WTF! The Chase

By Marc Longcor

Buckle up, people! 13 has disappeared with the doc, and the only sorry sumbitches who can do anything are Stone, Jack, Kate, and Stacy. The gang teams up with Hightower and a cocaine-addicted alien named Frost. Time travel seems all fun and games until shit goes wrong, and like everything with the gang, it does. Time travel, pirates, Nazis, Viking werewolves, giant bears, giant man-eating plants, raptors, more Alien 13 monsters, alien gods, a dark, ancient evil, Amelia Earhart, Elvis, and an alternate universe—nothing seems to go right for Stone and the gang. The stakes seem to add up, and with stakes so high, it’s best to be killing in a kilt!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Page Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: Jan 21, 2022
• ISBN: 9781662457517

Book preview

Dr. Pantera

Bright light burns my eyes, making it hard to see where I am at on top of trying to figure out what had just happened. One minute I’m standing in a parking lot, watching everyone come back from fighting all the monsters I created, and now I’m here, wherever here is. Everything is still blurry and bright. I can hear waves crashing on a coast nearby. The sound of all kinds of wildlife fill the air, along with crashing waves. The ground I stand on now feels like sand from the fact that I sink a little with each movement and step I muster to take.

I keep opening my eyes little by little, letting in more light each time to adjust my eyes. While I keep trying to adjust my eyes, I hear the sound of something very big moving around me in the distance, something breathing heavily as it moves. I turn to follow the sound as I open my eyes to see green. I’m facing toward jungle as shade reaches out, and I can see easier now.

Among the green, I see 13 standing in front of me, looking into the vegetation as if he’s ready for a fight. I can hear plants moving as something walks through them. The breathing gets louder and heavier. Something big is stalking us. Whatever it is, it has just picked up speed and is now running toward us. I try to turn and run, but my body and mind are disconnected from each other. I am just standing here, watching what is coming at us.

13 takes a wide stance and braces for impact, ready for a fight, as a giant bear comes running out to us. I watch 13 take the first hit from the bear, wrapping his long arms around the bear and rolling it and himself onto the ground. 13 opens his mouth wide and bites down onto the bear’s shoulder, and it lets out a loud roar, then bites back and swings its big arms across 13, knocking him off top of him.

The bear rolls over onto its feet and dives at 13 while he is still on the ground. The bear bites down on 13’s shoulder and starts shaking him back and forth. 13 lets out a high-pitched scream and reaches behind him, grabbing the bear around its head and neck, rolling his body around to toss the bear over, releasing the bear’s bite on him. Then the bear spins around, facing 13. They are both on their feet now, circling each other, waiting for one of them to attack first.

13 lunges at the giant bear, swinging his long arm at the massive beast’s face, giving it a gash across its face but only angering it more. The bear lunges back, lowering its head and then throwing it up fast and strong, knocking 13 down on his back. The bear goes on the attack, biting and clawing, swinging one arm, then the other, mixing between them and biting. 13 is doing all he can to fight off the giant bear, clawing his way out from under the beast. Blood covers both of them and the ground around them. I’m still frozen like a tree in the ground, unable to move, unable to speak.

13 is still on his back with the giant bear on top of him. He takes both hands and grabs the bear by the jaws and starts to pull them apart with all he has left. The giant bear starts to back away in panic, shaking his head and body to loosen 13’s grip on his jaws. 13 works his way up to his feet, still holding on to the bear’s jaws, widening them more and more until the bear’s jaws snap open. He rips open the bear’s head, killing it.

13 stands over the dead bear for a few moments, looking down at it before turning to me. He starts to walk my way but only manages to take a few steps until he falls to his knees, then onto his face. I am just standing here, still in shock from what I just witnessed. I am standing here, looking around. The dead giant bear on the ground a few feet away from Alien 13, I don’t know if he is alive or dead.

A few minutes pass by, which seem like hours. I finally get my body and mind to work as one, and I run over to 13’s body to check on him. I roll him over onto his back and feel his chest rise as he breathes. I search for pulses and check his wounds. He’s still alive. I look up from 13 to take in my surroundings. This place has a tropical feel to it, so I think that we’re on an island somewhere. I have no idea what to do. I’ve spent my whole life in a lab. I don’t know what to do in this environment.

