Make a Deposit: A Guide to Rebuilding Your Identity and Finding Fulfillment After Having Kids

By Danielle L McKnight

CALLING ALL MOMS! It's time to reclaim your identity and find fulfillment—one deposit at a time.

 

Being a mother is A LOT… Everyone depends on you. Everyone wants your time and attention. But what about what you want and need? What about YOU? If you don't know what you want for yourself yet, that's okay. In fact, it's ideal! This is an opportunity to relearn yourself, redefine who you are, and LEAN IN to who you want to become.

 

Lifestyle content creator and mom of four, Danielle LaShawn McKnight was there—a mom who loved her family endlessly but didn't recognize who she was outside of the "mom" title. From endless chores to always investing in family first, Danielle had to do something different or stay miserable. Make a Deposit is the step-by-step guide for women who've lost their identity in motherhood to redefine themselves using their current situation as a stepping stone. Packed with insights into how making small deposits daily can add up to drastic life improvements, this is the pathway that will help you create your best life centered on who you are now. With easy-to-use exercises, Make a Deposit teaches you to use daily choices, no matter how insignificant they seem, to increase your rewards.

 

Discover how to:

• Celebrate yourself by recalling your positive attributes and accomplishments and how they've benefited your family.
• Identify any yo-yo experiences that are keeping you from making progress and create a strategy to break the cycle.
• Influence your dreams by tracking how you spend your time for a week.
• Keep your perspectives from controlling your behavior negatively, get to the root cause of your emotions, and correct them with easy tools like breath work, stretching, or writing.

Things you think, say, and do have the power to change your life. Down-to-earth and humorous, this self-care guide will help you spot opportunities to change your future into one you love.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lock and Key Publishing
• Release date: Jun 22, 2023
• ISBN: 9798987368114

Book preview

I know how you feel.

I understand what it’s like to give all of yourself to everyone else. To spend a good chunk of your day cooking, cleaning, working, wiping tears, kissing boo-boos, and giving cuddles—unless your kids are older. In that case, keep the first two things but replace the last three with making sure chores are done, enforcing rules, and trying to stay one step ahead of your tween or teen.

Am I on the right track? I know that’s what my life looks like most days.

I also know that right now it probably seems there’s very little time to focus on you—your dreams, your goals, your needs, your passions. You probably don’t even know what you want, but you know that what you have is not enough. What you’re feeling right now is uncomfortable because it is SO contrary to where you envisioned yourself going and who you saw yourself becoming. And that’s okay. Why? Because you don’t have to know what you want right now to know that you need a change. All you need to know is that you don’t like where you are, and you want something different. You can determine what that something is later on.

Most of us started our adult lives with big dreams (in high school I wanted to go to California to become a special effects makeup artist—clearly, it wasn’t in the cards for me), and for a lot of us, becoming mothers changed our plans for that part of our lives. Even if your dream was to be a stay-at-home mom, there are probably other aspirations you realized you had after your babies were born. For those reasons, many of us believe that being a mom is the reason we can’t do the things we really want to do or be the women we really want to be. I’m going to turn that idea on its head and tell you something you probably don’t want to hear.

Your children are not the reason your life hasn’t turned out as you imagined.

Your job is not the reason.

Your partner is not the reason.

YOU are the reason.

Let me explain.

When you became a mother, your plans changed. You chose a different path and decided on a different course for your life. Your ideas and what was important to you changed. And at the time, that was a good thing. Your new role required those changes. Motherhood was meant to change you! It was supposed to increase your maturity level, expand your heart, make you more selfless, and invade every crevice of your perspective. When that sweet little baby came out of you, you knew instinctively that your life would never be the same again. And you decided that to love, care for, and protect them, you were totally okay with becoming a new version of yourself. But now, you’ve (at least somewhat) mastered that role, and it’s time to move on to a new one, one where you put some of that energy into yourself to figure out who you want to be.

It’s Time To Evolve

Do you recognize the person you’ve become?

I know I didn’t. One day I looked up and realized that I hated my life. I absolutely, positively hated it. I had everything that I needed—the bills were paid, food was on the table, my kids and husband were happy—and yet I was miserable. My entire life was about everyone around me, and I was so out of touch with myself that I had no idea where to begin to regain my identity. To me, it seemed there were always a million tasks that needed to be completed, a never-ending to-do list that just kept growing and growing and growing. A mountain of things that really didn’t matter. I was sick of it.

