Spectral

By Fay Roberts and Sa'adiah Khan

Moving through moods and atmospheres (Passion, Anger, Joy, Nature/ The Sea, Melancholy, Philosophical/ Mystical, and finally Whimsy), Spectral is a book intended to be read in a number of different ways: 1. From beginning to end, moving through the blended spectrum of moods laid out in order; 2. As a mood-picker – either finding something to match your feelings from one of the seven main sections, or using something to change your mood to where you would like it to be; or 3. As a pic’n’mix menu of topics, emotions, and poetry forms. The pieces come from a number of places across the years – some of them from NaPoWriMo prompts, some from commissions, some from workshops, others inspired by random book pages, musical sequences, or just turning up without warning. A couple come, inevitably, from this past age of isolation and confinement, and still others are inspired by the wisdom and grace of chosen family. Not so much a pick-your-own-adventure book as a means to either follow an artistic journey laid out or choosing your own path, Spectral is an experience Fay is looking forward to sharing with you.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Allographic Press
• Release date: Nov 17, 2022
• ISBN: 9781909211254

Book preview

Biography

Born in 1975, Fay is a classically trained singer from Cardiff who has been getting on stages since the early eighties. Ze was bitten by the performance poetry bug in 2006 in Milton Keynes, after a favour to a friend turned into a place in the final of a poetry slam.

Ze helped to run Poetry Kapow! in Milton Keynes from 2007 to 2011 and has been involved with the Cambridge chapter of Hammer & Tongue since 2010. Ze set up Cambridge arts label Allographic in 2011, a live events platform and small press. Ze has been the Artistic Director for Spoken Word at The Free Fringe in Edinburgh since 2013 (mostly collaboratively), and host of critically acclaimed Fringe show Other Voices Spoken Word Cabaret since 2012. In 2014, ze ‘won’ the Edinburgh Fringe Anti-Slam as Melody Starchild. In 2017, zir first solo show, The Selkie, was shortlisted as best spoken word show of 2016–17 for the Saboteur Awards. Ze was Glastonbury Festival Poetry&Words Stage’s official blogger in 2019. Ze has been delivering poetry workshops and courses since 2014, and in 2017 ze accidentally became a voice actor, which sometimes feels like a dream come true.

Ze still sings – persistently. Zir work has been described as ‘lyrical’, ‘engaging’, ‘scarily good’, and as ‘musical’, ‘mellifluous’, and ‘mesmerising’.

Fay has performed in pubs, clubs, theatres, tents, malls, ships, museums, art galleries, stone circles, squats, haunted houses, and stately gardens; in open mic, slams, showcases, features, support, English, Welsh, French, BSL, collaboration, competition, and costume across the UK (and worldwide, thanks to Zoom!).

http://linktr.ee/fayroberts

Spectral

Fay Roberts

Allographic Press

(in association with Burning Eye Books)

Copyright © 2022 Fay Roberts

The author asserts the moral right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this work.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means without the prior written consent of the author, nor be otherwise circulated in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.

First published in print by Burning Eye Books 2022

This edition published by Allographic Press and distributed by Lulu.com

ISBN 978-1-909211-25-4

To all the people who inspired these poems, in one way or another.

Content Warning Key

These symbols will appear in the book to help guide you with regard to subject matter; many are implied rather than explicit in the text, but I figured that it was better to be safe than sorry. Symbols will also act as links back to this key. (Screenreader users please note: the content warning will be contained at the end of the alt-text of later symbols.)

A black-and-white cartoon of a grey circle with a horizontal line through it superimposes a disability symbol (a stick figure in a simplified wheelchair). ableism

A black-and-white cartoon of a stick figure with a thought bubble emerging from its head around which are two pairs of curved, jagged lines as if radiating from their head. Inside the thought bubble is a pair of curved arrows forming a circle, implying perpetual motion. addiction/ obsession

A black-and-white cartoon of a simplified, featureless head and shoulders with a simplified fist colliding with the side of it; jagged lines emerge from the impact point. assault

A black-and-white cartoon of a grey circle with a horizontal line through it superimposes a bisexuality symbol (a combination of biology symbols for female and male, extended on their adjoining side to overlap within a smaller, black circle). biphobia