I keep looking around, thinking of what to do. 13 just put his life on the line to protect me, and now he may die for it. I reach down to pick him up. He’s heavy, way too heavy for me to pick up, so I pick up his arms to try and drag him off the beach and into the shade of the jungle. I pull with all I have, but I can’t muster to budge him one inch. I want to get him off the beach and hide him until he comes to so he can move himself and take care of himself. With him down like this, I fear that something will come along and eat him. With a dead giant bear close by, 13 looks to be a snack and more food for whatever comes along.

I start walking around, looking for anything to use to cover 13’s body up to try and hide him from predators that will come by. I start to pick up palm leaves to cover him up. The sun is beating down on me, burning. Oh yeah, this is a tropical island indeed. My shirt and pants are soaked in sweat. I cover 13 up with all I can find to pick up and use. I walk back out of the beach and under a palm tree and sit down in the shade. I look out over the sandy beach and into the ocean and see another shade of blue coming off the ocean but not blending in with the sky. I move my head side to side to catch different viewpoints from sunlight. It looks to be some sort of field that comes down from above, meeting the ocean just off the beach.

I stand up and walk closer to the field off the beach. I can see a thick blue field that stretches as far as the eye can see up and follows the coast down the island along the beach. I look down and see a seashell and pick it up and toss it into the field to see what happens. The seashell just turns into ash. I turn around and look inland and up into the sky to see if there is anything I can see. I can’t see past the tall palm trees and green vegetation. I walk back off the beach, out of the sun, and sit back down under my palm tree.

The sun doesn’t seem to be going down. I think it’s time to get up and maybe move inland more to see if I can find some kind of life other than maybe animals. It’s been hours, I believe, and there is still no movement from 13. I think he is dead now. I turn to face inland and start walking. What happened that got me here, and where is here? I remember the parking lot, seeing everyone, then 13 wrapping his arms around me as a flash of light came over me, blinding me. Then next thing I know, I’m on this island. There’s so much to figure out.

It’s difficult to walk through this jungle, and with every step I take, I watch to see if there is something to step on that will hurt or be deadly. I look up, I look down, and I look side to side. It feels like I’ve been walking for days, but I know deep down, it’s only been hours, I think. The sun still hasn’t moved one bit the whole time I’ve been here.

I stop ever so often to take a look and listen for anything around me. The farther I go inland, the more I hear and the louder the noise of the hum of different animals is. This island is teeming with life. I think that’s a good sign. I have no idea how to hunt and trap, not even fish. I don’t know what is safe or what is dangerous. I keep moving forward, as forward as I can. I move between trees and plants, trying to find the easiest path through this thick jungle.

I stop to rest on another palm tree, leaning up against it, soaked with sweat from head to toe. I start thinking about taking off my shirt, but before I do, I hear a familiar sound from before—heavy breathing and movement. Whatever it is, it’s getting closer, and fast. I start to move again at a faster pace than before, trying to stay as quiet as possible. It seems the faster I move, the faster whatever is behind me moves too.

After a few moments of fast-paced moving, I hear a loud roar come from behind me. Something big and heavy comes crashing through the trees and brush, breathing heavier. I take off running as fast as I can through this jungle. Before I think I can get away from whatever is after me, I come to a cliff. I look out from the cliff to see a vast open area of green fields of grass, boats, planes, and cars, like an overgrown junkyard that takes anything in. Before I can get a good look at everything, I remember that something big is after me.

I turn to find myself face-to-face with another giant bear. I just stare, frozen in place, looking at this massive beast. This bear is not like what I know. This bear has a short face and just on all four legs. It is massive, much taller and wider than a normal bear. Then the bear stands up on its back legs, towering over me. I look up as if I’m looking straight up into the sky over me.

Just when I think this massive beast is going to come down on top of me and have me for dinner, a spear comes flying in fast, hitting the beast in the side. The giant bear comes back down on all four legs and turns to where the spear came from. Soon, the bear and I are surrounded by people, all different kinds of people—some who look to have been on this island a long time and some not as long as the others next to them.

