Life's Torn Fragments Becomes a Robe of Many Colors

By Kathleen Marchuk

Kathleen is desperate to find peace after years of mental and emotional torment which lead to drug addiction, suicide attempts and several psychiatric hospitalizations. She decides to set out on a spiritual journey of transforming prayer; in the hope of discovering what has been hidden in the caverns of her mind and heart. She is always asking the questions, "What is wrong with me?" and "How can I continue to live in this state of turmoil?" Unbelievable memories of childhood trauma were exposed. Revealing child parts of her heart at different ages, that were imprisoned within the pain and anguish of her past. Now, this pain, that had been locked away, could be safely processed and healed by the power of Jesus' love. Through a loving, healing relationship encounter with Jesus, she would be set free from the lies that had invaded her heart, which in turn kept God's Truth from taking up residence in her soul. Her quest for healing leads her into a spiritual battle for God's Truth to not only be discovered, but most importantly to be believed and received as the only Truth. She must choose to resist, by God's grace, the confusion, bewilderment and perplexity, that arise from the haunting falsehoods that have captivated her soul, from a lifetime of emotional damage. This book is her pilgrimage with Jesus toward wholeness, truth and freedom. The author's hope and prayer would be, that the reader would come to an understanding, that regardless of the pain which has taken place in an individual's life, that the lies which cripple a person are held within their emotional wounds. It is only by the power and love of the cross of Jesus Christ, that one can be brought into the Truth of who they truly are and how much they are loved.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Christian Faith Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: Feb 14, 2020
• ISBN: 9781098013110

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Life's Torn Fragments Becomes a Robe of Many Colors

Kathleen Marchuk

Copyright © 2019 by Kathleen Marchuk with Dee Stephens

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods without the prior written permission of the publisher. For permission requests, solicit the publisher via the address below.

Christian Faith Publishing, Inc.

832 Park Avenue

Meadville, PA 16335

www.christianfaithpublishing.com

Cover design by Dee Stephens

Printed in the United States of America

Table of Contents

Appointed Time to Destination

Lurking Shadows

Truth and Lies Contending

Gallery of Transformation

Fruit Cellar Fatality

Playtime! Who Needs It!

Severed Identity

What’s in a Name?

Treasures Hidden in Darkness

Robed in Shame

The Guardian Keeper of Pain

In Search of Hope

Fortress of Dark Contentment

The Value of Worthlessness

Reluctant Conformity

Dress Up for Daddy

The Frustration of Preparation

What Is a Father?

The Ascent

Conversion Excursion

Wholly Unique

Eternally Robed

About the Cover

Jesus is both the garden and the gardener. Kathleen stands in the center of the garden of his will. Her life is no longer lived in shadows, shades of gray that haunted her consciousness, leaving her emotions to lurk in obscurity.

Her senses are awakened in this safe place; the breeze that blows fragrantly around her touches her skin like kisses from heaven. Safe at last, safe knowing with the help of the Lord, she will never again be stuck in her past but be free of it.

The dark night of her soul is becoming day as she continues to reach for the threads, vibrant ribbons of truth, that take her breath away, extracting the lies that have kept her from the vibrations of life. The reality of trusting in Jesus now is unearthing the lies that once constrained her from the fullness of agreeing with the lover of her soul, Jesus Christ.

Life is a journey, and like Kathleen, we should be looking for and expecting the Holy Spirit to bring a new truth daily, truth of the love of God. Satin ribbons cleansed of the past are from heaven to make up our robe of many colors, brought by the Holy Spirit in the form of a dove, replacing the lies that keep us from Jesus—who is the Way, the Truth, and the Life—that fade away like a powerless vapor.

God makes all things beautiful in its time. Believe it or not, this is truth. In each chapter, a dove appears bringing with him a colorful ribbon that has been renewed by the light of the world, Jesus Christ our Lord, representing a new perspective of our true identity in Him.

