40 Days of Sorrow

By PJ Kerr

I said in the beginning of his departure, I had a foot on earth and a foot in heaven. I'm standing on the edge, looking at death. Even before I or anyone else knew he was gone, the premonitions came. Call it mother's intuition, grief, walking in a cloud. Call it shock. Call it processing twenty-seven years of your child's life lost in heartbeats. It's real for others; it's not just me. There are more mommas of lost children who feel this sorrow, yet find the divinity despite it. Some cope, and some don't. Some take their own lives eventually.

There's no special name, like widow or orphan, for us parents who lose. Mothers are deeply connected to those who have arrived on earth through us. I once read in a social media group, "upon a loss of a child, we stand in the middle of the river of life, heaven, and earth. There are deep knowings or mysteries afoot, and not everyone is privy to them." This is my life now. A blessing and a curse.

Many things unfolded before my eyes from day 1. It all felt very dreamlike. The unimaginable happened, and events were telling me he was contacting me from the eternal state. I wrote all hours of the night. I was compelled to write. I took photos not to forget; when the shock wore off, would I remember details? Forty Days of Sorrow was mostly written, and many photographs taken during the initial forty days after my son, Bradley's, death. I kept a journal and communicated via social media with many family and friends. It was during the beginning of the COVID pandemic impacting in the USA. Sorrow and isolation were profound. I assembled my personal writings and photos about six months after to keep the integrity of the events and my state of mind during this process. My next move is to join the fight against the cause of his death.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Page Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: Apr 28, 2022
• ISBN: 9781662457418

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40 Days of Sorrow

PJ Kerr

Copyright © 2021 PJ Kerr

All rights reserved

First Edition

PAGE PUBLISHING

Conneaut Lake, PA

First originally published by Page Publishing 2021

ISBN 978-1-6624-5740-1 (pbk)

ISBN 978-1-6624-5741-8 (digital)

Printed in the United States of America

Table of Contents

Day 1 (July 12)

Day 2 (July 13)

Day 3 (July 14)

Day 4 (July 15)

Day 5 (July 16)

Day 6 (July 17)

Day 7 (July 18)

Day 8 (July 19)

Day 9 (July 20)

Day 10 (July 21)

Day 11 (July 22)

Day 12 (July 23)

Day 13 (July 24)

Day 14 (July 25)

Day 15 (July 26)

Day 16 (July 27)

Day 17 (July 28)

Day 18 (July 29)

Day 19 (July 30)

Day 20 (July 31)

Day 21 (August 1)

Day 22 (August 2)

Day 23 (August 3)

Day 24 (August 4)

Day 25 (August 5)

Day 26 (August 6)

Day 27 (August 7)

Day 28 (August 8)

Day 29 (August 9)

Day 30 (August 10)

Day 31 (August 11)

Day 32 (August 12)

Day 33 (August 13)

Day 34 (August 14)

Day 35 (August 15)

Day 36 (August 16)

Day 37 (August 17)

Day 38 (August 18)

Day 39 (August 19)

Day 40 (August 20)

In memory of Bradley Lessor.

Forty Days of Sorrow: Watching Heaven's Window by P. J. Kerr.

Written mostly from July 12, 2020, through August 20, 2020,

on my back porch at sunrise.

Day 1 (July 12)

July 12, 2020—8:06 a.m., Home on the Treasure Coast, Florida, before my son transitioned to heaven.

July 12, 2020—a hot, summer Sunday. I drove my father to his home to check on the house. He was living with me while he recovered from a hospital stay. He noticed a bag in his back room, with a handgun that he was missing. I proceeded to check the windows. One was unlocked in the back room, so I locked it. I started walking through the house and checking all the windows. The last room I walked into was his bedroom. My little dog, a min pin named Trippa, followed me into the room. As I walked toward the windows, I walked across the floor, where my mom had died in 2004. The paramedics had laid her on the floor to use the heart paddles. Trippa walked right across there and peed as she walked, which she never does inside.

As I looked at her peeing across the rug, in my thoughts, I saw her marking death. I heard my son's name in my right ear and saw his life and mine flashing fast-forward. I grabbed my phone and called him. No answer. It was around 1:00 p.m. and late for him to be sleeping. He worked at 3:00 p.m. I called his house manager number and asked if he was around. Corey said he was sleeping and had been heard snoring still. I asked for him to go wake him and have him call me. I was nervous. My father and I got in my car and returned home. I drove nervously. I was afraid they would call while I was driving. Call and give me death news, and I would crash the car. I knew it, I was shaking badly. I said nothing to my dad. I made it home safely, which was about forty minutes after my premonition and speaking to Corey.

After I arrived home around 3:00 p.m., I went straight to my bedroom to be alone and called and text Brad over and over. No reply. I called everyone that I had numbers there several times. I had my neighbor Lisa call with no success. I told her I thought it was bad. Brad lived about eighty miles south, and I was panicking and thinking horrible things, but I knew I could not drive. At 8:30 p.m., my doorbell rang, which was very unusual. I opened the door and there stood two county sheriff officers. I screamed, What happened to my son! They instructed me to call a number of a detective in the county my son was living in. I called and the homicide detective advised me of my son's passing. I kept repeating, What can I do!