One of the men in the group runs up to the bear, trying to blindside it to pierce its side. The bear doesn’t want to have any part in that and spins around, swinging its large arm at the man, knocking him down and then slashing down at him. His claws goes in deep and from shoulder to hip. The man screams a loud, bloody death of a scream. Blood flows freely from his new wounds, and it isn’t long before the man is dead under the giant bear.

While the bear is looking down at his kill, five other men with long spears rush toward the giant bear. The bear, overwhelmed with all the men rushing to him, can’t decide who to fend off first. All five spears pierce the bear’s skin, and it gives out a loud, thunderous roar. Others with bows and arrows release their arrows to hit their massive target in the giant bear’s side. Arrow after arrow and spear after spear, the bear finally goes down. The bear is breathing heavily and fast as it takes in its last breaths before one of the island natives walks out from the group of people and takes her spear and thrusts it into the bear’s chest, finishing the kill.

This redhead is wearing what looks to be a flight jumpsuit with the legs and arms cut off. I watch her give orders to the rest of the people in the group to harvest the giant bear for meat and hide. These people go on with their jobs like I am not even here until the redhead turns around.

Why, hello there, new face. Are you all right? she asks.

Um, yes, I seem to be okay, just tired and thirsty, I reply with a dry throat.

Here, drink some water, she says, handing me a canteen.

Thank you, I say back, taking the canteen and drinking all I can.

Where did you land? Most people land in the green zone down there.

On the beach, back that way, I think.

Beach, huh? That’s a new spot for people to come in at.

Who are you? These people? Where are we at? What island are we on? I ask question after question.

Well, I’m Amelia Earhart, and all these people are from all over the world and from different times. And this island is somewhere but also nowhere. The one that did know escaped off the island a long time ago and hasn’t come back.

What? Like, the Amelia Earhart? I ask, stunned over the name she gave.

Yes, sir. And who may you be?

Yes, I’m Dr. Rome Pantera.

Oh, another doctor. We have many here. Are you a medical doctor or some other kind of doctor?

I’m a doctor in many different fields.

Okay. Well, I’m sure you’ll find yourself in our doctor building soon enough with all the other doctors, talking about things I have no clue about.

How many people are here?

Honestly, it’s hard to keep track. We have so many that show up randomly and so many that die from the island or on their landing or from hunting or fighting with the other people on the island, Amelia answers.

Other people?

"Over the years, the island has collected a lot of people from different times and places. When we get you back to camp, the other doctors can fill you in on it. All I know is, when I ended up here, there was only me and one other who created this place. And over time, we built a small village that has grown into more now. There are different groups throughout the town.

"One area I think you’ll like will be the science village. It’s where we put all the doctors. There’s a military side we call the base where we put soldiers in, and they do most of the protection and hunting for us. Then we have just regular people spread throughout the camp. Outside of our town is a small village of Viking women that just want to be left alone. We still work with them from time to time to ask for help in survival or blacksmithing.

Across the island, you’ll find other people that don’t work well with others. They kill or steal and are just plain evil, and we try to keep them out and away, so we never go anywhere unless in a group. There are cavemen, pirates, and Nazis on top of giant bears, giant birds, giant snakes, some dinosaurs, and more that we still haven’t come across, Amelia says, going on about the island.

I have so many questions, but I think I will just go with you and take all this in and meet everyone as I go, I reply.

That’s the spirit, Doctor.

Amelia, we’re finished here and can’t carry any more, one of the other men in her group says.

All right. It’s time to head back anyway and show our new island member around.

Amelia waves her hand at me to follow her as I stand here watching others just start walking by with blood-soaked packs and furs rolled up and tied to them. I follow the group along the cliffside for what seems like miles. From the cliff overlooking what they call the green zone, I can see planes, ships, and cars, hundreds and hundreds more just crashed or placed in no particular order. Far in the distance, I see a dark-blue light beaming up into the sky that hits what looks to be the top of a dome. Just more questions for me to ask later. What is this place? Where am I? How can all these people be here from different time periods? How can any of this exist, and how is it that no one is old here or looks old or looks to be aging at all?

We make it down the cliff and are now walking through the green zone. I’m just in shock and amazed by all the different ships and planes from different times. I keep stopping to gaze upon the ships and take in the history. I so want to climb aboard and look around. Each time I stop, I am urged to keep moving with the group. I’m sure I will have time to come back and take a look around. I don’t see myself getting off this island anytime soon.