After staying home for 10 years, dedicating every waking moment to my four beautiful children and loving husband, I was over it. Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful for my family. I love them more than words can describe. But still, I was done with my life being the way it was. I felt that I hadn’t accomplished anything other than being a good mom and wife. I’m sorry to say it, but even though those are HUGELY important things, they just didn’t cut it anymore. When I finally admitted to myself that I was unhappy (and worked through the associated guilt), I knew I couldn’t settle for the life I’d been living any longer. I knew I had to do something different, or I’d continue to be miserable.

That day, I decided that I wasn’t going to spend most of my days doing laundry, grocery shopping, cooking, and cleaning anymore. If I only had 24 hours, some of them were going to be spent on myself and my dreams. Why? Because chores will never stop needing to be done, and doing them didn’t fulfill me. So, if the dishes had to sit in the sink a few hours longer, oh well. If the laundry was in the dryer for three days, so what? The world wasn’t going to come to an end. I decided I’d get to those things when I could get to them.

As soon as I adopted that way of looking at things, guess what? The world remained intact! And suddenly I had more time to think, breathe, and decide on my next steps. I cleared up some space in my life and my mind— space for me. I really needed it. Everyone else already had a chunk of my attention, but I was starving myself. I was strangling my creativity. I was suffocating my personal identity. When I finally realized that I was neglecting my own needs, and I changed my outlook and priorities by making one tiny deposit into my life bank at a time, everything else in my life changed too, including the disdain I felt for my situation.

I know that saying I hated my life is harsh, but that doesn’t make it any less true. It was what I needed to admit to myself to decide that changing, no matter how scary, was a better option than staying the same. When I realized that the path I was on was no longer an option for me, I was much more excited about doing the work I needed to do to make a real change in my life.

If you’re in a similar spot, I feel you. I get you. I understand you. I was you. Shoot, some days, I still am.

What I want you to take from this is an understanding that it’s okay to feel that way. You are not wrong for having those thoughts. It is completely possible to be BOTH grateful for the life you have and unfulfilled by it. Just because you don’t love your lifestyle doesn’t mean you don’t love your family. As a mom, I know that the love you feel for your children is unmatched and unconditional. But the fact is, they’re going to need you less and less as they grow and mature, and unless you start devoting some of your time and attention to yourself, you’ll be even more lost when they’re no longer there for you to take care of.

This is what Make a Deposit is all about: helping moms who have lost their identity in motherhood figure out how to get it back and find fulfillment in their lives. Motherhood doesn’t have to be an impediment to your dreams; it can be a stepping stone for them. Right now, you might feel that being a mom is holding you back from the life you want, but it doesn’t have to be that way. Motherhood has the potential to be one of the most motivating and encouraging aspects of your life because it gives you someone besides yourself to build, grow, and work for. The problem is that you don’t know how to make it feel that way. But, by the end of this book, you will.

So, what’s a deposit and how do you make one?

A deposit, by my definition, is a small, simple activity that, when done consistently, can drastically alter the course of your life. It’s a seized opportunity for improvement. As you read this book, you’re going to learn to spot these opportunities, use them to your advantage, and apply them to your routine. As your deposits add up in the Bank of You, they will create the results you’re looking for in your life. And we’re not just talking about the things you need to do in the future. We are talking about what you can do to effect change immediately.

Right now.

One tiny investment at a time.

By the end of this chapter, you will have made a series of small deposits that will leave you feeling hopeful about your future and your ability to craft it into exactly what you want. Let’s go!

Think About It

The very first thing I want you to do is congratulate yourself. You are a great mom. You are raising healthy, happy, well-adjusted kids. You are rocking mom life! You get up every day and do what needs to be done for the people you love. You’re helping with homework, building volcanoes for science fairs, and baking cupcakes for bake sales and birthday parties (or buying them—no shame in your game).

You chauffeur to practices and cheer at games, you keep the house in order and make sure meals are on the table (And yes, ordering in counts! They ate, didn’t they?). You admire LEGO creations and refrain from saying every curse word known to man when you step on one of those LEGOs while walking down the steps—even though it hurts like hell.

A+ for self-control!

You say I love you even when you’re mad, you run baths when you’re exhausted, you do hair when you don’t feel like it, you brush teeth when you’d rather be watching reality TV, and you even read the same bedtime story 100 nights in a row.

I know it seems like those are the things you’re supposed to do. But the point is, even though those are things some might say you should do, you go above and beyond to make sure they are done excellently. So pat yourself on the back because you deserve your props.

