Never Live Your Life on Almost: Live Your Life to the Fullest!

By Essie L. Allen

If you’ve ever found yourself between here and there, or on the brink of a breakthrough, or even still at the dawn of your deliverance, now is the time for you to thrive and live the life you were born to live. In her premier memoir, It’s Not Too Late to Cry: Living beyond the Pain, author Essie L. Allen shares her deepest trauma and fears, allowing them to be replaced by healing and hope.

In her sequel, Never Live Your Life on Almost: Live Your Life to the Fullest! Essie Allen uncovers the process of removing the paralyzing effects of anxiety and the fear of the unknown that hinder you from living in your potential. In this book, you will go on one woman’s journey, moving from the mediocre to the manifestation of God’s promises. You will learn how to process the hurt to produce healing.

God promised us an abundant life in John 10:10 in spite of the devil’s tactics. There are no circumstances or situations that have occurred in your life that can forfeit your ability to live your life to the fullest. Through each page, you will realize that your best life is waiting for you. You can have more joy, more peace, and more love, and it can start today.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Christian Faith Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: May 3, 2022
• ISBN: 9781638743231

Book preview

Chapter 1

This Was the Beginning for Me

It had been a week since I spoke at the Women’s Conference. It was there that my book was released, It’s Not Too Late to Cry: Living beyond the Pain. I’ve waited years to tell my story. I believed saying those words out loud would somehow awaken me from my perpetual nightmare. It felt like I was on the edge of a cliff with the choice to fall back or fly. That day I made the choice to fly, but flying out in the open has its risk. I shared in-depth details of my pain and shame, which left me vulnerable, open for judgment and even more rejection.

My greatest fear was how people would perceive me after learning my truth. Would they blame me for what I went through? I even thought that some might consider me weak and stupid for not telling anyone or fighting back. Those fears that kept me from telling as a child were the same fears I still believed as an adult. Although it was emotionally and physically exhausting, to my surprise, none of that happened. There was no backlash or judgment. I was shown overwhelming compassion and kindness, which caused me to think that this was all I needed to do to change my life.

Furthermore, I thought that exposing that part of my life would somehow project me into a life absent of the pain I carried for years. I made myself believe that once I told my secret, it would be over, that I would automatically gain the life that I lost. Oh boy, I was wrong! My life was waiting for me, but it was going to be a journey to get there. God had plans for me, and I could no longer remain in the frozen state of my past. I was required to change.

You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. (Matthew 5:14 NIV; emphasis added)

The day of the conference was awe-inspiring. The prayers of women reverberated throughout the halls as songs of praise filled the air. Vendors lined the walls sharing products designed to empower women to a greater calling. Strangers and friends engaging one another with opened hearts finding a common bond. I took all of it in as I tucked myself away from the crowd and watched like a wide-eyed child. The conference leader began to count down. It was almost time for corporate worship. I was still tucked away, but this time with my eyes closed, listening to the footsteps of the women entering the sanctuary. In my mind, I pictured a military battalion marching into war with the confidence of securing victory. I wasn’t as convinced as the rest of the troops and found myself pacing by the door with the intent to go AWOL.

The butterflies became intense, and once again I was afraid. Then I was reminded that fear didn’t have to be my platform anymore. "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind (2 Timothy 1:7 KJV; emphasis added). Knowing that the fear I was experiencing wasn’t from God, my courage returned. I stood at the back of the auditorium and watched women of every hue and season. Each one was eagerly waiting to hear my story. While standing there, I heard the voice of God again. He said, There’s no turning back." I didn’t completely understand the magnitude of that statement when it happened. But within a few days, I would fully understand that my life was no longer the same.

The conference was over, and I went back to my normal routine, assuming everything would be the same. Several days later, I needed to go to Walmart. Normally I could get in and out of the store almost unseen, which reinforced my belief that I was invisible and insignificant. A small gesture of a smile and a wave was enough social etiquette that demonstrated that I could be communal. I could show myself as friendly without having to trust the idea of friendship. The protective bubble I placed myself in was still active. I didn’t have the confidence in myself to be open although my secrets were out.

