NOTES FROM THAT WAR

By Alexandra Kubresli

"These notes were not intended to be published. I was writing them silently with myself as the only reader, to dissect darkness and process what it is doing to flesh and blood. To religion and freedom. In front of our eyes as we watch from the sidelines. There is so much to take in, too much evil. It is that war, that life, that fear."

NOTES FROM THAT WAR tells the story of a conflict, a country and a people, as far as the heart can cope and beyond. Exploring the mentality of coexistence, love, suffering, and the fight against segregation, it takes us into a world - not so far away - where travelling is to butcher, siblings are regarded as lovers, children are raised to become assassins, and those who suffer are rewarded with sanctions, all of which constituting a fraction of everyday life...

• Language: English
• Publisher: Books on Demand
• Release date: Oct 17, 2022
• ISBN: 9789180572446

Alexandra Kubresli

Alexandra Kubresli is a writer, translator, and student based in Sweden. Previously engaged in political and Arabic studies, as well as sociology and literature, at Dalarna University and Gothenburg University with a Bachelor´s Degree in political science. Her student theses "The Syrian War: Portraits with Political Meanings" is available in the Digital Scientific Archive, DiVA. She has also taken part in translating Syriens tystade röster, Swedish writer Patrik Paulov´s eye-catching book from 2019, available in English as Syria´s Silenced Voices in 2021. NOTES FROM THAT WAR marks her debut in the free verse scene.

Book preview

CONTENTS

PREFACE

PROLOGUE: YOU KNOW BETTER

MIRAGES (2011)

PERFECT EXCUSE (2012)

ASPHYXIATION (2013)

UNWANTED (2014)

TURN THE TABLES (2015)

FORGET THE NAME (2016)

VACUUM (2017)

UNDER THE BREATH (2018)

THROWING ROSES (2019)

COMING HOME (2020)

FACE OFF (2021)

MOTHER´S HEART (2022)

To Patrik, for talking to those who were forgotten.

For listening and speaking up.

To Amber, Elissar, Essam, Kamal, Shadi, Fadia, Omar,

Semyon, Marat, Mesaab, Nikolai.

To everyone who gives a voice to the silenced.

With similar or different opinions.

You inspire me.

Thank you

PREFACE

I am no poet. I am no master of words. I am merely someone unknown, recounting a story about the unheard and the unseen.

I am not here for you to remember me. But please remember these notes from that war. Perhaps you will be able to break down the barrier that has been created between people and reconnect with fellow human beings.

After all, who could hinder peace from entering mother´s residence if it is invited by her own children? And who could challenge her children if the siblings are united, always having each other´s back? If a brother is his sister´s second pair of arms when she is assaulted, and if a sister is her brother´s second pair of eyes when he is robbed?

‘Together’ is strength, not a surrender of power, thus being infiltrated and torn to shreds. I will say no more; I will let the work speak for itself.

Alexandra Kubresli, Sweden

PROLOGUE: YOU KNOW BETTER

I was standing in the corner,

Not understanding your language.

Keeping a certain distance

As if waiting for something –

A couple of waving hands maybe?

That girl with her hair so dark…

Did you mind me? No,

Not too much. I was lucky.

But honestly, I didn´t tell

The whole story behind my looks,

Disclosing only half of the truth about my roots.

And when questioned every day

Where from I come,

I answered what you wanted me to say.

Now I´ve grown older.

This is me

But with a face which is more mature,

Trying to conceal

The fear underneath that never leaves.

My voice is deeper than it was,

Trying not to reveal

The anxiety as I still wonder

Will you love me; will you accept me?

Your look I rarely meet

So you wouldn´t know how I feel.

My revealing eyes I prefer to conceal,

The windows to my soul,

Away from you who didn´t mind me too much.

You who teach me how I should think,

What I should do, how I should dress,

Where I should come from,

And make me repeat what I´m told.

No source criticism is necessary,

Disinformation it´s not,

Because you know better than me.

I should blend in beautifully with the surroundings

If I ask no questions and simply follow the mainstream.

But why am I still as afraid you´d tell me

To go back?

When will here not be just your city?

Was I not raised here; am I not part of society?

Forever has my dignity been mocked

As if we´re in a game,

And you continue to decide

How I should be tamed.

It´s someone else´s game, but whose?

I´m an unwilling player,

Forced to take part,

Born on your ground

And into it. I´ll do as I´m told.

I´m confused but won´t ask

How I can be if I´m not

And how you can understand what I need.

How you can know, let alone decide,

If you haven´t seen

Me from the inside.

I´m too shy when I speak

Or I speak in broken language –

It´s too difficult to see what I mean,

You explain to me, placing a gag over my mouth.

I who´ve worked so hard and learned the language.

Watch, learn, change! my orders were.

I´ve adapted and forced myself to accept

How you want me to be,

You who´ve always known better than me.

I´ll learn to inhale

Under your restraining device and exhale

And watch as time goes by…

Who says things change?

Today you still know better than me.

Tomorrow you´ll know better than my motherland,

A part of me which you´re now aware of

Although I never told.

Yesterday you´d never heard of her,

Didn´t know who she was

Until the small dot on the map became larger –

A strategic place of outmost importance

Which they notice.

Remember the game? You rub it in my face

And I try desperately to keep my dignity as human.

It´ll still be a funny game

To play with an entire country.

I´ll be somewhere in between,

Not prepared for a fight;

Not ready to understand what´s right.

Tomorrow is too soon!

You´ll know better than me and my