I follow the group through the green zone, and I can see smoke rising from the treetops up ahead. The group changes direction, as if they’re going around what is up ahead of us. As we make our way around, I look through the trees to see a camp of women, but they are not your average women. These women seem to be more hardened, warrior-like even. They aren’t wearing much for clothing, just enough to cover themselves up. One of the members of the group taps my shoulder and tells me that is the Viking camp and that I should stay clear of it unless I’m with Amelia.

I don’t bother to ask why right now. There is so much going on that I’m just soaking it all in and trying to wrap my head around it all. Part of me is excited to meet other doctors to be able to talk on my level of understanding to ask what I need to, to understand what is going on here. Maybe through my outsider perspective on this island, I can find a way to get off it. I start to wonder about the Nazis Amelia mentioned earlier. I think back on my days with my father and other members of his science team back in the war. I remember that my father had units going out and looking for artifacts and other mysterious things that could help win the war for Germany. Maybe I can venture out and find that unit and see who’s in charge.

We finally make it to the town or city or whatever they call this place. It is a good-size place and looks as if it has been here for a long time and as if they keep expanding it. As we are walking in, I see a group of people cutting down trees and clearing the ground out as others are shaping and carving wood. Others are marking out what look to be building sites. Everyone has a job, and all are working toward a common goal. It reminds me of ant colonies or a beehive.

The farther into town you go, the older the buildings and the building styles are. Truly, it looks like you are walking through time itself. The group starts to break apart, as people start to go their own way to do what needs to be done. Amelia stays by my side and leads me to a big building that looks to be made from old ships.

Well, Doc, this is you. Just go on in and introduce yourself, and everyone else will just start talking to you. They’re a talkative bunch. They’ll fill you in on what’s what and make sure you are taken care of. I’ll see you later at dinner, Amelia says, then she turns around and walks away.

I watch her walk away into the town, leaving me at the front door of this building that looks to be built from old ships with windmills towering over it in the back. I reach down and pull on the door handle, opening it slowly and walking in just as slow. Inside, there is power, and lights with power cords are going out a window to what looks like batteries stacked up. There are some lab equipment that look to be pieced together. Everyone inside stops what they are doing to turn and look at me. Then one by one, they start to approach me and introduce themselves to me. I can’t keep track of or remember their names. I just shake hands and nod my head and repeat Hello! and Doctor.

After all the greetings, one doctor comes up to me and lets me know that he’s the lead doctor here. He starts to fill me in on the town and the workload and more. I’m taking in so much information that I don’t think I will be able to remember it all. Then he says, Follow me. He takes me to a room and says I can have it and welcomes me to the town, and then he says that he will leave me be for now to let all this soak in and for me to settle in. He also tells me to ask for anything I may need, then he turns around and leaves me in my new room.

The room is a decent-sized room with everything built from wood from old ships with beds from cruise liners that have crashed here. Everything here has been taken from what shows up and from what can be salvaged. It is quite amazing how they have repurposed everything they have found.

Stone

I wake up to Jack yelling at some poor asshole about taking it easy with something. My head is killing me from drinking the last few days, waiting for Hightower to get back from wherever he took off to, to figure out where the doc and 13 have disappeared to. The room isn’t spinning as bad as it was when I got here, whenever that was, but Jack’s yelling isn’t helping with whatever the girls are playing down the hall in the kitchen, clinking pans, cooking. The smell of bacon, eggs, and pancakes fill the place.

I roll over to sit up, knocking empty beer cans off the bed to the floor, hitting other empty beer cans already on the floor. I kick them out of the way to make room for my feet to touch the floor. I feel the shift in my head and get dizzy, and my vision goes blurry for a second. I sit as still as possible, trying to stop the room from spinning. Jack is yelling about a head, and the girls are singing now to some song I can’t quite make out yet ’cause my hearing hasn’t fully come back to me yet. I start to feel myself swaying side to side on the bed. This is gonna be a long day.

