Instability: Jack's Story

By Jj Slotz

Growing up in the foster care system isn't easy on anyone. For some, it's even harder. The psyche of a child, or anyone, really, is such a fragile thing. It can be broken so easily. When you go through trauma, your brain finds a way to cope. Most of the time, the damage can eventually be healed. In some cases, though, such as Jacqueline's, Jack for short, trauma creates a sociopath. There's no coming back from that.

She went through most of her life without it being a major issue for her, or anyone around her. She never intentionally harmed anyone in any way. She just didn't feel as strongly as others. Then she met Gavin, the first man she ever wanted to try to build a normal life with. He is the best boyfriend anyone could ask for, even a sociopath. He is kind, thoughtful, loving, and supportive. Jack's favorite part about him, he has a submissive personality, which meant they got along very well. Her dominant personality never clashed with his.

But there is a problem. Gavin's best friend, Nino, is a sociopath as well. Nino had a hold on Gavin for twenty years before Jack met him. He was manipulative and abusive. There is no way Jack will allow Nino to remain in Gavin's life. He is her person now. She wants to protect him. The issue is Nino won't let go without a fight. He has groomed and manipulated Gavin into doing what he wanted for so long. He won't allow Jack to just walk in and take away his pet.

Jack and Nino are both used to getting what they want. So, which one of them wants Gavin more? Which one of them is willing to do whatever it takes to keep him? How far will either of them go? Sociopaths can be dangerous to anyone. Imagine how dangerous they can be toward each other.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Newman Springs Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: Jul 21, 2021
• ISBN: 9781638812050

Book preview

Chapter 1

After a hard day of fourth grade, I walked home. I remember that it was a Friday because that meant my mom was going to take me to rent a movie. So, all I was thinking about on that walk home was what movie I wanted and how I would convince my mom to get me a bucket of popcorn. She always told me it was the same as the microwave bags we had at home. But everyone knows that just isn’t true.

When I got home, she was passed out on the couch. I was a little upset because that meant she was high again. Which also meant I had to wait until my dad got home from work to go rent movies. By the age of nine, I had started calling Carson my dad. After all, he was the only father I had really ever known. On the bright side, he always let me get candy and a bucket of popcorn without me having to beg. So, I just tried to think of it as a positive. I made myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I went back to the living room, sat on the couch next to my mom, and ate it as I watched TV. When I finished eating, I got us a blanket and cuddled up next to her to take a nap.

As I lay with her, I wished she would stop doing drugs. Dad had quit drugs, so why couldn’t she? I thought about the time she quit for a few months. It was the happiest time of my short life. She had never neglected me. Even when using, she was a good mom. But when she was clean, she was even better. She had more energy to play with me and take me to the park. She laughed more, and she seemed so much happier. So, I didn’t understand why she started doing drugs again. I pulled her arm around me and thought to myself, One day, she will be okay again. One day I’ll have my mom back." I laid my head on her chest and listened to her shallow breaths as I fell asleep.

I was woken up by my dad coming home from work. He sat down in the chair next to the door and took off his work boots.

Hi, Daddy, can you take me to get movies now. Mommy has been sleeping since I got home. I was still lying on her chest as I asked.

Yeah, baby, just let me take a shower first, then we can go get— My dad stopped talking when he looked up at us after he set his boots by the door. Jack, get up, get up off Mom, sweetie.

He rushed toward us, and I sat up, scared and confused. I looked down at my mom’s face. She was pale, her lips blue. Her mouth was filled with so much vomit it was spewing out the side. Her eyes were slightly opened and bloodshot. He picked me up off her and stood me up next to the couch. He turned my mom onto her side, and puke spilled onto the floor.

I was so terrified, I started crying. Daddy, what’s happening? Why isn’t Mom moving?

Jack, go into the kitchen and call 911. Tell them your mom isn’t breathing and needs an ambulance.

Why isn’t she breathing? What’s happening? Tears poured from my eyes.

jack! I know you’re scared, but you have to go call 911 right this second. He yelled at me at that time. He never yelled at me. He started putting his fingers in my mom’s mouth, clearing vomit from her throat.

I ran to the kitchen and called for an ambulance. The 911 operator told me to stay on the phone. I pulled the cord around the wall and watched my dad. He had pulled her onto the floor and was doing CPR. But nothing was happening. He started yelling and hitting her chest harder.

Caitlyn! Wake up, Caitlyn! He blew into her mouth.

