Creative Discipline, Connected Family: Transforming Tears, Tantrums and Troubles While Staying Close to Your Children

By Lou Harvey-Zahra

Many parents struggle with finding effective ways to manage their children's behaviour. Can you discipline without punishing? How do you set limits while maintaining closeness and trust? Lou Harvey-Zahra, an experienced parenting coach and teacher, has developed a method that really works: creative discipline. Offering new perspectives on children's so-called 'bad behaviour', she helps parents solve immediate problems while fostering positive, lifelong family connections. This book is full of ideas for overcoming everyday issues like fussy eating, bedtime struggles and sibling squabbles. It also offers inspiration for addressing larger concerns, such as lying, anger and bereavement. With numerous examples, real-life stories and commonly asked questions, this is an encouraging, helpful guide for parenting children from toddler to twelve years old from the author of the bestselling Happy Child, Happy Home.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Floris Books
• Release date: Aug 20, 2015
• ISBN: 9781782502258

Lou Harvey-Zahra

Lou Harvey-Zahra grew up and did her teacher training in England. She now lives in Melbourne, Australia, where she has taught in a number of different kindergarten, primary, special needs and Steiner-Waldorf school settings. She runs conscious parenting workshops and is the author of Happy Child, Happy Home; Creative Discipline, Connected Family; and Through the Rainbow: A Waldorf Birthday Story for Children.

Book preview

Introduction

The rules of parents are but three… love, limit and let them be.

ELAINE M. WARD

Of all the workshop and talk themes I offer, Creative Discipline is by far the most popular. It is a topic on every parent’s mind: how do I discipline in a loving and positive way? Can I change behaviour without shouting, time out, threatening, bribing and rewarding? Can I maintain limits and stay connected to my child? Many of us have a strong desire to move away from so-called authoritarian methods of discipline, but wonder whether we can find a clear road map ahead without them. We are seeking a new way. We still need to show children how to live in the world, be socially acceptable, how to respect belongings and other people. Children still require loving boundaries.

Through my decades as a teacher and parent, I have spent more time in rooms full of children than with adults. During these hours and days I have been striving to develop that new road map, to discover a new way of meeting children, seeing their needs, honouring their stage of life, to find alternative solutions to challenges so I can transform difficult situations in a loving manner. This book holds the fruits of my labour and it is a pleasure to share it with you.

Twenty years ago, I was lucky enough to teach in an inspiring setting. All the children in that class were autistic. As a teacher, managing children with autism can have its challenges, but this environment was special. What helped create this positive atmosphere was having behaviour management as one of our goals, and part of our planning and documentation for the children, alongside maths and English.

We had a unique and positive system for dealing with challenging behaviour. It was called the Least-Restrictive-First Method. This method always began with asking why a child was displaying a particular challenging behaviour. This question was considered to gain an understanding of the student’s motives and needs. What is the behaviour communicating? What skills could we teach to replace the unwanted behaviour? Appropriate professional strategies were followed and recorded: we redirected the student, or changed the classroom environment to change the behaviour, and so on. The least restrictive interventions were always tried first; the most restrictive intervention was time out, and it was only ever used as a last option. Putting a student in time out was serious business: it meant parent consultation and written permission. Over a one-year period, I used the time out technique a handful of times, and with only one student. Time out was used so infrequently, if at all, because the Least-Restrictive-First Method was in place.

The method was very successful: it helped us to understand the students’ behaviour and create appropriate changes, while maintaining positive teacher and student relationships and a happy school environment.

I have since further developed and described the ideas in the Least-Restrictive-First Method, and renamed it Creative Discipline. ‘Discipline’ is a positive word: it stems from ‘disciple’ and means ‘to teach’. I use the word discipline in the sense of teaching, rather than punishing. Punishment means to cause harm, fear or pain. If we remember this one idea – that ‘discipline’ means ‘to teach’ – this in itself will transform our dealings with toddlers and children over time.

Creative Discipline, Connected Family outlines how to creatively and lovingly teach young children positive behaviours and how to maintain appropriate boundaries. Creative Discipline techniques provide:

♦ simple solutions to inappropriate behaviours

♦ a learning environment that is fun and nurturing for young children

♦ support for the growing child’s self-esteem

♦ a greater understanding of children’s needs

♦ a reduction in tantrums, tears and hurt feelings

♦ children gaining positive skills for life

♦ a safe and predictable home environment

♦ greater confidence for parents too

♦ a reduction in challenging behaviours, and fewer challenging behaviours escalating

♦ happy families where each person feels included and valued

♦ a more relaxed parent-and-child relationship, which can lead to a connected adult relationship with your grown-up child

♦ happier days for parents: most parents don’t wish to spend their days nagging and grumbling!

