Shyanne's Chronicles

By Shanita Blades

Shyanne was often told that she was ugly, black and fat. She was called names and excluded from the group. At thirteen years of age, Shyanne’s body began to command attention from the opposite sex, and she noticed a change in the way her peers responded to her. After losing her virginity, Shyanne decided that sex is the only way to prevent herself from going back to being teased. Not only will she not be teased, but with sex, she can finally get the one thing that she has always wanted:Love.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lulu.com
• Release date: Jan 17, 2019
• ISBN: 9780359362134

Book preview

Reality

Introduction

The world from my perspective is an uncertain place. I should probably understand it all by now. I’ve had so many lessons in my short lifetime, I feel as if I should receive some type of reward. I should at least get a certificate.  But that’s not what I have, unless my reward is the emptiness that I wake up to day after day. Or maybe this enormous heap of insecurities is my prize to cherish. I've been told that because I'm only seventeen I haven't really lived, but they don't know the demons I fight. No one seems to recognize how hard it is for me to simply decide to get up each morning. I see death all around me. It haunts me... it calls to me. It tells me that I will never be happy. I will never get what I have always wanted.

 My desires and interests were always limited. Maybe that is why happiness always seemed to be just beyond my reach. If you only need a few things to be happy, you should be fine, right? Unless those few things are the only things that are impossible for you. I could never get what I wanted or needed to achieve contentment, and I was baffled as to why things seem to be like that. All I ever wanted was someone to love me, but I never thought I was pretty enough to be loved. Then my body changed. It began to curve and grow in various places, and that's where my story will begin: the day that my body was discovered.

Chapter 1

Dorian

I watched him year after year as he gave his time to other girls. He had smooth brown skin and soft, curly hair. His deep, sultry voice, empowered with a Latino accent, commanded my attention. I had heard the stories of the nighttime interludes that had occurred in strange places, but never was I invited to partake of his attention. I was invisible to him until the year my body became a living entity, the year it awakened. I was thirteen. My breasts had emerged from their hiding place, and I felt juices flowing from every orifice. It was time. I had had my virginity for long enough, and he was just the guy to take it.

Walking home from school one day, I heard his voice call my name. I looked up to see his face peeking out of his bedroom window.

Where are you going? he inquired.

Home. I answered.

Can I come? he asked with a mischievous smile.

It was my turn. Finally, an interlude of my own. I accepted the invitation not knowing where it would take me. Time hadn’t had a chance to move, yet he appeared suddenly at my front door. I waited for the deafening sound of my heart to quiet itself before I walked to the window.

Whatchu you want? I asked.

Open the door. he whispered, afraid that someone would notice him.

Why do you want to come in? I probed, trying to allow enough time for my fears to disperse.

Come on, you know why. he said silently.

I do?

Please. Come on, Shyanne. Open the door. He looked so helpless standing there begging me to let him in. I felt as if I was being so mean to him. I walked slowly to the door afraid, but yet concerned about the poor embarrassed soul outside my door. Click, the sound of my soul opening.

Thanks. He gasped as he closed the door behind him.

Whatchu wanna do? I whispered, suddenly experiencing an unfamiliar vulnerability.

He had no words, but only allowed his actions to be his response. A kiss, a touch.  A path leading downward toward the floor. He had done this before. It seemed as if he and my body had an agreement of which I was not aware. A push, a tug, and my clothes seemed to float away. A pause, silence, and then it began. It was a sharp and persistent ache that seemed to swell at an alarming rate. Engulfed now by the agonizing invasion, I began to scream. I screamed for it to stop. I yelled and kicked and pushed until it stopped abruptly.

I looked into his eyes searching for an explanation.

That hurt! I yelled.

Sorry, he said.

Get out! I screamed.

I’m sorry! I heard him say behind me as I ran to the bathroom to see what was causing death in my body. I looked down to see three small drops of red blood, highlighted by my white panties.

Shyanne, I’m sorry. The voice said on the other side of the door.

Just leave I muttered. Leave, The sense of loss confounded me, and I found myself crying. Even though the reason for the tears eluded me, they came forth like a torrent. I longed for the unknown. I cried out for a visitation that would bring peace. It never came.

The next morning seemed to mark the birth of a new me. Yesterday’s pain stemmed from the sting of my death, but in the midst of confusion, a new mindset took over. I knew how to change the game. Being a six-foot tall thirteen-year-old has drawbacks of its own, but then you add my dark brown skin, my out of style clothes, my bad acne, my peasy hair, and my thick thighs, and you have an even bigger problem. I’ve been called everything that the young evil mind of a teenager can imagine. Big bird, Black bird or my personal favorite, Marmaduke. You know, the big ugly dog from the cartoon?  But once the summer hit, and I started wearing those tank tops, something changed. Not one person called me Marmaduke. All of a sudden people remembered my name, and they said it like they liked the way it sounded. All because my tits finally decided to make a grand appearance, and I seemed to curve in places that I didn’t curve before. My hair was still peasy, and my skin wasn’t perfect, but for some reason nobody noticed. Suddenly everyone wanted to talk to me. Imagine that! I had a secret weapon. My body got me the coveted interlude once, and it would be the tool used to produce interludes in the future.