A black-and-white cartoon of a pair of stick figures. One is standing, bent over, one hand on their hip, and pointing with the other. Jagged, grey lines emit from their face; their focus appears to be on another stick figure who is hunched up and seated on the ground, back curved defensively toward the standing figure, head bowed. bullying

A black-and-white cartoon of a grey circle with a horizontal line through it superimposes a simple, horizontal, oval figure with a bulbous protrusion at one end. childlessness

A black-and-white cartoon of a stick figure walking with jagged, grey lines emanating from head, elbow, back, knee; one hand is held to their face. chronic pain and fatigue

A black-and-white cartoon of a simplified image of a flag with a heavy boot emblazoned on it. colonisation

A black-and-white cartoon of two stick figures - head and arms only - gesticulate with stick arms and frown at each other (the only facial feature visible are their eyebrows) while jagged lines jostle for space between them. conflict

A black-and-white cartoon of a simplified human skull (without lower jaw or teeth) faces the viewer. death

A black-and-white cartoon of a rounded human figure has a very simple, neutral/sad face and has its arms crossed in front of it, shoulders hunched. depression

A black-and-white cartoon of a stick figure buries its face in both hands, shoulders hunched. Three jagged, grey lines emanate from its head. despair

A black-and-white cartoon of a grey circle with a horizontal line through it superimposes the nonbinary symbol (a small, black circle with a short line emerging from the top; across the top of the line is a diagonal black cross; it emulates older symbols for male or female, but as though combining and negating both). enbyphobia

A black-and-white cartoon of two grey circles with a horizontal line through it superimpose respectively the lesbian symbol (a combination of biology symbols for female, overlapping) and the male gay symbol (a combination of biology symbols for male, overlapping). homophobia

A black-and-white cartoon of two identical figures reversed and side-by-side; they look a little like two exclamation marks lying horizontally in opposite directions, the dot placed roughly one-third of the way along the other figure. implied sexual content

A black-and-white cartoon of a simple face comprising an open mouth and two down-slanting eyes to imply misery; something grey is streaming down from inside the mouth. mention of vomiting

A black-and-white cartoon of a grey circle with a horizontal line through it superimposes the biological symbol for female. misogyny

A black-and-white cartoon of a black candle with a white flame. mourning

A black-and-white cartoon of a stick figure is splayed on a slant, legs akimbo, hands held up to either side of its head; it is either lying down or falling over. Behind the figure is a greay spiral with jagged lines haphaxardly laced throughout it and the occasional exclamation mark. panic attack

A black-and-white cartoon of head and torso of a stick figure has its head bowed and is facepalming. regret

A black-and-white cartoon of an outline of two pieces of a shattered love heart, leaning away from each other with zigzag lines to indicate the break. relationship breakup

A black-and-white cartoon of a grey circle with a horizontal line through it superimposes three letter Zs. sleep deprivation

A black-and-white cartoon of a scene where, from underneath a simplified street lamp, a stick figure is running away, one hand held to its face. On the other side of the street lamp, two more stick figures are stood, one hand each on their hip and the other raised to point at the fleeing figure; jagged lines are emanating from their faces, towards the one running away. street harassment

A black-and-white cartoon of a grey circle with a horizontal line through it superimposes a touchscreen symbol (a simplified hand, seen side-on, with forefinger extended downwards; curved lines radiate from around the tip of the forefinger). touch starvation

A black-and-white cartoon of a love heart with a biohazard warning sign inside it. toxic relationships

A black-and-white cartoon of a grey circle with a horizontal line through it superimposes the transgender symbol (a combination of biology symbols for female, male, and both, centred around a single, unifying circle). transphobia

A QR code comprising all seven colours of the book's themes with a link to http://linktr.ee/SpectralPoetryBook. Click on the image to take you to the link.

The QR codes throughout the book are opportunities to find out more about the book or poem or section online. They also handily indicate when each poem is finished.