Decide for yourself the color of ribbon that matches the mood of your notes, and color them in. Now imagine, when thinking this way, how you can bring some vibrancy to the robe that you or a friend is wearing.

Dee Stephens

Disclaimer

Although there is no private interpretation of the Bible, there are intimate, personal experiences with God for everyone who was ever created. A personal response to his pursuing determines the outcome of the encounter with God.

This book is not written as a theological study. It also is not written to challenge theology. When referring to any religion, it is referring only to personal experience.

It is not written to promote a biblical doctrine of any kind. It is about relationship that can only be experienced in Spirit and in truth. We all have our own view of truth, but the only truth that remains true is that which is brought to light by the Holy Spirit of our living God.

It is not a feeble attempt to describe the multiple dimensions of the Godhead. We are firm in our belief of the Godhead as a Triune God that is Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. One God. And though we cannot explain the concept, we experience the reality of his interaction in our lives with the purpose as written in the Bible. Philippians 3:10–12 says, That I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and the fellowship of his sufferings, being conformed to his death. If, by any means, I may attain to the resurrection from the dead. Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me. This is what it is about: pressing on.

For every truth of God, there is a counterfeit; the proof of the truth is in the fruit. I write this to say, For the fear of God, I am careful not to give the devil credit for what only God can do, which is to restore humanity to their Creator.

We are not avoiding the fact that hell exists, and God is not merely loving but also just. Hell is not mentioned, because it is not the destiny of this journey.

What this story is meant to accomplish is to share the fact that God knows everything that is hidden in us; he knows how it got there, why it can stay, and how to separate us from the belief systems that have been created, when we entered into agreement with man’s opinions. He knows how to give us a new name and a new hope for a new future.

It is incredible the patience he has with Kathleen and Kathy. If this seems unbelievable to you, then search it out in the Word and see how patient he is with many of those who are rebellious. Check out Nineveh. It is amazing to discover that he waits. Know that no matter where you are right now, he is right by your side, and he is waiting for you to receive his love.

As children of God, we wanted to share this journey in the hope that you will be drawn into a more intimate relationship with the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, into the only Way to the Father, Jesus, the Truth, and the Life.

The Word of God instructs and beckons you to come, saying in Mark 10:15, Verily I say unto you, whosoever shall not receive the kingdom of God as a little child, he shall not enter therein. Take the time to remember the child that is hidden and wounded in memories, and allow some time and space to sort out the truth, with the love of the Father and Jesus and the guidance of the Holy Spirit. There is no abuse—verbal or otherwise—that is ever okay with our Lord. He is waiting to heal.

Foreword

by Dee Stephens

Of all the wonder that I have experienced in prayer ministry, this was one of the most rewarding because of the accuracy of the Word of the Lord spoken to each individual. I have come to learn to value what I hear when I ask, Lord, what do you want me to know?

Here is one of many examples that unfolded during ministry sessions with a woman with many names. This one would have totally escaped me had I not gone back to my notes in hopes of beginning the journey once again that I traveled with this woman who soon became my dearest friend. She has been attempting to write a book to share with others so that the Lord God, by the power of the Holy Spirit through Jesus Christ, might be glorified; and in hopes of helping her get started, I discovered this. At our first meeting, she said, I’m willing to go, but I’m not willing to do a whole lot. The words to Silence Is Golden somehow won’t leave my mind. So begins the unveiling of a hidden life of trauma and pain.

Silence Is Golden was released in 1964 by Frankie Valli.

Because of copyrights, I cannot use the words from the song. If you look it up online, you might understand why this song pertains to her. She was deceived so well, and it spoke of her being the last to know.

Coming to know her, in every session, it became clearer and clearer to me what the Lord was showing her, like a magnificent dream that explodes and exposes the soul, leaving it fragmented to once again be gathered up, as only a loving God is able to do, and be restored.

