Daughters Affected by Their Mother Issue: A nonfictional account

By Kaye Lewis

This book is a breath of fresh air to those women who suffer uncontrollable (non PMS related) emotional upheavals that appear as grief, anger, depression or even consistent broken relationships. An orphan phenomenon occurs when a person feels consistently abandoned, and this may even be experienced as an adult. To any woman suffering this affliction, you are not crazy, but it's likely your circumstances were. This book allows you to be a vicarious witness to dysfunctional circumstances that introduced an orphan spirit into the lives of those abandoned. The thief who steals, kills and destroys causes the withholding of the love we all need to survive. This work is written from the author's personal autobiographic perspective to identify poisonous dysfunction in mother-daughter relationships. Therapists agree that unidentified and unresolved emotional issues with the mother (of a woman or man) may lead to a debilitation that is difficult to overcome. The author takes a thoughtful look at her own mother-daughter dynamic, with the hope it may help other women. It is likely that many a daughter (or mother) has gone for professional counseling to find relief, and bravo for those who realized victory in therapy. However the author notes the majority of her epiphanies came from within, and not as a result of counseling. Something identified as a help to her perspective were the years she spent working as a psychological evaluation transcriptionist for five therapists and a psychiatrist. The author transcribed the therapist's psychological evaluations of adolescent girls in the court mandated group home. The author came away knowing therapists are usually caring people, who have their own set of problems, and clay feet. We all are desperately in need the love of Jesus Christ. Our brokenness cannot be counseled away, and refuses to be hidden.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Covenant Books, Inc.
• Release date: Feb 14, 2018
• ISBN: 9781640032934

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Daughters Affected by

Their Mother Issue

A nonfictional account

Kaye M. Lewis

ISBN 978-1-64003-292-7 (Paperback)

ISBN 978-1-64003-293-4 (Digital)

Copyright © 2017 Kaye M. Lewis

All rights reserved

First Edition

Unless otherwise noted, all Scripture quotations are taken from the Holy Bible Authorized King James Version, The Word Study Bible. Copyright © 1990 by Harrison House, Inc.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods without the prior written permission of the publisher. For permission requests, solicit the publisher via the address below.

Covenant Books, Inc.

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Murrells Inlet, SC 29576

www.covenantbooks.com

Table of Contents

Affected or Afflicted?

Mixed Messages That Defile

The Futility of Utility

The Vault

Vicarious Living

Weeds in the Woodwork

Secrets That Make You Sick

The Orphan Socialite

What Love Isn’t

No Cheap Freedom

The Attention Whore

The Cannibal

Be Able to Identify the Counterfeit

Healing for the Brokenhearted

The Forced March

If you have ever wondered why you and your mother don’t quite click, you’ll want to read this powerful and gripping book.

Author Kaye Lewis delves deep into the rarely talked about spiritual and emotional core of how mothers profoundly affect their daughter’s relationships, self-image, careers and even health. As soon as I finished reading the book, I wanted to start reading it all over again to continue probing the depth of the author’s insights.

Using engaging stories from her life and others who experienced the sometimes tormenting mother-daughter conflicts, the book dissects the root issues that manifest in unhealthy behaviors in both mothers and their daughters. Some of the real-life stories are unimaginable and tragic but can help give voice and clarity to untapped or unresolved emotions in anyone’s life. The author uses captivating terms (i.e. the torment of lovelessness) that are like surgical instruments gently removing buried mom tumors. I was fully engaged in the stories then had to put the book down several times because even though the stories were different from my experiences, it raised awareness of relationship issues. It was quite riveting.

By helping readers understand the root causes of the mother-daughter conflicts and their impact, this book will hopefully lead people on a path toward wholeness. It was amazing.

I highly recommend this book as a healing companion. It would also make a great book to read in a woman’s group where readers can discuss and digest the meaty content.

