Disconnect to Connect: Tap into the Power within You to Create the Life You Desire

By Amy Vetter

Have you found yourself receiving similar feedback in each job you have? With each boss you report to? With friends? With those you love? 

It is human nature that when we are unhappy with an outcome, we blame the outside world for the circumstances we are in. It is in those times that it is most important to step back and take time to reflect on ourselves and explore the reasons why certain patterns show up in our lives. Often we can feel this internal work can be intimidating. Yet when we gain the courage to review how our past has created our internal stories and be truthful about how our past affects our present moment, we have the opportunity to start off living our lives with a clean slate.

With time and dedication, you can disconnect from your daily pressures and gain perspective on the patterns that hold you back at work or in your personal life. By embarking on this journey of self-reflection, you will unlock the truth in the stories you carry with you, gain a new perspective on how your past impacts you today, and discover more compassion for yourself and others. You will gain the tools to improve how you communicate with the people around you and better connect to the power within you to design the life you desire.

​Amy Vetter, CPA, CITP, CGMA, is the CEO of the B3 Method Institute and an inspiring keynote speaker, yogi, technologist, accounting tech business executive, serial entrepreneur, and a well-known influencer and published author in the accounting and finance industry. Amy is also the host of her podcast called Breaking Beliefs.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Greenleaf Book Group
• Release date: Apr 25, 2023
• ISBN: 9781632996800

Book preview

INTRODUCTION

A Brief History

We all have our stories. We often can use those backstories as the reason we react to different situations the way we do. I have found in my life that stories have been used by my family members as their reason for why they behaved in a certain way toward me or someone else rather than taking personal responsibility for how they affected the people around them. Those stories that were told to me began with stories of my grandparents.

My grandma from Minnesota was supposedly one of the most beautiful women in her community. At least, that’s what I heard from my mom and her friends. At my grandma’s funeral, I remember how many people made a point to tell me what a beauty she was. From as long as I can remember, it is also what my mom never stopped talking about.

My grandma was a Russian immigrant and didn’t marry until her late 30s, and later divorced in her 40s, which was uncommon at the time. Once my grandparents divorced, my mom told me that my grandma favored my uncle, and my grandfather preferred my mom. From the stories I have been told, I made my own assumption that my grandma felt jealous of my mom’s relationship with my grandfather.

The one thing that both my grandparents agreed upon was how proud they were of my mom’s talent for playing the piano. As a child, she practiced a minimum of three hours a day. She won state championships for the piano multiple times and soloed with the Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra as a teenager.

As a little girl, some of my most poignant memories were the few times my mom sat down at the piano and played. I would lie on the carpeted floor, close my eyes, and let the music fill me. When I opened my eyes, I watched my mom’s body fully get into the music and sway to the softness or loudness of the music. To this day, I tear up when I hear the piano piece "Clair de Lune," as I remember her playing it with such passion and feeling.

My mom’s relationship with my grandma was full of turmoil. There was a significant focus on being beautiful rather than on talent. My mom believed that my grandma never thought that she, her daughter, was attractive enough. My grandma put my mom in multiple beauty pageants, and, because of my mom’s piano talent and good looks, she often did well in these competitions.

My grandma had my mom stay home from school on a few sunny days so she could suntan, because, according to my grandma, she looked prettier with a tan. My grandma even put a timer outside so my mom could flip over at regular intervals to even her tan.

Because of her own negative experiences when she was young, my mom reinforced that I should never rely on my appearance. She didn’t allow me to do the girl activities like cheerleading and dance that I asked to do, because in her mind, you were celebrating someone else’s accomplishments and not your own, or she felt I wouldn’t be naturally good enough.

By the time my mom went to college, she and my grandma were no longer on speaking terms because my mom was the unlucky one who answered the phone when my grandma’s brother called one morning.

Apparently, my grandma was angry with her brother and wasn’t speaking to him at the time. However, on that particular morning he was driving to California to visit his first grandchild and had called my grandma so he could say goodbye and tell her he loved her.

My mom answered the phone and asked my grandma to speak to him but my grandma refused.

He told my mom to let my grandma know he loved her and then he left for California. Tragically, my grandma’s brother and his wife were killed in a car accident on their way to visit their daughter’s new family.

My grandma was never the same, and she never forgave my mom for being the last one to talk with him. With this experience and the double whammy of my mom being my grandfather’s favorite, their relationship didn’t have much of a chance.

When my mom went to college, she and my grandma would pass each other in the house and never speak. My mom eventually moved into her sorority house on campus so she could have a place where she felt she belonged.

