Prisoner of Pain: Dawn of a New Life

By Sarah Rios

Summer has had a hard life, detailed in depth in her first memoir, Summer in the Badlands. Here, we pick up in mid-2015 and join Summer and her family just after the tragic loss of her young son Tony. We embark on a thrilling and very open account of what happens to a family; A man and his wife; their children; and a woman in her own right, when such a terrible set of events unfold on top of them. Having moved recently from Philadelphia to Charlotte, the family has a lot of hurdles in their way, Summer guides us through her emotions and the situations that happened to her and her loved ones immediately after the loss of Tony. We hear the tales of sorrow, hardship, and ultimate redemption, in the face of trying and testing situations. Read as Summer describes what was going through her mind when she discovered her husband’s infidelity, and as she herself traversed the plains of her own lust and fantasy with a new lover, but an old friend. We discover about her daughter’s challenges with mental illness and how that affected her grieving family, especially when she contracted Covid-19 while being looked after in a hospital. Will Xavier ever be able to look at Summer in that special way again? Will Samia find her way through this dark and hard world. Will Summer be able to keep her family together through all of these hard times? If so, what does that mean for her as a woman, a mother, and a wife. This is a story of painful beginnings, and a tougher life to follow. But, in the end, this is an account of the unflinching bravery and strength that a woman finds within herself when her family is in danger of collapse.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: May 22, 2020
• ISBN: 9781984580924

Sarah Rios

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Copyright © 2020 by Sarah Rios.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

This is a work of fiction. All of the characters, names, incidents, organizations, and dialogue in this novel are either the products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

Rev. date: 05/22/2020

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This Book is dedicated to my son Luis Anthony Rodriguez…there is not a day that goes by that I don’t think of you…There’s not a minute that goes by that I don’t miss you and your handsome smile…My life has forever changed since the day you left. I will never be the same person, and my heart will forever have this tattoo 36249.png It was an honor being your mother…until we meet again my precious son, I am sending butterfly kisses to heaven….

To: My abuela Tona and grandma Candida and my aunt Rosie Galindez who have passed on…you all had to live without a child you bore, I watched you all try and make it through your days with so many unanswered questions…May you all RIP…..

To: my grandpop Eustaquio Santiago, my Aunt Marisol Santiago, my uncle T bone and aunt Angie Parrilla, to my cousin Nancy Quiles, I saw and felt the tears that fell from your eyes, May the peace of God be with you all….

To: some of my closest friends Lisa Rivera, Alejo and Jennifer Rodriguez, and Tia Milagros, I felt your heart break and I understood…May God grant you all understanding…May you all find peace and may the grace of God continue blessing you all…

To: Jocey Lopez, Carmen Santiago, Rosa Meeker and Tynisa Lugo, I read your words that came from a broken heart, I felt your pain, while we may not speak often know that you guys are in my thoughts and prayers always…

And to all the parents who have lost a child, may your heart find peace, may your mind find understanding and May the memories allow you to smile again…. For love never dies….

I

would love to tell you that life is like a movie and that every bad thing happens for a reason. I have never been a good liar, though. The death of a child can either make or break your marriage; in my case, it broke my marriage of 17 years. It held it up to the light and tore it into shreds.

We had a solid foundation. We had our ups and downs, of course, and they brought us closer together overall, but a loss like that – the loss of a child – It is a spiraling abyss. No matter how much love and kindness you try to toss into your relationship, the pain is still there, eating it; consuming it until the only thing it knows how to belch back up is tears and torment. It leaves you craving all the moments that passed you by. We think some sacrifices are necessary when we have them put in our face; it is only after that we realize what we were really giving up.

Yes, I missed football games, plays, and recitals, but I provided a stable home. We lived in a safer environment and in a better school district. I wanted to give my children everything I never had, which was normalcy, even while I did not know what that was, I visualized what that looked like. I was determined to give my kids just that. My life growing up was not the best, in my eyes I was dealt the worst of the worst, but when I started having kids, I gave it my all. I worked my butt off to make sure my children had a better life than I had.

But then I lost him. My son.

Shortly after, I lost my marriage too. My life was in turmoil and I had fallen apart. There was nothing I could do to grab it and put it back together again. My soul was weary. My eyes were drained from crying. My heart was broken. All I could do was keep breathing, and honestly, that was too much some days – most days. I knew that we would never be the same family again. I would never be the same person again.

Losing my son crushed me, I failed to keep him safe — I failed at being a parent. I was supposed to keep my family together. We prayed together; why couldn’t we stay together? All I could think about was my poor son going into the ground. Would he be cold if it snowed? Would the rain seep in and give him a permanent chill? Would he be wondering why I was not there? The thoughts still hurt, and I do not think they will ever entirely stop. I ask myself questions I will never have answers to. If only I could get one more kiss on the cheek, one more hug, one more mama I love you. Maybe, just maybe, that would sooth my soul, or would it?

My goodbye was bent over his casket, feeling as if I was going to die, and I wanted to.

Every day, every single day, I would wake up and look in the mirror. Then I would ask God why I was still living. It was often more of a plea than a question. I wanted to be with my baby. The thought of him alone was too much.

I did not know who I was. I now had to learn how to live minus one. My marriage was failing. Three months after my son’s death, we moved to Charlotte, NC. That did not help much. I did not know a soul and the idea of befriending someone over their garden planters or in the fresh fruit aisle at the grocery store seemed like a trivial monstrosity. I could not believe how I had cared before. It all seemed so pointless and so blank. Every action was just more fodder to throw into that black hole. Nothing was going to make it better. Nothing does make it better, there are just things that allow you to look at it differently. Anyone that had a solution deserved shut doors in their face.

I would wake up with a deep darkness running through my mind. Even when the weather was shining and beautiful; the birds singing and the bees buzzing; I could not see past my pain. And. Of course, the pain was not mine alone, there was my husband too. The sorrow that bled out of our hearts somehow worked its way into the walls of our new home and kept us down in a