I stand up, and as soon as I’m up, I go right back down. My body and my thoughts are still not on the same page with all the blood in my alcohol, or is it alcohol in my blood? Either way, I’m a fucking mess right now. I sit still longer on the edge of my bed, listening to Jack still yelling. He’s a ball of fire today over something. The girls in the kitchen seem to be in high spirits as well, as laughs echo down the hallway and into my bedroom through the closed door.

I close my eyes to combat the headache that is starting to pound away inside. I open my eyes to look around, feeling lost in my own room, thinking what to do first. I look over to my chair and see my kilt. I should start there. I look over on the table by the bed. It has an untouched six-pack sitting on it. Oh, hello, ladies. I reach over and pull one out of the ring pack and pop the top and take a long drink. It’s times like this, I think, What would Jack do in my spot? He would keep drinking.

I finish the beer with another long pull, and the headache starts to go away, and my buzz starts to come back, putting me back in that good spot. I stand up, a little unbalanced, but I’m able to get all the way up this time. I shuffle through the beer cans on the floor to my chair and grab my kilt. There’s no need to take anything off ’cause I’m already naked, so I just wrap my kilt around and fit it to me. Step one, done. I lean over and reach for another beer, ripping it out of the pack ring and popping it open and taking a long pull. I just end up finishing it.

Standing here just in my kilt, I hear Jack yell something again, and I move over to the window and open it. I pop my head out to find Jack just below, giving orders to people who are backing a semitruck and trailer down the alley.

Jack, shut the fuck up. There are still people trying to sleep here.

It’s time to get up anyway, you lazy bastard.

Oh yeah? Is this lazy, you old fucker? I say, throwing a beer at his head, but he catches it, lifts it up in a salute, opens it, and downs it all as he flips me off.

You’re going to have to do better than that, son.

How is it that you can do that? I ask in amazement of this old man.

It’s all in the reflexes, Jack replies calmly with a faint smile.

I pull my head back inside and take a step back, tripping on all the beer cans on the floor and falling backward on my back. Lying here, looking up at the celling, I should stop drinking, but I know that won’t happen. I roll over and use my bed to lift myself up and sit back down on it. I sit silent, just sitting, nothing on my mind, just the sound of Jack yelling and the girls singing. I really need to get up and get ready for this day.

I stand up and walk over to the dresser. On top is a blue shirt with white letters, and when I read what it says, it gives me a chuckle. It’s a Fucking Kilt, the shirt reads in bold white letters. I guess the girls got it for me some time in the last few days. Where they got it, I don’t know ’cause Palm City is destroyed, and the government took it off the map, cooking up a hella good story for the people to eat up, and they are now just tearing down everything to make farmland for some overpaid government dipshits. It pays to know people in high places, I guess, or be the people in high places.

I put on the shirt and tuck it in my kilt and pull a pair of socks out of the dresser and put them on, followed by putting on my boots. I open my door, and the smell of food hits me hard. It smells so damn good. Those girls can cook. I wonder how much they’ve cooked up thinking that there aren’t a lot to feed around here anymore, as most everyone has died or left to go help clean up in the city.

I walk to the doorway and just stand in it, watching the girls dance, sing, and cook like no one is watching. They’re both in tall socks that go up to their thighs and a T-shirt that meets the socks. Stacy is stirring gravy for biscuits, which are on the table already, and Kate is making OJ by the sink and shaking her ass to Shania Twain’s I Feel Like a Woman. Both have no clue that I’m right here.

Bang! The apartment door comes crashing open, and Jack busts in loud and full of energy, scaring the shit out of me and the girls. They yell out, Holy hell! Motherfucker! They throw a pan at me, almost hitting me in the head, but lucky for me, they miss.

Stone, my boy, you’re up and moving. How the hell are you doing? Jack yells down the hallway.

Fuck, Jack, you’re all fired up today.

Yes, I am. I got Old Girl and your truck out back and safe, along with my trophy head from that Dozer that dented Old Girl.

What? You actually went back for that damn head?

Yes, I did. I told you I would. And I got some news also.

What news?

Hightower is on his way back.

Does he know what’s going on with the doctor and 13?

The hell if I know, boy. Mac just told me that Hightower is on his way back.

Jack, Stone, get in here and eat, Stacy yells.

