Faith: Hades Angels

By Elizabeth Hayes

NEWLY EDITED + NEW CONTENT!

When I was diagnosed with breast cancer my life changed in an instant. My once clear path was now going 100 miles an hour into the pitch black unknown. I couldn't stop nor change it. I was in the driver seat, yet I couldn't steer back on course. My life was never going to be the same. I lost friends and refused to make new ones. I refused to let anyone in.

I lived an empty void of existence.

The day the doctor muttered the word remission my path changed yet again. I knew, however, at any moment it could change back. I needed to find myself and purpose in life.

One day it all changed. I found myself in a place most would look down on. A place where I wasn't pitied or treated like a piece of glass. It's was where I met him. Where I would find myself. This is my story and how I became Faith. 

• Language: English
• Publisher: Elizabeth Hayes
• Release date: Sep 26, 2018
• ISBN: 9781386605423

Book preview

Faith

Hades Angels Book One

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Elizabeth Hayes

Table Of Contents

Copyright

Dedication

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Chapter Six

Chapter Seven

Chapter Eight

Chapter Nine

Chapter Ten

Chapter Eleven

Chapter Twelve

Chapter Thirteen

Chapter Fourteen

Chapter Fifteen

Chapter Sixteen

Chapter Seventeen

Chapter Eighteen

Chapter Nineteen

Chapter twenty

Chapter Twenty-One

Chapter Twenty-Two

Chapter Twenty-Three

Chapter Twenty-Four

Chapter Twenty-Five

Chapter Twenty-Six

Chapter Twenty-Seven

Chapter Twenty-Eight

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Chapter Thirty

Acknowledgments

Coming Soon

About The Author

Also By the Author

Copyright 2018 Elizabeth Hayes

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Cover Design by Shari Ryan

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This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, brands, media, and incidents are either the product of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to similarly named places or to persons living or deceased is unintentional.

Dedication

For everyone who lost someone, and had to learn how to live without them.

For my mom who left this world way too young due to pancreatic cancer.

For everyone who is fighting for their lives at this very moment.

Chapter One

I remember sitting in the leather chair across from the doctor, my mother sitting next to me with a death grip on my hand. I looked down at where her hand held mine watching the color fade from beige to white as she squeezed tighter. So many times I sat in this very chair only to get my hopes shot down. I had received so much bad news in the past two years that I have given up. On the ride over, I sat in the passenger seat next to my mother who was going on and on about how it would be different this time. This time I would get the news we were hoping for. I didn’t have the heart to tell her how I was feeling. I let her hope for the best when in reality I was just hoping to get this visit out of the way and move on to the next set of treatments. I didn’t even want to be here. My last round of test result that he could have just mailed to me, where I could be alone when I read the results. Instead he insisted that we come in. So there I sat in an uncomfortable chair staring at the doctor who was in charge of my treatment plan, waiting for him to drop yet another bomb.

I spaced out as he started talking about everything we had already done. I lived it, there was no reason to remind me. I remembered like it was yesterday when the words Breast Cancer were said out loud. I had no interest in hearing about the combinations of chemo and surgeries that I had already gone through. I was more concerned about what came next. What treatments we hadn’t tried yet. When I felt my mother gripping my hand and heard her let out a small cry, I finally tuned back in. This was it, we would discuss the next set of treatments.

Are you sure? My mother choked out.

Yes, as of right now there are no signs of cancer present.

I turned and looked at the doctor in disbelief.

Excuse me, what did you say? I asked him.

Laura, I can finally say that you appear to be cancer free. As of right now, you are in remission. We will still keep a close watch over the next couple of years to make sure the cancer has not returned but for today you are free.

I sat there stunned in complete disbelief of what I had just heard, not really comprehending what he had said. I leaned back in the chair and closed my eyes, letting the news sink in. I was free of the chains that had kept me from living.

I had already undergone a double mastectomy with reconstruction. My body is no longer the same. I can’t even look at my naked body in the mirror and feel like I once did. My soft breasts were replaced with a hard, silicone bag of saline. The worst part, my nipples are gone. I no longer felt comfortable naked, or in a bathing suit. It’s the little things everyone wishes they could control, their nipples - hardening at the wrong time, double-checking your bikini top in the pool to make sure your nipples are covered. No longer did I have to worry about tight fitting sweaters or shirts when it was cold. I wouldn’t have that problem.

I was in a complete daze as we left the doctor’s office that day. On the drive home, my mother was overjoyed and crying, saying how it was a miracle and that she knew it was finally over. I would be able to live the life she had always dreamed for me. Yet I didn’t know how to feel. I was happy, relieved, and I wanted to scream. At the same time I was full of negative thoughts, wondering how I was ever going to live a normal life with all the surgeries and chemo I had gone through. I was deformed. I would never have kids. I was destined to live out my life in worry and loneliness. How could I open myself up and let anyone in? I would constantly think about what would happen if the cancer came back, and if it was to come back, maybe somewhere that wasn’t as treatable. Could I bring myself to let someone in and love me only to tear their heart out and leave them? It was bad enough I knew the possibilities, but I wasn’t sure I could impose that on someone else. The doctor was wrong; I wasn’t free, I never would be. Cancer was a life sentence without parole. I would never truly be free. Never knowing when it would decide to deliver the final blow. It would forever be there in the back of my mind. 