Contents

Biography

Content Warning Key

Contents

Introduction

Red: Passion

Arise

Hathor Summons Sekhmet A black-and-white cartoon of a simplified image of a flag with a heavy boot emblazoned on it. Content warning: colonisation

Silken A black-and-white cartoon of two identical figures reversed and side-by-side; they look a little like two exclamation marks lying horizontally in opposite directions, the dot placed roughly one-third of the way along the other figure. Content warning: implied sexual content

Cellars A black-and-white cartoon of two identical figures reversed and side-by-side; they look a little like two exclamation marks lying horizontally in opposite directions, the dot placed roughly one-third of the way along the other figure. Content warning: implied sexual content

Amber A black-and-white cartoon of two identical figures reversed and side-by-side; they look a little like two exclamation marks lying horizontally in opposite directions, the dot placed roughly one-third of the way along the other figure. Content warning: implied sexual content.

Conflagration A black-and-white cartoon of two stick figures - head and arms only - gesticulate with stick arms and frown at each other (the only facial feature visible are their eyebrows) while jagged lines jostle for space between them. Content warning: conflict.

Logbook A black-and-white cartoon of an outline of two pieces of a shattered love heart, leaning away from each other with zigzag lines to indicate the break. Content warning: relationship breakup.

Addenda A black-and-white cartoon of two grey circles with a horizontal line through it superimpose respectively the lesbian symbol (a combination of biology symbols for female, overlapping) and the male gay symbol (a combination of biology symbols for male, overlapping). Content warning: homophobia.

The Untitled A black-and-white cartoon of a grey circle with a horizontal line through it superimposes the transgender symbol (a combination of biology symbols for female, male, and both, centred around a single, unifying circle). Content warning: transphobia. A black-and-white cartoon of a grey circle with a horizontal line through it superimposes the nonbinary symbol (a small, black circle with a short line emerging from the top; across the top of the line is a diagonal black cross; it emulates older symbols for male or female, but as though combining and negating both). Content warning: enbyphobia.

Orange: Anger

Tarantella

Abstract from a paper written by a self-made expert A black-and-white cartoon of a grey circle with a horizontal line through it superimposes the transgender symbol (a combination of biology symbols for female, male, and both, centred around a single, unifying circle). Content warning: transphobia.

Instruction List A black-and-white cartoon of a grey circle with a horizontal line through it superimposes the transgender symbol (a combination of biology symbols for female, male, and both, centred around a single, unifying circle). Content warning: transphobia. A black-and-white cartoon of a grey circle with a horizontal line through it superimposes the nonbinary symbol (a small, black circle with a short line emerging from the top; across the top of the line is a diagonal black cross; it emulates older symbols for male or female, but as though combining and negating both). Content warning: enbyphobia. A black-and-white cartoon of a grey circle with a horizontal line through it superimposes a bisexuality symbol (a combination of biology symbols for female and male, extended on their adjoining side to overlap within a smaller, black circle). Content warning: biphobia.

Hobbled A black-and-white cartoon of a grey circle with a horizontal line through it superimposes a disability symbol (a stick figure in a simplified wheelchair). Content warning: ableism.

ACTH A black-and-white cartoon of a stick figure is splayed on a slant, legs akimbo, hands held up to either side of its head; it is either lying down or falling over. Behind the figure is a greay spiral with jagged lines haphaxardly laced throughout it and the occasional exclamation mark. Content warning: panic attack.

Yellow: Joy

Here Be Unicorns A black-and-white cartoon of a grey circle with a horizontal line through it superimposes a bisexuality symbol (a combination of biology symbols for female and male, extended on their adjoining side to overlap within a smaller, black circle). Content warning: biphobia. A black-and-white cartoon of a pair of stick figures. One is standing, bent over, one hand on their hip, and pointing with the other. Jagged, grey lines emit from their face; their focus appears to be on another stick figure who is hunched up and seated on the ground, back curved defensively toward the standing figure, head bowed. Content warning: bullying. A black-and-white cartoon of a stick figure buries its face in both hands, shoulders hunched. Three jagged, grey lines emanate from its head. Content warning: despair. A black-and-white cartoon of an outline of two pieces of a shattered love heart, leaning away from each other with zigzag lines to indicate the break. Content warning: relationship breakup.

Ghazal

Elettaria A black-and-white cartoon of a black candle with a white flame. Content warning: mourning. A black-and-white cartoon of a simplified human skull (without lower jaw or teeth) faces the viewer. Content warning: death.

Dropping Eaves

Loaves and Fishes

Baking. Grounded.

