I Was Angry at God (ebook): Overcoming Pornography, Crohn's Disease and Depression

By Kareem A. Williams

There is a connection between Crohn’s disease and pornography. More specifically between Crohn’s and masturbation. This book takes you through my personal story of how being angry at God made me turn to porn, and how I overcame depression and Crohn’s disease. I thought that being a good person was good enough. I thought that if you did all the right things, then your life would be good. Little did I know that everything could suddenly fall apart. I found myself dealing with depression, an addiction, and a life changing illness. I didn’t understand what was going on with my life. You begin to ask yourself, “What is going on, God? Why me?” This is exactly what happened to me! Have you ever been angry at God? Even a little passive-aggressive toward Him? I didn’t understand why God allowed these things to happen and didn’t even realize that I was becoming angry at Him. This book will share how I overcame my pornography addiction, Crohn’s disease, and depression. More importantly, it will show you how to mend your relationship with God when it’s broken by disappointment.

Discover . . .
-The “real” cause of Crohn’s disease
-How to overcome pornography addiction
-The “other” effects of sex, not just the physical
-More than just overcoming depression, but living in purpose
-Things that trigger you being angry at God

• Language: English
• Publisher: KA Will LLC/ Kareem A. Williams
• Release date: Nov 14, 2022
• ISBN: 9798986764818

Book preview

I Was Angry at God

Overcoming Pornography, Crohns Disease and Depression

By Kareem A. Williams

First published in the United States of America. All rights reserved. With the exception of brief quotations in a review, no part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted, in any form, or by any means, electronic or mechanical (including photocopying), nor may it be stored in any information storage and retrieval system without written permission from the publisher.

DISCLAIMER

The advice contained in this material might not be suitable for everyone. The author designed the

information to present his opinion about the subject matter. The reader must carefully investigate all aspects of any health or medical decision before committing him or herself. The author obtained the information contained herein form sources he believes to be reliable and from his own personal experience, but he neither implies nor intends any guarantee of accuracy. Should the reader need such advice, he or she must seek services from a competent professional. The author particularly disclaims any liability, loss, or risk taken by individuals who directly or indirectly act on the information contained herein. The author believes the advice presented here is sound, but readers cannot hold him responsible for either the actions they take or the risk taken by individuals who directly or indirectly act on the information contained herein.

I Was Angry at God:

Overcoming Pornography, Crohns Disease and Depression

ISBN 979-8-9867648-1-8  (ebook)

By Kareem A. Williams

Published by Kareem A. Williams / KA Will LLC

Created by Kareem A. Williams

Copyright 2022 Kareem A. Williams

This book is dedicated to my Moms, Avonda Patricia Gaskin, the most hardworking, self-sacrificing woman I know.  Thank you for the foundation of strength you laid by God’s grace.  To my Granma, Elsie Ramona Gaskin, who was ever present in her children’s and grandchildren’s lives.  Lastly, I dedicate it to those struggling with addiction, battling physical and mental illness, and to those wondering if God is real.

This book was written in faith . . . not . . . in the wisdom of men but in the power of God (1 Corinthians 2:5, NKJV).

