Pipe Dreams

By Raviraj Mishra

Dream, a way out, an escape from your current life. And the category of dreams which is more like an illusion or a fanciful piece is called pipe dreams. Wherein we ignore all the facts and focus our conscious on something that is clearly impossible to attain or is actually – just a bad idea.
Pipe Dreams is a narrative poetry telling a story of a boy who amidst his anxious and overthinking phase of life gives love yet another chance, wishing for a happy ending. Love on the other hand needs more than one chance and still can't guarantee peace.
The story revolves around the conversations of the boy with his talking mind and heart – literally; and the girl he meets, who claims to have fallen in love with him only to leave him on the first day of relationship. But as already pointed out, love is all about second chances and it still can't guarantee peace. For him love doesn't play partially either. Instead taking away his sanity and forcing him into confusions under the influence of which he gives up on certain aspects of his life, only to please his lover. But nothing works out allowing him to learn about very important truths about his decisions, affecting his state of mind. Which he describes using poems in his journal – Pipe Dreams.
The story finally entails the reasons of his depressive states and the decision of moving on and finally finding his name!
 

• Language: English
• Publisher: Raviraj Mishra
• Release date: Feb 28, 2023
• ISBN: 9798215817988

Book preview

Part 1

Transparent dream catcher

The Beginning

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I will be myself and start the story with a bad time. The phase of my life where I used to wonder when and where I would find the truth, the purpose, and the satisfaction of fulfilling desires. With that, I was holding a broken heart in my chest; I had committed mistakes and left another heart to break. That’s when you feel like a badass sometimes, and your only weapon is the agony you can describe. Being real at that point of time was not acceptable to my mind. I loved the scars and tried really hard to show them off. I had walked away from a place where I actually made a great deal about small mistakes. Took liberty to call names and stretch the topics way beyond the lines. Now when I look back, I know it happened because I couldn’t feel the magic of her spoken words. Doubting every move she made, and blaming my failure to feel, focus, and concentrate on the casual actions she brought into the game. Not being a judge of what’s wrong and right, I would simply call myself a person of weak mind.

But still, sometimes, in the middle of the night when the world slept, I was wide awake because I wanted to ‘feel’. I wanted to take advantage of the silence and feel every emotion that I’d suppressed the whole day. Guilt trips started. Never really judging others but indulging in the worse – judging my own heart. And then there are tears and wet pillows. And a headache that doesn’t stop. Failing to close my eyes, I pray for sleep that can reset my mind. That doesn’t happen either. When this started repeating every day, I googled about everything that I felt. Google said – I was clearly depressed. 7 out of 9 symptoms were visible. After recognizing that, I developed the eighth symptom as well.

I was always fond of journaling, and it helped me to organize my thoughts. I picked up a fresh notebook from the bottom drawer of my study table and scribbled onto the first page – Pipe Dreams.

I wasn’t sure about what to write. All I wanted was to rhyme. And therefore, I just allowed my mind to take charge and control my hands - and I let the words flow.

1.

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Is there a mirror?

I need to see

my face.

The tears on my cheeks.

The words from my lips.

The eyes, red!

The blood on

my forehead.

I need a mirror -

I need a

talking mirror.

The one that tells me...

You are okay!

Amidst all the chaos in my head, there was a need to find peace, and I acknowledged that frequently. I tried different ways to find it using all the doable textbook solutions like listening to music, going for long walks, journaling, and sitting for meditation. I even tried distraction by allowing myself to become a bit social from behind the screen. It was really difficult for me to spend time with people; I always wanted a way out of groups as I couldn’t take their fillers for conversations. I hated when someone bragged about their cool toys and cosmetic happy life. I wasn’t jealous; I just couldn’t take it. Hence, I was unable to make friends, companions, or even foes.

I got out of my house one evening to feel the crowd. I kept walking towards the place where I knew were a lot of pubs and bars. The roads were filled with people wearing colourful clothes and big smiles. Some were holding hands, and some were just frowning while staring at others. There were people who didn’t care at all - they just kept their eyes on the road and took the next step. I believed I was one of them. I saw a book café on my right and decided to enter. It was a quiet place with few people. Apparently, none with a book. Instead, they were all with someone else – talking, eating, and laughing. I felt they were roasting the place, and I felt the need to compensate for them. I ordered a cappuccino and started checking out the bookshelf. I pulled out an Emily Dickinson and chose a place to sit. Next to me was a girl with a coffee cup. Her eyes were fixed on her phone - her fingers typing with an unbelievable speed and her lips curving themselves in a smile every now and then. She had long, straight hair and different eyes. I realized her eyes were big and different when she caught me staring at her. The next moment for me was a bit awkward, but it drifted away when she raised her hands and said, ‘hey’.

Thirty minutes, few stories, one coffee, and bits of silence in between were enough for us to share our numbers – surely not my talent. All of it was her! She was meeting a few friends and she asked me to join them. It was the first day after a long time that I’d stepped out of my house and comfort zone; surely it was a big step for me. But after some random thoughts, I decided to cut this meeting short and take her leave. I wasn’t sure how would I handle a group of people, so I though the best way was the way out.

I told her, I need to go... I have some work I need to finish. She looked at me for a brief moment, and I saw her raise her eyebrows. Her lips trembled just before she said, Okay!

The last thirty minutes played in front of my eyes like a movie scene - forcing the audience to believe it was a special moment and can have a place in your memory. Indeed, it was special! My heart was beating fast, and I could feel butterflies in my stomach. I was able to make her laugh; I was able to laugh myself. I was sure she knew she was beautiful, because she presented herself with grace every now and then. She would touch her hair but won’t blink, trying to look deep into my eyes. I was surely mesmerized. She was beautiful, and she was a person who could make anyone fall in love with her... And that thought triggered an intuition in me. Are you sure this is a good quality?

I ignored my intuition that night, giving myself reasons of not judging anyone – some people are just friendly! That’s just another quality. After a long hour of overthinking, I gathered some courage and texted her a ‘hi’!

2.

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I felt blessed

the moment she said replied.

It was so right.

Her eyes in the pictures

Staring at me,

Trying to tell me

They can heal me.

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I so desperately wanted that.

The desperation of my heart

To be loved by someone,

someone who can love all my colors – I believed that.

Hence started a journey

from my desperation to hers.

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3.

She likes mountains,

I like snow.

She dreams of Switzerland.

I dream of Paris as my home.

She’s a vegetarian,

I could eat anything - flesh and bone.

She is a 5 December,

I am a February 4.

My emotions exploding,

She keeps hers under control.

She wanted forever,

I was a lover with no hope!

4.

Thursday evening-

The first time I was hanging out with you like a friend

Behaving gentle, talking with respect - was hoping to blend.

Because those eyes -

I swear, I was hypnotized.

For me the world moved slow

Slow were my thoughts, my eyes fixed on that glow