to my reflection - I’m just going out to have fun, ok? Not going to do anything bad - I promise … hmmm empty promises - not going to get you into heaven, I thought to myself yet in my life I’ve heard many empty promises and been dearly disappointed by many. I look back at my reflection and pull my hair behind my ear and touch the side of my cheek. The same place where Prince had once laid his hands on me and cradled my face in his palm. Seems so long ago now. If only he would kiss me too. I touch my lip and draw my lingering finger across thinking how it would feel. Then I close my eyes and bite my lip, sort of trying to remove the thought from my head knowing how much it’s tormenting me. I open my eyes and start rapidly putting my make-up away in my purse, throwing the guilt and lust aside. Another thought entered my head, - I mean I been told I’m hot by many guys - many whom I’ve refused but why can’t he find me hot?!

I lump onto the bed in frustration and lay down for a second to control myself - my silent secret anger. I’m spread out on my bed with my eyes closed and my feet touching the floor. As I open my eyes, I reach for my phone to call Mona. I see that I have a message from Ash. - "morning. what you doing today?" As much as I’d like to think this is him genuinely asking out of care I know deep down, a big part of me knows Ash doesn’t trust me. Hmmm, well I can’t tell him I’m going out with the gang … so I lie!

"Just chilling at home really" I text back wondering if he knows I’m lying.

I completely forgot I was supposed to call Mona instead I get up take one last look in the mirror while I fix my disorientated strands and smile as his memory flashes back into my mind. A moment of frozen amazement gleams on my face as I am left mesmerized by the memory, his touch lingering on my face, stunned that even when he’s not here he still enraptures me … like a star. A memory that is so perfectly detailed in my mind- it’s like a picture with senses. The smell of leather in his car, the softness of his palm, the tingles that ran down my spine, the look of honesty in his eyes. A memory so perfect it should be captured. I am the picture and he is the frame and together we are picture perfect!

Secretly I am thinking, I already have a boyfriend and he would kill me if he knew I was a slut. Just like someone killed Sophie Mason because she was a slut! Or perhaps there was another reason. A reason no one knew about. A deeper secret. A secret she took to the grave.

I had to tell my mum I’m going work. She would never let me out for shisha. Apparently, girls will die if they smoke - yeah right!

On the train my thoughts accompanied me as I sat thinking about that perfect memory. A wishful smile playing hide and seek on my face yet my eyes were deeply filled with discontent. I know this because I could see my reflection in the opposite window of the train, only it wasn’t my reflection. It was of girl with a broken smile and yet so full of hope. An honest girl that lived her life as a lie. I could see the hope in her painful smile when she looked at the child and mother sitting opposite. A sort of darkness arose from within her. She had demons all around her … I could see it … in the reflection … the darkness … the demons. It was as if, she was having an internal battle with herself, desperately trying to crawl out of her own skin … because she knew. She knew she was lying to everyone. She was lying to Ash … to Mona … and worst of all, to herself.

I can’t look at you - she thought to herself as she closed her eyes … you lie … all the time … and you scare me … please leave me alone … let me be happy … be normal. She reopened her eyes and somehow the train was empty. It was just me and my reflection … and my impossible thoughts … then I remembered … I fished out my diary from my bag along with a pen and started writing.

when I fall … he protects me from scratches

and if ever his glass frame should shatter and break

I shall put the pieces of the frame back together again

For I am a naked picture without his frame

and together … we are picture perfect!

****

So, how’s things with that guy? Mona asked. By that guy, I presume she means Prince since no-one knows of Ash’s existence, you totally should go on a date.

We are instantly disturbed as Rocky and Myah jump on top of us in surprise.

Hello girlies, Myah leans over with a kiss. I use to be miss popular once upon a time. Now people are so different. Myah has gone distant from me and she’s changed. She’s been messed around by a few boys and now she walks around with a bitchface which I have told her on many occasions to stop that.

Hi, I smiled distracted, still trapped in my thoughts.

Oi oi hottie, what’s going on?, Sometimes I wish I was as loud and carefree as Rocky.

Why am I so hurt and disturbed by Sophie’s disappearance? Maybe because I know she’s just like me and she didn’t deserve it. She didn’t deserve to die. But why do I feel responsible for Sophie’s death. I barely knew the girl.

I decide I need a drink so I walk to the bar, alone. I feel a shadow behind me and for a split second I think it’s Myah but I can’t mistake the unformidable attracting scent of a man. I turn to see a rather, very cute young guy in a red cap and blue baseball jacket. He looks at me with a cheeky smile and I can’t help but smile back, oh sorry, I say shyly, I thought you were my friend.

I can be your friend he smiled a chinky eyed smile, If you like.

Fuck! Am I blushing? Please say no!

I’m joking … just wanted to say my friend thinks you’re hot … here let me buy you a drink.

Ah damn! His FRIEND thinks I’m hot! Ahhh, but you’re so cute, I thought to myself … It’s just harmless flirting.

Thank you, I say very shyly but I have a boyfriend … sort of … sorry.

The truth. For once.

No worries, with that he gives me a wink and walks away. A part of me wants him to come back. I like the attention. It makes me feel wanted. Wow, I’m such a slut! I should really stop this. Oh my god, am I talking to myself again? Need to stop that too.

I walk back to our sofa and all I see is the girls smiling a ridiculous flirty smile, oh guys stop it! I say flushed.

What was all that about hey?, Rocky winks.

Nothing … just wanted know if I was single, I see the girls faces light up with some uncontrollable excitement which was killed by my following statement, which I said I wasn’t.

Ohhh, their faces dropped altogether at the same time as I said this.

Anyways it was for his mate or something, I say nonchalantly in a sort of I-don’t-care kinda way.

Oooo which one? Are any of them hot? Myah said as she looked around.

Erm, I don’t know, I say giving Myah a weird look.

MYAH! Mona exclaimed.

Hey! Let’s go find out, Myah beamed smiling ridiculously.

We all just looked at her before bursting into a fit of giggles. I was suddenly all smiles and chirpy seeing my girls but nobody really knows the depression that lies deep in my heart or the guilt that buries itself painfully in my soul, playing the violin in the orchestra that is my life.

****

Before I fall asleep, Ash calls me to wish me goodnight but before we know it we both fall into a sleep of a thousand dreams.

There she sits. By the river. In the Heart of the Forest. Amongst the Night and the Lonely Stars.

Cradled in the hands of darkness. The little girl with a ribbon in her hair. She watches the fire flies. They are her friends. She follows them. She runs through the forest. In Slow motion. Her hair floating in the air as she tries to catch the fire flies. She is alone and she wants to go home but all she can do is run. Run after Fire Flies in the night. That little girl is me. I was happy once. I was a child once. I was innocent. Once.

Soon the fire flies disappear and she is alone again, no longer smiling. Surrounded by darkness and the creatures of the night, that just