Myrna Gutierrez, CLC

Certified Life and Business Coach

Introduction

Only after being on the planet a while have I come to realize how profoundly I have been affected by my mother. Every woman has this affectedness, acknowledged or not, understood or not. All women are somehow shaped, impacted, and imprinted by their mother; she may have been present or absent, known or unknown. She may be dead or living. Whatever the case, women have an obligation to explore this connection. It can help discover why we have the bents, attitudes, and tendencies we do and how much of our mother’s burdens we still carry. Our femaleness makes us receivers, givers, facilitators, helpers, nurturers, and fixers. If we don’t watch it, the very nature God gave us can become perverted and make us beasts of burden, carrying everyone else’s problems. It can cause us to give little attention to our own journey and purpose in life.

Women give passage; God uses us as a transportation vehicle to bring children from his heavenly presence into the earth realm. We carry His glory, nurture His plans and can sometimes spend our entire lives helping others to achieve their goals… because by nature we are helpers and facilitators. But how much of that have we merely assumed, meaning it was not really God’s intent? At what point does this become co-dependent behavior that helps others to misuse us? When it happens, is it really the malicious intent of the one misusing us? We always play a part, and the truth may well rest in the mixed messages we received from our mothers. There may have been erroneous generational beliefs that were actually spoken, or it may have resulted from what we witnessed watching our mothers engage life and manage the family. In whatever way you fear becoming your mother, I am here to say you don’t have to… unless you want to.

My intent with this book is to explore how women are shaped, molded, and affected—for good or bad—by their mothers. This is in no way a scientific study, although I may quote references. We will also look at some biblical examples of women and mothers. This book is a compilation of my personal observations of female familial relationship dynamics. Some of those dynamics can cause a woman to thrive in life, while others prove to be dysfunctional and devastating.

I am amazed at how women’s health, both mental and physical, are impacted by this mother dynamic. Lastly and most important, I hope to lead the reader to a commitment to assess where mis-messaging absorbed growing up may still be present. Additionally, to consider how mental and emotional shaping occurred as a result. As women, we must extend to ourselves the grace we so generously afford others. As you read, please take time to listen to your own heart. Allow the Holy Spirit to highlight what wrong beliefs you have believed about yourself that were impressed upon you. When you open your heart to the Holy Spirit it may be the first time He was invited to give wisdom about who you are. Think of that! Who you are is directly related to why you are the way you are. This is about that deep, special God-inspired part of us that even we sometimes don’t understand about ourselves. I encourage you to take the challenge.

Chapter 1

Affected or Afflicted?

I have read about that voice in your head that tends to stay with you most of your life, speaking in your mother’s voice. Speaking your mother’s words seemingly in her voice would be thought to be a good thing. Yet for some, it activates thoughts, feelings, and memories that range from guilt, to shame, to unworthiness and inadequacy. Perhaps that’s not you, and that’s great, but for many, this is true. It is for those who cry silent tears at night about this issue that this book is written.

What I find interesting is that many times the things spoken by that voice reinforce limitations, unbelief, and non-acceptance of who we are and what we are capable of. Most of us would agree that this voice and its messages are not from God, no matter whose voice it is using. Agreed? So if this is happening to you, know there is an answer, and that there is help.

The Bible in the book of Psalms tells us that the tongue of the upright shall deliver them. It also says that by our words are we justified and by our words we are condemned, not by someone else’s words, but by our own words. So we must know we have the power to pluck up words that were planted in us when they speak against our own right to thrive. God wishes above all things that we may prosper and be in health, even as our soul (our soul is our mind, understanding, and will) prospers. Make no mistake about it; true prosperity begins with a clear, sound, and peaceful mind, capable of being stayed upon God. We need that mind to even believe what God has said about us is true, and that He favors us.

Parents have a special authority over their children, to bless or to curse. We see this power exercised in the Old Testament by Israel (first known as Jacob), and as well by Joseph, when they were about to die as old men. These great men of God spoke prophecies to and over their children individually, about who they were and what they would accomplish. We also see a mother who concocted a lie with her son (the mother was Rebecca, the son was Jacob, twin brother of Esau). The lie she created was to deceive the father into placing the greatest blessing on the head of Jacob, the younger of the twin brothers. What was her motivation? She colluded with her son Jacob to lie to her patriarch husband, causing the blessing to be spoken over Jacob and not over Esau. It rightfully belonged to Esau.