The line in the song that says Should I tell her? was always on my mind, but I knew that it would all seem like a lie coming from me, so I waited on the Holy Spirit to move in perfect timing. I held my silence, but my eyes did see how the truth of this song was exposed to a greater degree with each session. Too often, we are the last to know.

God can heal a person instantly, or he can walk with them daily on their journey through life. I prefer the walk that brings intimacy with and a deep, rich knowing of my Lord and Savior.

My belief goes along with what Jesus declares, I Am the Word, and I Am the Truth. For me, the Truth in the Word and his nature is always him, and I give him glory for whenever he reveals himself.

Since I knew that the Spirit of the Lord was heading somewhere with Kathleen and I knew that I didn’t have all the Truth yet, I would wait on the Lord as I listened, and I am so glad I did. I advise you if you run into something that doesn’t seem to fit what you believe, wait. Don’t just throw it aside; don’t judge a wine before its time.

The only part I held in Kathleen’s journey was the great privilege of watching the Holy Spirit do what he does best—reveal Jesus. I was there to ask, What about this, Lord? and test the spirit to listen for scriptural truth, to look for the nature and character of God, and to learn about the ways of God for myself.

I know well the justice of God. I know about consequences for our actions and the power of the work of God in our lives to deliver and restore everything the cankerworm has attempted to devour. I also know how humiliating a story like this can be, which brings light to the courage of Kathleen’s heart, the desire to see others free. She has found the freedom to be real with God and with man. Listen to her honest exchanges that she has with Jesus, for they are raw and real.

Reader, you cannot hide anything from God; you cannot pretend anything away. His heart is that you don’t try to hide but that you come into the light of his truth and receive his love so that you, his child, can be like Enoch, who walked with God.

I am not a professional mental health worker with any credentials. I am a prayer minister with a strong belief that we as believers can communicate with God by the way of the Holy Spirit through Jesus Christ, who is our counselor and revealer of all truth. I believe that what he reveals he also heals, and this has become a way of life for me.

Kathleen

Acknowledgments

I am honored to dedicate this book first and foremost to my heavenly Father, Jesus, and Holy Spirit—the Holy Sovereign Three in One—for without them, this journey would never have happened. From beginning to end, they orchestrated this journey for the purpose of my healing and freedom because of their great love.

I also want to thank my husband for his encouragement and support during the writing of this book and also when I was actually in the process of this pilgrimage.

I want to thank Dee Stephens for her encouragement and help to get this book published and mostly for her love and patience as she prayed and stayed with me each step of the way.

I want to dedicate this book to each and every reader. I pray that Jesus will use it to bring healing and freedom into your heart and life as he has done in mine. I was not faithful, but he has remained constant and faithful in my life.

Grace be with you,

Kathleen

*****

I want to thank Kathleen for letting me be part of this wonderful journey. I dedicate my effort to express the love of God to those who are misunderstood and unable to express or see who they truly are in the sight of God.

With all my heart, I want you to know you are loved and you have a Father who waits for you to inquire of him. There is restoration for the brokenhearted that can only truly be brought to life by the work of the one true God—the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, and who is known as God the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. He loves you so much and thinks you are worth the suffering of the cross. You, my friend, have great value. I pray you find it.

Blessings,

Dee

Prologue

The memories I will share with you developed over a period of many transforming prayer sessions. The memories came in bits and pieces as Jesus sorted through the torn fragments of my life. These recollections were filtered in the midst of much emotional resistance, unbelief, and anger toward God and life. During the sessions, I would report events that I could recall and relate to, and I would also report events of memories that I was unable to connect to my past, but I could not identify with their occurrence.

These were the memories in which I struggled to believe, even though my emotional state and lifelong attitudes and beliefs pointed to the truth of these occurrences. Also, whenever possible, I would attempt to confirm a memory by investigation and questioning of family members, only to discover that certain memories are true.