Chapter 2

Kash

He looked over at me, and I knew it was time to turn on the charm. I had seen that look of longing before. I recognized it from guys in the past. The mischievous smile, the licking of the lips and the soft, low, sultry Hello. I had seen and heard it all before. The problem was that I had no idea what I wanted to do with it. I was so tired of drive-by sex. You know, run in, run out, and you’re left alone. I wanted real love. I wanted someone to call me his girl. I wanted someone to save himself for me and make me feel special. How can I know if my soul mate is hidden behind this mischievous smile coming towards me?

Shyanne, I didn’t know it was your birthday today, he said grinning, Maybe we can do something after school.

I don’t think Simone would appreciate that. I said emphatically.

Oh, you don’t know? We broke up. I had to move on, he declared.

Really, and you think you can move on to unsuspecting young girls like me?

You’re not young.

I’m a year younger than you.

You’re only turning fifteen today? he asked.

I have a late birthday, I explained.

So, in that case you need me to be your man. So, I can take care of you.

"Oh really, you gonna take care of me? How you think you can do that?

Let me show you today after school.

I have practice after school, and then I’m going to Rayna’s house.

Tell Rayna you found something better to do, he says as he placed his hands on my hips and slowly slid them up my waist. I couldn’t deny the tiny, prickly sensations that went up my spine as his hands met at the small of my back. I lost my breath when he pulled me close and kissed my cheek. You would have thought that I would be embarrassed standing there in the middle of the hallway in front of my locker, with everyone hurrying to class, but the whole world seemed to disappear.

Oh…Okay, I stammered, I’ll meet you downstairs after practice.

Don’t go to practice. I want to get all the time I can with you.

Okay. A pricey answer to a deadly request.

Rayna wasn’t buying it. You’re gonna do what with who? You’re out of control.

What? What’s wrong with Kash?

What’s wrong? Let’s see… Off the top of my head…ummm… Simone!!!!

They broke up.

I don’t think so

I’m telling you, Rayna, they just broke up, I explained.

And I’m telling you, Shyanne, I don’ t think so!

Why can’t you just be happy for me?

Happy, for what? Because you’re ditching me to get played by some corny, no game having, scrub who thinks he’s all that, but really is nothing. I don’t even know what all y'all see in Kash. He’s ugly, and he ain’t got no kinda body. Just because he plays ball all these girls are trippin’. You’re out of control. Are you done? Cause I have nothing else to say to you.

Why you gotta be like that?

Are you done? I could see that this conversation was over. She was not listening to anything more that I had to say. I wanted so badly to explain to her that I really felt like this relationship would end my search for the perfect boyfriend, but she was stuck on her apparent dislike for Kash. I wished she could see things from my perspective, but she had already shut me out.

Fine, I muttered and made my way to class.

The day seemed to drone on and on. English, Chemistry …blah blah blah. I really hated listening to teachers talk. They seemed to all read from the same boring book. Then there was Math, Girls Chorus, and Lunch. The only academic class I liked was Math. I hated math, but my teacher was so hot. Long dreadlocks, tight jeans, and the best smile ever. He always made class fun. I knew he would be fun outside of school. I hoped one day to find out. Then there was World History, Voice, New Music Singers, and finally Gym. The three o'clock bell rang signaling my release from academic prison. I ran to my locker to put all my textbooks away. No way was I doing homework that night! I headed to the bathroom to check my hair.  It was definitely time for me to get my hair braided. I was so tired of doing my hair. Besides I wanted long hair. Braids always helped me grow my hair out. All I ever did was gel my hair back into ponytails. It looked nice when I had a fresh perm, but it was getting old. And I was not trying to get those ugly bald spots on the side of my face that I saw girls with when they wore ponytails every day. Besides, I was fifteen. It was time for me to have a grown-up hairstyle. I looked in the mirror, and just as I expected, stray hairs were everywhere. I turned on the faucet and carefully wet my edges. I pulled out my brush and brushed my hair back into submission. I looked for my eyeliner and gloss. A little on the bottom lid always made my eyes look light brown. I put the gloss on my lips and stared into the mirror. I looked deep into my eyes searching for something, anything that would give a clue as to who the hell I was. As usual, nothing. All I ever saw was that same look in my eye, and I always wondered if there was more to me than I realized, but I couldn’t see it in the mirror. Well, whatever. Kash was waiting.

He looked so sexy standing outside waiting for me. I wondered if he really wanted to be with me. I mean maybe he thought I was someone else when he approached me in the hallway. Maybe the lighting was bad, and I looked different. Maybe he didn’t realize at first that my body wasn’t as shapely as some of the other girls at school. Didn’t he notice the thick rolls of fat when he put his hands around my waist? Didn’t he see the round pockets of puss highlighted by the dark spots on my oily face when he pulled me close? Why does he want me? Oh God, I can’t go out there, I thought to myself, It’s too light outside! He’ll see how ugly I am! I was so busy freaking out, that I didn’t even notice that he had come back into the school.