This is an example of the power of parents, mothers and fathers, to bless or curse their children. While God is greater than human voices, we need to consider that God Himself gave this power to parents. In the Psalms, we read that if a man or woman wants to live long on the earth, they must honor their father and their mother. So let’s not deceive ourselves, parents do have power to bless or curse their children, particularly when they are under their parents’ roof. But it is God who has the final word. The twisted logic of Rebecca is still used today. She manipulated to have one of her sons blessed above the other. This same motivation has many of today’s families in dysfunction, causing hatred, jealousy, and strife. Whenever a difference is made between siblings or between people, preferring one over another, it creates strife.

But if ye have respect to persons, ye commit sin, and are convinced of the law as a transgressor (James 2:9).

But if ye have bitter envying and strife in your hearts, glory not, and lie not against the truth… For where envying and strife is, there is confusion and every evil work (James 3:14 and 16).

When the best-case scenario exists, mothers recognize who their children truly are, and nurture their gifts to give their children confidence. God intended for this to continue over a lifetime. In the case of girls, the daily messaging and modeling of womanhood from the mother leaves identity imprints on daughters. But we live in a fallen, corrupted world, where most things are not as they should be. Mothers themselves fight for their own significance in relationships and in the world system as they struggle to survive. Many women are shaping and reshaping their presentation, and even their belief system, to stay socially and financially relevant in a very insecure hour. Meanwhile they are imparting messages of instability and insecurity to their daughters. The primary error message being sent is that their value doesn’t come from who they are, but their value lies in their ability to accurately discern which presentation is needed for the moment and become that.

Maybe the mother of Jacob and Essau, Rebecca, also had daughters. They likely looked at her, watched what she did, and internalized the message that the only way women can have power is to lie and collude. The sub-messaging would be truth never pays off. Did Rebecca actually speak this to her daughters? Probably not, but her actions spoke, and an observing daughter would have learned that her value as a woman was measured by how well she could lie, manipulate men, and put herself in a position of power behind a man. This is a false assumption many women have even today. The most notable person in history with this method of operation was Jezebel, daughter of King Eth Baal. She was the wife of King Ahab, who usurped his authority. Usurping power always creates fake authority.

Early in life I saw the balance of power between men and women was not equal. At eight years old, I didn’t understand it, but I noticed that women and girls seemed to be a kind of second-class citizen, subject to the whim of men and boys. I didn’t like it, and I didn’t understand it. When my father was alive, I was the apple of his eye, and I felt safe under his protection and never questioned my value as a female; I knew I was valuable. But when he died, oh, did my world change! When I was seven years old, I knew something dramatic was coming, then it happened. My two brothers became instant dictators, which unbeknownst to me, my father had been. They were just imitating our father, the side of him I never knew. Then every boy in the neighborhood suddenly thought they could tell me what to do. What had changed? The headship of my father was removed, and now I was fending for myself. I didn’t see anybody stepping up to defend me as my father once had.

As I looked to my mother, I saw her fearful and taking on a job for the first time in her life. She had to learn to write a check, buy a car, and take care of four children by herself. To do so, she worked long hours. Yes, life had dramatically changed. My father was a military man all his adult life and was working as a courier for the FBI at the time of his death, which was the cause of his death. His government insurance policy paid our family home off. Shortly after I was born, it was discovered that my father had another family with two other children; they lived within walking distance of our house. It became evident at the funeral that he had other relationships, as there was a procession of several women that nobody seemed to know. My mother appeared to be irritated with my pulling on her dress, and asking, Who is that? At seven years old, I could feel my mother’s insecurity, her fear, and her anxiety. Since I could not interpret it, I internalized it.

After my father passed away, I seemed to lose the ability to express myself verbally because whatever I said didn’t seem to matter; no one listened. And I didn’t have the capacity to emotionally process what was happening to me, it appeared to me I was totally on my own. So I became a little girl on a mission to find an equalizer. I had no inkling that equalizer was Christ, but I did the best I could. My brothers were four and seven years older than me, and they thought it was their privilege to smack me around and whip me. I fought them back; nobody had conferred that authority on them, but I noticed that my mother never stopped them. After several fights with them, I came to understand the very real difference between male and female, and that boys were stronger than girls. I concluded there surely had to be some kind of equalizer, and I began to look for what it could be.