My work as a playgroup leader for over twelve years has meant many meaningful hours spent with lovely toddlers, young children and their parents. I find empowering families with this new way of seeing and transforming behaviours very worthwhile. I now teach children in Steiner-Waldorf kindergartens (nurseries) and primary schools using the techniques outlined in this book for a variety of ages and settings. I have gathered many ideas and tools for understanding children and their behaviours. I am still learning every day.

With my own children, now thirteen and sixteen years old, I witness the results of parenting with Creative Discipline. I see how our relationship is now. Yes, there are still trying moments – that’s life! – but underneath is a strong bond of shared communication and understanding, of love and warmth, as well as firm boundaries. I also observe with joy that children in turn treat others as they have been treated.

Creative Discipline is a matter of parent choice, but parents often do not know what choices are available. When you become parents there are not many, if any, classes on how to manage behaviours. Many of us fall into the category of not really wanting to discipline at all; many of us are too tough and resort to techniques that can hurt or distance children. Many of us, indeed, swing between these two modes. Creative Discipline, Connected Family offers a way out of this dilemma between avoiding intervention and intervening too strongly. It aims to help parents, teachers and carers to transform children’s behaviours in a positive manner and to replace unwanted behaviours with new skills, while staying connected with one another.

Young children have not yet developed strong social, reasoning and communication skills. It is well worth considering whether their challenging behaviour is explorative behaviour, rather than misbehaviour. Do they actually have an understanding yet of how to behave? Or are they still learning? Can they express an underlying need in any way other than their challenging behaviour? Merely punishing young children who haven’t yet learnt how to manage social situations, or how to communicate in acceptable ways, will not teach new skills for life. I suggest we try to see unwanted behaviours as interesting. Try to look at the particular situation you are in from the child’s perspective.

When we habitually use or resort to restrictive techniques such as shouting, time out or the naughty corner (or smacking), children may become desensitised so they don’t even really hear the shouting. Parents become more exasperated, children feel they are ‘bad’, and a disconnection occurs. This has the potential to affect the long-term parent-and-child relationship. Also, if parents use restrictive methods first and they fail, there is nowhere else to go, and control is lost.

I understand that parenting is not always easy: at times I, too, shout and point my finger! Slowly, though, over time I have developed the Creative Discipline techniques and begun to change – although I am still working at it! Every parent (and teacher) has off moments. We are all human. Every time I speak to groups of parents I start by asking: ‘All perfect parents please stand by the door.’ No one, and I mean no one leaves their seat. Ever! I certainly never move. Our ‘reactive moments’ may actually be needed from time to time, to teach children that nobody is perfect. Living up to perfection is too hard a task for any child! Parenting is a continual process. It is an essential part of life and human development for parents to acknowledge mistakes and attempt to change. We all make mistakes, we all act unconsciously; the trick is to keep pondering ‘Is there another way…?’

This book presents you with many inspiring tools for the challenging moments in your parenting journey, as well as real life stories from other parents who have been there too. My first book, Turning Tears into Laughter, was published in 2010. Creative Discipline, Connected Family contains the material from that first book (which is now out of print) and develops it further in the light of the many, many stories and questions I have heard from parents, teachers and carers in response to it.

Creative Discipline, Connected Family provides practical tips and inspiration, so that your mind does not simply go blank when a child tips most of the bath water out, resists the car seat for the tenth time, hits another child to get a toy, and refuses to tidy their bedroom.

Even though I offer solutions, you need not follow opinions and guidance – mine included – blindly. Every child is unique, and you know your child better than anyone else, so filter all my ideas through your own intuition. I am also happy for you to disagree with me. Place the ideas to one side, and perhaps look at them again another day.

I do not believe in right and wrong, we need to trust our own differing judgments. Simply reflect, do these new ideas help? Is the behaviour transforming over time? Does it feel right? Have confidence: humans have been parenting and childhood has been a part of life from the beginning! In my view, parenting is not about outcomes, like the corporate world. The ultimate goal is to connect with your children and that is necessarily an ongoing process. Discovering our children’s unique qualities takes as long as parenting takes: a lifetime! We do not need to change innate aspects of our children, indeed we cannot. On the contrary, we need to honour those characteristics that make them unique, otherwise they will never feel good enough.

