She Called Herself Jess: I Called Her Jessie, a Love of My Life, My Daughter Letters to My Daughter, Jessica Leigh Pfeifer, from Her Mom She Brought Color to the World

By Joann Pfeifer

When her beloved daughter, Jessie, took her life three weeks before graduating college, it left the family and all who knew Jessie stunned. Jessie was a vivacious, privileged child who was dearly loved, and she was raised by a loving village, but even that was not enough to get Jessie through her darkest night. Jessie's mom had written letters to her daughter beginning at her birth and decided to share Jessie with the world after her daughter's death. Suicide needs to be brought out of the shadows and talked about with all young adults. Anyone who chooses death over life needs to be fully aware of the destruction that they will leave behind. Suicide is not romantic. Suicide means that you will never walk on this earth again with those who love you. Proceeds from this book will be shared with nonprofit organizations which Jessie would have wanted to support: animals, conservation efforts, children, national parks, and-one that her mom wants to support-suicide prevention.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Covenant Books, Inc.
• Release date: May 14, 2020
• ISBN: 9781646701513

Book preview

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She Called Herself Jess

I Called Her Jessie, a Love of My Life, My Daughter

Letters to My Daughter, Jessica Leigh Pfeifer, from Her Mom She Brought Color to the World

Joann Pfeifer

ISBN 978-1-64670-150-6 (Paperback)

ISBN 978-1-64670-151-3 (Digital)

Copyright © 2020 Joann Pfeifer

All rights reserved

First Edition

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods without the prior written permission of the publisher. For permission requests, solicit the publisher via the address below.

Covenant Books, Inc.

11661 Hwy 707

Murrells Inlet, SC 29576

www.covenantbooks.com

Prologue

My daughter, Jessica Leigh Pfeifer, called me at 2:27 a.m. on April 19, 2012, and I missed her call. When I climbed out of bed and called her back at 2:30 a.m., the words she spoke to me shortly before her death were, I am going to die today, and she did.

This book is the compilation of the letters that I wrote to Jessie from the time of her birth in 1990. This story shares the wonderful spirit of a girl who I called Jessie. It shares glimpses of her life, her joy, her sadness, her charm, and her life until she left for college and began her own life out of my view. I captured these glimpses through letters that I wrote to her while she was growing up. We stored these letters in a binder that she had access to, and at times, she read my words over my shoulder as I was typing them.

This is also a story of tragedy; a life shut down too soon. This is a story of a very unique young woman who brought color to her family and to those around her and who is greatly missed by the many who love her. Her biggest fans—her dad, her brothers, and me, her mom—miss her more than words can express.

Jessie left for college in the fall of 2008. She was in the dorm the first year and in a house the second year. During her third and fourth year, she settled into another house with two roommates. There was no housephone; the girls only used their cells. I only had Jessie’s number because that was all I needed, that was until Jessie could not answer her phone any longer.

I reached emergency services in Syracuse, and I was keenly aware that I was racing the clock when I was searching for numbers. I need to believe that it would not have mattered, that when she called me, it was already too late. I do carry that doubt. We took great care of her growing up, but in the end, I could not save her from herself.

I started these letters when I began writing to Jessie in her baby book. I was expecting that she would become the owner of the letters in time, but Jessie has left us, and she will never have children to pass them on to. So instead, I want to share the story about a beautiful baby girl who lived boldly and took her life at the age of twenty-one.

Table of Contents

Prologue

Preschool Days

Early–Middle School Years

Transition to High School Years and College

Who Was Jessie?

Acknowledgments

The Obituary for Jessica

About the Author

Preschool Days

You were born on June 19, 1990, at 6:06 p.m. at 8 pounds, 9 ounces, 21 inches long, and it was a day of great joy. I had always wanted a daughter, and here you were!

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One month: You were my quiet bundle of joy, and I am thrilled that I have a daughter. You began to smile during this month, but you were not reacting to the world around you yet. I sing to you all the time.

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Two months: I began to give you formula, and you didn’t mind at all. You didn’t even care what type of nipple was used just as long as you were fed when you were hungry. You began making a lot of sounds and gurgles and were especially pleased when I used my mouth to make sounds for you. I started back to work and cried the first day I dropped you off. I am very eager to leave work to go pick you up! I miss you so much during the workday.

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Three months: You began to come alive! You really like to smile, and it is very rewarding. You kick and push on the changing table and always seem pleased when you get a reaction from me. I’ve started you on rice cereal, and as I expected, I can’t get it in your mouth fast enough. You were baptized on October 7, 1990. Your godfather is Jesse Allen, and your godmother is Angelica Ganser. I find that I rock you to sleep quite often mostly because I love to hold you close. Marion, your sitter, put you into a walker and was shocked that you could push yourself across the rug, but you are not rolling over yet.