The 911 operator asked me who was yelling and what was happening. I could hardly breathe. I was crying so hard. It’s my dad. He is telling her to wake up and pushing on her chest. Why isn’t anything happening? Why won’t my mom wake up? The woman told me to breathe slowly. That the ambulance was almost there. She said that I should go open the door then come back to the phone. So, that’s what I did.

My dad started screaming again. But now, he was also crying. Caitlyn, no! Baby, wake up! Please wake up! He stopped chest compressions and picked her up. He held her in his arms and buried his face in her chest as he cried harder. When he lifted her up, her head fell backward. Her lifeless face turned toward me. Her eyes were still open. They were normally bright green but now looked foggy and gray. I stared into her eyes, and I knew she was never coming back. I also knew that it was my fault. She was still breathing when I lay down with her. I let my mother die as I slept on her chest.

The paramedics and police came into the house, and I hung up the phone. I stood with my back to the wall. I slid down to the floor as I watched the paramedics try to get my dad to let go of my mom. He finally let her go, and they hooked her up to some machine. My dad crawled over to me and sat me in his lap. He continued to cry as he kissed the top of my head and held me. I wasn’t crying anymore, nor did I take my eyes off my mom’s. I sat in my dad’s lap, silently holding on to my secret. I had killed my mom. I could have saved her, and I didn’t. I did nothing. Just went to sleep, and I could never tell anyone.

After a few minutes, the paramedics stopped working on my mom. One of them looked over at me and my dad and just shook his head. My dad squeezed me as he leaned his head on mine and continued to bawl. I remained silent as tears started to fall from my eyes again. They called a doctor and told them they could find no sign of life. She was pronounced dead on arrival.

I sat there thinking about how just a couple of hours before, my only concern was movies and popcorn. How fourth grade was the hardest thing I could have imagined. Now my innocence began to slip away forever as I realized what pain really felt like. I had never realized bad things could happen to me. My life would never be the same, and it was all my fault.

They covered my mom and called for a coroner. The paramedics left, but the police stayed. A couple of them took Dad into the kitchen to talk to him, while Officer Braden sat on the floor next to me. He asked me stupid questions like if I was okay. As if there was any way to answer that other than no. He then asked if I understood what happened.

Mom took too much drugs because she wouldn’t listen to my dad and stop doing them. So, now, she is dead and never coming back.

I was angry about him asking me questions when I clearly didn’t want to talk. I think he realized that because after that question, he stopped talking. He just grabbed my hand and held it. I started crying on his arm when he did. I looked up at him after a few minutes and noticed that he was trying his hardest not to cry.

After a little while, a woman came to the door. She said she was Mrs. Stephanie from child services. I knew what Child Services was because they took my friend at school from his mom. She had gotten arrested for driving drunk with him in the car. So they said he had to live somewhere else for a year. Anyway, they’re automatically called when anything drug related happens in a home where a child lives, I guess. She asked Dad a lot of questions. He kept getting more and more upset, and I didn’t understand why. She asked things like if he was my father or if he was married to my mom.

It wasn’t until she asked him to pack me a bag that I realized what was happening. She was taking me away from my house. Away from the only father I have ever known. On the same day, I lost my mother. I started screaming at her with tears pouring down my face that I wasn’t going anywhere without my dad. He knelt down in front of me crying. He held me close, and he told me, Jack, we don’t have a choice, sweetie. I know you don’t understand right now, but I don’t have custody of you. And because you don’t have any other family, you have to go with her. Don’t worry, it won’t be for too long. I will fight every day to get you back here with me in our home. I won’t stop until I get you back. Okay, Princess? Can you be strong for me and go with her?

I didn’t think I had it in me to be strong. But I pretended I was for my dad. I hugged him tight and told him I would be strong and good. Mrs. Stephanie asked if she could use our phone. So, my dad showed her to it. Then he grabbed my hand, and we went to my bedroom so I could pick out my favorite clothes to pack. Mrs. Stephanie walked over to my bedroom door after her phone call and said they had nowhere to take me until the morning.

Dad and I had the night to spend together. But an officer had to stay the whole time. I guess they wanted to make sure my own father wouldn’t kidnap me. Because that makes any sense. Officer Braden was quick to speak up and say he volunteered. His eyes were still filled with tears. I didn’t see any fall out though. He was really good at holding it in.