I turn and look into the kitchen at Stacy and Kate, then back at Jack and nod my head to him to come and eat. We all take our seats around the table and start to load our plates with food—bacon, pancakes, eggs, biscuits, and gravy with OJ to wash it all down with. If only I have some rum to put in this OJ, this could be perfect. Then I see Jack pull out a bottle of rum out of the cabinet and pour some into his glass of OJ, and then he looks at me. I nod for the bottle to come my way to do the same.

What the hell do you two think you’re doing? Kate says in a mom’s voice to her kids.

What? Jack and I say at the same time, looking at her like nothing is wrong with this picture.

It’s only nine in the damn morning, you two, she replies, looking at us with disapproval for our choices.

When do you think Hightower will be here? I ask Jack, getting the focus back on that and not on us drinking.

I don’t know. Soon, today, tomorrow, three days from now, next week, month, year.

Well, if Mac told you just before you came inside, then he should be on his way, Stacy says, eating bacon in the most beautiful way ever.

Then I guess we should get ready for what he has for us, Jack says, looking around at us all.

Why is it we have to deal with this shitstorm?

Because he lost all his men, and Mac doesn’t have enough to spare to help out.

Couldn’t he just get a new team? Stacy asks.

Why? We already know what we’re dealing with.

True.

Let’s finish eating and get ready, Kate says.

We continue to eat and carry on. The day’s sun shines through the kitchen window, giving light, and we all start to perk up more when the sound of a helicopter rumbles over the salon. We look at one another knowing who it is. We finish our food and take off in different directions to get ready.

I walk back to my room to my chair and pick up Bridget, putting her on my back, then pick up my holster with the twins in it, putting it on, fitting the twins in the small of my back. I reach back down, picking up my ammo pouch for them and my little med kit on the other side in case I fuck myself up again.

I grab the last three beers in the six-pack, pulling one out and opening it, drinking it as I walk back into the hallway. I see Kate and Stacy walking down from the bathroom toward me. Both have on black yoga pants that look to be painted on. They’re so tight. Bless their hearts. Kate is wearing a blue shirt with letters on it that say, Eyes up here, with an arrow pointing up toward her face. Stacy has on one of her Star Wars shirts with Han Solo and Chewie on it, tied up in a knot just over her belly button. Both have on running shoes.

Kate has her dad’s billy club tied to her back, but it’s not a regular club you normally see. It’s oddly shaped and not straight, but knowing that her dad carved it in the jungles of Vietnam, he used what he had available. She also has her Desert Eagle in a thigh holster and a belt with extra mags in it along with MP5 mags. I think her MP5 must be in the backpack she has in her hand. Stacy has a 9 mm in a thigh holster with her tomahawks on her hips and a backpack with God knows what in it. Jack comes walking out with a duffel bag, and I toss him a beer. He opens it with one hand after catching it.

We all make our way downstairs to be met by Hightower in the office. He’s sitting behind my desk, waiting for us. I finish my beer and toss the can and ring into the trash and walk over to the fridge and grab two more beers. Turning and looking at Jack, I nod for him to be ready to catch it. As I toss it to him, Kate intercepts it and opens it, downing it all in front of us, then crushing the can and tossing it into the trash.

Pussy, she says to me.

Bitch, I reply, grabbing another beer and tossing it to Jack, but Stacy walks into it, taking the hit in the left tit.

Hey, asshole, that hurt, she says, rubbing her tit and taking a seat next to Kate on the couch. Jack picks up the beer, pops it open, and starts drinking it fast, not spilling a drop on the floor, then leaning against the doorway.

Okay, okay, you all are a mess, but you’re all I got, Hightower says, looking at the shit show that is us.

Thanks, Dad, Stacy says, looking at Hightower.

Before you left, you said you knew where they went and just took off for days with no word, so what do you have for us? I ask Hightower.

Yes, we found out where and when 13 took Dr. Pantera, Hightower says, completely confusing the hell out of us.

What do you mean by ‘we’ and ‘where and when’? I asked, confused, while taking a drink of my beer, waiting for an answer.

We have another facility with help from another alien, Hightower answers.

Another fucking alien? What, you guys just have them all over the place?

No, this one has been around for a long time, and he came forward to help us because he knows the kind of alien that 13 is.