I Was Angry at God

Overcoming Pornography, Crohns Disease and Depression

Table of Contents

Introduction

Chapter 1            My New Life

Chapter 2       Alzheimers Disease

Chapter 3            New Trials and Troubles

Chapter 4            Picky Eaters Depression

Chapter 5            Teenage Puberty and Sex

Chapter 6            Falling Into the Same Trap

Chapter 7            Oakwood, My Second Home

Chapter 8            Dirty, Blind and Almost Lost

Chapter 9       Avoiding Failure

Chapter 10            The Real Cause of Crohns Disease

Chapter 11            Negative Context of Negative Sex

Chapter 12       Anything is Possible

Chapter 13            When Everything Falls Apart

Chapter 14       Forgiveness Before Blaming

Chapter 15       Healing From the Past

Chapter 16       Overcoming

Chapter 17       My Addiction

Emergency Hotlines

Acknowledgements

About the Author

Introduction

If you’re like me you never thought you would be addicted to anything, or at least it was never your goal to be.  There is an original cause for each of us, where the initial exposure, pain point, or feeling of less than sent us down the wrong path.  We must face it.  My troubles started out of brokenness and the pain of loss.  Do you remember when yours started?  You may have personally gone through depression at a very young age and that depression led you to be angry at God.  Like me, before your addiction you may have been dealing with other physical or mental challenges.  I didn’t know what depression was; therefore, I didn’t know I needed help.  I didn’t think watching pornography would hurt anyone, but it was hurting me.  Likewise, you may not know how your issues are affecting you and you may not think they are affecting anyone else.  However, they affect you, your friends, your coworkers, your classmates, and your family.  If they have led you to addiction of any kind, then it’s time to deal with them.  Addiction is already a mental illness, but it can lead to even more illnesses in the body.  For me that became Crohn’s disease.  In this book I will discuss what I believe to be the connection between masturbation and Crohn’s.

Due to my depression I became a very picky eater and was always skinny.  Whatever your personal battle is with mental health, my aim is to relate to you on any level I can.  I trust that you will find guidance and understanding for your journey as you read this book.  Lack of support, resources, and guidance can and will make your experience more difficult.  Depression can cause you to feel very alone while dealing with life.  When we feel alone, then we fall into traps caused by our own mind.  Feeling alone brings on emotions of discouragement and hopelessness.  We even fall into the trap of trying to avoid failure, because failure triggers our depression.  This becomes a very touchy area of our lives because failure, or should I say mistakes, are a part of life.  We learn from them.  We grow from them.  Avoiding them is only an illusion, and when that illusion can’t be maintained if affects our minds in a powerful, negative way.  Depression is at the forefront of that affect.  The World Health Organization reports that around 280 million people suffer with depression worldwide.  Approximately 17 million Americans are reported to have depression each year.  It is also linked to heart disease and other illnesses.  Going forward, you will learn about more than just overcoming depression; you will learn to live with purpose.

As will become more apparent through reading this book, my depression left me with a need to feel better—to feel good.  I medicated that need with porn.  Whenever we don’t look to God to fill a need, eventually an addiction or a poison will fill that need.  Whatever your need is, whatever your challenges are, and even if life has become a little too much to handle, remember that God is there.  He is ready to help.  In my opinion porn has become the fastest growing, most mainstream addiction.  Ask yourself when porn became a problem in your life.  How has it changed you?  How long have you been addicted to it?  Your addiction can disrupt your life plan and your life span.  It disrupts your happiness.  It disrupts your time and productiveness.  Porn is powerful because sex is a natural need.  In chapter 11 you will read about ways sex and masturbation affect us that we don’t usually talk about.  Never did I imagine when I first watched porn that it would plague my life on and off for seventeen years.  SEVENTEEN YEARS!  You may have gotten addicted through a weak period in your life, or you may have fallen ill at a point in your life when everything was going well.  Either way, now you have to find a way to get through it.  You have to find a way past it so that you can go on living your life in abundance and with purpose.