Let us aim to teach young children skills and knowledge for life, to empower them. Let’s guide rather than condemn, developing appropriate behaviours while still holding hands together.

The introductory part of this book has two more chapters. The first of these discusses that dilemma we face between not intervening with our children at all and intervening too harshly; that is, between permissive and authoritarian responses to children’s challenging behaviour. Creative Discipline is a third way that aims to avoid the pitfalls of both the permissive and the authoritarian approaches.

Holding hands

In the second introductory chapter we then look at four of the essential foundations of family life that need to be in place to prevent challenging behaviour arising unnecessarily: connection, rhythm, play and good food. Other strategies for managing challenging behaviour are unlikely to work if there is no connection between parents and children, or if children cannot recognise patterns in their mealtimes and bedtimes, or if there is no freedom for children to play, or if children haven’t eaten sustaining food. These foundational issues support any other behaviour management strategies.

The rest of the book, following the introduction and foundations, is divided into two parts. Part One describes the ten techniques of Creative Discipline. It will give you new strategies for transforming difficult times with your children.

Part Two is full of particular examples. It looks at issues or situations when challenging behaviour is more common and gives ideas and inspiration for managing those moments, showing how the Creative Discipline techniques might work in practice, and how they might apply to life in your household. This section also includes questions I have often been asked by parents and carers and my answers to them.

Creative Discipline, Connected Family finishes with a short discussion of how you might begin to use some of these techniques and ideas with your own children.

Journal Activities

Throughout the book I suggest activities to personalise the Creative Discipline, Connected Family journey for readers. These activities will help ground the concepts and lead to a better understanding of child behaviour. Consider buying an exercise book or journal and jotting down thoughts and inspirations while reading each chapter. This way you can make the ideas in the book more specific to your own parenting or teaching.

Parenting Styles

Stop trying to perfect your child; keep trying to perfect your relationship with your child.

DR HENKER

Understanding different parenting styles can help parents navigate the childhood years with greater clarity. Every parent is unique: we don’t need to change our innate personality, for example, we don’t need to try to be eternally patient and softly spoken if we are more instinctively loud and vivacious. However, there is evidence that certain approaches are more effective for managing children’s challenging or inappropriate behaviour, and it is worth being aware of this.

Defining Parenting Styles

Psychologist Diana Baumrind studied 110 preschool children to uncover the effect that parenting styles have on children. Baumrind (1967) identified three main parenting styles – authoritarian, permissive, and authoritative – based on two aspects of parenting behaviour: parental control (discipline) and warmth. Since Baumrind, many other psychologists have used this terminology and done further studies. (Maccoby, E.E. and Martin, J.A. (1983), Maccoby, E.E. (1992), Hockenbury, D.H. and Hockenbury, S.E. (2003), Bernstein, D.A. (2011))

Putting it simply, Baumrind defines a parent as having an ‘authoritarian’ style if they foster control with little warmth; parenting with a permissive style is the opposite – warmth and nurturing with little control; whereas authoritative parents and teachers have both: they give warmth and they take charge. Rudolf Steiner calls this ‘loving authority’. Creative Discipline, as outlined in this book, is a form of authoritative parenting, the middle path, and it is also a series of ideas and techniques for making authoritative parenting work in practice.

The research done by Baumrind and others consistently affirms that authoritative parenting styles have more positive outcomes for parents and children and their relationships.

Authoritarian

Authoritarian-style parents often use a reward and punishment system to keep behaviours in check. They tend to respond to challenging behaviour with more restrictive methods such as shouting, taking something away, isolating the child, smacking, or a ‘bribing’ reward system: ‘Do what I ask and I will give you a…’ This style might also be called ‘strict’ parenting. It is often ‘fear-based’, and founded on expectations of obedience and near-perfect behaviour. With a lot of rules and limits, there is a tendency to give conditional love, using labels like ‘good girl’ and ‘naughty girl’. Authoritarian-style parents display less warmth and nurturing. They tend to use the phrase ‘Because I said so’ rather than explaining the reasons behind rules. This is a style characterised by high demands from parents, and high discipline, with less concern for how the child may perceive the world.

Authoritarian style with toddlers

Authoritarian-style parents tend to respond to every behavioural challenge from their toddlers with a threat: naughty corner, taking something away, smacking or yelling. New alternative behaviours are not taught, nor do the parents look at the underlying needs children might be expressing through their behaviour.

