It's Not Personal: Unmasking Offense

By Dena Hoover

Have you had your feelings hurt? Or maybe, you have hurt someone's feelings. This should come as no surprise as God's Word tells us in Luke 17:1 that "It is impossible that no offenses should come." In this bold biblical-based Bible study, the truth that God's people are ripping each other apart by their words and actions will be clear. But don't stop there: the encouraging word is that we do not have to stay this way. Whether we are doing the offending or we are the offended, we are walking away with hurts no Band-Aid can fix. Dena's heart's desire is that through the power of God's Word and the healing only Jesus can bring, we will not only be healed but learn how to do things differently. Her hope is that we will learn not to take things personally and yet keep our sensitivity. God thinks very highly of His children. She wants you to know how valued you are in the Kingdom. We have a role in God's plan. But we are too busy licking our wounds and out of hurt, inflicting hurt on each other. We have to get our focus back on our purpose. God created us in His image (Gen. 1:27), which is love. However, somewhere in our journey we have begun to devour like the enemy (1 Pet. 5:8). Through this twelve-week study, you will reconnect with the Savior and begin to allow the brick wall to come down that over time has grown to protect your heart. God will show you that the wall of protecting only imprisons. Allow yourself to be free!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Christian Faith Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: Dec 5, 2018
• ISBN: 9781641913096

Book preview

cover.jpg

It's Not Personal: Unmasking Offense

Dena Hoover

ISBN 978-1-64191-308-9 (Paperback)

ISBN 978-1-64191-309-6 (Digital)

Copyright © 2018 by Dena Hoover

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods without the prior written permission of the publisher. For permission requests, solicit the publisher via the address below.

Christian Faith Publishing, Inc.

832 Park Avenue

Meadville, PA 16335

www.christianfaithpublishing.com

Printed in the United States of America

Table of Contents

Acknowledgment

Bible Study Instructions

Introduction

Lesson 1Week 1

Lesson 2 Week 1

Lesson 3 Week 1

Lesson 1 Week 2

Lesson 2 Week 2

Lesson 3 Week 2

Lesson 1 Week 3

Lesson 2 Week 3

Lesson 3 Week 3

Lesson 1 Week 4

Lesson 2 Week 4

Lesson 3 Week 4

Lesson 1 Week 5

Lesson 2 Week 5

Lesson 3 Week 5

Lesson 1 Week 6

Lesson 2 Week 6

Lesson 3 Week 6

Lesson 1 Week 7

Lesson 2 Week 7

Lesson 3 Week 7

Lesson 1 Week 8

Lesson 2 Week 8

Lesson 3 Week 8

Lesson 1 Week 9

Lesson 2 Week 9

Lesson 3 Week 9

Lesson 1 Week 10

Lesson 2 Week 10

Lesson 3 Week 10

Lesson 1 Week 11

Lesson 2 Week 11

Lesson 3 Week 11

Lesson 1 Week 12

Lesson 2 Week 12

Lesson 3 Week 12

-

About the Author

To God for never giving up on me even when I wanted to give up on myself. I am so thankful that you are a God of second chances.

To my family, Dan, Casey, Scott, Haley, and Nathan, without you nothing would be as fun or meaningful. I love you all so much!

Know therefore that the lord your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commands.

—Deuteronomy 7:9

Acknowledgment

My daughter, Casey Williams, for the beautiful illustrations and inspiring the book cover. I thank God for your talent and willingness to share it to help create this Bible study.

Bible Study Instructions

Each chapter will have questions for participation. They are noted in italics.

All scripture is from the New International Version unless otherwise noted.

Each lesson ends with three highlighted points from the lesson.

Twelve-week study with three lessons per week.

Each lesson includes an illustration for a visual take on the lesson.

Introduction

Welcome. I want to begin by saying that it is a pleasure to meet you. Now I realize I have not shook your hand or since I am from the south and we have never met a stranger, I would have given you a hug. No, that has not happened. But I do believe that as God’s creations we have a connection even without visually seeing each other. We have similar emotions and possibly common reactions. If I may go a little deeper, maybe our hearts have or are currently broken by a word spoken to or about us. If you are like me, you take things to heart and tend to be sensitive. To be honest, I am not a fan of the misuse of the word sensitive . Being sensitive is not a bad thing. In fact, the world could use more people that are sensitive to others’ needs. Where I think the confusion comes with the word sensitive is in how it is implied. I believe the more accurate statement would be I take things too personally . Yes, that feels more appropriate. I don’t want us to lose our sensitivity, but I do desire that we do not take others’ words or actions personally. That is where I am now, years after the incident.