I was quickly moving through the store when I was interrupted with the sound of someone calling my name. I looked to see if I could match the voice with a face. I tried to continue with my social etiquette while increasing the speed of my steps. The voice became louder. That slight hesitation provided enough time for a woman to catch up with me. She had heard about the book. She wanted to thank me for sharing my story. She had a story as well. Once that conversation ended, another woman came to tell me she heard about the book, and how it must have taken courage to share something so personal. Courageous wasn’t a word I used to describe myself.

A few aisles over, I was stopped again. This time it was a woman I knew very well. She began telling me about what she had endured. My mind started to drift as she was speaking. I thought about all of the times we spent together. We shared our hopes and dreams but never our truth. How we both struggled to let go of our past. How maintaining healthy relationships was impossible. We never talked about the times we felt like ending it all. Thinking that if we didn’t exist it would make all things better, or how being alone brought us comfort that others wouldn’t understand. I wondered to myself how many women have come into my life that shared similar experiences but were too afraid to be vulnerable and ask for help. This was difficult for me to digest. Did I shield myself so much that my vision was skewed from seeing the pain of other women? Just that quick, the feeling of guilt and shame resurfaced.

After she finished talking, another woman came and shared her story. She told me about her daughter and the abuse she went through. People kept coming. I was no longer invisible. I should have been honored with all of the attention, but it had the opposite effect. I felt bombarded, without a way of escape. It was at that moment that my breathing became rapid, my body became tense, and I was in a full-blown panic. I lost focus on what she was talking about; my only thought was to find the nearest exit. Outside has always been my calming place, and I knew that if I could just get outside, this would pass, but she continued to talk. My body language should have revealed to her how uncomfortable I was standing there, but it went unnoticed.

I know having someone to relate to is affirming, but I was so glad when her phone began to ring. I was able to quietly excuse myself and frantically run to my car. I darted across the parking lot and snatched my car door open. I curled up in the driver’s seat and began rocking to soothe the agitation I felt. I couldn’t catch my breath, so I began to talk to myself. Breath, It’s okay, God’s got you girl. I was so glad that no one walked by while I was having my moment because I didn’t look like the famous Christian author. Some would say I just looked crazy.

The secret was out, but the scars were still painful. All I could do was cry for help! My emotional state was unstable and extremely fragile. I was sensing every possible emotion, anger, happiness, disappointment, excitement, love, sadness, and hatred simultaneously. All of my emotions were fighting for the small space in my heart that I allowed myself to open. I was drowning in my own thoughts. How was anyone going to help me when I couldn’t even describe the turmoil I was experiencing?

On the outside, I looked like I had it together—book signing, speaking engagements, online videos—but on the inside I was quickly falling apart, trying to outrun the cascade of emotions erupting. I found it difficult to talk to anyone and even more difficult to pray. It was in those moments that I questioned God’s role. Was He truly for me? Those thoughts had the ability to catapult me into questioning His very existence in my life. There I was, alone and shaken, hoping for God to answer.

There in that store, I could see that my life was changing. The reality became apparent when I found myself exposed and I could no longer hide. The emotional inaccessibility that once shielded me was gone, and that which was familiar became unfamiliar. I was stuck in a place that I could not recognize. For the first time, I knew that I wasn’t created to be alone, but the inability to relate to people scared me. I had no clue on who I was supposed to be. The concept of opening up and being vulnerable left me agonizing over my future. I had tried many times before to open up and share my life, only to be rejected. So I stopped trying. I found it easier to merely exist, to live life based on what people needed from me. Once again I found myself on a stage in whatever role was required for the moment. I learned that if you don’t have expectations for people, then they can’t fail you. I made up in my mind that I wouldn’t have any expectations for people, no expectations for myself, and no expectations for