One day, my oldest brother said something very mean to me. I answered him with words that deflated him like a balloon, and I don’t really know where I got it from; it just came out my mouth. Wella! This was the answer I’d been looking for, my equalizer! I discovered that my mouth was a weapon. Yes, they were both bigger than me and stronger than me, but I believed that they were not smarter than me. My words could cut them down to my size, so I used my weapon many times over and saw it work on both brothers. We somewhat concluded a truce when they began to pursue girls, so I would not tell one about the other.

Finally, I was no longer a second-class citizen being subject to whoever wanted to whip me and beat me up, for whatever reason they thought up. I was eight years old when I discovered this new weapon, so I was indiscriminate on who I used it. It was powerful and I did not restrain myself. This was a misuse of my prophetic gifts. I didn’t know what they were, but they helped me and seemed to give me power. I didn’t like the way I saw my mother appearing to be weak and at the mercy of situations; it aggravated me. My mother began to court a man then married him within two years of my father’s death.

My brothers and I were devastated; we couldn’t stomach him. He was a very obvious opportunist. It was not clear to me what my sisters’ opinion was because she stood with us and just as quickly flipped to line up with whatever my mother wanted. It occurred so suddenly that my brothers were very verbal about their discontent, but for once I stayed in a child’s place, not saying anything. As soon as my mother’s new husband moved in, he put my brothers out; they were fourteen and sixteen years old. I was furious with both him and my mother. My brothers were literally living from friend to friend, to relatives, to wherever.

Parental rejection can be experienced and felt by a child from both the death of a parent or from deliberate emotional distancing of a parent who is alive and present. Such a distancing is interpreted by a child as emotional abandonment, and therefore rejection. This holds true even when that distancing is the result of sickness of a parent. Let’s look at what a respected deliverance minister states about how children are affected by parental rejection:

Parental rejection is a very big open door to the enemy. All of us need love and approval, and we should get that approval from our parents. You can probably recall times when you were let down by your parents in significant ways, which left you open to rejection.

The devil tries to work on children at a young age, and through their parents he will try to plant a seed of rejection in their hearts, causing them to grow up bitter and angry. This is why children need to go through deliverance. (1)

At nine years old, a rage and disrespect for male authority entered my heart. I became even more unrestrained in my use of the new weapon I discovered. I felt emotionally abandoned by my mother and betrayed by she and her husband. And what I felt was based on actual circumstances; my mother became a person with whom I was not familiar. She began to smoke, she lost weight, was cool and distant, and would repeat any conversation I had with her to her new husband. When I began to have a menstrual cycle, I asked her to buy me a bra. All the girls my age were wearing bras. I remember walking down the hall in my father’s house toward my mother’s bedroom, now occupied by my mother and her new husband. This was the same room my parents would come out of so happy on Saturday mornings. As I stood in the hallway, I overheard a re-hash of the conversation I’d had with my mother about buying me a bra. I was crushed that she repeated to him verbatim something I had shared with her that was very personal to me.

About this time, my sister, seven years older than me, became pregnant and was promptly shipped off by my mother and her husband. She was sent to the nearest big city to live with a friend of our family, a judge and his wife. My aunt who was a teacher arranged it, and my sister stayed there until she had the baby. She was my aunt’s favorite between us. My aunt took my sister on weekend trips I was not invited or permitted to go on. Once nobody else was in the house but me, my mother’s husband several times approached me and frequently harassed me on the home phone. He was obviously manifesting his alcoholism and not going to work. During this period, he almost burned our house down, attempting to cook a muskrat. How crazy was that? I slept through it all and almost didn’t get out. I was awakened three times; once by my mother, once by my brother, and once by my dog.

I was alone most of the time when I came home from school. Now there was this drunk person in our house every day that