Allow me to explain. Several years ago, I had an experience that if it hadn’t been for the complete surrounding of the Lord holding me up, I would have been crushed by it. I was hurt, and I don’t mean like something you could spray a little Bactine on, slap a Band-Aid over, and go back out to play. No, this was my heart ripped out of my chest, and a gapping, skin shredded hole left gushing blood. Words were spoken, actions followed, and I was left not knowing what had hit me. Hindsight, I don’t think it would had been so painful if it hadn’t been that those that delivered the blows were not only my closest friends, but close church members. Oh, yes, I said it. They were my church family. Before I knew it, I had taken on an offense.

This study came to me as a big surprise. I was going along in my day to day when God began to pour it out of me. It is truly an example that what the enemy meant for evil, God will use for good. This is where we meet. Hi!

Please allow me to be bold. We are ripping each other apart by our words. Whether we are the one offending or if we are the offended, we are walking away with hurts no Band- Aid can fix. It is my heart’s desire that through the power of God’s Word and the healing only Jesus can bring, we will not only be healed but learn how to do things differently. My hope is that we will learn not to take things so personally and yet keep our sensitivity. God thinks very highly of His children. I want you to know how valued we are in the kingdom. We have a role in God’s plan. But we are too busy licking our wounds that we have inflicted on each other. We have got to get our focus back on our purpose.

I will be honest, dealing with issues of the heart can be painful and, yes, scary. It has been no picnic. But I can tell you that throughout the entire journey, God has never left my side. I can say with compete confidence that it was worth it. The freedom far outweighs the tears.

My new friend, Jesus longs to see you whole again. Take His hand and allow Him to be your guide through this journey. For as James 8:36 states, those that the Son sets free, are free indeed.

Dena

Lesson 1Week 1

Welcome to It’s Not Personal: Unmasking Offense . As we begin, I want us to remember what Christ did for us on the cross. He not only died for our sins, but that we would live abundant lives. With that truth it is my hope that through this unmasking of offense, we can begin to realize and live the freedom we have been given. So without any further delay, let’s dive into what I believe is a crippling, sometimes undetected, cause of division between what would have been prosperous relationships.

There are two roles here—the offender and the offended. If we can learn how not to be offended, then the offender loses their power. If we are offended, then we have the choice to or not to allow it to cause us to sin. And lastly, learn to watch what and how we communicate our words so that we are not offending. Through the next twelve weeks, I believe we are going to learn the tools to do just that.

The Offender: The Doer

It hurts when people say things about you that aren’t true. It brings tears to my eyes as I write this. Why? What makes them think that it is okay? I just want to scream stop! But I am afraid to say, even if I did, that they probably wouldn’t, and if not them, it would be someone else. I hate to have to say that, but here is how I know.

Look at what Luke 17:1 has to say:

It is impossible that no offenses should come. (NKJ)

There it is in scripture that we will have offenses come our way. Those people are going to say what they want to say and do what they want to do. But I believe that we can be prepared. I pray that through the next weeks that we are together, we not only find healing for the wounds left behind from past offenses, but that we gain a healthy anger that causes us to rise up and say, Yes, offenses may come, but I am prepared. We don’t have to take this lying down.

I have always felt that you can prepare for battle best if you know who you are facing. So let’s get our facts straight.

By definition, offense means to cause displeasure:

Anger, resentment, or wounded feelings in

To be displeasing or disagreeable to

a. To transgress, violate

b. To cause to sin

Wow! Wait a minute! Did you catch that? Look again at no. 3b. Yes, it says to cause to sin.

Okay, we are into something here. To fully gain the knowledge, we need to prepare ourselves. I believe it is best to take a look at both sides—the offended and the offender. First, I have to sadly admit that I have been on the giving end of offense. I know that there have been times that I allowed words to come from my mouth that were not, as I like to say, called for. With that being said, we will look at the offender first.

Going back to the definition where it says to cause to sin. Let us take a look at how Jesus views those that cause another to sin.

Read Luke 17:1–3.

Well, there it is again. Another fact. Jesus is telling us that things that cause us to sin will come. Just like offense will come, there will be things that cause us to sin. But here is the part as the offender we need to pay close attention to.

What is the word used in regard to the one who brings one to sin? Circle the correct answer.

music woe lunch clothes

Woe! Right off the bat. Woe, which means misery or deep distress. I love that about God’s Word. He means what He says and says what He means. He doesn’t mince words. He is compassionate while being direct. With that word you can know that what is next can’t be good.

What does it say would be better to happen to that person then to cause them to sin?

I don’t know about you, but I can’t watch those mob movies where they put someone in concrete boots and plunge them to the bottom of the ocean. That is what comes to mind when I read this scripture.