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Four months: You are very curious about the world around you. You like to be held as if you are standing. The bathtub is becoming a favorite; you’ve started to splash. We put you in the Johnny Jumper, and you caught on very fast. You sit up really well. Your back is erect, and your neck is strong. I put you in the high chair now for your cereal feeding. At night when I put you in your crib to sleep, I say a little prayer. Now I lay her down to sleep. I pray the Lord her soul to keep. Hold her, Lord, throughout the night, and keep her ’til the morning light.

Yes, I changed the prayer because I couldn’t bear to not have you with me and I didn’t want God to get any ideas.

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Five Months: You started to intentionally roll over this month. You also had your first illness, cold and earache. You are already in twelve-month clothing! You like to sit up and sit up very well for your age. I think you prefer it because you like to see what’s going on. We’ve started feeding you cereal and vegetables at dinner, but you are very interested in what we are eating. Jessie, you’ve begun to extend your arms out for me to pick you up, and it’s so hard to resist. Bath time has become fun for you. You trust me to hold you while you splash and thrash freely. It is becoming harder to feed you your bottle; you won’t sit still but twist, turn, bend backward, bang your bottle, and drive the person who is feeding you crazy! But it won’t be long before you can hold your own bottle completely as you do really well with your bottle lying down. So I’ll cuddle you and attempt to feed you your bottle and let you drive me crazy.

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Six months: Your first Christmas! You slept through Santa on Christmas Eve and presents Christmas Day. Everyone was glad to see you and hugged and kissed you, especially your cousins. Your personality traits are being demonstrated each day. You are a happy baby and are most content on someone’s lap. You are a social infant and like having people around, and you yell to show your displeasure at being left alone. You are determined and know what you want. You also have a long attention span for a child your age. People remark that you are staring at them. Jessie, you have a wonderful smile, and you smile often. You also laugh when I tickle you or play games, and it makes me laugh too. And you can be at the verge of tears, and I can laugh and smile and make things all right for you. I’m trying to teach you to hug and kiss mostly because I love to hug and kiss you. Grandmom A. gave you your first cookie—an Italian biscuit—and you were so pleased with yourself. There were crumbs everywhere!

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Seven months: During this month, you played patty cake, learned to wave, and started to move across the floor in an army crawl. You liked to babble, and sometimes by accident, it would sound like Mom or Dada. We knew you were born with a temper, and at this age, you began to kick your feet to display it as well as yell. You can sit up without support!

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Eight months: You have good range of motion: crawling, sitting, pulling yourself up. One day after you turned eight months, your Grandmother Pfeifer died. We were very sad because we loved her so. She gave us a picture book so that we could show you pictures of her holding you. We will pass our memories of your grandmother to you also.

On March 5, you were standing in your crib and were very proud of yourself. You seem a lot happier now that you can get around.

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Nine months: By nine and a half months, you were proficient at pulling up and walking along the furniture. You began climbing the stairs and your rocking chair. You would pull up to a kneeling position and then stand on the seat holding on the back rung. Of course, I was with you every step of the way. You want some of anything that someone else is eating! Tigger and Kahlua, our cats, have your full attention, and they are so patient. Shaking your head no and dancing were two new activities for you. You are always making sure that someone is watching, will smile to acknowledge it, and continue your activity with renewed energy.

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Ten months: During this month, I expected you to start walking, but instead, you spent your time cruising and gaining strength. You started to crab walk, and we’d laugh at you. You started saying and understanding words like ball, bot for bottle, bird, Mom, Dada.

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Eleven months: You put your head in the water in the bath! You would sit on the floor and spin around on your bottom. You are walking well now. It was a very gradual process. You know what no means but don’t always comply. You see it as a challenge and a game. You get very angry when you are not allowed to do something. You laugh when people laugh, although you can’t know why they are laughing. You can play ball and actually pass it back. You get up and down the step in the kitchen. New words are cow, cat, moo, and you mimic some words like outside, done, and no, no, no! You climb everything—the latest are the changing table and chairs. I think you’re wonderful.

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Twelve months: You began running everywhere and kept us busy chasing you. You love the dogs and cats.

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Thirteen months: You finally got your two bottom front teeth!

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Sixteen months: You finally got your two top front teeth! Your cousin, half your age, has as many teeth as you do. You are very interested in the potty. You ask to go and will sit on it and actually do something. You let me know what the dogs are doing when we walk them.

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Eighteen months: You repeat everything we say and have started to use sentences. You love to be chased and tickled. You’re learning manners and to say you’re sorry.