You’re selfless, compassionate, kind, loving, giving, thoughtful, smart, resilient, and a BOSS (whether you realize it or not). I’m sure that if you tried, you could come up with at least 10 more adjectives to describe all of your positive attributes. You are a fantastic person—not just a fantastic mom, a fantastic person.

Boom! You’ve already made your first deposit. You might be thinking, Wait, how did I make a deposit without even trying?

Well, the trick is that every day there are endless opportunities to do things that will help you improve in some way. When you take advantage of these opportunities, you are making deposits in your life bank. These deposits are often simple and painless, and they might seem insignificant at first. But if you keep making them, they’ll start to add up. And, when this happens your results will begin to change. You’ll be getting somewhere… somewhere you actually want to be. And that’s the point, right?

In time, you’ll find that your deposits are helping you rewrite your story. The goal has always been and will always be to position yourself to live life on your terms by defining what happiness looks like for you and striving to meet that definition.

I’m here to help you decide what YOU want—and then organize your thoughts and ideas to create a strategy for making it happen. As you keep making deposits and investing in your life bank, you will learn to get specific about your dreams, identify the small tasks that need to be done to move you closer to your goal, and commit to completing those tasks consistently in order to change your outcome. When you are finally living on purpose, you’ll begin to find excitement and joy in the most unexpected places.

Now, let’s begin to think about other aspects of your life in a positive light. It’s time to start sprinkling some of the positive energy you give to everyone else onto yourself. You can start by thinking about your life in terms of possibilities instead of limitations. And the best part is that you get to decide what that looks like for you. You get to imagine where you want to go and who you want to be. You get to determine what your dreams are. So, what are some ideas to help get you started? I’ll use my own story as an example.

My process began with starting a YouTube channel. It was a creative outlet that allowed me to share recipes with others, help them with challenges in the kitchen, and simplify the process of getting food on the table. Cooking had become a major part of my life, and it was the most natural thing for me to teach other people to do. At the time, it was how I felt I could add the most value. As a child, I had spent countless hours in the kitchen with my grandmother learning to cook. Being the taste tester had always been my favorite part. Whenever she baked, I got to lick the bowl and the beaters.

Good times!

I always looked forward to the weekends I spent with my grandmother. Her house was the epicenter for holiday meals and Sunday dinners. She taught me to bake her famous pound cake, and it took me years to finally master it. After her passing, I decided to honor her by sharing that recipe with the world. (In case you’re curious, the recipe is in the back of the book!) To me, that cake was a part of her legacy. My grandmother’s pound cake recipe is one of the most popular videos on my channel, and it has now been viewed over a million times. Countless commenters have told me it’s the best cake they’ve ever made. As a result of the pound cake video and all the others I’ve created, I was able to monetize my YouTube channel. Now, whether I work or not, I earn revenue from my channel every single day. I say all this to remind you that you never know where your path will lead you or what you’re capable of until you start doing. Without trying, you’ll never know what potential you have locked inside of you. You’ll never know if you’re missing an opportunity to help someone else succeed.

You will miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. So shoot your shot!

But beware, it’s you who might stand in your way.

Don’t Be Realistic

Ummm…what? I know, don’t be realistic is kind of a weird thing to write. Asking you not to be realistic probably goes against everything you’ve been told to this point. Our whole lives, people have told us to be as realistic and practical as possible. And that’s the reason I’m asking you not to be—because you (and I) have been doing it for our whole lives, and it hasn’t worked out. Practicality and realistic dreams haven’t placed you where you really want to be. So why not try something different? What do you have to lose?

Here’s an exercise for you.

Think about what you want more than anything else, without placing limits on yourself. If you could have anything in the world, what would it be? Don’t think about what fits into your life right now, think about what would make you truly happy and what would make your life better. Focus on beginning to shift your mindset from what you think you can have (what is realistic) to what you want to create for yourself (whether you believe it is realistic or not). Try thinking from your dream and not from your current situation. When you think from your current reality, you are thinking about what you don’t want. When you think from your dream reality, you are thinking about what you do want. Only one of these scenarios benefits you and allows you to grow.

A lot of times, it’s a really simple shift. Let me give an example. Think about money in terms of focusing on debt versus saving. Debt has a negative connotation, whereas saving is more positive. Debt is something we struggle to get out of. We feel saddled with debt—no one wants debt.

Now let’s focus on the mindset surrounding thoughts of debt. You’re thinking…

I need to pay off this debt that’s hanging over my head.

Because I am in debt, I can’t do this or that.

