...Still

By R.L. Morgan

"We had some difficult times, I believe my love for you was one for the ages.... But, as time moves on is this love for someone that really existed...? Or, is this for someone I only hoped for this...? You said, you promised...you would love me forever and never leave...

I wanted to share every second and every moment we had in

• Language: English
• Publisher: Nokar Press
• Release date: Nov 28, 2022
• ISBN: 9798987349106

Book preview

1

Every Morning

Every day I wake, I reach to other side of the bed. The despair of emptiness strikes my mind and my heart. The cold empty side is a symbol of my grieving soul without you.

I woke this morning after another terrible night’s sleep and thought to myself, how did I get here? How could I be in this situation. How can I continue to be caught in this nightmare, this pain that I feel deep within my heart. How, each and every morning, day after day, it never changes. It never gets easier. The pain, the anguish, it never goes away. What mistakes, what ungodly crime did I commit to have to endure this nonstop shredding that goes on every moment of everyday in my soul.

Every beat of my heart, every breath I take, every moment of every day for me is a struggle without you. A now wasted life, the pain does not subside, I have lost you. You are gone forever.

The countless tears I shed every night as I climb into bed, the emptiness, the loneliness, I say, I love you. I miss you desperately.

It’s the silence that follows that breaks my heart, over and over. I know in my heart, you are gone forever. I know that someday my life will end and when it does, it will be because of a broken heart. Without your love, my life is not worth living. I now understood how dark and dreadful life would be without you. Without your love, music is nothing but noise, dancing is nothing but a burden. Without your love, all the rain that falls does so silently and invisible into the sea. Without your love, even the brightest stars in the darkest of skies are extinguished forever.

I think about the end with mixed emotions. Most days I want to give up and drown within this ocean of heartbreak. My fight to go on has left me showered in turmoil. I am not sure I can calm the torment before the storm begins again in my heart as it’s overwhelmed with sadness. Eyes wide shut, I am terrified I can’t live another moment without you. Holding on, just trying to take my next breath. I just want to wake from this nightmare and last act before everything just turns to endless black.

Raphael knows everyone will see his sorrow and broken heart behind his strained smile. As he stands in the shower under the steaming hot water for what seemed like hours at times, his body aching with the loneliness, longing for Kayla, he reflected on his life. The realization of a mostly wasted life, a hole in his heart and with an empty soul, he wanted nothing more than to see her, touch her, to look into her incredibly amazing brown eyes for one more moment intime.

Raphael thought there is a sacredness in his tears. They’re not a sign of weakness but of strength. They are overwhelming messengers of grief and absolute unspeakable love he has for Kayla. Each and every moment of everyday a never-ending silent battle continues to rage deep within his heart of seeing another day without her.

You are gone and at that moment in time, my heart shattered. My soul started to die and then my world turned black. It takes courage to live in a life, face every day when your heart is bleeding and has an empty space within. Trying to face each morning without showing your tears. To engage with others when you want to be left alone. To look to a future without you when all I want to do is go back to our yesterdays and make things right. It takes courage and every fiber of strength to move forward and hope to survive another moment, another hour...another day without you by my side. I will forever love you, my angel.

Every second that goes by without you, we cannot get back. Losing you is like shattered ribs, on the outside I look strong and healthy, on the inside, every breath is excruciating without you. It does not get any clearer or simpler. I would do anything to be by your side, loving and supporting you.

I find pieces of you in every thought that passes through my mind, In the eye of every storm, in every drop of rain, I see you. I hear your strikingly incredible voice in the wind. I extend my hand to touch you at every sunset. You are the earth beneath my feet and the air that I breath each and every day. I remember what your heartbeat felt like as I touched you each night lying next to you. What your scent was, how you felt in my arms.

If I have learned anything among many things, it’s that real love doesn’t have to be perfect.

I will never know how to look at life without seeing an inescapable emptiness and absence of you. My heart continues to be in a million tiny bits of what was and what was supposed to be. It never fits back together again in any resemblance of what it once was without you. I’m trying desperately to survive within all the tiny little pieces that still remain. I don’t know if it is a real thing or not... but, I would give my soul to the devil, for eternity if I could kiss your lips, hold you in my arms and have your true love once again.

One hello can take the place of a thousand heartbreaks, a million goodbyes. As time goes on. I have come to realize the sheer darkness of losing you, my grief has changed. Your incredible laugh sounds just a bit further away. Although I will never forget what it feels like to be in your arms with our perfect embrace, your touch is no longer as vivid in my mind. The way you lit up any room with your gorgeous smile is but a memory that I will cherish until my last breath. In more ways that I could ever possibly explain, I miss you more today, this second than that fateful day in February I lost you first. It will never get easier. The pain and heartbreak return with a vengeance, just when I think it is hidden below the surface, it comes back with the power of the entire universe. It will never leave me or my heart.