One of my strongest memories of their strained relationship was when my grandma was dying. I was in eighth grade. I remember being alone with my grandma in the hospital lobby while waiting for my mom to come from the parking lot. My grandma looked at me, then through the windows, where she watched with disgust as my mother walked in. My grandma turned to me and said, "You think your mom is soooo special, don’t you?"

I answered: Yes, I do.

Then my grandma turned her head in disappointment.

At that moment, I felt proud that I had defended my mom, even though I loved my grandma and didn’t want to disappoint her.

I also have memories of how messy my grandma was. She never put away her clothes and many mornings did not bother doing her hair or makeup. When she did apply makeup, it was often crooked and messed up because her hands and face trembled from a disease she had contracted as a child. Her nails were usually dirty from the hours she spent gardening.

But she didn’t care. She saw herself as beautiful up until her last breath.

I had seen pictures of my grandma when she was younger, and she was a glamorous-looking woman. But I never saw her beauty from the same vantage point as my mom did, who had to live up to her legend beauty status. Maybe it was because I saw her being mean to my mom and I was protective. I didn’t understand the hype, nor the pressure, to look like her. I thought my mom was one of the most beautiful women I knew, so I was constantly trying to see why Mom thought she wasn’t as attractive as my grandma. But I never truly understood.

This relationship between my grandma and my mom had an immense impact on my mom, not only in the way she placed importance on beauty for herself and those around her, but also because my grandma was so unkempt, my mom ended up the complete opposite. She tried to control life by being hyper-focused on cleanliness and planning out every minute of the day. As my mom aged, this became a stronger trait, and if you deviated from the way she wanted things, you would quickly see you were disappointing her.

From the time I was 12, I was responsible for cleaning my parents’ bedroom and bathroom. My mom always inspected my work when I was finished. She would point out what I missed and what I needed to redo. If she caught a smear on the mirror, or I forgot to clean something in the grout between the bathroom tiles, I had to start all over.

Then there was my dad’s side and his mom—my grandma from Arizona—who created trauma for my father. She was not a part of my life, as I only met her once. From everything I have heard about her, she apparently was an awful person. She was so bad that when my parents were preparing to marry, their family doctor privately gave both of them Valium to survive her wrath so they could get through their wedding.

I was told she even made my mom’s father (my grandfather) cry once because she was so mean to him. When my mom was first married to my father, she couldn’t get an appointment for any local beauty salons once she told them her new married last name. That name was on a list of clients they would not do business with. (My mom had to sneak in using her maiden name.)

My most vivid memory of my paternal grandmother is when my parents were in divorce proceedings when I was 16. She called me one day after school. I picked up the phone, and all she said was, You ask your mom how it feels to know that you and your brothers are no longer in my will. And then she hung up.

My parents met in college on a blind date. By both of their accounts, it was the first time they had another person in their life who cared about them and truly loved them. I believe they were happy together for many years.

However, my brothers and I never had parents who were whole from an emotional perspective and ready to be selfless because they had never worked on the trauma they endured with their parents. Our parents could not put us before their own emotional needs and the internal demons they suffered because of their parents.

I loved my parents very much, and they were my entire focus, even above myself, when I was growing up. I wanted them to be happy, and I didn’t want them to suffer from their past experiences.

THE NEED TO UNDERSTAND OUR INTERNAL STORIES

You may be wondering: How did I know all of my parents’ backstories?

Because I was the confidant to both of my parents from an early age, they shared their stories with me and, eventually, their feelings about each other. At the time, I felt fortunate to be the child who knew everything. I know now that I knew too much, and it shaped me as a person. I felt responsible for them and needed to be their protector. Each would be jealous of my relationship with the other and wanted reassurance that I was closer to one or the other as I grew older.

Even when their behavior was terrible toward me, I gave them excuses. I held the honor of knowing their past stories. It was my responsibility not to take their treatment of me personally and protect them instead of myself.

As we become adults, these internal stories create the excuses we use for our own behavior when we act inappropriately. This behavior can range from minor things we do each day to more significant issues that show up in our lives. From the work I have done personally—as well as accounts from others I have either known or read about—I’ve learned that we each have the power to break the patterns from past generations and choose to design the future we desire.

Beyond bringing these internal stories and habits into our personal lives, we can often carry them unintentionally into the workplace. In times of change, whether in our personal or business lives, we can feel alone and create unnecessary fear based on our past stories, rather than stepping back and creating space for how we think and how to intentionally move forward positively.

And that is the purpose of this book—to share stories of my own journey and those of others, as well as research I have found along the way—to help you uncover your own stories. By doing this work, it can not only help us to become better individuals at home and personally, but also benefit our leadership abilities in the workplace and help us become a better colleague to others.

In the business world, I have seen leaders spend more time focusing on change management and the future of work instead of creating stronger human connections to ensure everyone knows they are supported and not alone during the change