I owe $10,000, but I can only pay $200.

I’ll be paying this bill for the next seven years.

Debt is a negative mindset that puts your focus squarely on lack and limitation. It’s all doom and gloom. When you think about debt, you think from your problem, focus on your problem, and magnify your problem.

In contrast, if my goal is to save, I can use my savings for anything I want— including paying off money owed. When I have a positive goal like saving money for my future, I focus on future possibilities and think about what I want to do in the future. I can do this while paying off what I owe and framing it in a more positive fashion. When you think about saving, you think from your dream reality, focus on what you would like to see happen, and magnify solutions and positive scenarios.

Again, only one of these is helpful to you.

The good news is this is a power we all possess as human beings. We get to decide where we want to put our focus and choose how we will view situations.

A warning: When you attempt to do this, your mind will want to focus on your present circumstance. We are trained to live in and think from our reality. Our natural approach to solving problems is to think about them in the present. We tend to envision how they might continue—or even get worse—in the future. But to make a deposit in your own bank, you will want to instead focus on what you do want, on your vision for a better future. It’s going to take some real effort to get your mind to stay (at least part of the time) where you want it to be. Even when you’ve set your intention to focus on your vision of a new life, your mind will want to focus on all the things you have going on in your life right now. As soon as you settle into your you time, you’ll find yourself thinking…

I need to call and schedule a doctor’s appointment.

When is the grass going to be cut?

I really need to wash my car.

Ooh, we need detergent.

Target run?

Oh my gosh, I forgot to buy Kodi a new pair of shoes! Should I look on Amazon now?

I should probably buy new oven mitts too, huh?

Your mind is going to come up with a million other less-important things for you to think about. Everything in you is going to fight to keep your attention on your life exactly the way it is. You will find yourself having to come to blows mentally. There will be an all-out BRAWL in there over this change you’re trying to implement.

But after you make enough deposits into your life bank and decide what your best vision of your truest self looks and feels like, you will be prepared. You will know what to look out for. You will know exactly what you need to do and what’s going to happen when you try to do it. You won’t expect it to be easy because you will understand that you need to focus your attention on what you want and hold your mind there for as long as you can, as often as you can.

If you don’t know what you want yet, don’t worry. You don’t have to know exactly what your dream is. Just ask yourself this question: What would I prefer instead of what I have?

Now, let your mind wander, and I’m sure it will come up with some visions of a better version of your life.

Maybe you see yourself living in a Hawaiian beach house and waking up to a breathtaking oceanfront view every morning…a constant symphony of waves crashing against the shore, the smell of pineapple and mango ripening on the trees outside your window, and the salty taste of the ocean air filling your lungs as you inhale deeply, grateful that you get to call paradise home.

Or maybe it’s looking out at the audience as you peek from behind the curtain on opening night…feeling the butterflies in your stomach but knowing in your heart that you’re prepared to deliver your lines with as much gusto as you can muster and as much emotion as you can manage. Finally, the lights go down, the audience quiets, and you take your place on the stage. The curtains begin to part in what seems like slow motion, and suddenly your nerves drop away. You become your character fully, completely. The words begin pouring out from you, and the audience is immediately captivated.

Were either of those your dream for your future? Maybe not, but they still sounded and felt amazing, right?

Even though it’s not about knowing what you want specifically at this point, it’s important that you notice how those visions were written. When you read them, you probably found yourself in the shoes of the person I was writing about. When you decide what you want, write it out as vividly as you can imagine it. Place yourself in the situation. Spare no details.

Right now, though, the assignment is only to realize that you can have something better.

You can. Period. That’s not up for debate.

What that something is is the only thing that’s allowed to be up in the air at this point.

Evaluate Yourself With Binoculars

Have you ever looked at your life as an observer and thought, How the heck did I get here?

Me too. It’s not fun.

But for me, that was the first step to deciding to change. I broke down in tears while filming a YouTube video titled STOP taking your hands off the wheel of your life. In that video, I talked about how you have the power to control your life—if you’re willing to take a more active role.

I described a scary moment I had as a teenager that I would later come to realize is an important example of how not to live your life. I was 15 years old and with a boy I was dating at the time. He had just gotten his license, and I was still learning to drive when we decided I would practice driving his new car. We were going down the street, and there was a bend in the road. I was terrified, not only of embarrassing myself, but also of crashing. As fear crept in, I let the wheel go, screamed, and covered my eyes. At that moment, I was too scared to face what was coming toward me. The car