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May 7, 1992

Dear Jessica,

You are almost two years old, and I can’t believe it! Time has passed so quickly. You have learned so much, and you are no longer my little baby but my little girl. I love you dearly, and you give me such joy. At twenty-two months, you can count from one to ten. You know a lot of colors, including pink; instead of saying green, you pronounce it bean. You know most of your body parts but sometimes confuse your wrist and your ankle. You have had earaches throughout your infancy but have escaped them this winter because you were on medication the entire time!

Chicken pox attacked! You came down with chicken pox on April 29. For the first few days, you only had a few spots and no fever, but on day four, hundreds of pox erupted, and you were miserable. Your dad and I felt so badly. Your dad was home taking care of you for the week. You are much better now, and we are thankful it is over.

On May 1, Opus was put to sleep. You won’t remember him, but he was our dog. He was always moving at top speed and getting into trouble, much like you. He bit a few children in the neighborhood, and that is why we made the decision we did. It broke our hearts. You were starting to move around and open the door, and he would bolt out of the house. Opus was always wonderful to you and me and your dad. You yelled at him a lot since he was always knocking you over, so I am surprised that you don’t ask for him; or maybe you do when I’m not around.

You are wonderful! You are active, creative, happy, devilish, curious, and a lot of fun. I wish you wouldn’t be so rough with the pets. You love being outside, so I expect that you and I will be spending a great deal of time doing lots of things in the yard this summer.

You are an actress. When you get out of the bathtub, you cuddle in my arms and then want to go find Daddy to show him you, the baby in my arms. You have wonderful expressions and make me laugh. You’re becoming very autonomous, and you like to go down to the basement and up to the bedrooms on your own. I am always following you around the house. You can reach the light switches on the stairs and in your room, and the lights go on and off as you decide. I’ve found you upstairs pushing buttons and talking away on the portable phone. Lately, you say, Watch this, and you perform for us by twirling around or doing a tumble or whatever you can think of doing.

June 5, 1992

Dear Jessie,

This is your birthday month, and I can’t wait until your birthday. I expect that you will be so excited when we have your party. You love to sing Happy Birthday, and recently, I’ve been encouraging you to sing Happy Birthday to Jessie!

You are a terrible two monster sometimes. Some days, everything I ask you not to do, you do immediately. You are surely testing the limits.

You love books. Each night, we read about a dozen, but you are also beginning to be interested in TV. We have books on numbers, colors, shapes, and the alphabet, and it is so wonderful to see you soak up all that information. You get your colors right most of the time. You point to things as you count now. You can recognize some letters, and just recently, you can identify some shapes. I overheard you reading a book out loud, and I watched as you pointed to the oval a triangle, a diamond, a heart, and a circle. What’s great is that you made the shape with your finger which is what I do when I read it to you. It is so cute.

You are really into monsters. Everything is a monster, and you often pretend that you are one and growl. You also have become afraid of the dark and won’t walk into a room or areas of the house when the lights are off. What is good is that you can turn on the light in your room when you are in your crib and you can also reach the light switch at the bottom of the stairs. The lights go off and on quite a lot. It allows you control over the darkness. Just recently, you learned how to turn the TV off and on. You just love practicing that new skill.

One Saturday morning, you woke up and started to call to me. I returned your call by responding, What?

After a few calls back and forth, you yelled, Get out of that bed! It sure made me laugh first thing in the morning, and I quickly went to you to give you a hug for making me laugh.

One more story to share… One day, we were sitting on the brick patio. I was reading, and you were hanging out. You were watching ants travel back and forth along the brick while sitting with your legs stretched out. You told me that an ant went into your pants, but I didn’t think anything of it and remarked that you should be careful or the ant would bite your bottom. With that, you stood up and started to dance around saying, Ouie, ouie. I started to laugh and thought that I’d take a look just to make sure. Sure enough, there was an ant biting your butt!

August 14, 1992

Dear Jessie,

Yesterday was Daddy’s birthday, and you had a great time singing to him and helping him blow out the candles. You think that birthdays are fun. This weekend, you will be going to a birthday party at Chuckie Cheese’s for one of your friends.

You are finally potty trained. It took over three months, but being trained at two years and two months is wonderful indeed.

Today, you are staying home with Daddy. He is off from work, and you have been telling me all week that you don’t want to go to day care, so we decided to keep you home. I hope that you don’t continue to complain about day care because it will only make it harder for me to drop you off in the morning.

You are fascinated with Walt Disney movies. I’ve watched the movie 101 Dalmatians 101 times. Bambi is a real favorite and Dumbo a close second. TV doesn’t intrigue you as much as I thought that it would, but movies keep you glued to the TV.

The other day, you were