Authoritarian style with older children and teens

When punishments are overused, the growing child may cease to care about them and they will lose their power. Family rules are not debated or discussed. This parenting style can lead to a tumultuous teenagehood, with lots of clashing heads.

Research findings regarding authoritarian style

♦ Children are co-operative when parents are around due to the threat of punishment or the prospect of reward, however, children may lack self-discipline when out of adult view. Children don’t learn to self-regulate their behaviour.

♦ A lack of warmth or positive connection, plus continual threats, can lead to disconnected relationships between parents and children.

♦ Parents often threaten, but then don’t follow through. This reinforces poor listening skills in the child.

♦ Children can become defiant, oppositional, aggressive, and at times withdrawn and sullen if they feel unfairly treated.

♦ Parents feel shame and guilt for harsh reactions and then may swing the other way and spoil the child.

Permissive

Permissive-style parents are warm and nurturing, and they have few rules, expectations and boundaries for children’s behaviour. They do not like to set limits and tend to value non-conformity and freedom. Permissive-style parents may allow too many choices and inappropriate decisions at an early age. They create far less rhythm and structure in family life. They may avoid confrontation, looking away rather than dealing with challenging behaviour. Their reasoning may be that children will grow out of their difficult behaviours. Permissive-style parents may think of themselves as good friends to their children more than, or rather than, being parents. A common tendency is to turn instructions into questions: ‘Bath time, ok?’

Permissive style and the toddler

Permissive-style parents do not correct toddlers for unsafe, antisocial or disruptive behaviour. They often over-communicate, as though they can persuade toddlers verbally to behave differently. They tend to offer too many choices and are inconsistent with timing meals, rests and activities so they do not create clear rhythms. Kindergarten teachers regularly ask me to address the notion of the ‘free-range toddler’. Giving toddlers some freedoms to explore definitely should not mean ‘no boundaries’.

Permissive style and older children

Permissive-style parents may show love by giving in to the child’s wishes. ‘You can stay up late if you want to,’ or ‘You don’t have to do any chores if you don’t want to.’ Once their children are teenagers, permissive-style parents may see themselves not as shaping their adolescents’ actions, but as a resource if their teenagers require them.

Research findings regarding permissive style

♦ The children control the household.

♦ Children may be overemotional from late nights and inconsistent rhythms.

♦ This parenting style is likely to mean children don’t learn to be responsible for themselves or accountable for their own behaviour, having rarely received firm guidelines about keeping behaviours in check.

♦ The children’s antisocial behaviour can lead to poor peer relationships.

♦ If children haven’t been taught to consider and respect the feelings of others they can be egocentric, which will also interfere with peer relationships.

♦ Having no boundaries is stressful for children, and restless behaviour may occur.

♦ The parents may become exhausted and have a sense of powerlessness, meaning they increasingly avoid any confrontation with the children.

♦ The parents can swing from being gentle and kind to being overly harsh due to bottled-up resentment and anger.

Authoritative

Correct children with respect and kindness and they will respond with respect and kindness – if not immediately, then surely in time.

DALAI LAMA

The word ‘authoritative’ has only a few different letters to ‘authoritarian’, however the two parenting styles are worlds apart. The saying ‘kind and firm’ characterises authoritative-style parenting. Authoritative-style parents are warm, nurturing and easygoing, while still creating clear boundaries and guidelines for children. They administer fair, consistent and understandable limits, they take into account the factors behind the behaviour and actively teach and guide positive change. Authoritative parents encourage childhood freedom, while maintaining limits on unsafe actions. They follow a child-centred approach, without being overindulgent.

Creative Discipline, as it will be outlined in Part One of this book, is an authoritative method of parenting. Rather than relying on restrictive methods to control behaviour, it starts from seeing behavioural challenges as opportunities for growth, and looks for the message behind behaviours. When using Creative Discipline, parents allow some choices within limits. They have clear structures and rhythms in their family life. They have clear rules for unhealthy and unsafe behaviour. They give their time, attention and love unconditionally. They are not looking for perfection, and forgive children’s shortcomings. Authoritative parents lead by example: they try to regulate their own behaviour and so be a role model.

Authoritative style and toddlers

When parenting with an authoritative style, parents seek to understand the child’s age and circumstances. Games and redirection are the usual methods for creating positive behaviours in toddlers and young children. The parent teaches appropriate interactions in a creative, warm and firm manner. The toddler’s day has clear rhythms and plenty of time for family connection.

Authoritative style and older children

Clear and consistent limits are set. When parenting older children, establishing these limits often involves some consultation. Authoritative-style parents encourage mutual