Seasonally Affective

Ask Me Tomorrow

The Undaunted

Transition Phase

Green: Nature/The Sea

Misted A black-and-white cartoon of an outline of two pieces of a shattered love heart, leaning away from each other with zigzag lines to indicate the break. Content warning: relationship breakup.

Ursa Major

Sentinel

Lesser Spotted

Monarch

Compound Rhythm

Clio of the Depths

Absent Princes

Hedging A black-and-white cartoon of two identical figures reversed and side-by-side; they look a little like two exclamation marks lying horizontally in opposite directions, the dot placed roughly one-third of the way along the other figure. Content warning: implied sexual content.

Landscapes

Wayfaring A black-and-white cartoon of a simplified image of a flag with a heavy boot emblazoned on it. Content warning: colonisation.

I Hope I’m (in) Clover A black-and-white cartoon of a pair of stick figures. One is standing, bent over, one hand on their hip, and pointing with the other. Jagged, grey lines emit from their face; their focus appears to be on another stick figure who is hunched up and seated on the ground, back curved defensively toward the standing figure, head bowed. Content warning: bullying. A black-and-white cartoon of a black candle with a white flame. Content warning: mourning.

Tiana A black-and-white cartoon of a love heart with a biohazard warning sign inside it. Content warning: toxic relationships. A black-and-white cartoon of a simple face comprising an open mouth and two down-slanting eyes to imply misery; something grey is streaming down from inside the mouth. Content warning: mention of vomiting.

Lifting Jörmungandr A black-and-white cartoon of a rounded human figure has a very simple, neutral/sad face and has its arms crossed in front of it, shoulders hunched. Content warning: depression. A black-and-white cartoon of a stick figure buries its face in both hands, shoulders hunched. Three jagged, grey lines emanate from its head. Content warning: despair.

Blue: Melancholy

Aestivation A black-and-white cartoon of a grey circle with a horizontal line through it superimposes a touchscreen symbol (a simplified hand, seen side-on, with forefinger extended downwards; curved lines radiate from around the tip of the forefinger). Content warning: touch starvation. A black-and-white cartoon of a rounded human figure has a very simple, neutral/sad face and has its arms crossed in front of it, shoulders hunched. Content warning: depression.

Afon Tam A black-and-white cartoon of a rounded human figure has a very simple, neutral/sad face and has its arms crossed in front of it, shoulders hunched. Content warning: depression. A black-and-white cartoon of a stick figure buries its face in both hands, shoulders hunched. Three jagged, grey lines emanate from its head. Content warning: despair.

Mixed Signals

Cartography A black-and-white cartoon of a stick figure walking with jagged, grey lines emanating from head, elbow, back, knee; one hand is held to their face. Content warning: chronic pain and fatigue. A black-and-white cartoon of a grey circle with a horizontal line through it superimposes a disability symbol (a stick figure in a simplified wheelchair). Content warning: ableism.

In This Moment A black-and-white cartoon of a stick figure walking with jagged, grey lines emanating from head, elbow, back, knee; one hand is held to their face. Content warning: chronic pain and fatigue. A black-and-white cartoon of a grey circle with a horizontal line through it superimposes a disability symbol (a stick figure in a simplified wheelchair). Content warning: ableism.

Abracadabra A black-and-white cartoon of a black candle with a white flame. Content warning: mourning. A black-and-white cartoon of an outline of two pieces of a shattered love heart, leaning away from each other with zigzag lines to indicate the break. Content warning: relationship breakup.

Imparted A black-and-white cartoon of a grey circle with a horizontal line through it superimposes a simple, horizontal, oval figure with a bulbous protrusion at one end. Content warning: childlessness. A black-and-white cartoon of a black candle with a white flame. Content warning: mourning.

Diurnal A black-and-white cartoon of a stick figure walking with jagged, grey lines emanating from head, elbow, back, knee; one hand is held to their face. Content warning: chronic pain and fatigue.