I started having flashes of events which I could not recall. These flashes were occurring in my private prayer time, before I ever started with the ministry of Transforming Prayer. I now realize that Jesus was stirring all this up in order to bring healing and wholeness into my life, because I had been asking Jesus for months, What is wrong with me? I recognized that deep attitudes in my heart and ungodly emotions were plaguing me. I believe this was his ordained time and season to reveal and unfold the answer to my question.

I will share the first event that the Lord revealed to me. I was an infant, and at times as a toddler lying in my crib, my dad would come into my room and sexually abuse me. This was just the beginning. I could not relate to or remember this event because of my age, so I had difficulty believing that it was true. Yet I knew something was terribly wrong with me.

Eventually, I believed the Lord spoke to my heart and instructed me to talk with my dad about this to bring healing to us both. My mom had passed away, and I would go to clean my dad’s home. I was scared, but I decided I would step out in faith and do what I believed the Lord instructed me to do. As it came closer to the confrontation, I decided to ask the Lord for confirmation. I requested that someone would tell me what my dad did to me that had no knowledge of the event or that I was questioning this possible memory.

My dad was watching television when I came into the room and sat down with him, before I was to start cleaning. I had already decided that I would not talk about the sexual abuse until the Lord gave me further confirmation. As I was quietly sitting there, my father leaned over to me and stated, You won’t believe what I just saw on television. A young girl on a talk show was telling how her father would come to her when she was a young child…, and then my dad proceeded to describe exactly what he had done to me as an infant. I was shocked when he said this, for I had just asked the Lord to give me confirmation, and my dad was speaking the very words of what the Lord had revealed to me.

So I took a deep breath and decided to step out in faith. I told my dad that I believed the Lord had shown me that I was sexually abused as a very small child. I asked him if he had any knowledge of this. I explained that the Lord only wanted to bring love, forgiveness, and healing into the situation. He informed me that no such thing ever happened to me. I told him that I believe this to be true and that he may know something. Since when I was a baby, his family lived with us in a duplex. He again denied any possibility of this event occurring. All of a sudden, it was like a light bulb went on in his mind, and he stated emphatically, Are you accusing me? I didn’t answer his question, fearing the worst if I told the truth. I explained that I believed he might have information regarding this situation. He became very angry and started to tell me that Jesus and I were crazy and sick.

Silence then filled the room. Suddenly, it was as if a bomb went off inside me. I screamed in my mind at Jesus, How could you let me confront him? I continued accusing Jesus, How awful to be accused of such a horrendous deed by your daughter when you are innocent. I trusted you not to let me say anything if this were not true. My dad may be sexually perverted in some ways, but he would never do anything like this. I got up from the couch quietly, yet inside I was raging at God.

As I walked down the hall, I experienced a God moment like never before. I heard a very clear voice separate from me, yet down in my belly, very distinctly and with authority, state, I Am not a man that I should lie. I stopped dead in my tracks and knew that God had just spoken. I was torn between my father’s denial and God’s words. When I put my eyes on my dad, I could not believe he would do such a thing, and yet when I put my eyes on Jesus, I knew I had heard from him.

I share this out of sequence so that you will understand some of the process of revelation given to me by the Spirit of truth. Also, as time passed, the Lord gave me further confirmation that what was revealed was true and could not be denied. Everything we do in our walk with Jesus is an act of faith and complete trust in his love for us. Scripture states that we see through a glass darkly, so we realize that we will make mistakes and not always hear the Lord clearly or completely, but we can be sure that Jesus is faithful and trustworthy and he will take our mistakes and turn them into good for his purposes.

It would be impossible to share all that occurred during the sessions; and I would possibly create confusion because words, phrases, memory pictures, and emotions would come and go quickly—therefore, making it all appear scrambled like pieces of a puzzle thrown on a table, chaotic with no formed picture until it was put together so the whole picture could be seen. There were occasions when the memories would be as if watching a movie, with myself in the audience and also at the same time I was on the stage; but this was all part of the eventual completed puzzle.