It turns out this baby-faced officer was only twenty-three years old, and it was his first week on the job. I guess that’s partially why he took this so hard, the pain of a kid he didn’t know. He wasn’t jaded yet. My father and I both looked at each other and smiled. I jumped up off the floor where I had been sitting to pack and leaped into his arms as he sat on my bed. The mix of happy tears and sad tears was a confusing feeling for a nine-year-old. I was still so terrified and sad, but just for tonight, I knew I was staying with my dad. That was the only good thing I had heard in hours.

Mrs. Stephanie left and said she would be back around noon the next day. Dad called his boss and told him he wouldn’t be at work in the morning and why. Then he explained to Officer Braden, who at this point told us to call him Jordan, that every Friday we go rent movies. I wasn’t really in the mood for it. I could tell my dad wasn’t either. But I went along anyway. The three of us got into my dad’s truck, and we went to the video store. That day I got to pick two movies, as much candy as I wanted, and got a bucket of popcorn. When we got home, he also ordered pizza.

I didn’t realize at the time that he was trying to do whatever he could to make me not think about the fact my mom was gone forever. Or that I didn’t know what was going to happen to me. I thought it was weird that we were acting like nothing happened. I was confused by it but just kept going along. Even tried to act like everything was okay like my dad was doing. We used the pullout couch that night. He held me in his arms as we watched the movies I had picked and ate all the candy we could. That was the first time I had ever really been held. Other than when I was sick.

Officer Braden, I mean Jordan, had some pizza and candy, too, of course. He slept in the recliner that night in his uniform and everything. It couldn’t have been comfortable. I, however, was very comfortable as I fell asleep in my dad’s arms.

I woke up during the night, and Dad wasn’t lying with me anymore. Jordan wasn’t in the recliner either. I heard mumbling coming from the kitchen, so I got up to go see what they were doing. When I got close enough to hear what was being said, I could feel the pain in my dad’s voice. So, I hid behind the wall, peeked one eye around, and listened.

Jordan, you don’t understand. I have drug-related crimes on my record. I have been clean for three and a half years. I got clean for that little girl in there. But there is no way any judge will allow me to adopt her with my record and how her mom died. They will never believe I have been clean that long. Why would I be dating an addict in active addiction if I’m clean? That’s what they will wonder. I have been trying to help Caitlyn get clean for years. She managed to not use for six months two years ago. But she was so broken, she couldn’t stick with it. She tried and tried, but she couldn’t. I loved her anyways. I know you’re probably thinking I can’t be all that great of a guy if I was willing to stay with a woman who was on heroin. But she was the most beautiful person inside and out. And that little girl in there is my entire world. Even if Caitlyn would have ever changed or become someone other than the woman I fell for, I would have stayed for Jack. I know I can give her a better life than foster care can. I just don’t know how to prove that to a judge.

Jordan sat in the chair next to my father. I do not judge you for loving an addict or for being a recovering addict. What that tells me is you are a strong man who can get through anything, just like my father. My dad picked his head up and looked at Jordan.

Yeah, both my parents were addicts. My mother was an amazing woman, too, but broken, just like your Caitlyn. I know being an addict doesn’t make someone a bad person. My dad got clean for me after my mother committed suicide when I was twelve. I don’t know you well, but I want to help you get custody of her any way I can. I see how much you love each other. I see that you are what is best for her. But we have to come up with a plan. Starting tomorrow, you need to get drug tested at least every three days. So, you can prove you have not used. That is where we will start. I don’t know much about custody issues, so I will find a lawyer for you. So, you can figure out what else you need to do. I am also willing to be a character witness for you as well. We can make this happen.

I realized a few years later that Jordan’s past is why he became attached to me so easily. Why he became such a major part of my life. My dad stood up to hug and thank him. It looked kind of funny because Jordan was probably almost a foot shorter and at least sixty to seventy pounds lighter than my dad. It looked like Dad could have lifted Jordan straight off his feet and just tossed him across the room like he was a rag doll. When Dad let him go, Jordan spotted me and pointed. My dad wiped tears from his face, turned around, picked me up, and we went back to sleep.

I woke up at around nine thirty in the morning still tucked tightly under my dad’s arm. So, I was kind of confused for a moment as to why I smelled bacon. Then remembered Jordan was there. I struggled to lift my dad’s giant arm off me without waking him up, but I managed it. I stumbled to the kitchen, yawning and rubbing my eyes. Good morning, Jack, Jordan said as he was putting pancakes on a plate. I went to the store real fast so I could make you guys breakfast. I hope you like pancakes and bacon. I cracked the best smile I could and thanked him.