Indigo: Philosophy & Mysticism

Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrows A black-and-white cartoon of a simplified, featureless head and shoulders with a simplified fist colliding with the side of it; jagged lines emerge from the impact point. Content warning: assault. A black-and-white cartoon of a grey circle with a horizontal line through it superimposes a simple, horizontal, oval figure with a bulbous protrusion at one end. Content warning: childlessness. A black-and-white cartoon of two stick figures - head and arms only - gesticulate with stick arms and frown at each other (the only facial feature visible are their eyebrows) while jagged lines jostle for space between them. Content warning: conflict. A black-and-white cartoon of head and torso of a stick figure has its head bowed and is facepalming. Content warning: regret.

Half Past Sunday A black-and-white cartoon of a grey circle with a horizontal line through it superimposes three letter Zs. Content warning: sleep deprivation.

Clarion

Kinaesthesis

Down Time (for Ashley) A black-and-white cartoon of a stick figure walking with jagged, grey lines emanating from head, elbow, back, knee; one hand is held to their face. Content warning: chronic pain and fatigue.

Elements of Sleep A black-and-white cartoon of head and torso of a stick figure has its head bowed and is facepalming. Content warning: regret. A black-and-white cartoon of a grey circle with a horizontal line through it superimposes three letter Zs. Content warning: sleep deprivation.

Yggdrasil

First and Last

Nightsong A black-and-white cartoon of a simplified human skull (without lower jaw or teeth) faces the viewer. Content warning: death. A black-and-white cartoon of a black candle with a white flame. Content warning: mourning.

Inundation

Violet: Whimsy

Ghost Tour

Sins of Omission A black-and-white cartoon of a simplified human skull (without lower jaw or teeth) faces the viewer. Content warning: death.

Fixer-Upper A black-and-white cartoon of two stick figures - head and arms only - gesticulate with stick arms and frown at each other (the only facial feature visible are their eyebrows) while jagged lines jostle for space between them. Content warning: conflict.

Unobserved

Meet Me in Marigolds A black-and-white cartoon of two identical figures reversed and side-by-side; they look a little like two exclamation marks lying horizontally in opposite directions, the dot placed roughly one-third of the way along the other figure. Content warning: implied sexual content.

Fool’s Gold

An Education A black-and-white cartoon of a pair of stick figures. One is standing, bent over, one hand on their hip, and pointing with the other. Jagged, grey lines emit from their face; their focus appears to be on another stick figure who is hunched up and seated on the ground, back curved defensively toward the standing figure, head bowed. Content warning: bullying. A black-and-white cartoon of a grey circle with a horizontal line through it superimposes the biological symbol for female. Content warning: misogyny. A black-and-white cartoon of a scene where, from underneath a simplified street lamp, a stick figure is running away, one hand held to its face. On the other side of the street lamp, two more stick figures are stood, one hand each on their hip and the other raised to point at the fleeing figure; jagged lines are emanating from their faces, towards the one running away. Content warning: street harassment. A black-and-white cartoon of a simplified, featureless head and shoulders with a simplified fist colliding with the side of it; jagged lines emerge from the impact point. Content warning: assault.

Lattice A black-and-white cartoon of a stick figure with a thought bubble emerging from its head around which are two pairs of curved, jagged lines as if radiating from their head. Inside the thought bubble is a pair of curved arrows forming a circle, implying perpetual motion. Content warning: addiction/ obsession.

Cave

A Sofa Called Despair

Tribulation

Acknowledgements

Introduction

‘What’s the book about?’

‘Well, um, it’s kind of…’ [stares blankly] ‘a concept album, but poetry.’

‘Oh, right?’

Elevator pitches are the worst. I put together the proposal for this book somewhat swiftly and, at the time of writing, still keep swinging between This is devious genius! and What was I THINKING?!

I suspect that this is a reasonably common phenomenon among artists. However, I wanted to find a way of making something that was more than just a ‘Greatest Hits and B-Sides’ compilation, and make the book into something more like an experience for the reader.

Some people (me) like to pounce into a poetry or short story collection at random, while others prefer to read thoroughly from cover to cover. As someone who’s edited and produced plenty of other people’s collections, along with a small pamphlet a few years ago of my performance standards, and a book-of-the-show for The Selkie, I decided to play with the idea of something where people could do both. Somewhere along the line, the idea of picking your own emotional path was born.

The title is a multi-layered play on words (a bit of a stock-in-trade for me, usually in the form of obscure puns) referencing the colours that I associate with certain moods and sensations (along with