Well, let’s go meet this one, then, I say, standing up and walking back to the fridge and grabbing a few more beers. Anyone want one? I ask, looking around the office.

Yeah, I’ll take one, Jack says as he stands up from leaning on the doorway to let Hightower go by in a huff as the girls follow behind him. I toss Jack a beer, and we drink together, walking out of the office and down the hallway.

We finish our beers and toss them in the trash can in the lobby. Missing the trash can, we both mumble, Shit, knowing that Kate will kick our asses if she sees them on the floor. We both look at each other, then back down at the beer cans on the floor. When I look back up, Jack has already darted out the front door and is halfway to the helicopter in the parking lot.

Asshole, I say, watching him walk to the helicopter. He turns and smiles at me knowing what he did. I pick up the cans and toss them in the trash and walk out the front door. I don’t bother locking up ’cause there’s really nothing here anymore to lock up. We’ve used it all in the fight with the Crazy Eyes. Hell, by the time we get back to the salon, it could be a field with the way the government is carrying on.

I walk up to the helicopter and climb in, taking a seat next to Kate and across from Jack, who is still smiling at me for ditching me inside. I just open another beer and flip him off. Hightower starts up the helicopter and pulls up fast. You can feel the force pushing you down in your seat as he takes off and tilts the huey to the side, tipping forward and taking off. His huey doesn’t have side doors on it, so the wind is just gusting in, blowing my kilt up, showing Jack everything he doesn’t want to see. I just smile at him with my beer in my hand.

I was hoping that Hightower has some CCR playing up in here, but nothing. It’s going to be a long ride. I hear Hightower talking about this new alien we’re going to meet who is going to help us out. He goes on to talk about how he has some island and that he helped the Mayans or something. I kind of just tune him out until he says something about how this alien is addicted to cocaine. I might like this alien.

I go back to tuning out Hightower, looking out the side over the city or what’s left of the city. It’s just piles of rubble now with lots of trucks and equipment down there tearing down and loading up to take away everything to make new farmland. I see a group loading up a dead Dozer onto a flatbed trailer to take to a firepit, where they have been taking all the dead Crazy Eyes and dead people to burn.

I key my mic to talk over the headset to ask Hightower where the hell this place is. He just says it’s not too far away. Leave it to Missouri to hide secrets from secrets. I get back on the headset to tell him to hurry the hell up because I gotta take a piss.

He just responds, Not much longer.

Jack and the girls just stare at me, and I just shrug my shoulders and say, What? then go on drinking my beer.

Hightower was right about it not being much longer. I feel the helicopter tilt forward and start going down. It feels like we’re going down a little fast until the helicopter pulls up fast and slows down and does a quick spin around and comes to a landing.

’Bout time, I say as I unbuckle and jump out the side, hiking my kilt up and start taking my piss.

Aw, really, Stone? Kate says as she and Stacy climb out.

Jack jumps out and slaps me on my back hard enough that I have to catch my balance, taking a half step forward with my right foot, almost pissing all over myself. I yell, Damn it, Jack. He just laughs and keeps walking, following the girls over to a big door to wait for Hightower. Shit, I really have to take a piss. I don’t think this is going to end anytime soon. I get this feeling that I have eyes on me and can feel them burning deep into my soul. I turn my head and look over to where everyone is standing, just watching me.

Y’all enjoying the show? I yell.

Hurry the fuck up, Stone, Kate yells back.

Yeah, put the little sausage away and get over here, Stacy chimes in.

Yeah, yeah. Just let me finish the world’s longest piss here.

Shake it off. Just shake it off. Both girls start singing, holding back from giggling.

Not that fucking song again, Jack says.

Hightower opens a panel and places his hand inside, and the big door starts to open, sliding to the right and into the hillside. I turn and do a little jog to catch up with the others as they walk into the side of the hill. The big door closes behind us, taking the bright sunlight away, leaving us in a dark, long hallway. There are lights every ten feet or so, giving light in the hallway, which makes it longer. I can’t help but think I hear something echoing down the hall.

What’s that sound? It’s muffled, but it sounds like music. It sounds like the Rolling Stones’ Time Is on My Side. I focus on the music to see if I’m right, and the farther we move down the hallway, the more I can hear the music. It is Time on My Side by the Rolling Stones.