Some days I feel as if I am unbeatable, conquering the world for your honor. Nothing can stop me. But... most days, just taking a breath is difficult in the absence of you.

You were always different. You were never afraid of telling the truth. You were never afraid to be brutally honest, especially how you chose the words to hammer out of your mouth. You chose those words, always correctly and with such purpose. You were never afraid of showing yourself raw, natural, without any designer labels or bullshit coverings. You were never afraid of someone saying you were unladylike. You were not afraid to say fuck you and stand up for what you believed in. You were never afraid to show the world your true self and prove people wrong. Prove you could be who you wanted to be. You were not afraid to say you will never be less than yourself, your real truth, and, if that bothers anyone, then they need to move out of your way!! I am so fucking proud of you. I envy you. I wish I could be more like you. You are the most beautiful woman on this planet and I will forever love and adore you.

2

Blind Date, The Beginning

As Raphael sat in the booth at the restaurant, he took a long sip of his beer. He had a trying and tiresome day. He really didn’t want to be there, let alone follow through with a blind date. He didn’t expect much, thought maybe a quick drink, be polite, and leave. That’s it!

As I looked up from my beer, there she was. I saw her walking through the door. She was tall with flowing light brown hair that fell past her shoulders. She had brown eyes that seemed endless, so beautiful, so deep. The jeans she wore illuminated the shape of her incredibly longlegs.

I thought immediately that she was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen, an incredible angel, this absolute vision of a gorgeous woman in front of me. They say, Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

In my eyes, she was exactly the description of that saying. I could only hope that this was her, my blind date, there to meet me! She was!

I stood up. Hopefully she would notice I had manners as I waited for her to sit down first. I sat down across from her. I could barely catch my breath. She wore a white, sleeveless button-down blouse, light colored jeans with heels. I would only learn later that she had a problem collecting heels for she had a vice, a weakness for everything heels. I completely loved and adored that about her. It was difficult for me to contain my excitement, my overwhelming feelings that I didn’t quite understand right away but realized very soon. It was love at first sight but I didn’t know it. This was certainly nothing I have ever felt before. I would never forget that moment but I knew that my life would never be the same. She was now forever indelibly engrained in my mind and more importantly in my heart, 6 pm, Wednesday, June 1st, 2016. This day was the best day of my life.

Very soon after introductions and light conversation, I noticed Kayla had goosebumps on her arms. I concluded she was cold. Trying to impress and be a gentleman, I asked her if she was.

She replied, It’s ok, I can’t stay long, I have to pick up mom.

I nearly panicked and thought, She is blowing me off, it’s an excuse to leave.

I wanted to show her I was thoughtful so I said, Wait here, I’ll be right back.

I ran out to my car where I had a couple of button-down shirts I had picked up from the cleaners earlier. Trying to admittedly impress this new angel I just met, I ran back to the restaurant hoping I could keep her from being cold and leaving right away. She mentioned again, that she had to pick up her mom, not knowing it at the time, my insecurities would make me feel slightly anxious at what Kayla said. In a way, I was hoping she would wear my shirt home to stay warm. This may result in her having to see me again. It worked.

The rest of the conversation was wonderful and eventually we were holding hands on the table, looking into each other’s eyes. I didn’t know what she was thinking but I knew I had a feeling in my heart and dopamine flooding my brain... was this what love at first site meant? Is this the elusive urban legend that I always heard about but didn’t believe was possible? All I was certain of, I knew at that moment, something incredibly beautiful was happening in my heart and in my soul. We said our goodbyes as I hugged her tightly and then walked her to her car. I opened the door for her and said goodnight. I started to walk away waving goodbye as I felt I was on cloud nine. A feeling I never felt before. At the very least, not as intense as what I was feeling at that very moment.

I was hoping this was the start of something special, a never-ending love story. I headed back to my apartment the happiest I have ever been. I couldn’t sleep, my mind wouldn’t shutdown. My heart felt indescribably good. I could not stop thinking about those incredibly beautiful brown eyes, her stunning voice I kept hearing in my head.

Kayla came into Raphael’s life. His life would never be the same. His life would be five years of mostly ups and some downs but one thing was certain, Raphael knew, these were the best years of his life. Her aura, her presence gave off a light, a light so bright it would shadow 10 suns. She was the most incredibly beautiful woman on this planet. Raphael would fall so deeply, so quick lyin love with her

What he came to love so deeply about her was she was real. She was down to earth.

She had absolutely no airs about her. She hardly ever wore any makeup, she had an amazing natural beauty. Most times when I looked at her, she took my breath away! She rarely wore tight fitting clothes. Usually, oversized clothes that actually hid her figure not on purpose, she just didn’t