I sat down to eat but knew Mrs. Stephanie would be back soon to take me. So, it was pretty hard to be happy about my bacon smiley face pancake. Dad woke up and came into the kitchen just as I started eating. He thanked Jordan as well, and we all sat and ate breakfast together in silence. After that, we finished packing my bag, and I sat on Dad’s lap as we watched TV, waiting for Mrs. Stephanie to come take me away.

Chapter 2

She arrived just after noon. She said I would be moving in with a couple that lived just on the other side of my school. So, not only did I not have to switch schools while custody was being figured out, but also, my dad would only be a few blocks away from me. That was about the best news we could have hoped for. My dad and I said our goodbyes. I waved to Jordan, and I got in the back seat of Mrs. Stephanie’s car.

It was a short drive, just a couple of minutes. But it felt like I was a world away from my norm. As we walked up to the porch, a woman opened the door with a smile and welcomed us. Then her husband came up behind her with an even bigger smile on his face. They were Quinn and Naomi Madison, my new foster parents. They taught me quite a bit about smiles. Such as sometimes, they don’t mean shit. They were the first people to teach me that being able to read someone’s body language is far more important than listening to anything they say. Or caring that they have a stupid smile on their face. They were awful.

For the first three months I was with them, they weren’t that bad. They were far from nice though. I had to sit in my room alone most of the time I was home. I rented books from the school library every day because I wasn’t allowed to watch TV with them. Or even really be around them at all. They preferred to not see or acknowledge me. Also they never helped me with my homework. Although, they probably wouldn’t have known how to even if they had cared to try. They were just dumb, ugly, drunk, vile people.

Naomi looked as if she could have been pretty in the face at one point. Years ago, before cigarettes, alcohol, and whatever drugs she had tricked her doctor into giving her absolutely destroyed her. She had thin, stringy, greasy cheap-box dyed black hair with gray roots. She looked like she weighed about ninety pounds soaking wet. Even though she was at least five feet, eight inches. I may be exaggerating, but you get my point. At least she had all of her yellow teeth.

Quinn was missing probably half of his teeth, along with half his hair. The teeth he did have left were rotting. So, his breath always smelled like death. Add onto that his strong body odor and the stench of cigarettes, and it’s hard to understand how Naomi or anyone could stand being near him. I held my breath anytime I had to walk by him. He was also about fifty pounds overweight, and it was all in his stomach pretty much.

The worst part about them was they didn’t want me seeing or talking to my dad. They would tell me he didn’t care about me or love me. That he just pretended to love me because he felt bad for me since I had no real parents. I cried myself to sleep every night. I was never going to see my mom again. Now these people wouldn’t let me see my dad.

If he came by the house while I was there, Naomi would hold her hand over my mouth and squeeze me tight in my bedroom. So, I couldn’t yell for him or try to run to him. I could always hear Quinn telling him I was out with Naomi and that he should call first next time.

Each time I heard the frustration in my dad’s voice get worse and worse. I know that he knew he was being lied to. Because every time before he would leave, he yelled, I love you, Jack, always remember that, baby girl. I started to feel like if he really loved me, he would try harder to get in the house. He knew I was in there, but he didn’t try to get past Quinn. I was too young and angry to understand that would have been a home invasion.

He still had no custody, and his visitation was for some reason dependent on if Naomi and Quinn agreed. But Jordan, he was a police officer. He could demand to speak with me. He probably wasn’t supposed to threaten them with arrest if they didn’t let him see me, but it worked. They were constantly high and drunk. They knew he could find a reason to arrest them if he wanted. He asked me how I was doing. With Naomi and Quinn standing right there, I didn’t want to upset them and be in trouble later. So, I just told him I read a lot and that Naomi was a good cook, but I really miss Daddy and wish I could see him. Jordan let me know my dad had a court date the following week and that they will know if I can go home with him then but not to get my hopes up just yet.

He looked up at Naomi and Quinn and said, Carson is an amazing father and a friend of mine. Next time he comes by, let him see his daughter. Or I will be back with him. Do you understand me? They both agreed and insisted they weren’t trying to keep him from me. Jordan gave them an Mm-hmm then got in his car and left.

When we got back into the house, Quinn grabbed me by my shoulders and bent down to yell directly in my face.

"You stupid little shit. How many times do we have to tell you that you won’t be