Hightower, what the hell is that? I ask.

That would be Frost. He likes music, and he’ll play whatever’s loud, Hightower answers.

Well, he’s got good taste if he’s playing Rolling Stones, Jack says.

We come to another door. Hightower places his hand on a panel, and a light comes on, then we hear a loud thud. The door slides open, the Rolling Stones’ Time Is on My Side playing loudly. The room we are walking into is big, as big as the last building we were at with all the bays and trucks, this and that, in it. All this place has are a group of computers in one area and some big trampoline-looking thing standing upright with cords all over the floor.

Over by the radio is a table with someone small next to it. Is that fucking Danny DeVito? I watch this Danny look-alike slide his face across the table in front of him with a loud snorting sound, then coming back up dancing. As I walk closer, I see that this alien really does kind of look like a Danny or maybe a Pat Oswalt.

Staring at him, I try to think whom he looks like more. He grabs a big white brick and slams it down on the table, bursting it into a powdery white cloud of smoke, like a damn ninja smoke-bombing the fuck out of us. Everyone just scatters to get away from the cocaine dust cloud, except for Jack and myself. We just walk into the cloud, embracing the white powder with no regrets and zero fucks.

Frost, what the hell are you doing? Hightower yells as both girls yell at Jack and me, What the fuck are you two assholes doing?

What? We’re making a new friend, I say back, smiling.

What does it look like, man? There’s nothing new to this, Frost says back to Hightower, then diving back down for another line of coke.

Slow down on the powder for a minute, will you, and tell us what the plan is, Hightower says, looking at Frost, as Jack cuts a line, getting ready to do it.

The plan? I turn that on, they walk through it, I keep it open, they walk back through it. Simple. Easy, Frost says, covered in cocaine as he points around.

Frost! Hightower says with a tone.

Jack! Stone! Kate shouts. Both of us just lift our heads up to stare back at her.

What? You want in on this? Jack asks, and I chuckle.

What? No! Both of you just stop right now. We have shit to do, Kate snaps at us.

This will help us get shit done, I say.

Colonel, dude, if you keep worrying like this, no one will be able to shove a jelly bean up your ass, Frost says to Hightower. Jack and I look at each other, shocked and amazed that this little alien just said that to Hightower.

Goddamn it, Frost! Hightower yells out, losing his cool.

Colonel, you know God was made up by humans ’cause they didn’t understand us or have the language to describe us, but what’s interesting is how the Catholic Church became as powerful and rich as it is now, Frost rambles out as he dives back down for another line of coke.

Damn it, Frost, I’m not getting into that right now. Stay on topic. You know why you’re here and what needs to be done. Remember, you felt a surge of power, Hightower says, reminding Frost of what’s going on.

"Yeah, yeah, okay. Look, guys, I felt a disturbance in the force, and Hightower called me up about the same time to help. He told me about 13 and what kind of alien he is. He’s from Dulord. They’re assholes. They destroyed my home planet, Delou. I escaped before it completely blew up, but my engines took damage in getting away, which was why I ended up here on this planet.

I found an island and created my own little paradise to hide away in. Well, I fucked up in my calculations, and my ship’s energy stabilizer overloaded, turning my cloaking field into a prison force field. When people started to show up on my island from different times, I tried to fix my stabilizer one day to correct what happened, but everything just went to shit. Frost takes another break. He leans down and does the longest line of cocaine I’ve ever seen. He makes Scarface look like a pussy.

Sorry. I had to do a line. Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, well, my shit went crazy, and I escaped off the island, unable to get anyone else off. I haven’t been back ’cause I don’t know if I’ll be able to get off again. I know that my fuckup created some time vortexes that you may know as triangles, like the Bermuda Triangle.

Wait, so you’re saying that you can get us to where we need to go but don’t know if you can get us back? I ask.

No, I can get you there and tell you how to fix the energy stabilizer and correct the triangle vortexes.

So you’re not coming with us? Kate asks.

Oh no, I’m sure there are people on the island that are very mad at me for not coming back to save them.

So what happened with your calculations? Stacy asks.

I wasn’t expecting this planet to produce so much energy like it does, and it overloaded my energy stabilizer, Frost answers.

"You said you escaped. What did