Laura are you sure you don’t want to celebrate? My mom pleaded with me as we sat in the parking lot of my apartment building.

I’m sure. I really just want to relax and let it all sink in. Maybe next week we can all go out for dinner.

Okay but I really wish you would at least come home with me tonight.

I can’t mom, I have a few assignments I need to finish, and I really just want to be alone to wrap my head around it all.

Fine but you’re not getting out of dinner with your father and I.

I nodded in agreement.

I love you Laura.

Love you too mom. I exited the car and made my way up to my apartment.

I spent the rest of the day in a state of bewilderment. My mother wanted to celebrate; I wasn’t in the mood.  I know that after getting such great news I should have wanted to go out and scream it from the rooftops. That just wasn’t my style. I wanted to go back to my apartment, take a long hot bath, and try to wrap my head around it all. For such a long time my life revolved around doctor visits, trips to the hospital, chemo, and spending a lot of time trying to get to the bathroom before I got sick. I didn’t know how to live a so-called normal life. I laughed to myself. Normal life. I would never have a normal life. I was lucky to have my own apartment. A bit of freedom from my over protective parents who would much rather have me living with them along with around the clock care.

My mother and father both called throughout the day to check on me. I was fine. For once I was okay. I didn’t want to tell them I was still worried or they would drive straight over and want to sit with me. Just last week we went out to dinner for my 21st birthday. While most people my age took advantage of finally being able to drink alcohol, I was sitting in the restaurant with my parents worried about my next appointment while they continued to ask me every five seconds how I was. I sat there and picked at my food, wishing I was one of those girls just for a day. Just for one day, celebrating finally being able to drink, dancing the night away with my closest friends. Although, it only reminded me that I didn’t have anyone to spend it with. 

I have made so many changes because my life decided to jump tracks in the middle of the night, taking on a different path. I still haven’t figured out where this one is taking me, I just know it isn’t the one I planned for.

And I did have big plans growing up, the same plans almost all little girls have. Meet a guy that sweeps you off your feet then fall madly and hopelessly in love with him, finish college, get a great job, and marry that man of your dreams. Have a big family with at least three kids and the house with the white picket fence, none of those in any particular order but all ending up the same; happily married with a great job and children. Unfortunately, my track has taken me on an unwanted journey. The meet a great guy thing - I gave up on that dream. The kids - that won’t happen, not anymore. I have had enough poison pumped through my veins that it’s pretty much a lost cause to even hope or think about it.

This path I am on has taken my fantasy and turned it into a harsh reality and caused more pain and loss than I ever thought I would have to deal with in my life. I am now left with a reality I hadn’t expected and try to plan a new future, knowing even that is not guaranteed. I have watched so many people come and go. Those people you meet in chemo, going through similar things, you become friends and then they just stop showing up. Gone as though they never existed, except their disappearance forces you to think about your own mortality. I learned after the first few times that it’s better just to assume they are in remission. It’s a great thing to think about, remission, but the chance of that happening and staying true are just not as great as one would hope.

Being in remission myself is a happy yet depressing feeling. I am happy that I am healthy for once, strong enough to finally get out there and live, but at the same time I am quick to jump on any little thing out of the ordinary. If I get a cold or a fever, I overreact and start wondering if it’s back. I am still held down by my cancer. It’s like a huge storm cloud that follows you around and hangs over your head. Every moment in my life is overshadowed by it.

Thinking back about how I was just a few years ago. Seeing how just one word spoken to me had made my world explode. I lied to myself and tried to stay focused, but as realization hit me I was completely lost. My life had been taken over, I was no longer free to make my own choice’s and I jumped around so much that I lost track of everything and everyone around me. Life had played the ultimate trick on me and robbed me of so much more than I had realized. The scales were unbalanced, with me losing more than I gained, and as much as I try to reclaim what was taken from me, the more I realized it would never be like it was before. I needed to let go of the happily ever after I clung to before and find a new one, based on my reality of today. The few people around me wanted to forget the cancer, to move on like everything is over, but unless you are living under that dark cloud that shadows your every move, there is no way for them to understand. Yet another thing to make me aware of just how alone I really am.

I went to school during the day, taking just enough general education classes to be considered full-time. I didn’t know where my life was headed and didn’t know how much time I really had. I sat at my computer looking through the wanted ads, trying to find something that would take my mind off things. Maybe what I needed was a part-time job so that I