The Year After

By Jennifer Southers

When my husband passed away, I was overwhelmed with grief, with decisions that had to be made, and being alone. I had watched other individuals go through the transition to widowhood with such grace. I never saw the moments when they broke down. I never knew the struggles they experienced time and time again in that first year. Now here I was navigating through the same space and struggling hard. I have journaled daily for a number of years. My journaling became my best friend as I was able to write down my thoughts and feelings and record steps I was taking and decisions I was making. At the end of the first year, I looked back and marveled at all that had happened, all that I had done. The first year after losing the love of your life is probably one of the most difficult years you will ever experience. My son recommended that I write The Year After, so that maybe some of the things I learned can help another person. This book is a compilation of the thoughts, feelings, and challenges I experienced in that first year after my husband passed away. I pray there is a thought or idea that will help you navigate this challenging time. May God be with you and bless you.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Covenant Books, Inc.
• Release date: Aug 8, 2019
• ISBN: 9781645591962

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My Spouse Has Passed Away

Day 1

June 29, 2015

Dear God, as I come to you in prayer, I ask that you give my husband a respite from his pain. Please, Lord, let him feel your presence and your peace. Thank you, Lord, for your love, your goodness, your mercy, and your grace. This was the prayer I prayed after dropping Denny off at home after a dentist appointment to fix his broken front tooth from the night before.

I wondered where he was at. Why did my phone call go to voicemail? I have this uneasy feeling as I head home from work. I stopped and get the mail and wondered again why didn’t he get the mail like normal, but I know why. I got home and our little dachshund came running out of the bedroom; and as I picked her up. There was no sound. My husband passed away as he lay down to take his nap. Oh my god, what do I do now? (I am panicked and not thinking clearly).

My son and daughter-in-law and my best friends were at the house within minutes of me calling. All of a sudden, I wondered, Am I going to be in trouble with the police? I did not call them first. What do I do next? How can this be happening? As I thanked my kids, family, and friends for all they were doing in that first few hours, my mind has stopped. It felt like I am stuck in a bad dream. I felt God’s presence and peace as I was sitting on the patio, and so many things were happening around me. These first few hours, after finding my husband, have been long and arduous. I was trying to answer all the questions posed to me and also have questions of my own. The biggest one is how am I going to survive this life without the love of my life?

Day 2 and 3

The kids were all at the house, and we headed to the funeral home. I felt like I am in living in someone else’s shoes. This can’t be me planning my husband’s funeral. He was too young Lord. As I gathered my thoughts, got the clothes for him to have on, I was thankful that he was no longer in pain, and it struck me hard. God answered my prayer. God gave my husband a permanent respite from his pain and struggles. I have to stop and thank God. This is not the way I wanted my prayer answered, but God chose a greater and more permanent answer. I was jealous. Why can’t I be in heaven with my love? Why, God, am I still here while my world feels like it has been shaken off of its axis?

My stepsons were struggling; and as we were at the funeral home, and they saw their Dad. They were shaken at what they saw. My oldest son was going to conduct the funeral; and as he and my stepsons were discussing the obituary and the funeral and asking for my input, I struggled to make decisions. I wanted to make sure I honor my husband like he would want. The boys were great helping me decide on the little details. As I sit at the table, trying to hold back tears, I was thankful for their love for their dad and for me. I was also ready to go home. I was tired. I was sad. My heart was aching, I wanted this to be over because I was fighting that it cannot be happening, and this should be someone else, not me.

The next couple of days, we sorted through pictures, laughed at stories about my husband, and helped my son prepare the sermon for the funeral. Even though I was fully present in person, I was not in mind. My thoughts drifted to my grandkids and how they are going to miss their Papaw. I thought about the trip to Tennessee we had planned and that I need to cancel those arrangements. I thought about how my life has changed and sit at the table with a few tears. I found myself laughing and crying all at the same time.

Day 4

July 2

The Funeral

Lord, help me through this day. I cannot do this in my own strength. I need You to help carry me through. Help me, Lord, to be strong for my stepsons and my grandkids. Thank you, Lord, for your amazing love. I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength (Philippians 4:13), my life verse.

My daughters-in-law were in charge of helping me get through this day. We needed to be at the church at 1:00 p.m. for the family viewing and prepare ourselves for the public viewing. The girls decided we should go get pedicures, one of my simple pleasures, and off we went. The girls made sure I had some food in my stomach, and my daughter-in-law gave me some medicine that my doctor had prescribed to help me through this long and stressful day. I couldn’t decide what to wear. I knew I needed to be comfortable, but I also wanted to look pretty for my husband. He would always tell me how beautiful I was and that I was a natural beauty. No one was going to say that to me again. I was finally dressed and ready to go. At the church, I was so thankful for all of the beautiful words, gifts, and kindness that was on display. My husband was loved by so many, and what I found as I entered the church with all the flowers and memorials was a testimony to the love that was being showered on me and the kids.

I cannot believe how many people came through the receiving line. There were so many, and the line wound around the church and outside the building. As I stood next to the casket and heard and said the same words over and over, I began to break down. I would sit, and then I got to where I was, fainting. My kids were making sure I stayed hydrated and were giving me another pill to help with the anxiety. I wanted the day to stop. I did not want to be here. I was not ready to say goodbye to my love. Okay, back up and hugging and helping others through this loss as well, do what you need to do. Please, Lord, help me.

I was told my son did a wonderful job with his stepdad’s funeral. I remember a story his boy’s told about how good a dad he was and how he learned to juggle because they wanted to know if he could. I don’t have a recollection other than that of the funeral. I was told of the impact of the words my son shared regarding my husband’s desire that all come to know the Lord. My husband had lived life and was not always a Christian. The last twelve years of his life were a time of growing and coming to know the Lord in a very personal and real way. He knew what amazing grace was all about and wanted everyone else to know what it was too.

As I was sitting outside and they brought the casket out and put it in the funeral car and the final words and prayer were said, I lost it. I told them they can’t take him away. It was too soon. I was not ready. My oldest son, the minister, got down on his knee and looked at me. By this time, I was sitting or else I would have fallen. He said it is time. I have to let him go. The car pulled away, and I lost it. My youngest son and best friend stepped in and took me into the church to get my things and head over to the family dinner. There was someone that was trying to get my attention, and my son explained to her that I needed some time. I don’t remember this interaction at all. I had totally separated myself from that moment in time. I know this sounds like I am a weakling. I had totally shut down. My body had quit, and I had fainted full-out. The boys stayed and took care of the family needs, and my best friend and daughters-in-law took me home. I woke up sometime around 2:00 in the morning, still in the dress I wore to the funeral, a chair by the bed where Brenda had sat and kept watch over me. I walked out into the living room, and all the kids were there just in case I needed something. Thank you, God, for this amazing family and for all the love you showered on me this day.

Day 5

July 3

I felt strange. The kids were all at the house. We went out for breakfast. I was walking and talking, yet I felt like I was on the outside looking in. We spent the day going on a walk, sitting around a campfire, and then watching fireworks. I was so ready to be home and be in my safe place. I just needed some alone time so I can begin processing all that has happened this week and what I need to do next. I was thankful to climb in my bed and get some much-needed rest.

Day 6

July 4

My niece is getting married today. Lord, how I am going to do this by myself? I don’t want to go and have people feeling sorry for me, or even looking at me. This is my niece’s big day. Help me, Lord, to be there and be present.

I decided that I would wear the dress that my husband liked and that I was going to do the best that I could. The kids picked me up, and off we went. The day was beautiful, and my niece looked like Cinderella in her beautiful gown.

I was sitting at the reception, and this lady that had lived next