Putting the puzzle pieces together to what we have discovered so far:

Offense can cause someone to sin, and if you cause someone to sin, it would be worse than being thrown in the sea with a millstone tied around your neck.

Like I, with a saddened heart earlier admitted, I have offended others. Therefore, I have sinned. The great thing is that I am forgiven. I can take it to Jesus because of what He did at the cross and be forgiven. Somebody shout halleluiah with me!

Let’s see how we obtain that forgiveness.

Turn to 1 John 1:9.

"If we our , he is faithful and just and will us our sins."

We must acknowledge that we have sinned and speak it out of our mouth. Confess.

Then turn to Jeremiah 15:19.

"If you , I will restore you."

Admitting a sin, in this case an offense to God, is imperative to being forgiven. However, there are certain circumstances that warrant us going to that person that we have hurt and confessing our remorse for a certain act or word spoken.

Refer to Matthew 5:23–24 to see what Jesus has to say about reconciliation with your brother.

Per verse 24, what are we to do first? Circle the correct answer. Notice I asked do not go.

altar quilt make ice cream go to brother

First, we are at the altar. I love the opportunity to bow down before the Lord. Although we can seek Him in any setting, there is just something about being in that position. It is there I pray and seek His guidance. That is the same concept here: seek Him for the clarification if there has been an offense performed and then if we are to go to our brother. Oftentimes we have not offended but, due to guilt or past hurts, believe we have. I am not taking away the importance of asking a brother that has been harmed by our doing but merely saying to go to prayer first.

After the altar, what is next? Circle the correct answer.

God answers. UPS delivers a package. The cookies are done.

When we seek God, He is faithful to answer. The scripture uses the word remember (John 14:26). The Holy Spirit brings the incident to your memory, and God directs your steps.

What is the next step?

Here we have the go part of the scripture. Go to your brother and reconcile.

And finally, what is the last step?

Come back to the altar and give your gift. I once heard a speaker tell of how she would seek God before an event until one day the Lord spoke to her about coming to Him after the event. There are things He wants to share with you after we have been obedience just like before. Don’t miss out on any of His intimacy.

Confessing to God is a must. Confessing to others is revealed by the Holy Spirit if this is a case when God desires you to speak with that person. Take time to ask God how He wants you to proceed.

Please know that whether or not that person accepts your apology has no bearing on your forgiveness. I often pray for God to give me the words to speak to that person and to prepare their heart to receive my apology.

It is not by the words from our mouths alone that we are finished here. There is another step that is crucial to complete forgiveness. Have you ever had someone tell you that they were sorry for something they did but they turned around and did the very same thing again? They didn’t repent. They confessed that they were sorry, but there was no new action that followed. The repentance was missing. The complete act of forgiveness is the confessing and repentance. There must be a change of action, of behavior. The words are only half of the process. We turn from that sin, that thing that we are sorry for, and do differently. That is my prayer for our lives:

That we would not just be different but do different.

We are called to be in the world but not of it. In other words, we live here but we don’t have to act like here.

Take a look at 1 Peter 2:24 and see that by Jesus selfless act on the cross, He has covered our sins.

What did Jesus do for us?

What three things did He give us from His actions?

The Son of God loved us so much that He hung on a tree and bore our sins. What a sincere act of unconditional love. We are forgiven. Praise Jesus!

Precious child of God, if you have been an offender, Jesus waits. He took your sin that day at Calvary. Go, run, walk, crawl if you have to and tell Him all about it. He is faithful to forgive. As we receive that release, we can now begin to seek Him on how to do differently.

Thank you for spending this day with our Redeemer, Jesus Christ. I am so proud of you for your desire to be free. I pray your heart is beginning to feel lighter. Shout His Holy name, we are forgiven. Until tomorrow, dear one, when we look at the one the offender offended.

Highlights of today’s lesson:

Steps to having offended a brother:

Altar in prayer

God directs

If He says Go, reconcile.

Return to the altar

Lesson 2 Week 1

Yesterday we learned that offense will come, and if we have been an offender, Jesus provided a path for forgiveness. Today we are going to look at the other end of the spectrum, the one being offended. The one who by the words or actions of another have left us broken and bruised, sometimes feeling beyond repair. But with great excitement, I tell you that although it may not feel like it right now, there is someone who desires to and is the only one who can heal those deep wounds. Yes, the very same One who hung on a cross so that we could be forgiven for our sins is the One who wants you to be whole again. Looking back on the time in my life when I experienced the most intense pain over being offended brings back memories of days when I just didn’t want to get out of the bed. I wanted the hurt to stop and the situation to go away. I can say now, after many years and countless tears, that I can in some strange way thank those who caused me so much suffering. I know that may be difficult to believe, but from that particular time has come not only the birth of this study, but a compassion for others that only God could have placed within my heart. I pray that complete healing for you. I can sit here at this laptop as I type and promise you that if you will allow Jesus to mend your heart, you too can be healed.