As the title of my book states, I Was Angry at God.  We have heard numerous discussions on forgiveness and how we should forgive others.  Rarely, however, do we talk about self-forgiveness, when we need to forgive ourselves for our own mistakes, bad decisions, or shortcomings.  This is pretty recent in personal belief systems as it has become a topic of interest as we progress.  However, I almost never hear us talk about forgiving God.  Perhaps it’s because the idea of that statement sounds blasphemous due to the fact that He is God.  Or maybe it’s because we have subconsciously told ourselves that God does not need our forgiveness because He has not done anything wrong.  He is God.  Consequently, He doesn’t need forgiveness if He is always right.  However, that notion leaves us with a perplexing problem.  If God doesn’t need forgiveness, if the idea of saying we forgive Him is blasphemous, if our reasoning for saying He doesn’t need our forgiveness is He is always right, then what do we do with this anger?  What do we do with this discouragement?  What do we do with this pain?  What do we do with this disappointment?  May I suggest to you that we need to forgive God for our hearts, not His.  We need to release it so that in our hearts and minds we can come to the One who can help us.  Come on common ground with like spirits in agreement.  This cannot be done with the anger.  This cannot be done with the discouragement. This cannot be done with the pain.  This cannot be done with the disappointment.  That’s why forgiving God is necessary.  It’s for our heart and our relationship with Him.  Somewhere throughout writing this book, probably while going through the COVID pandemic, I realized that we are all just trying to get by.  Just trying to live.  Without proper guidance, that’s all we will ever do.  Get by.  God has more for us.  In this life and the one to come.  Anything is possible.

Chapter 1:  My New Life

My new life started after living for twelve years on this earth.  That is when I truly began to live, when I realized that life is more than what I thought it was at the time.  I had begun to experience things from a new angle, new position, and a new prospective.  Events had happened in my preteen years, but how they took effect on me was different.  It was as if my eyes had been veiled throughout my entire childhood.  What’s funny is that at the time I did not know that things were changing.  I thought I was just growing up.  See, my life had just truly started because I had given my life to Christ.  I had been studying the Bible for some time and felt His Spirit speaking to me and moving me in ways I had never been moved.  The Holy Spirit truly guides us toward God’s path for us, even before we acknowledge who God is.  I was being transformed into the image He wanted me to be.  When our eyes are fixed on Jesus, we are changed into the same image from glory to glory, even as by the Spirit of the Lord (2 Corinthians 3: 18).  I cannot remember the exact time it happened, but I began to behold the image of God and His Spirit started its work in me. 

The faith of a child is good soil for the Holy Spirit to work and plant, and my heart was prepared with that kind of faith.  It doesn’t matter how much nutrients a seed has or what kind of seed it is if the soil is poor.  What is the tree rooted in?  That’s what matters.  Mark chapter 4 has a parable of Jesus explaining this very condition.  There are those who receive the Word, but in a shallow place of their heart.  The devil comes and snatches it away.  Then some receive it on the surface of their heart, superficially, but like a stone they will not allow it to move them.  It becomes offensive to them.  There are also those who get rooted in the Word, but allow the thorns and other vines of life to choke and overgrow what God has planted.  The cares of the world become more important than the cares of the kingdom.  Therefore, their treasures become earthly, though God started a heavenly treasure in their heart.  However, if the soil of the heart is good and the seed does not fall by the wayside, if there is no stone and there are no thorns overgrowing it, then that heart will receive the Word of God and become fruitful.  Some trees will produce more fruit than others, but the fruit will be good fruit and it will also drop seeds around to produce more good trees and fruit.  The Bible says, By their fruit you shall know them.  People will know Christians by the good things they do, by their reputation of being productive for God and their fellow man, and for their faith in unseen things.  These things are based in the heart because of love.  Without love there would be no sower, and that sower is God.  He did not only sow seeds of faith in us on earth, but He also planted the Tree from which all other trees received their seed of beginning.  The Tree of all life, Jesus Christ.  For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life (John 3: 16).  God foresaw good soil here on earth as He did with Noah, Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Moses, and David.  In view of that, He had already made provision for a pure Seed that He would rain down to us.  The Seed that would be the source of all other good trees and fruit of faith, that whosoever [anyone that] believeth in Him would share the life source with others.  God loved us with such love that He planted His Son to be the first Tree of many.  "For as the rain cometh down, and the snow from heaven, and returneth not thither, but watereth the earth, and maketh it bring forth and bud, that it may give seed to the sower, and bread to the eater: So shall my word be that goeth forth out of my mouth: it shall not return unto me void, but it shall accomplish that which I please, and it shall prosper in the thing whereto I sent