Shyanne! he yelled, Come here.

I walked slowly toward him carefully watching his facial expressions.

Hey, I mumbled.

Didn’t you see me outside the school waiting for you? I was standing right by the window. I saw you from outside. Did you change your mind? You just gonna break my heart like that?

No, I’m not gonna break your heart. I didn’t see you, I lied, Where were you standing?

Never mind, he gasped, Let’s just go to my house.

Where do you live? I inquired.

Uptown.

Chapter 3

Food for Sex

His apartment was huge. I kept wondering what his parents did for a living to be able to afford an apartment like this in the city. Manhattan is not cheap, even if it is Harlem.

Have a seat on the couch. Do you want something to drink? In fact, did you eat? We should order some food from the chicken place downstairs.

Do I look like I have money for chicken? I questioned.

It’s your birthday. I’m treating you.

I was so impressed. A man was actually going to buy me food. I had never been treated to dinner by a man before; unless you want to count the times, my father took the family out to eat. This man is not even related to me, and he wants to buy me chicken. I was about to play the shy, not hungry role, but my stomach exposed me.

Grrrrrrr

Oh, yeah, you’re hungry alright, he laughed, Shyanne, I know you weren’t about to front like you ain’t hungry, he teased, as he sat down on the couch next to me.

Shut-up! I whined and covered my face embarrassed. I felt his hands on my stomach.

Stomach all growling...grrrrrrrr...grrrrrr.... I felt his arms arresting my midsection. Grrrrrr, he said as he pulled my body into his. I looked into his eyes and thought, Is he going to kiss me? His mouth provided a sloppy, wet answer to my question. I had to admit that I was afraid when I noticed that his thick, floppy lips covered half my face. I wondered if I would ever breathe again, but for some reason I said nothing. I just kept on kissing him like it was the best kiss of my life. I mean how often was it that I got a man like that? He was on the basketball team, everybody knew and loved him, mad girls were sweatin’ him, and he had money that he wanted to spend on me. The best part was that soon everyone would know that he broke up with Simone and was going out with me. What a birthday!

Let’s call downstairs and order some chicken, you like hot sauce on your wings? he asked.

Uh-uh, I don’t like spicy food.

Then you might not like what I got, cause it's hot and spicy!

You are so corny! I hollered, Just order the chicken.

As I listened to him put in our order, I looked around the room. The ceiling was filled with elaborately decorated moldings. Staring at the high ceiling, I identified the angelic images carved into the black stone. I wondered how much his dad got paid to be able to live in such a fancy building in the city. I could see little tiny particles glistening in the sunlight shining from the oversized windows. I was lost in thought when I suddenly felt his hands on my shoulders.

Whatchu thinkin’ about? You look lost.

Oh, nothing, I said, startled. I was just looking at your apartment. It's nice. I can't believe you live here.

It's alright. Come on, let’s go get the food. He took my hand and we walked to the elevator. When we got downstairs, I realized that there was a man standing downstairs in a uniform. Was he there when we came before?

Who's that? I asked.

Who? The doorman?

You have a doorman? What you are rich? I exclaimed.

Shut-up, you stupid. he smiled and held my hand tighter.

When we got back upstairs, he turned on the TV, and we ate fried chicken together. I was in heaven! I looked over at his fat, greasy, brown lips and I thought, Wow, he really likes me.

After we ate, he seemed like he was in a hurry. Everything seemed to go at a faster pace. He was talking faster, breathing faster, and before I knew it, he was moving faster. He pulled me into this room with all these porn movies, and asked me if I wanted to act them out.

Like how? I asked.

I’ll play the guy and you play the girl. Whatever he does to her, I do to you, and whatever she does to him, you do to me. I was so afraid that he would change his mind about me that I agreed. I mean, we were in a relationship, right? He asked me to be his girl. He was already buying stuff for me and bringing me to his house, so I became the girl in the movie because the girl in the movie had a man, and so did I.

Chapter 4

Am I a Hoe?

The light in the train car flickered on and off, and I remembered where I was, and what I had just done. As the roar of the tracks washed over me, I let my mind replay the scenes of my interlude with Kash over and over. I felt so dirty from the inside out. I kept asking myself, Why did I have to swallow? Did he have to do it that hard?, How long am I gonna be sore?, Is he gonna tell anyone in school?, Does he still like me?"

This is a Brooklyn bound two train, Franklin Avenue is next, stand clear of the closing doors," crackled above my head.

I walked up the subway steps feeling as if my throbbing vagina was going to slip onto the floor. I was wondering if it was going to be like this every time with him. I mean, Kash had the biggest that I had ever seen in my fifteen years (not counting the zebra I once