Let’s pray before we begin today:

Most Gracious Heavenly Father,

We thank you that you loved us so much that You were willing to send Your only Son, Jesus Christ, to die for our sins. And Jesus, even though You could have called a thousand angels to rescue You from being nailed on that cross, You didn’t. We are beyond grateful. We ask You today to begin to heal wounds that have been inflicted upon our hearts and create a new heart in each of us. We need the healing that only you can provide. Hold us, teach us, and show us how to recognize an offence in the future. We want to be mighty women and men of God for God’s kingdom. We thank You that even though some of our wounds are deep, none are too severe for You. Thank you that we can come to you with tear-filled eyes and know You will receive us right where we are. Thank You for the work You are about to do in each of us. We give You all the glory.

In your precious name we pray,

Amen

The Offended: The Receiver

I am beginning to think that this is going to be the most difficult lesson that I will be called to write. Not because the Holy Spirit isn’t going to lead me, but because to write on this subject I must remember my own pains. And most of all, I know you have experienced them too. As scary and painful as the memories may be, the freedom will far outweigh the pain. This is for a season.

Look at Ecclesiastes 3:1. Fill in the blanks.

"There is a for everything, and a for every activity under heaven."

Growing up in the beautiful state of North Carolina, I got to witness four very distinct seasons of the year—the beautiful colors of leaves in the fall, the up-earthing of tulips as they woke from the chill of winter in the spring, and the summer days full of children laughing as they enjoy their break from school. I did not realize how precious all four seasons were until we moved to Florida where it is one season, summer, just in varying degrees of hot. I believe we, as children of God, go through our own distinct season as we live this life on earth.

Maybe, just maybe, this season of hurt is like the season of winter, a time that appears as though everything is dead. But spring is right around the corner, a new birth.

Look at Isaiah 43:19.

Yee-ha, we don’t have to nor are we supposed to stay in our winter months. He is and wants to do a new thing! Spring. Take a moment and close your eyes. Vision with me a field full of blooming flowers. The wind is blowing, and they dance freely. (The great thing about visioning is that if you have hay fever, your eyes won’t swell and no sneezing is involved.)

He is making a way in the desert. Oh, how I have felt like I have been in a desert—dry, alone, and tired. I want out of this season. Don’t you? I pray it is a resounding yes! Then here we go, spring up, you flower of God and bloom.

Why does offense rip at us with such harshness? I believe the answer is best stated by David.

Turn with me to Psalm 55:12–14 and see what insight David had.

If an enemy were insulting me,

I could endure it;

if a foe were raising himself against me,

I could hide from him.

But it is you, a man like myself,

my companion, my close friend,

with whom I once enjoyed sweet fellowship

as we walked with the

throng of the house of God.

Write T if the statement is true and F if it is false.

David considered this man a close friend.

They had not fellowshipped together.

They walked in the ways of God.

If it had been an enemy, he would have understood.

What did this person do to David?

insulted him sang to him called him drove him to work

What I would have given to have known this scripture ahead of time. To have realized what David’s heart cry was as he tried to comprehend how his close friend, a man he had loved and walked with in the ways of the Lord, could have come against him in such a way as to leave him bewildered and dazed. I sense the surprise in that a friend left him in such pain by the words, the insults he said to him. Almost in an attack, as David puts it, rising against him. A foe defined as a personal enemy. At the drop of a hat, one has gone from a friend to a foe. I get the impression that David didn’t expect or see it coming. I mean, to give him a little credit, who would have? As I step back in time, I remember a close friend. She was a dear woman who I had shared personal sorrows and victories with. Without a warning, she said some things, followed by actions. And like David, I felt I had been blindsided. To make matters worse, we had walked in the ways of the Lord.

Have you ever had a close friend become a foe in what seemed a blink of an eye?

Yes No

Elaborate if you feel lead to. That is one of the great things about having a workbook. It is for your and the Lord’s eyes only.

How did it make you feel? Circle the words that describe your reaction.

happy angry surprised excited dazed hurt

I doubt any of us walked away happy or excited but angry, dazed, and hurt probably ranked up there. Why do you think it caused such a slew of negative emotions?

I think we can find our answer in David’s words.

Reread verse 12. Do you know why David says that if it had been an enemy that had insulted him that he could have endure it?

I believe in two words we can sum up why a friend’s insults leaves us dazed and hurt:

expectation

and

investment

Insults coming from an enemy would have been expected, but from a friend, a close one at that, it’s not expected. Also, we rarely have