I will endeavor to present each memory in its wholeness like the completed picture puzzle. It is only important for you to understand that the memory puzzle took much work, prayer, struggle, pain, and a step-by-step trust in Jesus as he revealed, exposed, and brought these memories to fullness.

Interspersed with the memories, Jesus would enter into the past to speak truth to the lies, and to establish a relationship with each separated child part of my heart that had developed into a limited personality, stuck in the past, a memory with a name. He came to bring wholeness and restoration. Jesus spent much time in relationship with each child part that came forth from the traumatic memories. He developed a relationship with each child part after bringing them out of the actual past memory. He brought them forth out of the memory and worked with each child part individually and also as a group.

The events that I saw and the words that I heard came in diverse ways. At times, I could clearly see what was being presented in my mind’s eye. At other times, I knew what was occurring, but the picture was foggy. There were other times I could not see anything, but I instinctively knew what was happening. I never knew what Jesus was going to do or say, and each turn of events surprised and startled me. Looking back, I realize that this was a work of the Spirit of God, who is the only truth, and that what was taking place was true and real. This was occurring in the spiritual realm where God lives in the eternal past, present, and future.

This is the journey I embarked on and desire to share with you, the reader. I know that Jesus has instructed me to write my journey to you, the readers; for even though we are all special, unique individuals and have diverse life experiences, the one thing we have in common is that we live in a sinful, fallen world, and the enemy of our souls is bent on destroying us. The enemy is not creative, so he uses the same twisted lies to cause us to live defeated lives. My prayer is that Jesus will speak truth and healing to your wounded hearts by the sharing of my journey and that his abundant life and love would dwell in you richly. Now let us start the journey with Jesus as our guide.

Notes

Chapter 1

Appointed Time to Destination

We are all on a journey from conception until death. This journey (called life) has been established and ordained by God. His perfect will is for his truth, and he loves to mold and shape us, but the enemy of our souls, called by Jesus, as the father of lies has another plan to mold and shape us and to ultimately destroy us.

These lies may enter our lives together with people who can distort and destroy the truth of Jesus’ plan and purpose for an abundant life with him. As a child, the lies that touch our lives become our personal truth and reality, and if these strongholds are not demolished, we will build upon them as an adult.

The Lord Jesus takes us on many journeys during our lifetime. Each one is down a different path and for different purposes; but all eventually lead to the ultimate destination to know him, who is love and the author of life, and to be changed into his perfect likeness. This can only be achieved through repentance and divine healing, for the Lord must touch every part of us: our mind, will, emotions, heart, body, and spirit with his love and truth.

This is a true story of a journey into memories—memories filled with the lies revealed either by words or actions to a little girl who believed what she heard, saw, or experienced. These lies needed to be replaced by his truth. Lies cause disunity and mistrust, but truth restores unity and trust. Pilate said to Jesus, What is truth? Truth is not what but whom, for Jesus declared, "I am the way, the truth, and the life."

This journey cannot be taken alone, for one would never survive. It must be initiated and sustained by the one who is truth, for only he can put to death the implanted lies of the enemy of our soul. This is the Lord’s work, but he gives us the privilege and challenge of being colaborers with him in this journey of transforming prayer.

Dee Stephens served as a facilitator as Jesus took me step by step down the path to freedom. So in actuality, there were seven of us who walked this road to healing and wholeness—Jesus, Dee, myself, and the five little girls. You will meet each one as we enter into the journey. Dee’s part, as a facilitator, will not be quite as evident as we walk this path, only because we desire for the story to flow smoothly; but be sure to know this, that she was actively present—praying, encouraging, and testing the truth that was presented. I want to assure you that this journey did not involve any guided imagery or suggestions. The Spirit of Christ revealed all that was presented.

This journey was truly a season of what Psalm 23 describes as walking through the valley of the shadow of death. The lies had manifested as truth and reality, but the truth was that these were only lies lurking in the shadows of my life and bringing death to me.

This shadow, as unbelievable as it may seem, brought death to my mind, heart, will, and emotions; but the Good Shepherd promised me that he would be with me as I walked through the valley of the shadow of death. He prepared a table before me in the presence of my enemies and anointed my head with oil. For surely goodness and mercy followed me on my journey and will continue all the days of my life. As the Good Shepherd, he gave me times of rest, for he made me to lie down in green pastures. He gave me times of peace as he led me beside still waters, as we progressively made our way through the valley of the shadow of death.

The Lord Jesus and I invite you to enter into the journey that he led me through. He was faithful to carry me to my destination of unity and oneness with him. I know that while I am on this earth, because I am a pilgrim traveling through to my heavenly home that there will be other journeys that Jesus and I will travel, but the purpose and destination of this particular journey was brought to completion, and that is what Jesus and I desire to share. For even though we are all unique individuals and our life experiences are varied and diverse, we have much to learn and glean from one another as we tarry here on our way to our final heavenly home.

This journey spanned a period of about three years of weekly to biweekly sessions. It was a season of awesome revelation coupled with an intense healing process with Jesus as the Revelator and Divine Physician.

As I was entering the final stretch, I stopped the journey. Looking back, I believe I brought it to a halt due to fear of meeting the Father and unbelief in the work Jesus was accomplishing. I did not return for another thirteen years. Jesus was faithful to never leave me and brought me back to finish that which he had initiated. His word declares that he will complete the work that he has begun in us.

Ecclesiastes 3:1–8 states,

To everything there is a season. A time for every purpose under heaven.

A time to plant, and a time to pluck what is planted;

A time to kill, and a time to heal;

A time to break down, and a time to build up;

A time to weep, and a time to laugh;

A time to mourn, and a time to dance;

A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones;

A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

A time to gain, and a time to lose;

A time to keep, and a time to throw away;

A time to tear, and a time to sew;

A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

A time to love, and a time to hate;

A time of war, and a time of peace.

As a traveler on this journey, I experienced the whole of this biblical truth.

It would be impossible to supply all that was spoken and happened in this book. Dee and I will trust in the Lord to include all that is truly vital and important for you, the reader, to know. My sessions were taped, so therefore, we had access to the entire journey. Our prayer in presenting this to the public reader is that Jesus will use it to reveal a deeper intimacy and knowledge of who he is as he enters into our lives for the sake of a pure, loving relationship. We also hope that the Lord will reach out through this journey to heal and restore broken lives. Your life experiences will not be the same as mine, but there could be similarities that the Lord can use to bring healing to you.

This, in no way, takes away from Scripture as being the ultimate source of learning about the love, healing power, nature, and character of the Sovereign Holy Three in One, God the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.

I do not claim this journey to be infallible. I can only assure you that the character and Spirit of Christ was tested against the truth and standard of the Holy Scriptures.

I leave this introduction with this scripture showing the blessing of the body of Christ, as he walks with us through this pilgrimage. Ecclesiastes 4:9–10, 12: Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls, for he has no one to help him up…Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him. And a threefold cord is not quickly broken. Jesus, Dee, and I were a threefold cord. Again, this scripture surely was a reality and truth as we went on this journey. It was a difficult, painful, trying path with many mountains to climb and dark valleys to walk through. It was a walk of trust and faith in the abiding presence of Jesus. He who has nothing to prove proved himself faithful.

May the grace of God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ in union with the Holy Spirit open the eyes of your heart as you enter into a journey of a restored life made possible only through the death and resurrection of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, through whom the beginning of reconciliation and oneness with God begins and ends.

Before I begin relating to you my journey down the path of restoration that Jesus led me through, I will begin with a brief history of my background and some of the lies that I believed as truth.

*****

God has given me (Dee) the privilege to join Kathleen on her journey, and it so enriched my own journey. I was deeply touched by the Spirit of God and want to share insight into my own life, through this encounter with the Holy Spirit of God.

Kathleen and I want to invite you to seek out your own true identity in Christ and fashion a rewarding relationship